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Chill On The Haste

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life as p
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Phoenix Ash

When going through a major transition in life, it can be easy to feel impatient for the desired outcome. You may question yourself or others for not being able to move things along at a faster pace. If this sounds like you, Phoenix has a message to share; Don’t be too hasty to judge because the process of change is different for everyone.

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Savage Fever
Touch Me First
Delectable
In Her MakeUp
Soiled Sheets
Cookies & Crumbles

*Intro*

Phoenix: Hey guys, what’s up? I’m your host P and this is Life As P, I’m Phoenix Ash my friends call me P. What’s up how y’all doing. I hope y’all enjoyed, If you had an extra day off and due to Labor Day, I hope you enjoy that. Got some relaxation, particularly if you’re an essential worker and you have to go out every day and you don’t have the luxury to work from home, where honestly, I could tell you from the few days that I get to work from home is not always a luxury.

Like sometimes it’s a straight pain in the behind. Sometimes I feel like I work harder when I’m working at home. I don’t know if I necessarily like that. Anyway, you know, I talked to you about my theme and things, that messages that have been coming to me over and over again over the past week or so, and honestly, quick tidbit, I feel like the message that has been coming to me over and over is don’t be too hasty when you are in transition and you’re looking to move your career, your family life, your love life, whatever you’re looking to have it become whatever you want it to become already. Like we all try to run away from process. I know I do. I’m always very irritated with myself when I can’t write a book fast enough, or I can’t write a chapter fast enough. I know the whole story. How come I can’t just sit down and just put it down all on paper and get to the end of it.

Or I know that that job belongs to me. Why they can’t just go ahead and give it to me. Why do I got to go through five, six, seven interviews when y’all know that I’m the most qualified, I’m the best candidate and you’re going to give me that job. And the same thing would be an in transition. I started the process of divorce. I was very anxious to get to the end of it. And now finding out there’s so much paperwork that I have to fill out before I see a judge or get kind of a final statement or judgement or anything I’m so anxious to get to the other side of it is no slight to anyone. It’s not that I’m like running at full speed away from anyone.

I just am trying to run at full speed towards myself towards the things that I want. Realigning my life. I’m looking at my house and I’m just like, okay, I’m tired of all this disarray. I want to start to organize things. I want to clean up. I want to, to become the person that I want to be. Rather than saying, Oh, I wish I was like that. I wish I was neater. I wish I was better at cleaning. I wish I was more organized. I’m really trying to implement things in my life that would make me so it’s processed though. And I know for some people who are neat and organized. Some of you guys may be like, what’d you talk about it, just get up, put the stuff where it’s supposed to be and call it a day.

But it’s really not that easy for someone who is a bit scatterbrained. If you listen to my podcast often enough that I can be scatterbrained, I can be all over the place. And sometimes my habits exemplify that. I’m trying to get better control of that. I just want to be in a better place. I feel like personally inside, there’s a lot of things that I’ve healed from, and I’m very, what’s the word… I don’t know, forward to the future I’m looking forward to all the great things that life has for me, because I’m very comfortable with all the great things that I’m pouring out into life. And so I’m very happy about being in that space. My daughter is having a much better time for all of you who have hit me up with concern. She’s having a much better time in school.

They’re not sending her home every week, but I did also change her school. So there’s that. But we both in a happier place, we just came off of a great weekend. We had a sleepover with her God-mom, it was just nice girls time. So just I’m in a really good place, but I want to get to a better place. So I’m just like organizing myself, getting everything together.

But what does this have to be with being too? What does this have to do with being too hasty? Well, sometimes I get down because. Things don’t happen. The transition isn’t happening fast enough. I am much more organized than I used to be. But when I look at it from afar, it still doesn’t look organized. I’m still much more tidy than I used to be. But when I look at it from afar, doesn’t look tidy. So. That sometimes puts a little damper on my spirit and I’m just like, gosh, why can’t I get it together? Simple things like I’m sitting outside today and I’m looking at my mailbox and I’m probably the only wooden mailbox on the strip. And my joint is old.

