BONUS EPISODE: Do You Qualify For Valentine’s?

Play episode
life as p
Hosted by
Phoenix Ash


If you’re fighting your own demons, should you be jumping into a romantic relationship? Today Justice, Phoenix and special guest Twan are back for a BONUS VALENTINE’S EPISODE (one of the last available for free!) about dating, romance and love. Want more exclusive content? Join our Patreon!

For shownotes, resources and more, visit:

Check out Phoenix Ash website, Pashentmedia
, for author services and more!

Phoenix Ash: Instagram | Twitter | LinkedIn
Savage Fever
Savage Fever Episode #2
Savage Fever Episode #3
Savage Fever Episode #4
Touch Me First
In Her MakeUp
Soiled Sheets
Cookies & Crumbles


Justice: All right. We want to welcome everybody back. Thank you so much for joining us on this special episode of a SayWHA Radio you got your girl Justice here with some special guests as usual. We have the lovely Phoenix Ash always join me for the juicy tidbit shows what up though? And we also have with us tonight as a special guest host, Twan, he’ll be going through some of the juicy topics we got tonight, and we wanted to have an outside opinion of the, the regular crew. So Phoenix invited him on and I’m looking forward to this discussion. I really, really am.

All right. So I ran across this post a while back. And when I initially saw it, I was just like, this is really what mean P have been talking about a few times on our BONUS EPISODEs, which everybody keeps asking me, you know, can we have him outside of the Patreon? No, you got to go subscribe to the Patreon, your honor, you’ll get, you’ll get those juicy tidbits. But they loved like the little slip is they’re like, Oh, we want it outside. Hey, Hey, we come on. We got to at the network. Because all I’m asking is that it’s like $2 is something like that. I’m like, that’s it come on. You got to be alright. But this post came around and I’m going to read it off.

And first I’m going to read the post and the replies to it and go out and get everybody’s opinion on it. And let me start with this. In some ways, dating is for people who have their lives together, you have no business dating. If you’re fighting demons and losing, and there was a reply to it going, this isn’t a popular opinion, but some people can’t make it through on their own. And sometimes are loving relationship can help you through that. And they get into a little dialogue being true, but some will take will tend to make it, that person, their main source of happiness and eventually turn left for both parties.

And there are the last reply being all due respect. This is a privilege take to heal, need support, and not everyone has that. Some people don’t have families or loved ones, no one heals by themselves. That’s a myth, love and support, no matter who it comes from can help true slash healthy love. Isn’t about using. And I’m going to go to Twan on a first to get his opinion on those statements. Tell us what you think.

Twan: All right. So I kind of feel both sides. I kind of feel like, you know, where the first party is coming from absolutely. Where, you know, you shouldn’t be really be dating if you know, you don’t have certain things in order. So I liked the way that the language was used, where if you’re fighting your demons, but you’re losing then you shouldn’t be that, that was a great point to make it like, if you are losing, absolutely not. You, you said you did, you already get the ….? Like, what are you wanting to come on in? Our relationships are quiet, work and energy and time. And you have to, you, you can’t get a relationship to the proper amount of energy and time. If you are getting kicked by your demons every single day.

Right? That’s, that’s the real list. The part about relationships. And I don’t think a lot of people are realistic about that. You know, they don’t, they go into relationships and yeah, it sounds good in the beginning. But once that honeymoon phase, whereas office like, all right, what do I really know about you? What are, what do I, can you weather the storm? Like, and that’s really what it comes to us with. Can you weather a storm? Because the storm is coming no matter what. Okay. And a lot of people don’t really understand that. So I don’t know, in my opinion, that’s where a lot of things fail, you know, from the beginning, they don’t really take the time to do that in the beginning. So I feel what that person is coming from. When they say, Hey, if you are losing to your demons, you shouldn’t be dating. Absolutely. I agree with that.

Justice: And the second take words there, the person is like, this is a privileged view because you ha you already had somebody or you always have somebody, or you’re coming from the viewpoint of, you know, you are a family of friends and somebody’s to fall back on,

Twan: On the flip side. I do believe we all need somebody. I don’t think we, any of us can get anywhere in this world by ourselves. That’s the best as being real about it. We need somebody, our parents, our siblings, you know, that friendship from somebody that it’s not really a family, but we treat them and love them. Like family, like, you know, a romantic relationships. Yeah. I absolutely believe that they can be a cornerstone of someone’s life and help them get their lives on board. I think, you know, I’ve got a friend who, he was a bit of a Playboy and he got married. All of a sudden it was been a girl who’s been dating since high school, but out of the blue, him, her got married. They had been dating on and off about five or six years. I asked him, I was like, you know, why did you marry her? And he was like, first of all, like she had my daughter.

