Back From The Top

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life as p
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Phoenix Ash
Back From The Top, Start Over

It’s never too late to build the life you want on your own terms. Maybe you have just ended a long-term relationship, maybe you have just had a child or maybe, you are finally starting that project you have been putting off. In this episode, Phoenix shares how she has found the strength to start over, paving a path that allows her to do what she is passionate about even when setbacks arise.

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Savage Fever
Touch Me First
In Her MakeUp
Soiled Sheets
Cookies & Crumbles


Phoenix: Welcome to life as P, or if you’re a repeat listener, welcome back. I’m your host, Phoenix Ash. They call me P. I just want to thank you guys for checking in with me, for listening and allowing me to get all these thoughts off my chest, because I have a lot of thoughts, I do. If you’ve heard the show before, you know that I go over, like the theme of what’s been speaking to me, over the past week or so. Because I think all of us, not just entrepreneurs and not just creatives, we’re all evolving. And so becoming who we’re destined to be and when we try to accomplish the best of who we are destined to be. There’s some things that are real to us as time goes on or through interactions with other people that we can strap up and put in our toolbox and make life ongoing, easier, or life going forward, easier, probably better said.

So what’s the theme, what has been talking to me. And sometimes I don’t notice things until like I started getting on the mic and be like, what is it? But I think the pattern of events or the pattern… that’s a really nice car. The patterns of messages that have been coming over the past week or so is sometimes you just got to start over for some people is easier than others, but I know in my experience, I’m usually pretty hesitant to start over. I end up starting over anyway, but I’d sometimes take a long time to play a situation out or let it get deeper or go further before I am 100% in agreeance with we’ve got to start over. And I think the thing that made me think about it was I’m working on a manuscript. So for those of you who follow me and follow my books, you know, that I released touch me first on July 31st.

It’s on Amazon books as well as Kindle, Kindle unlimited, Kindle white paper. And then on September 4th, I released the first episode of Savage Fever. Now, if you’ve been following me, you know, that I’ve been talking about Savage fever. If you’ve heard any of my BLP interviews, I’ve been waiting to drop Savage fever forever.

So whenever I talk about I have a series coming or I’m writing something episodic, it’s probably something to do with Savage Fever. I’m hype. I’m like, bam is finally here. So I released the episode one and because I am a procrastinating perfectionist, I am still writing episode two. Now I know the story.

And theoretically I’ve written this episode probably 50 billion times, including in my head and on paper yet still, I’m passed the deadline in which I intended to turn it in. I’m not comfortable with that because I am someone who is very adamant about making deadlines. Thankfully, the deadline was to myself and not to anybody who can hold money or contract over my head because of it, but still I need to be accountable to myself.

So I get like, 7,000 words in, and it’s going to be, you know, another novella, but I have to give this story. I can’t give it at once. It’s really like television and a book for overall, but I’m trying to write episode 2, I’m 7,000 words in, and I don’t feel good about it, but I didn’t feel good about it at 6,000 words, I didn’t feel good about it. A thousand words, it was a struggle. To get to 7,000, not because I didn’t have any material and not because I was stretching something out or I was receiving a block and couldn’t work my way out of it. Nothing to do with that. It just didn’t feel good. The cadence wasn’t right.

I like to write music. So when I write a story, it’s like a song, like there’s a rhythm to it. There’s a feel for it. At least for me, I don’t know if that’s necessarily communicated to anybody who reads my work, but it has to feel right to me. It has to go on a certain rhythm and it just didn’t feel good.

So I finally checked it up and was like, look, I’m already past the deadline. So I might as well do it feels good. I’m going to start over. So I started over yesterday and I got a thousand words in. Yeah. It was like, okay, you know, I’m gonna try to use this weekend to really get to where I was in terms of a work council that I can get this out to you guys.

But when I think about that, and I think about how it relates to other stuff in my life, I recently had to fill out some paperwork here… you can hear nature in the background, and I’m sitting outside it’s a beautiful day…. but I recently had to fill out some financial paperwork. I had to list my salary for each year over the past.

Five to six years. And so they’ll go over the salary that I was at when I left corporate America. And then when I was working for myself and then when I had to go back and take a contract job. And then when I went to the, you know, current sponsor that I’m at. Just looking at my salary changes of how, like it was at one spot and then I left corporate and it was that basically nothing.

