Boundaries or Disappointment

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life as p
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Phoenix Ash
Boundaries or Disappointment

When everything is changing around you, whether this be a new job or a new partner, it can be easy to let your guard down and lower your standard. So how do you keep your expectations high, so you can avoid future disappointment? Listen in to hear how Phoenix has found the confidence to stay true to who she is by holding strong to her boundaries.

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Phoenix Ash: Instagram | Twitter | LinkedIn
Savage Fever
Touch Me First
In Her MakeUp
Soiled Sheets
Cookies & Crumbles


Phoenix: Hey, welcome back to Life as P. I say back, if you’re a repeat listener, cause a lot of y’all be sticking with me. I really love that. Anyway, I’m your host, Phoenix Ash. They call me P this is all about my life, my evolution, my journey through becoming an author, which I am now.

I’ve always been a writer, but I’m an author now I have several books published. My most recent is Savage Fever, which I’m very proud of. It’s the first in a series. So please check that out on Amazon or Kindle. I also talk about what it’s like to be a single mom, which wasn’t always my story. When I first started this, I was a married mom. Now life look real different, but that’s, you know, the changes that I’m going through. Maybe you can relate. Maybe you can’t. I don’t know, but if you’ve been here before, if you’re new here, I thank you for joining me. I appreciate you giving us the shot. If you’ve joined me before, you know that I have come to a pattern of thinking about what.

Have been the themes being referenced and it in my life over and over for like the past few days, like, what am I seeing? What messages am I receiving? What things I need to take into account, what, how I need to move forward. And I started to think about boundaries, particularly with, you know, being new to the dating scene and then going through changes at work and, you know, just everything being shifted.

Of course with COVID out there. There’s just a lot of changes, a lot of adjustments, you know, people redesigning how things work and, and redesigning relationships. And I’m not just talking about intimate relationships, obviously. I mean, just redesigning how we connect with each other. And I am, you know, very aware of what could be my flaws sometimes in some situations as a flaw in other situations, it’s, you know, my gift, it’s an asset, but my expectations of other people, you know, at work, particularly, you know, during my day job, I’ve been disappointed in an awful lot. But when I think about why I’ve been disappointed, it’s not just my expectations. It’s not that I have this high standard that I’m holding myself to. And I would like people that I work with or that are in my life to it’d be accountable and hold themselves to a higher standard. But I think a lot of the disappointment when I’m facing it is because. I guess to some degree, I’m not holding strong to my boundaries.

You know, there are areas where I’m like, well, you know, I’m making allowances for people who were new or for people who are learning. And so what it’s taken them nine months to learn something that should’ve taken two weeks, but, you know, just really just relaxing the boundaries and. You know, things that I wouldn’t normally excuse or normally say it’s okay.

You know, trying to be more sensitive or trying to be more compassionate because, you know, at times I can be, you know, a jerk. I am starting to get more comfortable with being a jerk. I feel like that might’ve been working better for me, but, you know, just. Relaxing the boundaries. I feel like, you know, if you want to be more sensitive or more compassionate to someone due to this situation, that’s cool.

But I feel like you need to, or at least I need to think it out some because when I do relax the boundaries, I feel like I kind of get stomped on. When I say, you know, this is where I cut it off at, this is what I’ll accept. And then somebody pushes the envelope a little bit and I’m like, okay, fine. It’s that “okay, fine” that’s taking me out. Yeah, it’s killing me because I do it, you know, for one, you know, I had a situation, I was working with someone and you know, I’m very direct about what the instructions are. This is how you need to do it. It needs to look exactly like this. It needs to appear as though this message is coming from the same person.

Every time we send it, whatever, all these things, and this is, this is what the standard is. And so the person, you know, did the job and, you know, there was some slight differences and it was like, okay, maybe I don’t need to be so hard up about these differences and sure enough, a couple of days later, you know, the people on the receiving end of the message was like some of the information appears to be incorrect we’re checking these different sites it’s not uploaded correctly. It’s this, this, this. And so I feel like because I’m responsible for this particular project. I feel like kicking my own self in the behind because I’m like, gosh, like you’ve relaxed the standard and it didn’t help you any, like you got bitten the ass. Like I was trying to be, you know, more understanding of who people are as people like, be more understanding of your individualism and trying to accept, excuse me, if you hear me walking around, I’m trying to cook, but making Turkey wings, you know I love some turkey wings….but you know, it’s relaxing the standard, trying to appreciate the individualism of someone is all good and fun until it bites you in the ass.