It was here before I got here, but it’s wood. So can you imagine through all the rain and when it snowed and all of that, like it looked chopped. So I’m finally, like, I need a new mailbox. It is crazy because so many years ago, my aunt came to me and was like, I think I’m gonna get you a new mailbox. She didn’t and at the time I was kind of offended, like what you mean? I need a new mailbox. Like, why are you worrying about my mailbox, such a small thing to pay attention to, but as I’m older and probably nearing the age that she was when she said it. Because she’s a younger aunt, but just looking at everything and just saying, okay, all right.

I see, like, that’s the first thing you see when you roll up to the house that maybe, maybe I do want a nicer mailbox, one that can withstand the weather. A little bit more. At one time, my ex husband backed into the drive, the garage. So the garage door has a big dent in it, that I think I’m going to kind of put on hold, cause I’m like, I don’t even want to know what that’s going to cost. I feel like it’s not going to be cheap to replace that, but eventually it’ll have to be.

I have a friend who suggested that I put everything down on the list and I decide. Each month, what I’m going to focus on. I think that’s a great idea. I just hope that friend helps me because once again, I’m scatterbrained and I’m all over the place and I’m really trying to implement order in my life. And the only way I truly know how is to reach out to the people in my life who are orderly and ask for their assistance. Which is kind of big for me, because for years I would take offense to anything that you told me that I was doing wrong, or that was out of order and not offense, like, I want to fight you, but like, it would hurt my feelings and I still would implement whatever it is that you told me. Except, obviously the mailbox. But it would hurt my feelings. And at this point where I am in my life, it does not hurt my feelings. I’m appreciative. And I want someone to guide me. I want you to come over and help me.

I have a friend who is like clean freak. She come over just in general conversation. I have a couple of them general conversation. They gotta be wiping counters, putting mail away. Yo, those are my faves. Okay. They love me in my mess. And they’re like, let me go get her together. And I’m not bothered by it. Right. I’m appreciative of it. I feel like that’s love that. They’re just like, let me get it together because they don’t even repeat it afterwards. They don’t say anything about it. They just do it and keep it moving and be in a missile conversation. They go on with the conversation as though they never touched anything.

So is that. So I’m trying not to be too hasty. I have a Savage Fever. Finally. Finally, I’ve been waiting to drop Savage Fever for like half my life. So finally, part one has dropped. It’s already gotten quite a few reviews. I’m so happy you guys enjoying it. So happy! Touch Me First is still doing its thing.

I’m happy about the reviews on that too. Yeah. If you’re reading it, please make sure you leave a review. Let me know how its going. So I’m working on part two of Savage Fever and I’m frustrated because I feel like it should have been done by now. I don’t want to keep the readers waiting too long, but I have to get out of this funk of being frustrated and annoyed with myself, because I feel like that feeling is prohibiting my process.

And it’s just not fruitful for me, for readers, from a publisher.. not fruitful. So I’m working on that and trying to say, like, just relax. The second I did actually finish maybe like three quarters of it. And then I scrapped it and was like, let me start again because I was writing it in a hasty manner. And when I read back over it, I was just like, this is just me being in a rush to get to the end.

And it’s not good. It’s not good writing. It’s kind of boring. I felt like I was writing just to get a certain number of words onto the screen and that’s not my style. So I scrapped it. It started again. So I’m about halfway through and it’s coming along much better. So that theme of just like relaxing too, take your time.

And I’ve talked about it before that is, come up with me over and over again, and it’s going to keep coming up. With me over and over again until I learn what I’m supposed to learn from it until I become who I’m supposed to become from it. And maybe this will always be a message that’s coming out to me throughout my life, who knows, but even for the dating scene, deciding that I liked someone, sometimes it’s too hasty.

Like, you know, after a couple of conversations, I was just like, yo, this ain’t it. So sometimes that, or I get really excited if I like someone past 24 hours. And just deciding that I like you sometimes that decision comes a little too hastily. Like, I don’t know enough. I don’t have enough information. We might’ve texted a lot, but we didn’t talk or I haven’t seen you yet, or whatever.

