Phoenix: Hello? What up? What up? What up? This is Life As P. I’m your host, Phoenix Ash. They call me P if this is your first time joining us, I appreciate you. And I say us because I’ve been lucky enough to have several listeners who check in every week, which, Oh my God. I appreciate you guys.
I love you so much. So if you’ve told your friends about me or you’ve retweeted it or re posted it in Facebook or whatever. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. I appreciate everyone you guys for being here. Um, so let’s get into it. Just going over, like the messages that have been coming to me, you know, week after week, you know, I feel like right now I’m in a season of not necessarily reflecting on what message I received like that day or that week, but like, there is some repetitive messages, so I’m like, I feel like the universe is kind of like knocking me on the head, like… “Girl, pay attention.” So I want to share some of the things that I’ve been paying attention to and the biggest thing for me right now. Yeah. Is accepting the blessing. Like, and I might’ve talked about it before, because you know, if you’ve checked in before, you know, my memory could be trashed.
Sometimes I either remember everything. I remember nothing. So if I talked about it before and you got something from it, that’s great. You can listen again. Maybe I’m in a different place in my life. Maybe I go off a different perspective, but whatever, but definitely about being accepting for the blessing.
Like there are things that we want in our lives, whether it be career, whether it be what we want for our children or what we want in our relationships, romantic relationships, friendships, whatever. And we just like, you know, it would be nice if I came across X, Y, and Z, or it would be nice if I had such a, such as such in my life and we sometimes get glimpses of it.
Right. And we get really excited of that glimpse. And we’re just like, Ugh, may be. Maybe this is it. And we’re so excited. And then like when that thing doesn’t pan out, we get really disappointed, like ah man. But like, what if those glimpses are just preparation? Like just getting little tiny doses at a time because the universe wants you to recognize it when the full thing shows up. And so maybe there’s just, you know, you have to take steps. Maybe you have, maybe it’s not just going to boom, pop into your life. Maybe you need to be prepared. So rather than being disappointed that those little glimpses didn’t pan out into the real thing, maybe we just accept them as part of our preparation for when the real thing gets here.
Because I also feel like when the real thing does get here, And it comes in its totality and it’s so full and it’s hitting so many angles and it’s, you know, just really full fledged that we get so afraid that we doubt it. And we’re like not adding it. It’s too on the nose… it’s too right. It’s too… It’s too good.
It’s too perfect. And we’re waiting for the other shoe to drop and we’re like, Not, you know, I’ve been wanting to have a career in, I don’t know somebody, I want to say engineering, but like, I really don’t know what that field looks like. I don’t know if you graduate and you get an internship and things starts to pan out for you, or if it’s like some other industries where you have to struggle a little bit looking for your niche, looking for where you fit or just finding your way.
So that’s probably not a good. Example for me. Cause I don’t really know about that, but you know, like let’s say you’ve been wanting to work in the music industry. Um, you’ve wanted to be a singer and you know, you’ve had like, you know, the little manager or the little publicist who says they’re gonna do stuff for you and you thought that it was all that, and then it wasn’t, it didn’t pan out. And so you get a bitter taste in your mouth and you go forward with all the things that you feel you need to do in order to establish yourself and produce good work and so forth. And then there’s an opportunity. It lands, you know, right in front of you and it’s in the totality.
You know, you’ve got people with good business sense. You’ve got your own attorney who is reviewing contracts, who is saying, and this might be an outdated example, right. Because I know so many people do independent stuff and the stream online, but I’m just, just got to give me an example. So just bear with me, but you know, you’ve got all your ducks in a row basically to say, you have your attorney, you have your publicist, you have your manager and everybody’s on the up and up and contracts are looking good.
And you’ve been able to negotiate because the contract is not, is typically not going to look good the first time you look at it. So, you know, negotiations have happened and everything’s happened and it’s like, you still waiting for it to not pan out. Your name could be on the dotted line. There could be a check in your bank account, and you’re still waiting for it to not pan out because you don’t believe that you’re loved that much, that what you want.
Right. With all your heart is going to come to fruition. So you’re afraid, and you’re afraid that you’re going to give your all to this opportunity, to this thing, to this job, to this friendship, to this relationship, to this, whatever, being a step parent, whatever. You’re afraid that if you give all of yourself to this, that.
