Phoenix: Hello. Welcome to Life As P… I’m your host Phoenix Ash. If this is your first time joining me, I appreciate you given it a shot, trying to see what this is all about. I jumped from topic to topic, so don’t think you won’t be able to summarize it in one time. I can’t summarize it in one time. I go all over the place, but basically everything is based upon my experience of evolving as a writer, as an author, as a mom, now, a single mom. And just my life in general and trying to navigate and hopefully help you navigate yours as well. If you are a repeat listener, you know, I love you. What’s all. Yeah.
So talking to my home girls and the conversation that sparked, you know, I have a lot of friends who are going through the trials and tribulations, so to speak of dating and I’m just getting my feet wet. And actually, I feel like I’m about to dry my shit off. It’s just like, eh, it’s hefty. I don’t want to carry it, but it was sparked a memory where I was talking to a good guy friend of mine and he was having trouble, trying to understand why a black woman on his timeline was saying that she felt unprotected by black men. And I’m going to speak from the black woman’s experience or from my experience as a black woman, as opposed to women, because I’ve never been a white woman and I don’t know it’s their experiences of the same. So if your experiences are the same, definitely, hit me up. Let me know how universal this topic really is, but he could not really fathom why not just her, but other women would say that they felt unprotected by the black man. And he feels as though he protects his mom.
He protects his sister. You know, anyone that he cares about. And so I had to break it down for him and it was just like, I don’t think that the statement was in reference to anything physical. Like we’re not walking the streets normally and getting beat up on a regular basis where we looking for black men to come to our rescue.
That’s not to say that that doesn’t happen. You know, I’ve seen footage where like somebody hit this woman and a black guy hit this black woman in the face with like a skateboard or something because she rejected his advances. That’s disgusting. And I feel like somebody should have come to her rescue, but aside from the physical violence against us, The constant feeling of unprotection, I think is the imbalance where black women are nurturing. We’ve long been trying to overcome the stereotype of having attitudes and being bitches and not being willing to work with someone of meager means, which is crazy because within the black woman community, that is totally not the stereotype. The stereotype is we always say yes, no, we always trying to help you get to the next step. Always trying to help you get to the next portion of your goal. Always trying to help you elevate, trying to speak life and see you only for you to turn around and be like, I’m good on you. I don’t want a steady relationship or you fall back because you got whatever nut you was looking to get. And that to me is a feeling on unprotection because what is protection protection is the barrier between me pain.
So in order for me to feel, I need to feel like you do not want to cause me harm. And you would like to protect me from pain in general, you don’t want my heart to break. You don’t want me to have a bad day at work. You don’t want me to face physical opposition. You’ve got my back. You’ve got my back. And in some cases you got my front, you know, if someone was to aggressively come at me, you would protect me, not just physically, but with words you would give me someplace to bury my pain. You would give me an embrace for me to regain my strength. You would care about how I exit the house every day. If I’m equipped to handle what’s out there in the world. If my back is not strong enough, he tried to figure out how to make it strong enough, you know, how to speak life and really just intentionally protect from pain. That’s not to say that pain doesn’t come even from you, but it’s not intentional. And I think that there are a lot of women in my experience who are feeling though, not only are you not protecting me from pain. But you’re inflicting it.
So you’re failing at one job and then you are adding to the pressure and the pain of the outside world. And a lot of us just can’t figure out why for what, there are some men who will be like, well, you leave yourself vulnerable or you don’t pay attention to the signs, or you’re not listening to what he says and it’s just like, in some cases that may be correct. However, I feel like. It’s also your responsibility as a human, to be clear, concise, and upfront. Be truthful about your intention. If a woman comes to you and expresses her yearn for consistency, because there are many women who will take consistency over a full fledged relationship. Like even if you want to sleep with other women, there are women who will be like, you know, that’s fine. Just be consistent with me. Don’t put it in my face and I don’t have to be a girlfriend. I just need someone regularly to see or whatever.