I was starting over. I wasn’t new to writing, but I was new to the writing industry. So I had not built my connections. I had no network. I had no experience publishing a book. I had lots of experience writing, but to put something together in an actual finished novel where I would like finish the work I had not done.

I had not self published before. So using a platform, a digital platform that was new to me and if you’ve ever been privy to a conversation with me and my home girls you’ll know that for me to try to figure out a digital program. I got to be so, so focused. So it was just a lot, but not a lot of money. Not a lot of money. So looking at the list and everything of how my salary changed over the years and how honestly I’m still not making the money I was making left corporate the last time. Cause it wasn’t the first time, but I also did a career shift. So when the contracts that I take on for corporate are slightly different than the type of work that I was doing in the past.

I’m now more human resources focus where prior to I was an executive assistant. So I went through a number of industry, whether it be advertising, not industry, I’m sorry, departments, whether it be creative or human resources or project management. So I’m not starving though. I’m not dying. My bills are paid.

And sometimes you got to start over that reset that leaving corporate and having to start with a lower salary. And then I find my way back up and still not be there I’m somewhere. And not only am I somewhere, but I have incorporated in my life a path that allows me to do what I love to do, what I’m passionate about, what I see myself doing for the rest of my life.

Because finally I was brave enough to start over. When I look at everything around me, when I look at. My daughter will all the losses that I had prior to her, but being surprised by the pregnancy and being very afraid of what could happen or what I couldn’t repeat or what experience I could go through.

I started over and I just let that go. And. Once I had her, just her life just reminded me that it was okay to start over and start reinvigorating the push and the drive to pursue a career writing. And it’s only been a couple of years guys, and I feel like, you know, I’ve got my contract, I’m a BLP author or B love publications author.

You guys listen to me on a podcast. Yo, if you was here from the beginning? I love you!

Okay. So, you know, I have a number of books that are published. I think I might have eight or nine on the market or… five books with my current publisher. I’m very excited. And those five books between last year and this year. So I’m very excited to be able to build my catalog and put stuff out there and definitely to bring Savage fever and Savage fever has seen so many faceless, so many versions, so many portions there’s so much story there. I’m just excited to be able to finally put that out. But I don’t think I could have put it out if I didn’t are over on a number of occasions, you know, with seeing different titles, seeing different character names and seeing different storylines, but within a whole vision is quite exciting for me and letting myself there was a time where I created the base of the story, which will be the middle season, but I created it as a capstone for my graduation project. When I was getting my masters, I shopped at for a little while. As a script because it was full four seasons that I had written out a television.

I had full episodes. I had what’s called a show Bible. I had summaries, I had character depictions. I had everything. So I shopped there for a little while, but, you know, without an agent, without anybody really, that I knew that was very difficult. And I sort of set it down for a little while. I had a whole business plan behind everything, but I lost my momentum.

This is before like Empire was on television before Power. And so the show was kind of like in those lines and to the point where when Empire debuted people will call me, like, Oh my God, congratulations. And I was like, that is not my show. I wish, but it is not. I figured at that time that it was over for that idea for that dream, for that thing that I was excited about.

So I have put it down for awhile. And then once I got assigned to my publisher and I got familiar with other people who were doing series writing and I started to dream again and started to think about, do I have a series in me? And I damn sure do one hell of a series. One hell of a series. So that’s when I talked to my publisher about it, allowing me to do these novellas and these linked stories, this episodic sort of storytelling.

As a pet project, because guys, I love you. But sometimes readers are really, really harsh and they make these public statements about, if you go into a series, let me see you complete it and stuff like that. And it’s like, there’s a reason that the author did it as a series. There’s a reason that they’re releasing it in doses.

And we’re not just trying to play with you. This is our livelihood crafts. This is our love, this is our passion. I know for Savage fever is because when I finished that episode, it took a lot out of me. Because I gave you the shit in that like, yeah. I gave it to you in the episode. So you see how I’m going through the process of trying to craft the second episode.

Like we’re not over I’m to take a deep breath when I have the breathe. So it’s not the most popular thing. Want to write a series that is not a series of standalone and a stand alone. If you don’t know is that you don’t have to read any other story to understand it or to feel as though you’ve read a complete story.