You’re going to be crushed when it doesn’t pan out. Because somewhere in your mind, you’re convinced that it won’t pan out, that it’s not going to work. And I would venture to say, well, what if it’s the fact that you didn’t commit your whole self to it? What if that’s why it didn’t pan out? What if that is the key to making it pan out that you.
Go for it fully 100%, except the fact that you are a human who has been gifted with the ability of healing and recovering. And if it doesn’t pan out, you’ll be fine. You’ll be okay. You’ve made it through everything else. That you’ve had to come up against this far, so you’re going to make it through this as well.
But what if it’s the giving of your entire self to this thing? Not to everything. Right. But to this thing, that’s basically here in the totality. Um, what if that’s the thing? What if that’s the key, right? Not the whole back, just in case. So maybe. Maybe your, your lack of full commitment is the thing that’s stopping it from becoming the full thing that you wanted to be.
And I struggled with those thoughts sometimes because, um, I got a friend of mine who always says like, you know, I’m hardcore and I’m, I’m so not right. I think I’m extremely sensitive and I dream a lot and um, I want things to be a certain way and I want them to be fantastic and romantic. And when I say romantic, I’m not even talking about like, Traditional romance.
I’m talking about, like, I am a romantic, I believe in the beauty of life and the beauty of things and getting your goals and living a great life. Like I don’t believe that struggle forever is necessary. I believe it’s, you know, necessary in pockets to grow you and stretch you in order for you to get to the next level.
But I don’t believe that it’s a way of being. I don’t believe that that’s, that’s destined, at least not for myself. I’m not destined to have struggle as my way of being. And I refuse to accept that. Like, I don’t struggle. I have struggled days, but I’m never in a state of struggling. So that’s all another show guys.
Right? You know, when I think about things that are in front of my face. I remember when I found out I was pregnant with Saudia. And for those of you who are just joining Saudia is my only child. She is the first of eight children to survive. I, um, went through an awful lot of loss. Prior to her and I was not ready, or I didn’t believe I was emotionally ready to have her.
She was a surprise pregnancy. It was only three months prior to me finding out I was pregnant with her, that I went into preterm labor with my son and my son was the third child I had given birth to that year. So it was just crazy. And. I was going through the first one portions of my pregnancy and things were aligning, or there were boxes that needed to be checked in previous pregnancies that were not.
So, you know, I don’t know if anybody suffers from PCOS, which is polycystic ovarian syndrome, but I am a suffer and well, no, I am a thriver. I it’s, it’s my diagnosis, but it’s, it’s not my sentence. So. I deal with PCLs and it makes it difficult for a lot of things, whether it be to lose weight, whether it be to minimize how my chair’s growing on my chin… childddd I got to get the laser, you got me?
Um, or, you know, it also causes difficulty through pregnancy. Um, whether it be whatever, you know, not every woman with PCOS has the same problem with pregnancy or. Weight gain or, you know, hair or whatever, but these are things that can happen. I unfortunately like check every box. I was like, yeah, I got that issue.
I got that issue. So I don’t produce progesterone really, which is a hormone that is necessary to carry pregnancy. And, but things were aligning. Like I was supposed to get progesterone shots, you know, inserts, all this kind of stuff. And it was like in previous pregnancies, it wasn’t time properly. So like were doctors would thought they have more time or like give or take a week it’s okay.
But like with me a week off, if I’m supposed to get a progesterone shot and week 13, you cannot wait till week 14. Like the difference between those two weeks is the difference between me carrying a healthy pregnancy. I mean, not so, I mean, granted, I ain’t worried about that no more because there’s no more babies, but that is the difference.
And when I was pregnant with Saudia, everything was aligning. I was getting everything on time. I was getting my progesterone on time. I got my supplies, which is, you know, some stitching. I got that on time. I got it. You know, everything was great. And I still could not believe that the blessing was here. I still was like waiting for the other shoe to drop.
Now, granted I’ve had very traumatic situations prior to, and it was so recent that, yeah, it’s understandable, but still at the same time, all the signs were like, this is a go. This is a go. And I remember I was about six months pregnant before I finally felt like I heard. And I’m a believer in God. So if you’re not, you know, that’s your business or whatever, you don’t have to handle this portion.
But I personally felt like I had an experience where I felt like I was hearing from God. And then basically was saying, listen, this child, she is going to be born when she’s supposed to be born and she’s going to be okay. And that was when I relaxed, but I was like, I feel like God was getting tired of me.