I’m sure there’s a million women who are like, that’s selling yourself short girl. Like it’s not really because you’re basing that upon what your goals and aspirations and relationships are, and that woman may have different goals, aspirations, or different kind a of time, a different kind of time. You know, I know people who just want to see you once a month, once every two months get that thing rocked, have a little intellectual conversation, maybe a couple of laughs and some dinner and then alright with it.
Even those people are getting disappointed. Even those people are meeting men who are pretending to be with the scenario to be cool with progressing in the way that the woman would desire only to back out of all that once he is fulfilled. It’s how a lot of one night stands. A lot of one night stands from my experience recently and not that I’m doing a bunch of one night stands, but a lot of one night stands. I feel like aren’t like what they used to be, where people would like hook up. Meet in a club or something, and then go later. Right. Because we got COVID. We got all this stuff out here. So people on the internet, people talking for weeks, people talking for months before they see each other, and then they see each other and it doesn’t feel as though you sleeping with someone you just met. Right? Because you’ve been talking to this person, you’ve been getting to know them, feel like you have a foundation and they sleep together. And then all of a sudden dude goes ghost. And I touch on like ghosting a little bit in Touch Me First because I think it’s an important topic to touch on.
And I talk about the feelings of the other party. When you feel like you’ve been ghosted. I feel like there’s a time and a place. What goes then? I’m not necessarily opposed to those things. I know it sounds contradictory, but I’m not, if I’m talking to you for 24 hours, not even if it’s like two, three days or less, and you say something like, wow, foul shit out your mouth, or you are going in some wild, crazy direction and I’m just like, I can’t get with, or even if the conversation is just super, super dry, I’m going to disconnect. I’m going to be like, okay, that’s it. But I feel like at that point, I don’t really owe you anything. There’s nothing. It has been established. And even though may hurt your feelings, there’s nothing truly invested, so you’ll get over it.
But when you’ve been talking to someone for weeks, for months, and you feel like you’ve gotten a taste of their personality and you’ve shared some laughs, you shared some personal things. You shared some things about your family, your friends, and you really seem to vibe and get this chemistry. After sleeping with someone and then being ghosted, that could be really traumatizing.
You guys don’t think that I think that’s traumatizing and I think that’s inflicting pain unnecessarily. Now, if you’re saying, well, I ghosted because the sex was trash. I mean, I still feel like that’s your inability to communicate, first of all, if the sex was trash in my opinion is partially your fault, because I’m like… Anyway, there’s some working that you can do on either. Now, if the head is trash, the head is trash, but I just feel like you need to be able to communicate like, you know, I didn’t like when you did this or I like this. Well, I think before you sleep with someone, you should have a discussion about what it is that you like, what it is that you don’t like, what your expectations are, what it is that you won’t do. So don’t try to like, Put your tongue in my ear. I hate that, but you need to have those discussions. I think those help with avoiding trash sex, but if it wasn’t your cup of tea, if it wasn’t, whatever, whatever, I feel like part of being an adult is figuring out how to communicate and how to say what the deal is.
Or if you are setting up a date with someone and something comes up or you’re just too freaking tired to make it rather than stay in the person up just reach out and say, Hey, I’m exhausted. Can we take a rain check? I know in these covert times, people are traveling, driving across state borders in order to see the person that they’re interested in.
However exhausted is exhausted. Just speak up. Let’s say I’m tired. I just can’t make it to see you or whatever. People are traveling state to state. You’re not comfortable with somebody spending a night in your home, even though they traveled, like talk to them, like, what’s the expectation? Do you come into my city? And then where will you stay? I’ve seen stuff on like Twitter, where people are like flying out to see someone and then like being put out of a hotel room. What is that? First of all, like if you got the money to fly, why not just get her, her own room? Why not talk about it? You don’t have the funds to do both.