So it’s not a popular thing to have these novellas, these shorts. So not only is it not a complete story, but it’s short and it’s got a cliffhanger and you got to wait for the next one, but I love episodic television. So I’m like, listen, and I’m promising not to have anybody wait too long for the next episode.

But again, like I said, it’s not popular to do something this way. It doesn’t typically. Soar to the top of the charts, unless you have, I have a huge following or unless you’ve done it before. And it was successful, which would typically equate to a huge following. I was grateful that my publisher, let me explore and let me try and so grateful that she was patient.

Because I brought this to her over a year ago. I was in Miami. If y’all been listening to this show and you remember when I went to Miami was in Miami sending her cover options, like, can I use this as a cover? Like where the hell, this thing at? Like Delectable came to me and I started writing and then Touch Me First came to me and I had another book that came to me that I’m like 20,000 words in.

So just trying to get my head straight, then another idea came to me. I’d tell you I’m all over the place. I’m all over the place. And for everyone who tolerate that from me, my guides pink.

Oh really? I’m trying to get my life together. I am, I am. Cause for a while, my house is looking like how my mind looks funky. Y’all all over the place. But getting it together, things are starting to shape up or whatever. Like it’s going to take me some time, but I see. The progress. I see everything is coming together and becoming the person that I want, but I have to start over in order to do that same thing with, of course, I was very hesitant to let go of what I had known for so many years, but.

Well, I wanted to flourish and have my heart free and become who I want to be. There were some things and some people that I was going to have to let go of, because I’m always hesitant to say that somebody was holding me back because I don’t feel that that was the case. I feel like. Who he is just isn’t in line with who I intend to be.

That was a very, very, very difficult decision to come to. Although I had stopped being in love for a bit. And you always think like when you’re married to someone for several years, that like, you know, I stopped being in love this year, but. Next year, I’m a fall back in love again and do something. You know, unfortunately that wasn’t the case for me.

But to admit to myself, I needed to start over was a difficult decision because when you’re with someone for a long time and you’re comfortable with them and you start to think about, you know, people say, Oh, you shouldn’t move on too fast. And I feel like you move on however you move on. I feel like what’s good for me is not good for you.

But I do feel like whether you move on slow or you move on quickly, when you are contemplating, starting over after a marriage, you started to think about if I was to ever date again, like how would I, restart being comfortable with someone regularly, like, I think about crazy stuff. Like, can I take a poop in your house?

Like, I know it sounds gross, but like I’m not comfortable now go on dates and whole, you guys seen, or you gotta, like, I never was the person who…. You know I see this red flag. How red is the flag? Does it mean that I should run in the opposite direction and I’m still getting my bearings.

I’m still getting my discernment correctly. So I run from some people fairly quickly and then other people’s is a slow jog and sometimes it’s probably worth it to do the reverse, but. I had to admit to myself to start over in order to get all these things in my life in line and live the life that I would like to live and that I intend to live be loved the way that I want to be loved, to love other people the way I want to love other people and feel like I am not held hostage by my traumas.

I feel like when you are someone who goes through a lot of trauma, Not just the trauma that I have, but on top of, you know, there are people who have seen way more trauma than I had, despite how much I’ve seen. And how much I’ve experienced. It can shape how you make decisions. It can shape how you pick people who are going to be in your life.

And sometimes you’re vision is clouded and there’s a ton of red flags, but all you can see is this one little spot that needs to be filled. And if you found the peg to fill that one spot, then you can’t see the rest of the board. And so when I finally started to self heal and, you know, I went through a lot of my healing here on the show.

I got to a place where I started to recognize that my decision making was based on my traumas and I needed to make a change for myself because those traumas were no longer my present story. It wasn’t the story I was living in. I had finally gotten to a place where I was in a whole nother book. I was rewriting what was going to be the next chapter, the next novel of my life.

So I had to agree to start over. And it’s not easy. Listen, I had to ask several people, my neighbors, friends of mine, like how do I replace my mailbox? Like, do I gotta dig the pole out of the grass and then put some dirt? I’ll call my one friend who wasn’t available. I was like, Oh my God, this is the only person I know who would know anything and then, you know, in the morning, I don’t want to know no neighbors doors. Thank God the neighbors is outside. And I’m like, yeah, you helped me understand this. Like, am I really going to have to dig a pole out the grass? It turns out I don’t, but stuff like that, like, you know, I went to Lowe’s and I had to buy a smoke detector and a carbon monoxide detector.