So I was going to love her for life anyway. And he was like, second of all, like she just brung something to the other women just didn’t bring it out. Like, what was that? He was like stability. And I was like, I make sense. And he had just lost. His mother had just died. And you know, it was a sense of stability that he knew he needed. And that’s why he married his wife. And to me, I was like, okay, that makes sense. That’s a logical standpoint. That’s not an emotional decision. That’s a very logical decision for him to make. So I get it. We all need somebody. He needed her for stability because his life was no longer stable because his mother had passed away. They had a beautiful marriage, man.

They had a beautiful, she’s been there. I didn’t say that they were dating on and off before they even got married. So to them getting married, wasn’t a surprise. It was just, they didn’t tell anybody that they were doing it, but then it wasn’t surprising for us to see them married because we knew that they were going to be together. And you know, they’d done a thing for years. So on and off, So what a surprise for me. But it was a still life. Everybody has their reason. Everybody needs somebody in his reason for needing his wife was the ability he needed that emotional stability in his life. And, and I think that we all need that. I think we all need it. And I think we all get it from different places. I know my emotional stability usually comes from my children, my emotions, or my emotions are all out of whack.

Like I bury myself in my kids and that’s where I draw my Mo Because to me in my mind, they’re really the only stable my life.

Phoenix: You see, like, this is the difference that I’m saying, like how you said your friend was with, he got married. He saw the emotional stability. I feel like the statement of, if you’re fighting your demons and losing, I feel like it’s too broad. It’s too general. I feel like it’s talking about a specific demon because depending on what it is that you are fighting, like, so if you are fighting … You know what I’m saying? But that’s what I’m saying is too broad. It’s like, what? So nobody who’s trying to get their shit together at all. Like for me, the whole like dating thing, like that is part of me get my shit together. Like that. That’s the norm.

Twan: Not everybody views it that way, but everybody views dating in that perspective. Like some people just view it’s like, I’m not going to date until my shit is together because dating is not a dating app is not a part of that for them dating as the, the, the icing that the cherry on top for them. But you know, their priority. That is, Hey, I got to my career, I got school. I got my life. I got my kids. You know, I got other things that they did and its relationship. But for me, that’s pretty much where it is. I’m not very high on pushing myself to be in a relationship right now. I know that I still have realistic goals within my reach that I can have and what happens happens.

Phoenix: But I’m not really one that’s pushing for what I’m not going to say, Hey, I’m not ready for a relationship when I’m in full pursuit of this goal, that I have a lot that I would be kind of a leading. So one of them, I say that

I feel like that’s a different thing. Like the relationship is like dating matured, like with dating is a phase prior to relationship in my mind, dating and relationship is not the same thing. So for me, dating is the same way you have career to the same way. I’m a mom, you know, the same way I’m a writer. Like all of those things, our aspects of my life and dating is just the additional aspect of my life. So when I say like, that’s part of me getting my stuff together is just getting order and my different aspects of my life.

Twan: You prioritize them. And that makes sense. Or what the, what do you call it? A co… compartmentalizing. Yeah.

Justice: A lot of people do. I think ….The take that the post, the re the original poster was saying is that mainly the, I believe it had to do with the toxic stuff. It’s the people who are, you know, they actually get into relationships for you to fix them, which is a completely different thing. And it’s mainly because one, they don’t know any other person to go to our two that’s all they know from other relationships or other behaviors that they’ve seen is when I get into a relationship that everything is going to be fixed, that type of thing, because that person is going to take care of me. They’re going to do, you know, better for me. And you do have those people who have the super save a whole complex and are okay with that.

But I think a lot of people, especially, and you will find a lot of them on those damn dating apps. They want to latch onto somebody and do come on up.

Twan: I guess that’s what I would be missing that man. Cause I never played a date on that. So like, I, I just always did Twitter and Facebook. I’ve never played a game. Like I try, like I started with my space. I moved a black man. And the only reason why I even had those two, because I was dating my, my daughter’s mother at a time and she had those. So I wasn’t even heavy on those like dating apps. Nah, man. Yeah. I know. But listen, listen to me, we used to be on black planet in the chat room just battlin’ homies.

Phoenix: I had a blackman. It was crazy.

Twan: Yeah. Crazy throw bag, man. But I’ll be messing all of that. I don’t get the people coming to ask and to be faced a more than often, I’ve encountered more people who like they have a savior complex. I have to fix this person so they can be what I want them to be. That’s more, that’s more of what I run into more people. Or I, if I can just change this one thing about this person, they’ll be everything that I need. Like it’s, I’ve encountered more people trying to change peoples instead of accepting people for who they are. And I think that is, that causes a lot of friction with people.

Like, you know, you shouldn’t try to chase someone if they are not who you see them as they are not who you want to be in that moment, then maybe you should go find who you really looking for.

