Expectations

Jenny: What is up? Okay, I know, I know. I know. But I haven’t done a crazy intro and like a hot minute. Welcome to the holistic life Podcast. I’m Jenny.

Jai: I’m Jai.

Jenny: And we are your hosts, thank you so much for being here if you are a longtime listener, if you’re a new listener, welcome to a very, very, very fun two people who are probably going to have you laughing, and if you’re not laughing this episode, just stick along because you’ll get to know us even more, and you’ll be laughing, especially if you end up seeing us on video, then you will really laugh because anybody who knows us, like can see, we get texts from friends and people who listen to the podcast, and they’re like, oh my god, I can just see Jais face. So funny. It’s awesome. So welcome to another episode. We are going to chat a little bit today about expectations, and I’m tying this right now on the spot, on the moment to being one of the root causes of stress in your life.

Jai: Yeah, valid.

Jenny: Yeah. Because obviously, there’s lots of things that can cause stress, but expectations is one of the things that you probably don’t even realize, like look on the layer, or on the top layer, I feel like expectations you’re like, yeah, yeah, I get it, I shouldn’t have expectations. But sometimes we have like embedded, subconscious expectations, that we don’t even realize that are there that are causing us stress, and even causing us chaos, we’ll, we’ll put a we’ll put a pin in that. Okay, so let’s talk a little bit about expectations on the surface, right. So expectations in general are basically, you know, you have a certain expectation of yourself, of your business of other people, society, of fill in the blank, right, food, a restaurant, whatever it is. And when those expectations are not met, you can be sad, angry, upset, and even stressed.

Jai: Frustrated, all that stuff, yeah.

Jenny: Right, and so like, okay, let’s just talk like super basic. Restaurant, you have an expectation that a Ruth Chris is going to provide a certain level of service and a certain level of food, and they don’t meet it. So you’re gonna be upset, possibly ask for a manager, right. So that’s, that’s one area, that expectations can cause you stress but also, you know, if you’re paying for a service and the service isn’t met expectations can serve you, but the thing is that you got to watch, watch out for is how is it affecting you like mentally, emotionally, physically, from a stress perspective, that’s really where we’re going here. So when we’re talking about other expectations, let’s go like family first, because the holistic life, The Holistic Life is about holistic living, right? We talk about all aspects.

Jai: Right.

Jenny: And so, let’s just talk about family right. You may have an expectation from your significant other, that they should be doing something, or should be paying attention to you, or, you know, they should be doing things a certain way. And when they don’t, depending on how you deal with things. Maybe you are like the quiet, passive aggressive, like beat around the bush, or maybe you’re direct or whatever it is, right. But let’s say you’re the passive aggressive, like, you’re like, oh well they should know that I need a whatever right now. And then you’re like stewing, you’re getting mad, this whole time, meanwhile, your partner has no idea, no idea. Now let’s talk the other side, a more direct way, do you feel that if you are more direct, because I know this is kind of more of your style, if you’re more direct, expectations you can like stew on them if things aren’t being met? Or are you just going to come out and be like, yo. Or do you check yourself, like how does it work do you think for a more direct?

Jai: Can you clarify?

Jenny: Well I’m talking about a passive aggressive, you’re stewing, but every time we talk, I’m anticipating you being like, well it’s not always that way, not everybody does it that way. So I’m kind of going the opposite of passive aggressive so if that’s not your communication style.

Jai: I think I think it, it, it, it depends because there’s a way to bring it across you know what I’m saying and not saying either way is right or wrong but like direct if you’re kind of like triggered or activated in like your direct with it, it could come across wrong, you know, like, I think you’re doing X, Y and Z, right. And then you’re projecting onto the person instead of saying I feel or this made me feel, bla bla bla bla bla. Right.

Jenny: Right. So like, basically, it’s like, you’re maybe still all up in your feelings about it.

Jai: Right.

Jenny: And you’re maybe like, come across as a dick, or an asshole, or rude, or a bitch, or.

Jai: Right which, which leads to more friction.

Jenny: And I guess another way is, maybe you are more direct, but you shut down. That’s another way. Not you, in general.

Jai: Yeah, no, no. Shit I do shut down.

Jenny: Hey, I didn’t want to throw your business out there.

Jai: It is what it is.

Jenny: I was like, I’m not calling you out there. But if you want to call yourself out

Jai: It is what it is. Yes, I definitely shut down mainly because sometimes in that moment, I don’t want to say, because I can come across very, very blunt and very, very, what’s the word I’m looking for? What’s the opposite of, not, what is it empathetic, I don’t come across empathetic, but apathetic. That’s it, I can come across very apathetic, and it’s like, you know, oh, that really hurt my feelings, or that really hurt, or that’s really. And you know that’s just how I was feeling at the time. So, especially dealing with, with people I care about, I try to be very, very cautious and, and not necessarily what I say, because I feel what I say is what I say, but, you know, kind of, in how I say it, and how it’s brought across and how it’s received.

Jenny: Right. You know, and it’s, as you’re talking about that, I’m thinking, you know, obviously, we’re not going to be able to cover every single type of communication style, because one.

Jai: There’s a lot.

Jenny: It’s, there’s a lot, and two it’s not really our expertise to sit here and break down all the different communication styles.

Jai: Shit we’re still working on it.