He was like, I didn’t shown you all this stuff. All of this stuff. I showed you that everything is a goal right now. Everything is a goal. Everything is in alignment. It’s clicking. Everything is right. It looks right. It sounds right. It feels right. Right. But like child, you still needed me to come down and tell you that it was fine.
And I feel like it’s like that in a lot of situations, even those that are less traumatic. We get these jobs that we believe will be a full, you know, a full blessing of full deliverance of our goal. And we work for it and we, and then we get to it and we’re like, Hmm, it’s too on the nose. Like it’s so perfect.
The salary is right. The people that I’m going to work with is right. The kind of work that I’m going to do is right. They’re going to give me my creative control, that blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. Right. And we are like, Oh no, it might be too right. But not if everything is in alignment, everything is clicking.
Everything works within you. The portions, like, you know, and the thing is that you’re doubting it. You’re having that gut feeling. That’s like, yo, I think this is it. You’re having that gut feeling. But you are trying too hard to be logical. You’re trying too hard to make sense of it. You you’re like, well, why is it clicking?
Why, why is it now? Why wasn’t it before? Why isn’t it tomorrow, whatever. And I’m seeing except the blessing. And the thing is, is that we are so. Wound up about being right, right. Like, Oh, well I thought it was, but I was wrong. Like we’re so wound up about that, but maybe the blessing is meant to be temporary and to get you to another step.
Like it doesn’t just because that’s what you thought you saw does not mean that there wasn’t another vision behind the vision. It doesn’t mean that there was there, there was something else in the funnel that, yeah. That’s all you saw because you were looking dead down the funnel line, right? Right. The first thing that you’re going to come to is what’s in front of you, but once you clear that obstacle, there’s something behind it.
So it’s okay. If it was perfect for one year and then you got uncomfortable. That’s okay. Go to the next step. That means something else is bigger, better, because you’re now prepared for that next thing you weren’t prepared before you had to get through this to get to the next. And so yes, it was clicking.
It was your blessing. It was a thing. It does not mean that it’s there to last forever. Sometimes it does. That’s great, but it’s okay if it doesn’t, it’s not you being right that, Oh, see, I was right. You know, cause after a year it didn’t pan out. No that doesn’t make you right. To wait for the shoe to drop the shoes, not dropping.
You’ve learned all that you’ve can learn. You’ve gotten what you’re supposed to get and now it’s time to go on. Go on, you know, I sometimes look at my marriage that way is that, you know, I was in it for so long or whatever, and there’s so many things. I beat myself up about that, you know, I could have left and I should have left.
And at every interval, you know, I was. Paying more reverence to the amount of years we were together then to the quality of what we were experiencing together. And, but I, I have a beautiful daughter who could not be who she is if she wasn’t a little bit of him and a little bit of me, and it was not long after I had my daughter, that things started to become clear that we were not where we were supposed to be any longer.
Not that we had never supposed to been there. We just weren’t supposed to be there any longer. And it was, it was clear and it was, you know, I believe my daughter is what we were supposed to get out of it. You know, we got some other smaller things, I think, um, when we’re not upset, we may be able to see some other gifts, but she’s, she’s the real deal and it’s okay.
That. That was the beautiful fruit. And then now we have to shift gears and now it looks a little different. It’s okay. You know, I say this, like when I meet people and I’m just like, Oh my God, this person is checking all my boxes. And then, you know, but with my, I think there’s like six weeks and no, some boxes started getting checks erased.
It’s like, Oh, wait a second. But you know, There’s something that I got from each situation. There’s something that I walked away with. Whether I learned something about myself, whether I learned what I will accept, what I learned, because you know, when you locked away in a 19 year relationship, yes, I was with my ex-husband for 19 years.
When you locked away and damn near … for damn near 20 years in a relationship, sometimes you don’t know. Things about yourself as a single person. You don’t know about your boundaries. You don’t know what it is that will make you fall in love. You don’t know what will make you truly appreciate someone. You don’t know.
You don’t remember because when you in a relationship for that long. Your boundaries. Yeah. They get blurred. You think you’re holding on and stuff, but there’s stuff that like, it gets blurred because you’re married and you’re trying to be more forgiving and you’re trying to be a partner. And you’re trying not to be the kind of person who runs at every site of trouble.