Justice: But this also, in my opinion, also kind of the same thing for you, you’re fighting a demon and losing where you get a genuine,behavior thinking is going to get better or that you’re going to find that person that wants to be changed like that. ’cause once you do find that person, they get into it and like, this is a lot of fucking work. Yeah. Okay. And at that point you are so drained and exhausted from trying to better somebody else that you start to lose out on yourself, like on some real shit. I had that demon in my marriage. Yeah.

Twan: What about my, my question is why are you trying to better someone else going into the relationship, instead of just saying, look, either I can accept this for what it is or can’t accept this for what it is. Wow.

Phoenix: I know in my experience at and know that that’s the demon in our head. And I didn’t know that I was going to be trying to fix the one. You know, I met my ex-husband. I met him. I was really young when I first was introduced to him. My problem was like 19. And by the time we got together, I was 21 going on 22. And I had no, you know, no older siblings, my parents had died. Like I didn’t have anybody to tell me, like to ask me to proper questions in terms of why I was getting into a serious relationship at the time. And it wasn’t until I grew up in the relationship and matured in the relationship that I started to realize that this person wasn’t growing, that this person wasn’t holding our own weight, that they were kind of stagnant.

And so it was like, Oh, why don’t you go to school? Why don’t you work here? Why don’t you do this? Why don’t you do that? And it took years for me to realize that I was trying to fix something that wasn’t my job to fix, but I was in it and I was committed to it. And it, I thought, you know, being a good wife as being the, you know, coming over your shoulder and being like, come on, let me encourage you to be better.

Twan: But see your situation is different from a lot of situations because you were actually married to him. So you were supposed to what better for your husband? You are supposed to Want him to work harder, you know, usable with the, want him to carry his part. That is totally understandable. I don’t even think that’s a demon. Like that’s, that’s a, a, a wife wants to use her husband to be not only supportive of her financially and physically, but want more for himself and see more for himself. That’s that’s not that there’s nothing wrong with that at all.

Justice: That’s true. But I think what she means, but is to the detriment of her at that point in time. And also, unfortunately it starts prior to that. Its not like she just kind of started with the marriage. I’m pretty sure when she was dating him and a lot of women do this, a lot of men do this as well. Once they get to the point where it’s a little bit more serious, they feel like, okay, I can help them to be better. And that’s, to me signals some issues at that point because they’re already seeing something wrong with them. They’re not just seeing them for them. Right.

Phoenix: Well I think for me, it’s also an issue of time, right? This is why we try to, you know, suggest that people take a little time because we got together. So like October 1st we got together and December 14th he proposed

Twan: Whoa, time out time out of the time. And what did you do? Today man? Is he the, what did you do to that man? He has attachment issues.

Phoenix: So we were friends for a couple years first. And so we got together and I think, you know, I was a real, but he was a very much someone who dated a lot of women and I was very understanding. So when I came up on the scene, I was like, okay, it’s October 1st, you got to the end of the month to get rid of everybody that you was talking to you and whatever you were doing with them, how long have you got to do it? I’m going to want to know about it. So I think that he felt understood. He felt, I don’t know the fact that we had a good friendship prior to being together and it probably didn’t help that we would together every single day, every single night. But I think we had some layers.

Right. You know, you guys both know me personally. So you know, like I met him through an ex boyfriend and they were friends and the ex boyfriend and I fell out. Then they fell out, nothing to do with us, but for separate issues. And then over time, because we maintained our friendship, we then developed something more than friendship. So I think that we have been through some things together. We had seen each other through some dark times as friends. And so we kinda, for me, my part, I was basically saying I wasn’t going to date him at all, unless it was going to be something that was going to be more than just dating because we are going to hurt a lot of people in the process.

So I was, I held off a while. He was telling me he was in love with me for months before I was like, let me see what this is about. So I think we kinda got in it with the understanding that this is going to be a long-term commitment, you know, but even though he proposed to me, two months later, we stayed engaged for four years. I also think that we operated from the fiance standpoint for four years. So I think that if we actually dated and operated from boyfriend, girlfriend, I have that we might not have gotten married or we might not have had some of the issues we had in our marriage because we would’ve taken our time to look at what it was that we were dealing with.

Justice: I think unfortunately, a lot of people kind of … and I am kind of biased because I’ve run into a lot of these feeds these people. Unfortunately I did not continue on with the MySpace Facebook, Twitter page. I did jump on the apps and you will find a lot of people that use it. It’s like therapy and looking for people to actually better for them and get to the come up. Instead of I can understand you not necessarily idolizing, but being inspired by the person that you’re dating and like, okay, I want to do better for them. But that is something that you would have to, or I feel should come from inside. You like, if you say to me, I want to do this.