Why not talk about it? Like, yo, I got your flight. You’re going to have to pay for your room. That right there, that conversation right there is that expectation that like shorty you not staying the night with me and my room. You’re not coming to my house that I feel like it’s so clear. So I just don’t understand what the lack of communication is, is just it’s like you think that it’s, I don’t know. Um, I mean, do they trade baseball cards or something for how many women are you dogged out? First of all, if you are doing it because you just want as much coochie or whatever. And the best coochie, whatever that you try to get? May I tell you that the best comes from some consistent, if a woman is comfortable, it’s a level of comfort. If you think she’s comfortable because she’s had sex with you this first time, whether you flew her out or she drove out or you drove to see her, or y’all got a hotel room or whatever you think she’s comfortable because she did that first time. No, learn her. And then have her learn you and be honest, and for her to be able to believe you, Oh honey, Oh honey, the levels, the levels and what she will be able to offer you.
So you kind of like playing yourself because you can’t get to that and you messing it up for all your bros for everybody who’s going slide after that because for every slight she’s on guard. And it takes her that much longer to get comfortable. And I honestly, outside of sex, like I just don’t even understand why in this day and age, we’re still issuing that kind of thing for people to deal with why we’re still playing with people’s mentalities, why we still traumatizing each other.
Why? And I say each other, because I know broads who is on some savage, but most of them have been hurt before. And it’s just like, I’m going to do what I want before they come over here with their agenda and try to steam roll me and leave me broken hearted. There’s a lot of heart breaking running around like fully. I understand COVID got y’all horny. I look at my Twitter at night and I’d be like, Oh my God, it’s been chill for a second. So I don’t know if they came back with their guidelines and stuff and started to stick to it. But for a second, I was pretty lax. I would just like scroll and boom, no warning, nothing people having sex on timeline.
I’d be like, wait, what? What’s happening? So I understand COVID, COVID got, y’all really acting a fool. Like some of y’all always dreamed to be in porn stars and y’all at home working from home. And I guess this is your opportunity trying to step outside of the box. I don’t know. I know I’ve never received so many dick pics and dick videos since. Like before COVID started my inbox was pretty dry.
Yeah. Solicited, unsolicited, all of that. Just wild stuff happening, but I’m really trying to understand, like, are you really that trash that you can’t step aside when you realize that the person that you are talking to is looking for something that you can’t deliver? Maybe you’re in a different space in your life where you’re like, I will never do another serious relationship ever again.
I don’t know. I feel like some people fall in love with a picture or lust after a picture. And it’s just like, I got to try it and I just gotta try it one time, but then you talk to home girl and she is like, I don’t need to be in a relationship, but I need to be in something that’s consistent with a person who respects me and respects my time and gives everything that I’m given.
When you realize that you can’t deliver on that. Why protect all? Because you just got to try it one time for every beautiful woman out there. There’s another beautiful woman. And for everyone who is giving you boundaries and guidelines in which they’d like to interact, there’s another one who is willing to interact with your set of guidelines.
And I just don’t understand why people pretend that they’re with something and I’m like, keep it real. Like, I feel like to some degree, this was a problem in my marriage where I expressed what I was. Wanting to deal with. I expressed what kind of life I wanted to lead. Just the stuff that like, I didn’t necessarily want running around in my life. And I felt like those expressions were ignored and I felt like I was being forced to live a life that I did not want. And to some degree, I couldn’t understand why he didn’t feel the same way, because if I was imposing all these boundaries and guidelines on him, to some degree, I’m asking him to be someone else. I mean, if these are all the things that he feels a natural to him, and he’s not willing to give up, then I am in essence asking him to be someone else and he should feel uncomfortable and he should feel awkward. He should feel like he’s being forced to live a life that he doesn’t want to live.
So, which is why I thought naively, that we would just agree on divorce and just like go our separate ways. But of course, like I said, I was naive and it was really tough trudging through the muddy water of separation and divorce. And it’s muddy. And I don’t know if I’m ever going to get an explanation for this cause I feel like this is probably the same question I was asking when I was dating prior to being married of why do you need to pretend to be all that I want and all that I’m looking for just to claim me as yours, just to tell the world that I’m yours only for us to get behind closed doors and forced me to take in all that I said, I did not want.