So you’ve learned to adapt to certain situations where you as a single person would not be adapting to those situations. You as a single person would be like, nah, I done did that. I don’t want to do that. You know, when I was married, I thought I was so low maintenance. And one of the things I learned is that if you constantly assert yourself as low maintenance to someone else that may look like no maintenance.
And so. You know, people may feel that they don’t have to invest in the relationship or invest in your wellbeing in terms of your spiritual wellbeing of feeling good and feeling appreciated. It’s very difficult and it’s not necessarily because the person is such a menace, but sometimes it’s, you’ve given off the wrong signal.
You know, I’ve constantly given off the signal. Like I don’t need much. You don’t have to do much. You don’t have to, I’m not the type where you have to take me out every time you don’t have to spend a bunch of money on me. I really appreciate, you know, just chilling. I’m a chill girl. Like I appreciate laying back watching movies.
I want to laugh. I want to dance a little, but I know I sound like I’m doing an ad, right? Like come find me! At the same time. Like, I didn’t know that I needed romance. I didn’t know that I needed to be shown affection and that’s new for me because I’m definitely an affectionate person. And I always thought that that’s the only way that like I give love and I still don’t need an overwhelming amount of it, but there’s some things that I do need and I don’t need, when I say I don’t need.
Okay. A overwhelming amount of it. I think it’s, it’s just not overt. I don’t need like all the over the top stuff, but like, yeah, there’s certain amount of touches per day. You should, you know, share, you know, touch me for no reason, you know, play with my hair for no reason, things like that. So I’m learning these things about myself, but even though.
You know, certain situations don’t pan out. It doesn’t mean that it wasn’t a blessing. It doesn’t mean that it wasn’t the right thing. Right then. You see what I’m saying? It doesn’t mean that. And so like when I meet someone who is checking all my boxes and you know, it makes me feel amazing. Like, what am I going to do?
I’m just going to stop and just wait for the shoe to drop or I can give it my all and I can make them feel amazing too. And maybe, maybe that’s the thing that’ll make It work between us, but if it’s not it’s okay. Because I believe in my ability to recover, I believe in my ability to heal, I’ll be okay, because if it doesn’t pan out, it means it wasn’t mine.
And it wasn’t meant to be, which means whatever it was that I felt, whatever it was that I experienced, all the wonderful beauty of everything. There’s something more. If that’s not mine, if that’s my glimpse, huh? There’s something more. So I’m going to give it my all and it’s going to do what they do. And so I get to the next step.
And that’s what I’m just saying. It’s like when you get, you know, as much as I would love to. Be a content creator for television, you know, I, I constantly poke myself and be like, and when it happened, are you going to know that it’s happening? Like, are you going to accept that it’s happening? Are you going to relish in the beauty of finally accomplishing a goal or find.
Because it’s not an end goal. Like, like I’ve accomplished it and it’s finished. Like it’s a life that I’m going to live. And so it’s like, well, when you start to live that life, are you going to recognize it? You know, and it’s a legit question because when I became a published author, when I had published myself, I remember, um, my home girl Tasha was like, yo, you don’t celebrate after each book was up with that.
Like, you know, you publish a book and right after you publish in a book, I immediately hear you talking about what the next book is and how you have to sit and you have to plan and you have to outline and you have to, and she’s like, where is the celebration? Of publishing the book. Where is the hoof.
Okay. I did it. Where’s the break. Where’s the, you know, you’re going out for drinks or, you know, whatever, however you celebrate, like where is that? Um, and she’s like, you’re not valuing your own contribution to your life. And that really stuck out to me. I mean, she didn’t say it in those words, but that’s what I read from it.
Like I’m not valuing my own contribution. I’m so appreciative of everyone else’s contribution into my life. But like, am I appreciative of the goals that I’ve accomplished? Like, I need to appreciate my value in my life. Sounds crazy, but I, I don’t know. It feels like that’s what I’m learning. So, um, all of that to say that when everything is in alignment and it starts clicking.
Don’t be afraid and don’t turn your back on it because it’s too on the nose. That’s the beauty of everything clicking, like it’s falling into place and you’re finally getting that thing you hope, wish dream for, but be okay if it’s not forever. Like just because it’s dream of ours does not mean it needs to be a forever dream.