I want to be better at this. I want to look better. I want to do that. I have no problem in helping you, but I’m not going to just go out and be like, you need to change your sister’s and this, and this is about you because I don’t have time for that. There’s really no reason for me to be doing all of that. If we don’t need to be in each other’s lives, if that’s the type of thing that needs to be going on, I don’t think a lot of women understand, and it may come with age or just maybe come with just education that you don’t have to say yes to the first guy that is with you. It’s kind of feeling like a lot of women. I don’t, I’m probably going to get flack for this, but I’m going to be honest, then that choose me mindset.

Yeah. That makes sense. And it’s some guys out there is a lot of guys up there, like they’re too, Because they’ll do that for us. But it seems to be, they see the flags and somebody did a very good post on this. I believe it was on Tik ToK. Why do you accept that type of stuff? It can be if you went to Walmart and you were looking for batteries on Walmart, didn’t have the batteries. You go to another store, you go to target. Target was like, we don’t like your type of batteries. And it looks like the fun and you would leave. But for some reason, in the situations in dating, you’ll put up with a lot more from these people. And I I’ve found that that analogy was to just kind of hit home because I was like, Oh yeah, I feel you on that. Okay. You have to be on that.

Phoenix: I mean, do you think it has to do with women being taught that like marriage is the end all be all. Like we, we have to partner with someone and if we don’t find any want to marry us, then we’re not a valuable yeah.

Twan: When you flipped my book on this one. Yeah. They might come back to you for that one. Yeah. I feel like man, the whole pick me thing is, you know, I think everybody wants to be chose. I don’t think that’s something that is limited too. You know, gender… we all. I think we all wants to be desired, you know, by someone, some people wants to be desired by multiple people.

Phoenix: What is it that you see as a pick me,

Twan: I don’t see it as pick me… I see women that want what they want. And when I, when I see someone or a man or a woman describe a, a woman is for example, as a pick me like, okay, this woman is describing what usually describing what she would do to make our partner happy. And the technology and an app that’s really based on people looking for what makes them happy. And you know, she’s talking about what she can offer her partner, what she brings to her partner. And that’s not something that’s talked about enough. Like I say, I tweet this at least once a month, you know, I will tweet. Absolutely. I see a lot of people talking about what they want and a partner, but I don’t see a lot of people talking about what they can be too a partner.

And that out of like, that’s what worries me when people do come on my dms and you know what to do, I’ll watch out for that specific type of interaction on my timeline. Because if you’re a person that’s always talking about what you want, what you want. I see that relationship is going to be…. And they are not really interested in one side of relationships, no more how to sign that. Today asked me to entertain those anymore.

Phoenix: So Jess, what are you see as a pick me?

Justice: I agree with Twan on the fact that everybody wants to be chosen. Everybody wants to be desired. And I completely wholeheartedly agree with that. It is the over exertion to the point again, of your detriment that you’re just like, pick me, pick me, pick me is what I’m talking about. Like the over acted over doing everything the most, being extra when it comes to that specific characteristic and trait behavior and influence thinking. That’s the only thing that you have of value. If you are not chosen necessarily. I believe everybody goes through those times where you’re just like, okay, well I’m this, I’m this old.

And I still am not married or in a serious relationship. It’s like, what’s wrong with me. Everybody has that point. If you’ve gotten to that point in your life, or I keep running into these bad relationships, what the hell is wrong with me? Are we, you know, what am I doing wrong and stuff like that. But that’s introspection that you are doing to be able to go, like, how can I get better if you’re just going like, okay, my legs just fell off, but I still need him to pick me. And I just need to continue to be on our own. I just need her to pick me and continue to roll with this gangrene. And you know, that’s fine. Its just like, come no, no, come on. That’s that’s what I mean by to pick me. I mean, seems for me, I don’t have a problem with people saying whatever it is, whoever they are and whatever they can offer a partner or if people speak up for the sex Because I see a lot of women being attacked as picked me is just because they say something that seems to be in favor of men.

Phoenix: However, like for me, like if, if my mind and I usually, I very rarely will you ever see me actually come out and call somebody to pick me. Because like, I’m just not here for that. But when I think it Because, I do be thinking it some time to be like, God, come on with this bullshit.

Twan: I I’ve never like it. I feel the same way with men. Because like, there’s the certain men on Twitter that I will not follow because they pander all day long. And I’m like, I know you only saying this because you want to attend to for women and I’m not going to really call you a pick me Because this is not me. But I see exactly what you’re doing. And yeah, I only know it because at some point of time I was a fucking slimeball like, you know,

Phoenix: I feel like the whole pick me when I look at somebody and I say, this is a pick me is not really the person who is saying who they are or what they do is the person who does it in a manner of like, they are better Because they do it. So like, you know, I know that yo, if you can’t cook, if you can’t clean, I don’t know how you going to keep a husband and I’ll be the first one to be like, well, I did it for 15 years and I hired somebody to clean and I don’t really cook. You know what I’m saying is like trying to make yourself like whatever you proud of about yourself is great. Put it out there.

