Battle Testing All of Us

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life as p
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Phoenix Ash

When you start feeling overly emotional, testy or tired, do you give yourself the time needed to process what you’re going through and use the tools in your toolbox to find your way back to normalcy? In this episode, Phoenix explains how she is using her battle tested tools to overcome her challenges and find the beauty in her life. Every day is not going to be sunny but you have the ability to work through the hardships in your life!

Check out Phoenix Ash website, Pashentmedia, for author services and more!

Phoenix: Hey, what’s going on? Welcome. This is Life As P… I’m your host, Phoenix Ash. If this is the first time you’re joining me, thank you, I appreciate it. I don’t know if you heard about it on Facebook, Twitter, Instagram, your homegirl, your homeboy boyfriend, girlfriend, mother, father, I know No, but thank you for checking in with me. If you ever repeat, listen to you know, I love you, you know, I appreciate you I’m so glad you stay in for the ride. It’s a lot going on. So again, if you’ve been here before, you know that I go through like my themes that a week, things that have been happening in my life, and messages that I feel like I’m receiving over and over and over again, particularly because I’m on this route. I’m on this journey. When I first started this, I was not a published author, through the journey since we started this in 2017, maybe ended 2017 beginning of 2018. But in this time span, you know, I’ve published several books, I’m not even sure how many It is at this point, it might be like 11, or 12. I’m very blessed. five of those books I did on my own prior to signing to a publisher. So I’m super proud, this journey has definitely been worth it. From the moment that I said no to corporate. And even when I had to say yes to corporate again, to supplement my bills, it’s been worth it. But so like the current message right now that I’m getting that’s apparent. So my journey, and apparent to the circle that I’m building and rebuilding and shaping and reshaping is battle tested. A lot of people within my circle recently, over the past week or so have been battle tested, including myself, there has been, I don’t know if it’s a shift in the atmosphere or what in heaven is going on. But it’s been a lot of emotional trauma, it’s been a lot of roller coaster rides, a lot of heartstrings being tugged, and a lot of working through some inner, I don’t call them inner demons because I don’t necessarily want to demonize the things that we need to care for within ourselves. Sometimes when you need to flush something out is not necessarily because it’s a demon or a thorn in your side. But sometimes it’s something it’s a sensitivity within you that needs to be cared for. And we’ve been too cold to our own sensitivities. And I don’t I don’t even know where that train of thought comes from. But for me, at least, I know that when I’m faced with hearing about a lot of deaths, or people being hospitalized, or people that I care about being placed in harmful situations, whether it be part of their occupation, or you know, they’ve run into something that puts them in danger, whether they just be a black man in America, you know, all of that, you know, being faced with mortality, brings out some things within me that needs my sensitivity. Sometimes I gotta be sensitive to myself. I can’t give myself the cold shoulder when it comes to the things that make me sad, or that I need to work through. There’s a lot of trauma in my life. And I’ve talked about it before, you know, between losing my parents and never knowing my grandparents and, you know, losing so many children, I’ve you know, my daughter, who is the greatest thing in my life, she’s five, and she’s the first of eight babies to survive. And she’s the only of my eight babies that survive. And so there’s just a lot of trauma to work through. There’s a lot of other things you know, that’s not my only trauma, there’s so many things, and I don’t ever want to be defined by my trauma. You know what I’m saying? Like, I’ve overcome so much of it. So glad that I’m a scribe by nature and an author by craft because I have a place to bury some of my ashes and I’ve talked about that before, but sometimes I can give myself the cold shoulder sometimes I have sensitivities that I’m like pushing down. I’m pushing it all down to my toes.