And I honestly don’t know if we even know that at any point until it’s not forever. Like, I don’t know if we get the opportunity to foresee that this thing is not forever. So just relish in it because it might be your full commitment to it that makes it forever. That might be the key and if it’s not the kids, okay.
Like we don’t have to always be right. We don’t always have to be able to predict the end and you know, let’s not stress ourselves out with, you know, waiting for when things are going to take a wrong turn. Let’s not do that. And when I say let’s, I’m really talking to me myself, because I tend to do that.
I’m like, you know, this spot to take a wrong turn. I know it’s going to take a wrong turn eventually. And then I’m here two, three, four, five, six months down the road, and it has not taken a wrong turn yet. But what has happened is I have not fully committed to it. So until I fully commit, it always has the opportunity to take the wrong turn.
When I fully commit. It’ll either pan out or to lead me to something bigger and greater where, you know, I’ll realize that that wasn’t the entire dream. That was just an element in the dream. You know? You see what I’m saying? So, yeah. Except the blessing that’s in front of you, except the good, except that it’s all clicking, except that it’s falling into place.
It’s yours. Go ahead and grab hold of it and understand that whether it’s here for now or for a lifetime, it’s still yours. It’s still right. It’s still right for you and you get to have it. You get to have it, you deserve it because when we have that fear, I think we also like neglect. The work that we’ve done to prepare whether it be for, you know, a job like, or for a career, you know, your schooling or you open it, small business and your business is finally starting to take off like the funding, the, the research, the getting the building, all that out, went into relationship, all that self work you’ve done to heal yourself, to get yourself ready for a relationship.
And then you meet this wonderful person and everything is clicking, clicking, clicking, and you’re doubting it. You’re doubting it and that, you know, if you have some questions, if you’re afraid, do it anyway, you know what I’m saying? Like do it anyway, because, and I’m not saying close your eyes. Right. So if there’s signs that right then that’s opposite of what I’m talking about.
I’m talking about things are clicking. Everything is clicking. Everything is falling, right. It look right. Yeah. Just accept the blessing that’s in front of you. And if it’s not forever, it’s okay. It’s all right. I promise you. You’ll be okay. Like don’t let your heart, you know, stay broken. Don’t and I know sometimes there’s some pain and some trauma that we feel as though we can’t get over, but I’m of the mindset that that’s a determination.
If you’re determined to get over it, you will. But if you’re determined to wallow in it, you will do that as well. So I’m, I’m trying to remind myself to accept the blessing. I really do feel like I’ve covered this before previous season, but I feel like it’s worth it anyway. It’s for us to talk about it.
So yeah, just, I’m just trying to accept what’s in front of me and I’m trying to give as much of me as I possibly can to it until it resolves itself, whether it makes itself lifelong or until it goes away. And I figured out what I was supposed to learn or take from it. That’s the spiel. I know I went a little long today, but like, that’s an important thing.
I feel that’s on my mind and I feel like I probably may revisit it again because it’s, it’s a very powerful message to me right now. And I just feel like, like I said, the universe is like knocking me over the head with it. And it’s like, girl, you got to pay attention. You got to follow suit. You got to, you know, and so I’m just trying to keep my eyes open and my senses aware.
Okay. There’s still more to come on that hopefully it’ll pan out into something and I’ll have something to report, but. Any who you want to get at me? You want to talk to me about this or any other subject, please get at me on Twitter. I’m at Pwrites on Instagram. I’m at Pwrites on Facebook. Um, Phoenix Ash.
Um, I have a reader group on Facebook. It’s called Phoenix is fyahflies Come join me. Join the conversation here. We have a good old time crack up sometimes a show like artwork from Saudia, but yeah, like we’ll have a great time. I got a new book coming out. I’m going to be part of the anthology called hotels.
Right? So it’s based off the Jasmine itself Sullivan album. I’m very excited about that. I have a story in there. I think it’s very sexy, very surprising. So I definitely feel like you need to check that out. It’s coming out later this month. I’ll keep you guys posted on that for anything else. Like I said, just hit me up on Twitter. Let’s chat. Let’s chop it up. Let’s see what’s going on. How can I help you? How can you help me? Let’s. Let’s figure this out. How can we, you know, be part of each other’s community and strengthen our networks, whatever let’s do it. Even if it’s just like, just to make each other have a great day, let’s do it, whatever.
All right. Until the next time when we can exchange power, I got so much love for you guys. Peace.