That’s what you want to advertise on what you bring to the table. But if you want to do it in comparison to what somebody else can and cannot do, and I’m just like, it don’t work like that for everybody

Twan: I’m…. I’m going to have to … Because, you know, there’s certain characteristics. I think maybe I should just have, and if they don’t have it, I look at them as less than well, I’m sorry, if you don’t know how to change a tire or changed the breaks on your car, like not even just doesn’t have to do anything you do with a woman. You don’t know how it changed the tire on your car, you and all the changes, the breaks on your car. If you don’t know how to maintain your life without having to spend a lot of the abundance amount, unless you just got it like that. Where are you just flowing with cash cast. Yeah, but you should have some skills. And if you don’t have any of these skills I am done to deem you is, and it’s like, okay, this is a sucker.

Phoenix: What it is deeming me as less than because. I’d be like, I know how to follow her instructions and I can follow a recipe, but I don’t cook like that.

Twan: I see. I see it on Twitter all the time. I tell you the tire, like if you don’t get out of the women business and go to change some tires or something, bro, bye.

I’m more of a nod. Like you might as well just take yourself out to eat with their money or something. I’ll do it myself was going to ask you to take me like a hour to do it for one hour, an hour of my time. Really that’s literally how long was at the same time.

Phoenix: So that’s, that’s a skill and that’s something that you have a whatever, but in my perspective that there’s something that somebody else brings to the table that you don’t. So maybe that person doesn’t know how to change a tire, but maybe there’s something else that’s not there that someone else will find. Interesting. So for me, I’m just like, it just finds your audience. Not necessarily because you do X, Y and Z, that you are better than anybody.

Twan: A lot of people do not cater to the audience, find joy. A lot of people do not cater to their audience at all. They try to go and or above their heads.

Justice: And then to me again, that’s, that is what falls into the pygmy category. That’s just like, you’re going on above and beyond again to your detriment. Like you said, you’re not even looking at if this person is even for you, it’s just like, you would just rather have the attention of that. Somebody actually chose you.

Yeah. Just, you know, no real merit behind it. Other than someone likes to me, you know, women, you know, supporting of the men or women supporting women, men supporting men, whatever. That’s not a pick me in my, in my eyes. Like you have to go the extra, like beyond the extra mile to me. Yeah.

Twan: You got to be obsessive with it. And he, you know, some people are really, really excessive.

Justice: Okay. So what I’m going to do is give a So I asked, I took a poll and I also talked to some people and I got some comments of folks that actually answered after I had a show them the post. So show them the post in like, Ooh, that’s deep. No one has a completely together between jobs, money, career, maybe kids from our previous relationships, baggage, a trauma from childhood past relationships are other accounters, et cetera. I think relationships and partnerships that require honesty above said demons. But I don’t think that having demons or issue means that you shouldn’t date or be in a relationship. I think the only real issue occurs when that person is in denial and not working through it.

Probably it. Yeah, it is. Yeah. It is like the denial itself as a demon, like the refusal to acknowledge the truth. So on and off that’s detrimental.

Phoenix: I think it’s funny. Like what if this girl like really does posted this thing because like somebody was inconsistent and then call back or something.

Justice:… but still is a topic that needs to be talked about. Because I think in this hookup, like fast food culture, it has to be said, it’s just something that people don’t talk about. So even if it is just on social media, I’m glad it was brought up.

Phoenix: I feel like in dating, you should feel very comfortable with addressing what the issue is. Because I feel like as women, we get frustrated dating someone who has a quote unquote demons or whatever it is that they’re fighting against that. Or I think the problem is is that the person isn’t really fighting against it.

So we’re calling it a demon. And we’re saying that like, you need to overcome this or you need to like lose this, but the person more than likely doesn’t recognize it as a demon and is just like, this is how I am.

Justice: Sometimes I believe that. And I’ve seen it. I can wholeheartedly agree with that, but we both know that a lot of people do see some of this stuff. They recognize it, but either they’re projected out on somebody else or back to the denial thing, So,

Phoenix: Because, I’m not going to be the partner to help you work out your inconsistency. What would that, if that’s the, what do you mean? Like, I feel like in dating, like I don’t have to get fresh. I mean, I’m going to get frustrated initially, but like when I recognized it, like, awe, come on.

But like once I recognize that you are inconsistent for me, I’m just like, all right, well, you know that, that dating period is done. Yeah. I’m not going to continue to do that because I see it. Like, I don’t think I’m really worried about whether you should be dating because you’re inconsistent. I’m just like, you shouldn’t be dating me as soon as that makes sense. Okay. Let me, let me get through these, these next ones. I think you guys might like this one.

Justice: Okay. So the next one that says to say, they have to have their shit together is reaching. Nobody has a life together, but don’t come into my life. If you’re fighting demons, I can handle fighting the foot soldiers, but not the actual demons.

Phoenix: What does that even mean?