And I’m like, she’s like, I don’t know which one to buy. I don’t know if the one I got is going to be able to hook into the wall with the other one is, and didn’t realize that I was supposed to change them way more often than I had… starting over ain’t always fun. But sometimes it is necessary. It is necessary and I’m grateful for, I’m not going to beat myself up over the time.

I’m not going to make it be like I lost so much time cause I could have been started over because I started over when I was supposed to, when I was ready, when I was of clear mind, clear intention. Knew what it was that I wanted to do, how I was going to move. That’s when I started over and I love the reset I do.

And I’m learning to embrace it. When I was a kid, I used to hate writing an essay for an exam because I will always lose two points on the essay because I didn’t read back over my work. So they’d circle these minor errors and be like, fix this, fix this. And I didn’t read back over my work because I didn’t want to start over.

I didn’t want to feel like to look for what was wrong with me or what was wrong with the situation and started over. I didn’t want to have to clean up and fix it and all of that, I didn’t want to do that. But when I went to get my master’s in writing, I had to do it was requirement’s how we moved on in the class, how we progressed, did multiple drafts and things.

And I started to really embrace editing. Because I’ve found that that was where the real work happens. And when I apply that to my life, I’m like, listen, the editing, that’s where we’re going to make the real horse happy. The starting over to say, I don’t want this part in this chapter. So I’m going to leave it in the last chapter, but I’m not going to take it to this chapter.

I’m going to choreograph how the next few chapters play out. And there’s going to be some instances that come out and jump out, but it’s going to go with the story. So since it’s going to go with the story, it’s going to be there and it’s going to go there. I’m going to live through it and I’m going to get to the next side.

I’m going to get to that. So it’s okay to start over. Sometimes that’s where the real work happens. That’s where the real juice, the real good stuff. That’s where you find the gems when you start over. So if you’re someone who’s like trying to figure out like what to do, how do I have it as an option? Put it down on a paper.

You know, I know career changes, stuff like that. Look, leave, incorporate, or trying to work in corporate while following your dreams and discovering your passions. That’s all very difficult. But sometimes very necessary. And if you can afford to take a lesser salary in order to give yourself less stress and more opportunity to live the life that will fulfill you.

You not going to get me to argue word, you are just not. So anyway, that’s the soap box reel for today. I hope you enjoyed it. If you want to check out my work, please go on to Amazon get Touch Me First. It’s my first erotic novel. I think it’s a novella, sorry, but it debuted at number one. So I think it’s popping. And it’s hot so you should get it.

Yo, read it with a friend, read it with a partner. Read it with some intention. We know what it’s like, but which fever currently out now, I think this is the I’ve ever been to complete a project or to get it out on the market. This is my baby. I would love it. If you support it, there’s already like five or six.

Reviews appoint Amazon. It just dropped last week. And I’m just really excited at how well it’s being received. Check that out. That is on Kindle, Kindle, unlimited. I’m not going to make it available on paperback until I have some other stuff that I want to get out that it may be coupled with. So stay tuned for that, but yeah.

Yeah. Check it out. If you love romance. My book Delectable, a sweet romance is available on Amazon and paperback on Amazon. Do you hit the Kindle Kindle unlimited Kindle white paper and that’s Delectable a sweet romance and it really is a sweet story. It really is. And if you love cake chocolate, yo pickup Delectable, it will do you right, Delectable.

It’ll do you right. Anyway, you want to hit me up? Get up in my DMS. Let’s talk about something. You want me to talk about something next time or you guys are rough with me or whatever. Just keep it cool. Hit me up. And , let’s talk about it. Let’s chat. I’m at Pwrites on Instagram. I’m also at Pwrites on Twitter as well as Phoenix Ash on Facebook.

Although, I don’t know if I can accept more friends on Facebook, but I’m passionate books and that’s P A S H E N T books. I also have that account on Instagram as well as Facebook. So if you having a hard time reaching me, please reach out via that way until the next time when we get exchange power, love you guys.

Stay safe. Peace.

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