And I’m like nothing, you know, I don’t want to cry. I don’t want to think about that. Or I don’t want to face that that’s in the past, it’s gone. But sometimes those things need a little bit of sensitivity, whether it’s the little girl inside of me, or what I realized this week is when I give some of those things, some sensitivities, I have a breakthrough somewhere else. And I’m a firm believer in getting knowledge and getting wisdom in one particular area, and looking for the other ways in which you can apply this knowledge and information. And so I may have, if I face something that I feel within me, sometimes it’s a breakthrough from one of my characters in a book, sometimes it lets me know what’s the next step. And sometimes it reminds me of the tools that I use to get through that time in my life, and have been like, Oh, shit, that’s the tool that I need right now. I need to remember that I have that tool that I’ve sharpened, I’ve used it before, and I know how effective it is. So let me apply that tool right now. Whether it be seeing my therapist, whether it be taking some time off from work, whether it be there was a particular person that I was able to confide in, that was able to help get me through. But you know, I have these tools in my toolkit. And sometimes we’re lucky enough to gather so many of them that we forget which ones work for what, you know, sometimes we just, you know what I forgot? Well, at least I do, because my memory is trash.

And I need to stop saying that out loud, because it’s just gonna make it worse. But, you know, sometimes I forget that there’s a tool that I used, that I’ve sharpened, and I know that it’s effective, and it’s impactful. So sometimes I gotta face something else in order to be reminded that I can get through the current time. So I have to give myself a little bit of sensitivity, I can’t give, keep giving the cold shoulder to what’s going on inside of me. Because when I do when I ignore, it starts to spill out in other ways. If I am thinking about things that make me sad, or things that I’ve overcome, or whatever, and I keep pushing it to the side, and I don’t give it my attention. I find that I get frustrated in different areas of my life. I’m very testy, argumentative, and it’s not the greatest place to be. I mean, luckily, I can practice self awareness enough where I can hear it and go, Oh, we need to show and I have an amazing group of friends that will get me through like, there’ll be like, Girl, what the hell’s wrong with you? Come on, you know, I have this one girlfriend’s like, Oh, you were a little strong today. You are right. I felt attacked, I felt hurt. I love that I have friends who can speak up like that, who can tell me to check myself basically like, yo, you hurt me with what you said, like, you know what, I’m sorry. I got some shit I got to deal with, like, let me start dealing with it. And I’m lucky enough to have people in my life who are like, let’s talk about it. And let’s deal with it. What is it? What’s going on? Somehow they know that I need an ear somehow they know that I need some advice, or I need, you know, to be rubbed on the back. I know, some out I know, very lucky. And I didn’t always feel like I had this in my life. So whatever is attracting and thank God for y’all.

You know, this podcast, I don’t know. Like, it helps me talk through what’s going on around me. It forces me to look at the patterns of incidences and information that’s circling me so that I can process it and use it. So I’m so thankful that you guys are here and that you listen to me, like, get my shit off. Because I really need to use these tools. And hopefully they are tools that you can find some use for as well. But again, like everyone, not everyone, but a lot of people in my circle have been battle tested. I have people who are just like, you know, I’ve been depressed. I haven’t been answering my phone. My voicemail is full. You can’t text me and nothing. You know, people who go quiet on the timeline. I’m on Twitter, like, if you follow me on Twitter. I apologize if I offend you.

Say, but I have a lot of fun too. So like come join in the fun. But you know, if I talk to you regularly on a timeline, or if we dm each other or whatever, like if you go quiet for a while I’m like Yo, what’s up you I You good? And I’ve had a lot of people that I’ve checked on who’s like, I’m okay. I’m not good, though. I’m okay. And okay, meaning like I’m making it but it’s hard and I’m struggling emotionally, or whatever with incidences, and it’s just a lot of battle testing. You know, unfortunately, we’re living in a country where we’re still dealing with deaths that you know,

baffle us. And that can come with a lot of heaviness. And you know, a lot of sad faces and a lot of you know, I’m scared for my family and on both sides of the coin, and it’s a lot. It’s a lot people are dealing with a lot. COVID is still here for a second. So that is the added weight, added pressure. I don’t know if anybody has the flu anymore. 

For like, I don’t know, we just all just be like it’s all COVID have you had a call?

I think I haven’t had my normal reaction to spring yet. And I think my body just shook like, Nah, we ain’t gonna react too hard this spring because they’re gonna say we got COVID We ain’t doing that. Are we not doing I don’t know body probably like man fitting them battle test me.