Well, like, what is that, why? And I’m sure there’s a lot of women, you feel this way too. Like when you’re in longterm marriages, where, and I know longterm marriages, right? That’s the whole point of marriage. We expect it to be longterm, but like when someone fixes the issue temporarily, it’s back to pretending I’m all that you want, I’m all that you need and then they get back into the groove of doing whatever it is that you wanted them to. Correct. And I just don’t understand, I understand the want and need to make the person you love happy. However, I don’t understand showing up as someone else in order to conquer. The person who’s in front of you, why would you show up as someone else?
Why don’t you care enough about who you are and your reputation as a man? Like why you don’t care enough, why you don’t care that you’re going to be the subject of the trash talk. Why you don’t care? And I’m not saying to live your life by what other people say about you because people been trashing me all my life and I’m just like, well, you know, I’m just going to have to keep it pushing.
But honestly though, like why would you intentionally do something that’s going to have you subject to trash talk? Like, why are you trying to convince this woman that all men are trash… four or five, six, seven, eight of you do it. She’s going to be convinced that men are trash. Like for real. And then when you come across this woman who has experienced four or five, six, seven, eight, however many people who has pretending to be something they were not, or pretending to be able to give her something that she was looking for only to disappoint her and here you are the man who is willing to, for whatever reason, this is the woman that you’re willing to love, that you’re willing to hold. You’re willing to be all those things that she went like, that is who you want to be for her. That is who you are for her. And she’s giving you a hard time. She’s got all these walls up and you walking around pissed off without, regarding the walls that you help build within other women.
What is that? Why is that? I’ve seen too many tears, my own and my friends that I felt were unnecessary… too many. And as a culture for black women, to try to minimize the stereotype of us being separated, of black men being against black women or black women being against black men and not praising each other and lifting each other up.
There’s so many of us who try to do our part, so to speak because part of the culture and community to lift up our counterparts, to speak life into them, to help them to support their endeavors. Only to have so many knock us down, ignore our needs. Ignore our wants. Disrespect us, call us out our name. Be aggressive when we decline interests, I’ve walked past a many men who I was fine, beautiful, queen… until I didn’t turn my head. Then I was bitch, skank, hoe. I think I’m too good. You got to figure out something else to do with your hurt feelings, because I got to figure out what to do with mine. You don’t want me all over the place calling you trash.
I don’t need to be outside seeing some fine man walk by and be like, man, he probably trash, you know what? It hurts me when I catch myself doing it and I’m not going to lie. I do catch myself doing that where I’m like on the internet, scrolling through, come through, find somebody. Fine fine. And I’m just like, damn, he probably trash… because the pattern is just too big. I’m like it’s too lengthy. It’s too many examples. Like, don’t be the example of like a trash ass dude. Like what’s wrong. I’m so sick. The women that I know myself included, the women that I know are hella dope. Hella dope, super supportive, not clingy, very loving, very nurturing, flexible, willing to do things to make you happy, wanting to see you smile, not even like willing like a pick me kind of thing cause you know, everybody’s like a pick me stupid stereotype, but like just willing to be the partner that you seek and strong enough to hear that they are not it for you. The women I know they are strong enough to hear, you know, like I like you, but not in a romantic way or, you know, I’m sorry, this is just not for me.
Or I appreciate the time we spend together. But before this goes any further, I think this is not my forever, whatever. Long enough to hear it with issues, the pain and the feeling of protection is the quietness. The no excuse, the no reason that just disappearance and then for y’all most toxic mofos. The showing back up, like what you back for? You back to inflict more pain? You back, like, you know, I had a memory and that thing that you gave was good and like, so I’m gonna pretend again, just to trick you again. And meanwhile, she’s got hope she’s taking you back cause Oh, and then you so aggressive when she don’t take you back when she’s like, nah, you know what? I’m kind of good on you. Oh, no, no, no. You got to chase and you got to force it and you got the please, please, please and now I’m saying, and you got all the explanations and everything under the sun. Only to do the same shit. What is that? Why are you really that trash? And are you really okay with that? Do you have daughters? I’ve seen men. Well, I’ve talked to me. They think they’re teaching their daughters different.