And a couple of those situations have like, proven to me that like, hold on. I don’t really know what I’m evaluating things on. It’s been a long time since I’ve been on the scene. Right. So I don’t know what I’m evaluating, what I’m like. Yo what, what am I measuring?

But I feel like I’m way better now. Like now I have like this complete scale in my head that I’m measuring and taking my time and actually saying you know what, let me gauge if I like you, like before I meet you or see you, like, let me gauge. Let me write down compile list of what’s working. What’s not working.

There was actually someone that I just knew that he wasn’t into me and like this wasn’t going to work or whatever. And I was like, I’m just going to disconnect or whatever. And I don’t know how we ended up getting to like the next conversation, but we did and met this person. And I was like, Oh, I actually really like you, like, I like who you are.

I like that you’re different. I like, that’s crazy to me because I was really just getting ready to write the whole situation off like…. next. So that was crazy. I don’t know. I feel like I’m measuring better. Don’t be too hasty. And like I said, there’s people who like have all these boxes checked, like, you know, you’re the right height, you’re the right complexion and honestly, that’s a crazy thing to me because there’s several people who like, if I’m looking online or whatever, and some people are like reaching out to me, whether it be Twitter or Instagram, whatever. And I feel some kind of way, like if all the people that you’re liking pictures of, or commenting on positively are all fair skin.

And although I’m fair skin and complimented by whatever you say, I feel some kind of way, because I think that I see the beauty in an array of complexions, and I feel like if you’re just judging on skin color, like you might as well go date someone who is white. And if you’re somebody who isn’t an interracial relationship, this by no means a slight to you, but I’m not a fan of being admired because of how fair my complexion is. That’s just not, it’s not it. And sometimes it takes me a minute to realize that that’s what this person is judging me on. That they like the fact that I’m super fair and I’m like, well, what is that? I mean, I come out come, but like, what is that? Anyway, that’s a whole different show, a whole different annoyance.

Anyway, what I’m learning is not to be too hasty. A big way that I’m finding that out is so with my daughter and her school, I did mention that I put her in a new school, but I went to her old school to get her records. And I was talking to the principal and they seemed really disappointed that they were losing her at the school.

And their… what seemed to be their remorse for all the reasons that I was leaving really had me in a way, because I’m super sensitive and I see the sensitivity in you. I’m like ready to yield. I’m working on that too, because it’s an easy way to manipulate me. I ain’t gone lie. And then I get mad on the other end and become a whole thug.

Yeah. And so like they’re really remorseful. And I was going to make a hasty decision and say, you know what? She can stay one more year. But I bit my tongue and I just sat there and listened to them talk. And they talked about how they’re making all these incredible, wonderful changes. And the teacher who she’s had all last year, she’s having the summer would be moving up with her to the next grade.

And that for me was a little like, Ooh, glad I shut up because she’s going to change schools. This teacher. I was fine throughout… well I wasn’t her biggest fan throughout the year, primarily. Yeah, because I felt like she didn’t check with the teacher from the year before to see what the kids had already learned. So I feel like particularly in the beginning it was very redundant and the kids were bored and showing their behinds because they were bored, and I guess she finally got to a place where she was teaching stuff, that it was like new stuff.

Which was cool, but in the summer, for whatever reason, her and my daughter bumped heads the entire summer, I kid you not every single week I was getting called, come get her. We sending her home. She can’t come back tomorrow. Like who has time for that? Not me. So…That prompted my whole search into another school because not that I felt like it was all their fault.

Like they wasn’t handling her properly, but because I was like, there might just need to be a change in atmosphere. They just might be tired of each other. It needs a change in the atmosphere. We need a level set. We need to in the current atmosphere, there was really no choice, but to try to force her into whatever box they were drawing for her and I didn’t necessarily think that the things that they were laying out, the right thing for her. I don’t know who’s child was screaming…lord. I changed schools and had a nice talk with her new teachers and stuff, and they seem to be very caring and understanding, and she seems to get a warm, fuzzy feeling when she’s around them.