Twan: First of all, man, you gotta understand those demons are for whoever to fight for him to fight. So. I mean, coming up, coming up with a wrong idea of thinking that he got to fight demons, that he got his own name as the battle. Is there a foot soldier to the battle? Don’t worry about nobody else.

Justice: He was like, I’m not trying to get to your inbox. Just not yet. Oh, this is hilarious. Somewhat. I’m tired. If this one, if this last dude doesn’t work, I’m it. I want to deal with that. I feel you. I don’t want to deal with your demons.  You mean your mental issues? None of that I’ve nurtured care for people since I was a fucking teenager. If you crazy take that as well?

Phoenix: Yes. That’s it that’s a statement. Yes, absolutely. I feel like you said it, it’s completely where you were on that. No, I’ve dealt with people with depression for so many years. That is the first sign of depression. And this is not against anybody who suffers from depression. I will wholeheartedly support you as a friend, but to date, you know, the first signs I see a depression. I’m just like, I’m sorry. I’m I’ve done that already and not doing it again.

Twan: Yeah. Yeah. I’ve done that to, you know, Because this is recorded. I am not going to elaborate my experience with it. I’m just going to say it is a lot of work, man. It is a whole lot of work, so it’s a constant uphill battle.

Justice: Okay. So this one agrees with you on that one. Phoenix his thing. You might just meet your help mate. That can help you conquer some of those demons. So it doesn’t necessarily mean that it will be and they capitalize help mate. It doesn’t necessarily mean that you will be dating, but it could be somebody that could help you in reaching that other side of the issue.

Phoenix: But you got to be open. Like my thing is, is Because. Then when you started to talk about like, is this a demon that I’m recognizing is someone who’s dating you? Or this is something that is present. Like, you know, you know that this is your problem. You are trying to fight it and you try to work on it. And you’re sharing because a lot of people don’t share with honesty when you start dating.

So sometimes those demons you gotta kind of like to figure out and be like, Oh, I think this is what’s wrong with them.

Justice: Yeah. The next person says, Oh, I can very much agree. It’s not even fair to the other person if you’re battling internally, because unfortunately it will spill over into the relationship. We have to be great for ourselves in order to be great and give, beat, being great to the other person as well. They likened it to basically kind of like, you know, the masks on a airplane. Like I can’t help myself if I, if, I mean, I can’t help you if I can’t help myself at that point. And the same thing with the drowning person, like if they’re flailing there going to bring both of us down, I need you to be in a workable level and then we can both get up or we can both grow or something like that.

Twan: Imma give you an analogy that I had? And I think that I’ve spoken to P about before, where I was explaining to this person, I was like, you know, this is the relationship of the car is the relationship. And I’m the passenger a year driving. And right now your driving in rage in all of these issues on the way so that you can’t really see the road. So I’m asking you to pull over before you crashed the car with both of us in it. I can’t afford for you to do that because I got other lives that at depend on me. So I’m going to jump out of this car, let you crash by yourself and… kill yourself.

Like I’m like, yo, listen, I’m trying to save us both. And you’re the timing, the drivers off the cliff. In fact, instead of listening to me, you match the gas. You know what? I can’t, I can’t go down there, which I can’t drive off this cliff with you. I ain’t, I ain’t got no pair of shoes. Oh man. You know, I’m not crash proof. I’m not none of that. I got to get out of this car.

Justice: That reminds me of the Kevin Hart joke.

Twan:  We ain’t married this ain’t no death do us part. Part of it looks up out of his car. And imma watch you fly right over the side of the cliff. Oh man. Damn oh man.

No, no, no. Because, that’s a spiral down. Its not like driving a flat lay straight down. That’s where it’s like, this is normal, normal, normal Clif straight to hell. Hey, listen to me is when I tell you those types of relationships are it takes everything out of you. It takes everything out to you, man. Like it took me a long time that even get back in the, in the film and I’m trying to get to know someone emotionally after that relationship, I didn’t really care to be like I was, I had my family.

I’m extremely emotional with around them. So I don’t really want to invite. I didn’t really want to invite you in for a long time. I didn’t care to look at you.

Justice: Well I can understand. Yeah. That’s that’s understandable. The next person, their point was a totally disagree dating as a… with everything else is about growing, learning, what you can or what you refuse to deal with and fighting while, figuring out what type of people are worth. The bullshit is what it’s about. And I, when they said that, I was like, I, I understand, but I still don’t know if that’s a dual, I want to be in. I don’t really completely understand what they’re saying. So basically what they’re saying in dating. It’s about growing and you learn what can and cannot deal with kind of like, you know, you don’t know what type of job that you really, really want to get out there into the job market.

Right. Even though, you know, you think to yourself, Oh, I would love to do this. You get into it. You don’t like it. So that’s basically what they’re saying is, is then you can figure out what type of people are worth the bullshit worth fighting for. But I don’t know some shit. I don’t know how to just like, yay.