And, you know, same thing for like dating and relationships, you know, you’re like, You know, I have this, like, you know, you don’t have a certain number of touches within a week. And I don’t mean physical touches, but like, you know, the good mornings, the goodnights, the hello, how are you? How was your day? You don’t have enough of those in a week, you know?

Chances are that the person that you’re talking to is not as interested as you are. And I love the excuse of, I just don’t have time, listen, if you don’t have time to communicate with the person that you think you’re interested in, you probably should not be dating. You know, and that’s not just like to say it out there to people who claim they’re interested in me, but that’s also for me because there’s a lot of stuff of that. I don’t have time for, you know, I’m doing these podcasts, I’m writing these books or trying to write these books. I’m in a slump right now, but I’m trying to get the content out. I’m trying to raise my daughter.

I’m trying to keep her happy. I’m trying to manage the relationship between her father and I’s so that we don’t look like ready to kill each other, every time we around each other. That takes a lot out of me. It’s a lot of work and you know, I don’t always have, I will always have the time to say good morning or good night.

Like, that’s my basics. I will always have the time to say that, but I may not have the time to have a whole conversation. So if you contact me in the middle of the day, it may seem like I’m ignoring you, but I’m not. Because I just got a lot going on or, you know, if it’s around, you know, the hours in which I feed my daughter dinner and put her to bed, you know, it may seem like I’m not responsive.

I am. Later, but you know, it’s relaxing the standard. Like if you are somebody who needs to talk to someone all day, every day, and I don’t meet that standard, like, don’t relax it for me because you just go and resent me. You just going to get annoyed. You’re going to see his social media posts. You ain’t going to know that some of those things be planned.

You just not going know and you’re going to be disappointed and it’s going to hurt your feelings. And the same thing goes for myself when I’m in a work situation and I’m saying that this is the standard desires follow. The standard has been created because I know the consequences on the other end. I know who the client is. I know, you know, the people that we’re working with, our stakeholders, I know their personalities. I know what it is that will confuse them. Right. Or frustrate them and I’m trying to mitigate these issues upfront. So I create this standard, but trying to understand that, you know, I’m dealing with individuals who are, you know, putting their time and their energy into the work.

And I don’t want to beat you up so bad that it gets you in a place where you don’t want and did it work at all and then really give me some half-ass stuff. So I’m just trying to like work that out. And, and honestly, I don’t know the clear line. I don’t, I’m still trying to figure it out for myself in many situations, because I just know that the relaxing of the standard is bite me in the ass.

You know, if I say, this is what I want, or this is what I’m willing to deal with, or this is what I’m not willing to deal with. And because you have a certain kind of charm or because I’m understanding your individual situation, you know, I kind of ease back a little bit only to come to a situation where I’m kicking myself in the ass and I’m just like, why didn’t I just stick to what it was that I said.

Why is really, you know, messing with me that I think I’m being more compassionate when I’m really doing myself a disservice by relaxing the standard and blurring the lines of boundaries. It’s not working for me. And I don’t know if it’s, if it’s ever worked for anyone. Honestly, I feel like as a woman, I’m more inclined.

To do that because it’s just expected of me, I guess, or, you know, the whole stigma of black bitch, you know, trying to scale that back a little bit. And I don’t want to appear this way and I don’t want to come off too hard or I’m going to come up with too rough or too abrupt. And at the end of the day, it’s like, but I’m going to come up as failing.

In my own eyes. It’s not even in someone else’s in my own eyes when that stuff, you know, comes back and I’m like, damn, I should have just stuck to what I know, because I know it for a reason, those things, things are in place. My boundaries, my standards, all of that is in place for a reason it’s from experience.

So you’ve had experience that has created these lines. And you want people to color within the lines for you. And there’s always someone who’s going to tell you that, you know, I’m different or, you know, I’m not the same as everyone else you’ve come across. And you know, to some degree, that’s true. You’re not the same employee.