And I liked that. But I almost made a hasty decision and yielded to the manipulation of my emotions and left her in that school only to be just frustrated all year, I would have been so frustrated every time they would have called and sent her home. So I’m glad I took my time with that. And I just paused for a second and let all the information come out.

And of course, I find that when I do that, I make a much better decision. I’m in a much better place. I’m probably gonna end up with like 5,000 shows on this topic eventually. Because of like constantly being reminded that I just have to be still for a second and let the process happen. Let things take its course. Let things show its face in every arena in my career, I need to like, be still write the story. I know, right? The story I enjoy, I need to be still and just chill out and not be so anxious to get to the end. Run my own race, not alongside anyone, but just run my own race and get it together. I’m happy that I was wise enough to do it with my child because she’s a whole other person, right.

It’s a whole other experience, whole other life that basically is at the mercy of my decision making. So I’m glad that that’s the place where I learned it and not a place that had to suffer because I was still trying to learn the lesson that the universe God has been trying to teach me for, like my whole life.

As far as dating…I dunno. I don’t know. When I have something. I’ll let you guys know, like when it’s divorced. Can we have a party, like a virtual party when that happens? I feel like we need to have wine glasses. We need to toast. We need some like… I wonder, let me talk to a producer, can we have like calling and celebrate and like party music?

I dunno. I’m seriously considering it though, but that’s who I learned just the distance of getting divorced and finally getting my life in alignment with what it is that I want for it. I feel like I was too hasty in celebrating, because I didn’t recognize that there was this hefty process behind it.

There’s so many things to do in order to finalize it. Like, I feel like the process of getting married was really easy. It was like, come on and sign some paperwork. I have some witnesses and we’re bonded. Getting out of it is like, Oh my Lord. So if I ever get married again, trust and believe I’m signing some paperwork, call a prenup, not just to protect myself, but to protect my spouse.

I just feel like we need to put some on paper to, I know you’re not supposed to get out of marriage easy. I know, but I would rather it be my heart and my common sense, my wanting this to work to be the thing that holds me in, as opposed to, you know, how much paperwork we’re going to have to do. If we decide to divorce?

I’m like, can we outline like how easy are going to make this for each other? God forbid we ever asked to walk down that road.

Cause my goodness. This is so frustrating and it’s more so frustrating, right? Because body, your soul, your emotions, everything has left the situation you are free of the situation by all means like it’s a dead issue to you and your bonded by paper. That’s crazy. It’s crazy. Like everything in you is gone. BYE.

That’s why it cracks me up. When people talk, of course, I’m like, you know, all these chatrooms online and stuff. And it cracks me up when people are like, even though you’re separated, you’re still married. And it’s just like, you ain’t never been married or you ain’t never been in the middle of divorce because you holding somebody hostage to a situation that’s dead and gone. And literally only because the court is taking however long or the other person’s taking however long to fill out whatever paperwork that’s literally why it’s taking so long has nothing to do with you’re in a bonded marriage. You are only married by paper.

You are not married by emotion by obligation. None of that. It’s just paper. That’s crazy to me. That’s crazy. I can see if somebody is separated or like just got separated and then seemingly so in love or like, It could have worked. I wish it would’ve worked. I’m so sad. It didn’t work. Or we’re still talking about what went wrong and still talking about how we’re going to be better people.

I’m not having no discussion and call me what you want, but I’m not having no discussion with him. About what went wrong and how we could be better people. I am a better person. I moved on and I’ve worked on me.

Don’t be too hasty to judge people who might be going through something similar, but because you have this very narrow view. Of marriage and relationship that you look down upon them for whatever it is that they’re experiencing, whether it be men who are legally still married and who are dating. And I know like as a woman, right, we run up across so many people who lie and miss paint a picture and have us all twisted and thinking all kinds of crazy things. Meanwhile, they’re trying to get back with their ex. That’s not the situation I’m talking about, but I’m somebody who’s, it’s very clear to you that they have personally and emotionally moved on their separate households, no interest in getting back with their ex, but you’re still holding them hostage because of what the court says, like chill, there’s lawyers, there’s people who like can drag stuff out for whatever reason.