Phoenix: Like if you were a coke head, I mean that isn’t good for somebody. It ain’t…

Justice: Jesus. She’s not a crack head, but a Coke head… it’s… alright. And then they got an expensive habit. Okay. It aint for me.

Phoenix: Cause you know, like the homie with the money will think like, yo, I’ve got money. So like, you know, you go and deal with these habits because I got money and I’m going to spend this money on You and I’m just like, know if that’s your habit now?

Because you know, that leads to other kinds of the behavior that I’m like, nah, I’m not good with it. I get it. I get it. Some shit ain’t gonna work. No that’s not going to work. And if you were a crack head, no, that’s not going to work for me. I can’t this. I mean, I hear what they say. Yeah. You want to grow and you want to figure out. But see my thing is if you are a lot of people when they date and it’s like, they, they hold back and I get that. You can’t jump out the window and like pull everything that’s in you on somebody. However, like if you are not doing like you, you’re not taking her out or I don’t know, cooking her dinner or whatever. If you feel like you got to wait to see, you have some emotional attachment or you figured out if she’s quote unquote worth the bullshit. I feel like the time you’re trying to figure it out, like she’s out. Cause you haven’t done all the things that would keep her present. So then by the time you figure it out, she’s worth it. She feels like you’ve treated her. Like she’s not. And she’s out. Like how do you, you know what I’m saying? Like, I don’t know. I don’t get what they’re saying.

Cause I’m just like, eh, grow and you figure it out. But that has to be some type of balanced. Some stuff upfront is just like, no, you’re not going to grow.

Justice: Okay. So this, the next one is a bit long, but okay, I’ll get into it. Okay. So there’s goes well. Yes and no. The thing is, I’m more of a believer in a higher power. And I also believe you can do anything you put your mind to Life is simpler than the humans make it. A lot of times, things happen in our mind that do not reflect reality. Meaning some people are just stuck in their own heads with everything. With all that being said, you need to work on yourself and be complete in yourself before you get with someone else or you might break them in the process.

Another thing is being with someone who will ride the storms with you, they will help you if you left them another, another one being with someone equally yoked. If the person is not have the same spiritual level of you, it may not work either. And lastly, we have the power to unlearn this selfish… self-imposed hurt maybe from childhood and experienced, fail relationship partners, family, whatever. It should not define how you should move forward and heal self-awareness and assessment is key.

Phoenix: There was a lot of good stuff and a lot of bullshit in there too. I don’t know. Who’s who’s complete when they meet somebody like what’s complete. What’s the definition of complete how, you know, you complete well in life. Yeah. Like what’s that?

Justice: Well, I think a lot of the times when they’re saying that you’re a complete, like most people will come up and be like, well, I have this whole missing in my life or I have this void that I can sit in the field, that type of stuff. And we talked about that a little bit earlier. A lot of that can be dealt with, from, you know, past trauma relationships and things like that. And if you’re coming into a relationship with that, if you can, and I believe what they were saying is if you have the awareness of it and you can, you know, speak on that to the person and allow them to make a decision on whether or not they want to be with you.

I think that’s great. You’re in a better place than what you really believe you are. But I think what they said on, you know, some of the stuff that’s in your mind, like we, we make stuff a little bit more harder than what we, what it needs to be is just going. Like, I just need them to fix me and that’s it. Right.

Phoenix: I definitely do believe that is a lot of the stuff that we can’t let go of is self-imposed that like, we feel it for him. Well, you know my role of the Friday plan tomorrow. Right? Cause I’m just not, I’m not going to make it up. I’m not going to force myself to be more attached to something. And I really should. So like I get a moment to go through all the emotions that I feel about something.

And after that, you know, it’s time to work, to move forward. So I mean, we’re kind of the gate had to get some of the things that the same, but that whole like complete thing. I don’t know. I don’t, I don’t know anybody. Who’s able to just be like, yeah, I’m complete. And I feel like there’s nothing wrong with people feeling as though there’s a void. Like they want to be loved. I feel like as people we’re designed to love each other. And so when that is absent from our life, I feel like, of course you feel a void because you are designed to love other people, your design to be loved by other people. So yeah. It’s gonna feel like a void …Do… Does that mean that you pick up the first person who can feel it. No, but I mean like if a void is there, it’s there. That’s why you’re dating somebody. But the next two is that why your dating, what’s the point of dating? Like why are you dating? I guess?

Twan: Oh no, I don’t. I don’t date people to fill a void at all. Like, and I don’t want some one date cause they’re filling a void like that. That that’s not something I agree with at all.

Phoenix: Well, if I don’t feel a void, I don’t need anything extra. I’m good. I’m like, but I’m good. Like I don’t, I don’t like, I’m not going to go seek out, dating someone. I’m not going to be like, Oh, you know, I want to date or I’m going to have a relationship or whatever it is, whatever stage I’m in. If I feel totally complete and there’s no void, then there’s no need to have anything extra. There’s no need for you. I mean, yeah.