Right? I know what kind of man I am. So I’m gonna talk to my daughter and that’s how she gonna avoid men like me. She’s going to be smart, she is gonna be wise, she’s gonna be good, but you know, what, if there’s an abundance of men, like you she’s bound to run into one. I mean, that’s just a numbers game. If there’s an abundance of, there’s an overwhelming amount of men who do the same shit, she’s bound and running the one.
So it’s your job is to subtract from the number. Don’t make it in abundance. Subtract from the number. Actually be who you say you are actually be who you show up as be that person I’ll do a sauce. I’m good. I was in a marriage for a very long time and it hurts me to look back and know that that was my experience in my marriage. Like that’s crazy to me. That all those years, I still got to look back and say, Oh, you never really became who you showed up as at first. You had spurts of it, but. It wasn’t consistent. And unfortunately for me, I fall in love with like one portion and it’s very difficult for me… It’s not difficult for me to see that you’re not who you said you are. It’s just difficult for me to detach then by the time I’m ready to detach, you’re back to pretending again. Yeah. And so there’s more hope that’s being given and it’s all this false hope and you can stretch false hope for very long period of time. But at the end of the day, if you can’t fulfill what it is that someone is looking at, like having conquering them, like, I just don’t understand why it’s that important that.
You would just blatantly ignore everything that they’re looking for, everything that they want. Only to be able to say that you had them, like, just know that they’re not on the same page as you, and keep it pushing. I’m telling you there’s somebody out there who’s on your page. I’m telling you, there is go find a person who’s on your page. Then if you are honest about who you are, you find them a lot sooner and you’d find that there are an abundance of people who are on your page. There are women who like accept the honesty and just like, well, he honest, you know, I call, I know what box to put them in. Cool. But I don’t understand what the game, it doesn’t make sense to me.
I don’t want to draw another one of my friends tears, not for this. Not for this. It’s… listen, sickening, me and my home girl.I just can’t. Again, anyway, that’s my soap box rant. You know, if there’s some dudes out there who are listening, and you are legit a good dude or legit got single good dudes who are friends who are looking to meet women who are legit. Yo, like, I might do like a dating service or whatever, but like, this is like a tough screening process or something. Like, I don’t know. I feel like gotta sign some documents. I testify that I am who I say, I am. I wish the ID that you check to be like, yo, let me validate this ID. I don’t know, but there’s a shortage. So it appears. Maybe, you know, where they at and I’m gonna tell my own girls, like, we need to go to such and such.
I don’t know, but I don’t like it. I don’t like it at all. I don’t like people who pretend man, or woman, like, don’t pretend with me for real. For real. I can take it. You just say some street stuff. I’m like, I like damn that stone, but I got it now. I mean, like be straight up with me. I can take it. I can take it and you might have some fun with it now. I mean like, cause I’m straight up and wouldn’t listen. Listen, I don’t know. And my friends they’re real. Like, it’s just crazy. Anyway. All right. I said the soap box rant was going to be over. So here we are. If you want to escape from this world that I just heavily laid on, you definitely pick up my erotica, Touch Me First. It’s available on Amazon books as well as Kindle and Kindle limited. My first novel. In her makeup is available on Kindle, Kindle Unlimited, Amazon books, as well as Audible. So that’s juicy there. I have Soiled Sheets as well as Cookies and Crumbles. They’re all available on Kindle and Kindle unlimited as well as Amazon books if you like paperbacks and people like to fill the pages. I also like autograph books, like you want to hit me up in a DM and order from me directly. We could definitely do that. You can go to the pashentmedia site and as P A S H E N T media.com. And you can definitely go to the site if you want to hit up SayWHA Radio®® is, SayWHAradio.com and that’s S A Y W H A Radio and the SayWHA Radio®® Network is the network that I’m on in case you didn’t know. So yeah. Hit us up. You want to purchase merch or support the show or buy some books? Yeah, hit me up. I love good conversation. You know, you got some things you want to get off. Your chest. DM is open. Don’t send unsolicited stuff. Okay. Like the pics. Unsolicited as a no. Okay. I won’t like outright solicit, but I might give you permission depending on what mode I’m in. Cause it’s dry in single mom land.
Any way until the next time when we can exchange power. Love you guys. Peace.