Yeah, it’s just a lot of people have been battle tested. So I don’t know if this is the season. However, if you’ve been battle tested, I would venture to say like, you know, attempting to read the room is difficult, you don’t always get to see what the picture is. But if you are someone who can, or you know, someone who can try to pay attention to the pattern of stuff that’s around you. For me, what I’ve learned over the years is that when it rains, it pours. And that usually happens for me right before a great shift. And it’s incredible for my life, wonderful for my life. So right before something really spectacular happens for me, something that I always wanted, right before that happens, a whole lot of bullshit goes down.

Like, you know how people get a calm before a storm, I get the storm before the rainbow.

A lot. I’m paying a mortgage by myself now, which is like,

my math was wrong for a long time. Because, honestly, I’m so surprised that I’m able to handle it. Because when I did the numbers, it wasn’t adding up, right. But somehow, I’m figuring it out. But you know, it’s hard. Because you know, when you think that your roof needs to be replaced, or your garage door needs to be replaced, or something’s going on with some wind damage or whatever, you know, there’s no one to share that that weight with, even if forget about financially, just the weight of knowing that this is what has to be done like woof, it’s heavy, it’s heavy. And you know, I’m here right in the list, like, Oh, my God, I gotta do this. I’m like, just take all my money for I’m making it and I made it through. And I’m better for it.

I was reminded of some tools that I have, that I haven’t really been using lately. And I was reminded that I have them. They’re sharpened already. I’ve seen their impact. They’re good, they’re good. And I’ve been in position to be able to remind some of the people around me what tools they have, and what things they’ve overcome and the beauty in who they are, that has prepared them for the moment in which they stand. And I think that that’s something very important that you need to pay attention to when you go through whatever it is that you’re going through. Because every day is not going to be sunny.


There’s not going to be rainbows around every corner. Sometimes we lose sight of what we’ve already developed within us, that allows us to get through the moment in which we stare. So the thing that you’re ignoring within you,


I would say you know, take five minutes and face it, face it because it’s not going anywhere. It’s not it’s tugging and tugging is spilling. You may not realize the spilling but you know people in your life are getting affected by your ignorance but you continue to ignore it. But you know, you test your child or you test your spouse or you hurt your best friend’s feelings. Or you’re not showing up to work you under the covers. You use up all your sick days and you ain’t really sick. You want to go on vacation and you can feel that whatever, whatever the thing within you that you’re ignoring, you know, take a glimpse at it for Oh, because that’s the thing that could be saying, Hey, listen, I know you don’t want to look at me. But there’s a piece of me that you’ve already survived.


And I just want to remind you that you’ve left your tool here. So here, I’m only bothering you to give you your tool. You know I’m saying like we we ignore it for

It’s like that phone call you don’t answer like, oh my god. So telemarketers and tell them I’m gonna tell them I’m gonna, why don’t they just leave a message?

And then finally you answer the phone and be like, yo, your loan was approved. Shit, why is that it’s coal from

coal mine. So, like I said, that thing within you that you may be ignoring, may just be bothering you to remind you that you left your tool behind. And you need to pick up your tool and you need it for the next thing that you go into, when I’m battle tested, and all these things is swarming in weighing on me, and just basically sitting on my forehead, I’m reminded that, okay, but I saw him in my pocket, let me let me dip into my pocket and start to cut through all this stuff that’s sitting on top of me, let me cut through, you know, I have a girlfriend who, you know, she makes fun of me all the time, because I’d be writing a lot, I have a couple friends who do that to me, but I love them. So it doesn’t matter.