Justice: I can’t see dating to fill the void.

Phoenix: I feel like there is a void. There’s a void of connection. There’s a void of, you want to be connected to someone you want to deal with someone that is a void in itself. It doesn’t have to be deep and you know, real philosophical about it. But it is in the sense it is a void. It’s something that you want to do to fill the space. That’s a great on that.

Twan: A lot less for like five minutes.

Phoenix: Oh, of course nobody says is this is a permanent void. Like right now is like, yo, I want to, you know, I want to have an experience. Okay. Well, you know, it’s an empty spot. So go had the experience and feel the spot. And then, you know, the spot is filled and to move on.

Twan: I don’t necessarily view it as dating to fill a void because there’s nothing that I’m trying to steal because I’m already hold a part. I fully believe that we all come home and there are parts of us that are a missing part of us that we probably have forgotten. But there are more parts of us that are missing for a moment. And there’s nothing that without you, I won’t have, and it sounds bad for the people that sounds bad. It’s the one thing you hear that it’s like, how would you say that? ’cause, it’s the truth of when you’re not here, I am still whole.

It’s the strangest feature of life in the whole entire world. But understanding death has helped me understand life so much more because you move the most important person in the world. You understand from that for the nothing is forever. Everything to rent, to be live, going to go. Why not? Why are you have it? Because it’s not going to last them for a lot of people is not going to last for a long time.

Phoenix: I just feel like, and maybe void is the wrong word because it’s not necessarily emptiness, which I’m not saying you’re empty, but I’m just saying that you want something that you don’t necessarily have Because if you have it why do you want it?

That’s a different topic That could just be your inability. You’ll be content, but okay.

Twan: You also want more. I guess I never heard what I wanted to have sex. One time. I didn’t never have sex with you. I’ve never heard it on my life.

Phoenix: Right? So you need a refill. And that’s what I’m saying is that it’s a refill. It’s it’s not when you have sex and you’d be like, I want to have sex again. You’re not currently having sex, right? So are you looking for the refill? So there is still a slot is something that’s not happening that you want to happen

Justice: You heard yourself, you are complete. We all need you to break. I love this one. If you think your damage in the way that the posts implies you shouldn’t really rely on finding love to fix you. If you can be happy with yourself, you’ll never be happy with anybody fully, depending on them for your happiness is going to be a bigger problem. Just waiting to happen. What if they get tired of fixing? You didn’t want to leave for their own wellbeing. Now you were a suffering more than when you came in, set up, looking for love and look for a friendship to help get yourself together. Love for them.

Twan: I agree with everything that would be, I mean…

Phoenix: Ya I agree, but I feel like what are these demons that we talking about? Because I just feel like the identification of demons.

Justice: Well, okay. Let’s let’s go ahead and get that out the way. I guess we should of done it in the beginning, but I thought it was implied. If you having demons, this is something that you are fighting to your ability and losing to the point where you are not functioning, like a quote unquote upstanding person, but you are looking for somebody to help you with that in your dating, by just dating saying, okay. Yeah. I like to steal cars on the weekends, but I only on the weekends. Can you help me with that?

No, that’s what’s the help? Like, can you help me stop? Yeah, but if I’m hanging with you, I want to be selling on the weekend. You say what I’m saying? Please date me…..

I love this one. This is the last one I’m going to, but I love it. They all have valid points, but you can’t heal by using a relapse, a romantic relationship as a crutch. That’s like drinking to stop drinking, drinking vodka to stop drinking Hennessy.

It’s still going to be a problem. Just not the same one. Okay. They show that to my me. I love that one. I was like that, that that’s the main one. I was like, I loved that. I love this in the…

Phoenix: I’m going to have to pass that off in a text message to someone.

Justice: Drinking vodka to stop drinking Hennessy is still a problem. Just not to say…

Phoenix: I legit know that. Like motherfucker said I ain’t drinking hard liquor no more, I’m just drinking wine. I’m like, what you killing three bottles though.

Justice: But I wanted to say, yeah, but we can, you know, wrap it up with it. And I want to thank both of you for coming on for this kind of like this little BONUS EPISODE episode. Because this is to get people into wanting to, you know, subscribe through the Patreon. So I’m going to put this out there for them and then come and subscribe to the Patreon and get the rest of the others, you know, great and wonderful episodes that me and Phoenix have done and will continue to do. And we’ll get some more people like Twan on here. I mean, you, you are very much welcome to come back whenever you would like this is a, I, I actually very much enjoyed this conversation.


Liked it? Take a second to support Phoenix Ash on Patreon!
Become a patron at Patreon!

More from this show

Recent posts

Life As P...Episode 281