That’s come through my doors. You’re not the same man that I’ve dated or was married to you. Not, you know, that’s not the same, however, however it doesn’t mean that you won’t exhibit the same behavior. And when I say I see signs of that and flags of it, you know, instead of being convinced that you are so individual that you just so yourself.

And I need to relax what I know or what I’ve come to know in order to fit you as an individual, only for you to turn around and do the same stuff that got these boundaries standards put in place in, you know, in the first place. So I’m just learning to stick to. And sometimes, yes, my standard of boundaries, like I feel I have to revisit them every now and again too. Does this still hold true for me? Because I am also leery of holding on to things that may have been true for me in my twenties that I never let go of or never revisited. And it’s not necessarily my reality now, so I don’t even have to use it as a measuring stick right now.

Not to say, I won’t ever use that tool another way, but I’m a firm believer in the tools that we keep for life also morph into other tools. Yeah. And we can reapply them in different areas of our life. The tool doesn’t necessarily mean that we’re going to keep having that same situation where the tool needs used to be used that sometimes that tool needs to be taken out and put in a different situation because the other situations are dead and gone. They’re not coming back. They’re done. You’re done with that part of your life is not happening again, but I know that when I come to a realization of what I need to do for myself in order to succeed in any area of my life, that allowing somebody to convince me that they have this element of difference. That needs me to chill for a second. It ain’t working is biting me in the ass and filling my life with more disappointment than I would like. Way more disappointment than I would like. And you know, I’m trying to cut the fat..

I’m trying to not be disappointed. I’m trying to live as many moments as I can joyously, which I think, you know, to some degree, I have to say I’m succeeded in that area. I feel like I laugh a lot now. I’m excited a lot now I’m much more relaxed. I’m moving swiftly. I’m having some clarity. I’m thinking through my day, I’m thinking through the things that I have to get done.

You know, I have weeks where I’m like, dang, I didn’t write as much as I wanted to but I did these other things. And that’s very exciting to me because it was a time in my life where I would have these things that I wanted to get done for myself and weeks and months would go by that they wouldn’t be done.

And a lot of that was me relying on someone else to fill the blank and do those things. And now that I am, you know, by myself, you know, of course I have my child, but you know, as an adult, now that I’m by myself and have to rely on myself. Things are getting done and things are getting done swiftly. And honestly, I could have been doing these things all along, but unfortunately it took, you know, me being single in order to recognize what I could do on my own and how to manifest the life that I wanted to lead.

Part of manifesting that life is recognizing the reason I have standards in place. The reason why I have these boundaries, I’ve drawn these lines and being confident enough, I don’t want to say strong enough because you, ain’t never going to get me to admit that I’m weak. Okay? But confident enough to uphold the boundary myself, because you know, those lines are only as strong yeah. As what’s backing them. So I have to enforce them. And sometimes it’s painful because it’s like, damn, you know, I really liked this person as an individual, but yeah. You’re not making the cut right here and it’s necessary for not just my survival, but our survival.

So I need to, you know, get a little stronger with the boundaries. It’s like it’s boundary or disappointment, like. You know, make up your mind. Because I’ve, you know, when I look over my life and in even talking to girlfriends and business partners, you know, no one’s ever said, you know, I’m glad I relaxed my boundaries.

I’m I’m glad I let somebody call outside my lines. I’m glad. No, no, I don’t have them conversations. You have them conversations, right. You glad that, you know, low would just standard. You glad that you chilled out and said, okay, for something that you knew you wasn’t totally comfortable with, you know, because I don’t have those conversations.

I don’t know of anybody who is happy or likes that… the result of that I should say. So I need to remember that when I’m trying to be quote unquote compassionate, there are other ways to show my compassion. There are other ways for me to be sympathetic or even empathetic. There’s other ways for me to show that other than, you know, erasing some of the lines that I’ve drawn.

So that is what has been coming to me over and over. I would say, not even just for the past week. I mean, I feel like, you know, signs, they overlapped since this, this was coming to me for a while, but you know, other things were stronger and, and more prevalent and needed to be brought to the surface. So I guess this is this term, right?

But something that I have to pay attention to. Um, you know, how many times, like I’ve been, I remember like buying a car and was just like, why the hell? Okay. I think in one thing and was just so sure, and then got excited and, and, you know, saw pretty colors and, you know, It was like, yo, I like the body style and all of that.