And I’m not write a lot, because I know so much. I just pay attention to the patterns, and I can see what’s happening. You know, and I think it’s a lot easier to do that when you’re not experienced. So they’re right a lot in my life. So there’s that. But, you know, when I was telling her like, Listen, I just got to talk to somebody because this is just too much like what is happening. And she’s like, says, just make a list. And you know, it’s so simple. It’s so simple. But then I thought to myself, I’m like, you know, there was a time in my life that I made a list for everything, everything. My Saturday list, my Sunday list, my Monday through Friday list. And it was how I organized my brain. And I did that because at the time I was an executive assistant. And that’s how I handled work because I supported so many people. And that’s how I got everything organized. And I brought that home and I haven’t done it in forever. And I was just like, that’s a tool that I had, and it was developed, and I was using it and it was impactful. And it’s just so simple. It’s the smallest thing, but you know, I was gonna ignore how I was feeling and not saying anything to anybody. Anybody. I was like, You know what, I’m being a baby. I’m being a brat. This is just adulting I got to get myself together, I gotta do it. And I just but it was just sitting on me. I’m like, Oh my god, I got to talk to somebody because I’m going to flip. Okay, and it’s not going to be pretty. I’m going to flip let me talk to somebody and let me bring myself out of that. And when I talked to her and she was like, “make a list.” She had to say no, no Saturday, I was like, Well, why am I making a list? What’s wrong with me? This sounds simple, so dumb that I’m not making.


So I mean, like, it’s a very small example. But again, you know, I would have struggled for much longer had I not opened up and talked to somebody. And it was just bothering me for something so simple as saying, duh, you left your tool behind him to make a list my man. That’s it, it was so simple. So whatever it is that’s within you that’s bothering you gnawing at you that you keep ignoring, it may be worth it for you to look at it for a second, and maybe worth it, it may be the thing that you need to get over something else that is troubling you in your life, face it, face it, and then fix it. You can’t fix it without holding it. You can’t, you can do it.


ignoring it, don’t fix it. Once you face it, the battle just feels so less heavy. So less heavy on when you’d like to put your finger on it. You know, I have a friend who was going through something and this friend is very, very dear to me. And they were going through something and they couldn’t put their finger on it. And I was like let’s talk about it. Me. Kind of like nah, no, no, no, no, nothing’s wrong. So you know me, I’m pushy. So I’m like, well, we ain’t gonna talk about it. But I’m gonna talk about what I see is sorry, probably like, yeah, whatever I don’t want to hear enough for now I got to say, but the next day, their vision was a little clearer. And they were able to put their finger on it. And then we were able to talk about it together. But once they talked about it, and started to get through the emotion rather than pushing the emotion down, just face it face what it is that you’re feeling face, what it is that you’re dealing with, figure out the words, whatever to call it, what it is,


and face it, and particularly if you have people in your life who were willing to face it with you. That to me is a huge blessing. One that I’d love to give and by god I’m so thankful that I do receive it. But you know, face it, face it, once we faced whatever the issue was. I’m telling you the person the next day I was like oh


You look better. You look, you look so much better, like the light is returning to your face. And sometimes All we need is a conversation, like I didn’t do anything, I didn’t do anything, I didn’t make any change in that person’s life or they didn’t, you know, solve the problem, which for me is a big deal because I am a problem solver by nature. And it puts me in trouble all the time, I go above and beyond to solve your problem. And then I’m mad as hell to train grateful for.


I didn’t do anything, but just talking it out, you know, facing it was a reminder of what tools are already in place in order to get past this. Sometimes, you know, when I say you can talk to the universe in which you repeat to the universe, the universe will shout down back at you. But sometimes when we talk about stuff, I really think that we’re telling the universe that we need some comfort, you ever talk about an issue, and you get a little bit of comfort from one place and then out of nowhere, you get another affirmation, and out of nowhere, you get another message that confirms you know, some great information in your life. It’s like sometimes you gotta let the universe know that, hey, I need some comfort, in you know, address the issue out loud, and get your comfort.