And that’s not at the fault of the person who is trying to break free. So just don’t be too hasty to judge people. Or like how we see people, celebrities or whatever who get divorced and right behind the divorce, they’re dating someone else or they’re engaged with someone else or even married to someone else.

You have no idea how long their processes and how long they’ve been emotionally free. I mean, I feel like none of us are equipped to determine how long someone should wait before they get in to a serious relationship with someone else. So I just felt like we shouldn’t be too hasty to judge them, whether it be that they divorced a man and got married to a woman or anything like that, it’s just, I know the internet loves to make jokes out of all kinds of stuff like that.

But at the end of the day, it’s someone’s personal situation and we are not privy to the ins and outs of it. The stress of it, the trauma of it, and what it took for them to be comfortable being free with themselves and accepting themselves for who they are and embracing their now. So let’s not be too hasty on making an opinion on how someone else is living their life. Let’s chill. This is, I have friends who are like, as soon as WAP came out, the song, right? So that’s my jam. Cause I’m ratchet somewhat, but you know, like, Oh, I can’t believe these women are out here that I’ve seen like Facebook posts where immediately after a drop, like, you know, I’m a father and they’re teaching these girls, blah, blah, blah.

And I’m like, Come on. We talking about back in the day, yo, I remember sitting like in a car on a Sunday afternoon, listening to Sunday morning classics and they put in on Clarence Carter’s I Be Strokin’? And I was like, wow. And it was the old song. And I was like, this is what my parents’ generation considers a classic.

What happened? Okay. Or back in the day, there was a song called, Put It In Your Mouth by Akinyele, which was other peoples, come on, we danced to this. We sang to this. I am from the Foxy Brown and Kim little Kim eras. Like why the whole way of presenting themselves was a sexual poem when owed to sensuality. Like, owning your sexuality. So no, you ain’t going to get the pushback from me. Yeah. No, I might turn the volume up. I just feel like this is what I mean, like so many different arenas, the message of don’t be hasty is coming up over and over and over again, which is so quick to judge or so quick to define what a situation is so quick to identify what it is without really taking our time to just look at it and accept it for what it is.

It’s crazy to me, it kind of falls in line to like, when I think about relationship wise, it kind of falls in line too. When I was talking about love languages and how not everybody speaks the same language or receives it in the same language, just redefining who I’m meeting and what their language is and how they communicate.

I feel like I’m at a place in my life now where I’m much more open the differences in how people communicate and the messages that they’re sending off and being more accepting of what their language is. And deciding what I want to do with the information I’m receiving. I don’t have to stay, I don’t have to stand still.

I don’t have to accept that as like my norm, like, Oh, this is how you communicate. And because it’s how you communicate. It’s okay with me. I can decide that this is too much for me. Let me exit stage left. However, it’s not to ask you to communicate differently. It’s just me deciding if I can work with it or not.

Totally different mindset than what I’ve had for years. And I think slowing down my process of thinking and really evaluating is what’s helping me come to that place. So now, if somebody can stop me from being so sad about how fast I’m not getting organized, I appreciate that. But anyway, that’s my soap box. That’s my rant. That’s my scatterbrain. All over the place thing for today. Please pick up Savage Fever on Kindle. Kindle unlimited is the quick read after use your reviews. But trust me is literally TV in a book. Literally I kid you not. Is that exciting. If you like the erotica stuff, Touch Me First is still out there. I got paperbacks on that too. Now you can order that on Amazon books. You can download it on Kindle, Kindle Unlimited. It’s nice. Yeah, it’s nice. Nice, read it with a friend. It’s nice. I thank you guys, for giving me all your time, all your energy, every time you guys hit me up in my inbox, I’m so excited.

I love the back and forth as though appreciate you letting me know that you’re here, that you’re listening, that you’re investing that you’re riding it out with me. I definitely appreciate that. Okay. So until the next time when we can exchange power. Peace!

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