And then I walked out and was like, cool. And then a month later, when the car note was due, it was like not cool. Why did I go outside? It’s not that I can’t pay, but I got to hustle harder. I was just like, wait a minute, wait a minute. I just got accustomed to the hustle. Now I gotta hustle even harder. And that’s cause you know, I come in and I’m like, this is the number that I’m willing to pay and that’s it.

And they’d be like, Oh, it’s only a hundred dollars more, it’s only $50 more or whatever. And after they do taxes and all that stuff. And what about, do you want this package now, honey? I’m be like, listen, why didn’t keep the old car, go sit down and that’s binding contract. So that sucks. So I don’t know what’s going on in your life, but I felt like that that was something I wanted to share because I’ve also been kind of seeing it where it’s just like, you know, people sort of relaxing what they want from themselves. And I think, you know, going through COVID might have something to do with it. You know, mortality seems really prevalent right now. It’s like, we’re all facing it. We’re all scared of it.

We’re all… know somebody who knows somebody it’s scary. It’s scary. And when we think about, you know, our time on this earth and how much time we have left, you know, that can sometimes get you to think that, you know, I just want to be loved, or I just want to be liked, or I just want to get past today. And you know, that can cause you to like, Say, well, you know, I don’t think this standard or these boundaries needs to be in place.

Maybe they’re too harsh, but I’m sure gonna, you know, recognize that I’m also the frame of mind. Like what if I don’t die? What if I don’t die next year? Well, I have to live with any of this. What, what do I have to live with? I’m pretty hard on myself. So is this something I’m going to beat myself up over?

Cause I got to choose one. I either have to stick to what I have set in place or decide not to beat myself up over the result. Like I gotta pick one. I can’t do both. And so I’m not beating myself up. It’s a lot harder than sticking to the plan. So I’m gonna stick to the plan. That’s the one I’m gonna choose.

Because I’m trying to live in joy. I’m trying to be a joyous as much. Sorry to stop. And anyway, it was good with you. Like, is that something that you deal with? You know, let me know, hit me up in my inbox. I’m at Pwrites on Instagram at Pwrites on Twitter. I’m so appreciating all the conversation, particularly because we’ve going through COVID. So I love connecting with you guys. I appreciate the messages. What am I? Oh, I’m Phoenix Ash on Facebook, you know, check out my books, you know, I’ve, I’ve grown, I’ve done some things I’ve span across a couple of sub genres. And I think you will really like what I got going on Savage Fever is about to be a whole thing.

Okay. If you look at the reviews, Amazon understand. Why I’m so excited because I feel like I’m really executing what I had planned. Savage Fever is a series. It’s a book series. It’s a novelette series. So it’s, it’s shorter books. So if you’re pressed for time is great for you. Right? It’s drama is lust is nasty, is crazy. It is it’s everything. And it literally is like TV in a book. Literally. So don’t you don’t trust me. Yeah. Okay. I know I wrote it. Look at the reviews and stuff and you, whenever anybody gives me feedback on it, they’re like, yo, I was watching this. I was totally watching it. So yeah. You know, I love cinematic stuff.

Like yeah. If you just like it nasty Touch Me First as my erotica. So you can definitely pick up Touch Me First on Amazon. It’s available on paperback as well as on Kindle and all Kindle apps. Somebody just hit me up and said they just read Cookies and Crumbles. I so appreciate that. I dropped that last year.

It’s still one of my favorite books. So, you know, if you want to start with something, Cookies and Crumbles, that’s my jam. Can you leave me a review though? Kind of light on reviews. Yeah. The people who have reviewed it, you know, awesome feedback. I’m really appreciative. It is one of my favorite stories. So definitely check that out. My first novel In Her Makeup is available on Kindle, paperback on Amazon. It’s also available on audio books. So if you’re audio book listener, or a subscriber, like, yeah, check, check it out. If you want to start audible and you want to use it as your free book I’m with that, do that.

Anyway, I so appreciate you guys being here for me. Let me know if there’s any way that I could be there for you. Again, my inbox is always open. Yeah, let’s talk about it, what’s good? All right. And so until the next time where we could exchange power, peace!

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