out, there’s so much that I feel like we don’t tap into and how we work within the universe and how we work with each other and how we love each other. We don’t love each other enough. We don’t and Well, you know what, I’m gonna stop saying that too. Because like the way that my circles built now is straight love. For row for row. The people that are very close to me, I love and I love to death. I do. If I once say I’ve arrived for you, that’s it. That’s it. You know, it doesn’t get to be rather dark because I don’t plan on dying. And I feel like we shouldn’t be in no situation. We got to die. But I’m gonna hold you down, I’m gonna hold you to the end. And you know, I’m very selective about who gets that energy for me. Because I don’t know when to let go. I don’t know when to stop riding. I’m probably gonna ride longer than you ride and you gotta be for somebody somebody like truly Valley to I’m probably not the person to tell because I’m mad at that person way beyond when you forgive them. I’m like,


now gotta feel forced to forgive them. Like, it’s crazy. I gotta be really selective about who I give that energy to. But lately I’ve been given that decision over to the universe, not like, do you deserve my love and loyalty? No, I’m just like, you know what? I’m going to read the room. And I’m going to listen to what the universe tells me. And I’m going to trust that. I’m going to trust that my discernment I always say in all cases, people in life will make fun of me for this to my determination ever wrong. It’s not. That’s why it’s discernment. That’s exactly why I need an opinion in a hold is what I think No, this is me reading the room. I mean, picking up which put down discernment. It’s not wrong. I’m lucky enough that the people in my life I’ve discerned that I can trust them like a rifle. And they do it for me like, I have some real good people in my life. from people that I’ve known for 20 years, people I’ve known for 15 years, people I’ve known for 10 people I’ve known for three months solid solid and they helped me face what it is that’s troubling me and face my fears and face my trauma. face my hurt for face my pain, face my fear of success sometimes. That’s what it is. That’s a hard one to even admit. But you know, we keep whenever Oh right, we keep that uh, but sometimes we get on the brink and it’s a little scary because we don’t believe it is really about to happen so we like to pull this like edgy.


Like success edge? Shall don’t do it. But yeah, you know, you’ve been battle tested, there’s a lot of stuff that’s going on, you know, we try to read the room, and anything that’s within you that you ignore and you know, that might be the key either the key so why it seems like you in the middle of a storm. And it could just be that you are not really in the middle of a storm but you’re ignoring something else and it’s spilling out into your life. So you test the and you’re not handling other stuff well, and once you face that, then you’ll realize all this other stuff wasn’t a big deal. Like it could be so many things. Please stop ignoring the thing that’s tugging at you. That’s my note to self and note to you as well. Alright, that’s enough like harping on it. If you want to support me, well, you already support me because you are here but if you’d like to go a step further, my books are available on Amazon. I am the author of Phoenix ash. If you like romance I have Delectable; A Sweet Romance available on paperback as well as Kindle, you can read Touch Me First, which is his romance, but it kicks it up a notch. You know, when the freak department


really freaky? I mean, I don’t know depends on what your standards are. But um touch me first is cute. It’s about a, it’s an online romance. So definitely you can pick that up. That’s also available on paperback and Kindle. My savage fever series episodes one through four are all available on Kindle unlimited. So if you have Kindle Unlimited, they’re all free, pick that up, read it. I’m working on the finale as we speak. So catch up, because then it’s about to go down. For real for real. I also have hotels yo, it’s an anthology. I’m one of the authors. It’s inspired by a Jazmine Sullivan album. It’s a lot of twists and turns. It is what you think. But it’s not what you think. Nanami so pick that up, read it. Tell me what you think. Hit me up on Twitter, whatever gets up in my inbox or whatever, Instagram. Let’s talk about it. You got questions? Let’s talk about it. If I don’t want to answer I won’t. But I’m gonna answer your question. What else I got Oh, cookies and crumbles and soil sheets. Those were like the first two books that I had published under a publisher. So I’m very proud of them. Get definitely pick those up on paperback as well as on Kindle. It’s a lot going on guys. Like you notice a lot of places for you to jump in. I wish I’ll download the Kindle app if you follow me on twitter soccer star giving away some free books. But yeah, hit me up. Let me know I’d love it. If you left a review of any of my books. I’m all good reads as well. So do that. I appreciate all the time that you give me all the moments that we share. And I love the messages when you guys get up in my inbox and we talk and you tell me about the show or you tell me you got an idea. You want me to address a certain issue. I love that. So please keep doing that. I love that. Thank you. I appreciate you. Until the next time when we can exchange power peace.


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