Jenny: Yeah like, but and our goal here is to really just bring up a conversation about, you know, how things can impact your overall life, your business, can rollover into your health, and really, a big thing about everything that we teach, and all is rooted in self awareness. And so if you’re aware, and you’re able to catch those moments, you can go to the root cause of what’s causing.

Jai: And too, recognizing too that all these things overflow, you know, I’m saying? You can’t, you people call it work life balance, work life integration, whatever, whatever it is, one thing overflows to something else. Like, when someone gains weight, they’re like, oh, I need to exercise and I need to eat better, sometimes not realizing, realizing, or being aware that the anxiety of work or the stress of a relationship is causing them to gain weight. So all these things, they work with each other. Like you can’t really have one without the other. And as you said, the more aware of, of those activators, those triggers, you know, I’m saying those emotional spikes, whatever you want to call them, and how they have you reacting. The better you can pattern interrupt and, and look for ways that better serve you to be in a more, more healthier, more fulfilled individual.

Jenny: Yeah, you know, I think when we were talking before about this episode, we were talking about, you know, giving really good entrepreneur, business type of examples. But I, I feel like I really want to first go to like the personal example that even just unfolded over the past few days, and.

Jai:Sure

Jenny: What?

Jai: I said sure.

Jenny: Sure go, he’s like whatever man I’m good with the flow go. So basically, and I’m actually going to reference one of our previous podcast episodes this is all perfect the way that everything unfolds. So we are back in Florida. It’s been a year since we sold everything, moved out on the road. We’re not like back home because we sold everything, but we are in Florida. And we have been wanting to get to our storage unit to drop off some things. Because we’ve accumulated different things, even our podcast setup, we have different audio that’s way more compact, we want to put our other audio in storage. And also, as you guys know, I mean, prices are going up. And I did not know that when you rent a storage unit. I didn’t realize that it can just put the price wherever they want, and it is what it is. So at least that’s what the company I’ve gone with, we started at $40 and now we’re at like $73.

Jai: No, it’s $70.

Jenny: It’s like $72 I just looked at it today.

Jai: Well okay, its between $70 and $75.

Jenny: Anyways, it’s whatever, but it’s gone up four times in the past year. And you know, it’s never gonna go back down. So that was the initial trigger, right. And in a conversation with my brother I was like, oh man, you know having a storage is kind of bullshit, because you think, oh, it’s gonna be 40 bucks a month for all this time, and now we’re at 70 like, gah, you know, freakin stupid. I just, I just was like venting and sharing about storage unit like, fuck man. So then what happened is a few days passed, and he calls up and they had just bought a house and they’re like, hey, shoot, we might have some extra room in the house. Let us kind of get in, let’s see, maybe we can charge you the original, original 40 bucks, and then you can come store your stuff here. You’re helping us out, we’re helping you out. Maybe that’s an option. You know, when, when you get here, you can check out the space and see if it’ll fit with you, cool, cool. So then that was like a solution, right. In some ways it was like relief, like, oh man, I won’t have to pay more. And then here we are. We’re here in the city, town, whatever the area that my brother bought his house, check out this space we’re like, yeah, I think that could work. It’s three hours away from our storage unit. So now I go into execution mode. And I’m like, okay, I still want to relieve this quote, unquote, pain, right? And I’m like, okay, you know, the storage unit, who knows when it’s gonna go up, I need to move it. So I started actually going in execution and looking into, okay, how can I from three hours away, get down there, bring my five by five storage unit up here. And like execute this in a way that’s easy or not like too much, or whatever. So I started looking I look at look at a trailer, I have a hitch on my car, it’s got a little ball hitch, I don’t even understand all the stuff on the U haul website. I’m trying to figure this out, I’m calling there, whatever. So I’m trying to figure that out, and then I get some clarity on that. And then I’m looking at maybe doing a cargo van, or like a truck, because that way I wouldn’t have to take my car, but then because I’m returning it to the same place, now I’m getting charged mileage, like 70 or $1, 70 cents or a dollar a mile, well shoot, it’s gonna be minimum 400 miles. That’s, that’s okay, that just really amped up the price of this whole execution. So I’m like, alright, that won’t work. So I finally figured it out, but then you’re trying to coordinate three hours driving there, three hours driving back, maybe spending the night somewhere, maybe not, I got to pick up two boxes from someone’s house, we got to, and then I got to unload the unit, which will take a couple hours or something, you know, like all these variables along the way. So even if you go do it in a day and you leave at 6am, you know, you’re looking at minimum probably 8, 10, 12 hour day.

Jai: Right.

Jenny: Okay, fine, that’s doable, it is what it is. Then you add in some other things. So, you know, my brother had said, you know, okay, you can come during these timeframes, these windows, you know, because they’re working from home, so they can’t accommodate, you know us just barging in there while they’re working right? And so they’re like, come between these timeframes, okay, come on these days, okay, you know, we want to go through our stuff. They’re like, hey, you know, like, they were given us some different guidelines. And, honestly, we were like, trying to figure out how to make this work and there was just so many things that were making the whole experience chaotic. And it was making the whole thing like, against the flow.

Jai: Right.

Jenny: And we were trying to make it work and trying to push through so that we could initially save $30 a month, but with gas prices, renting, time, all of that. I mean, we figured if the price stays the same, we don’t break even till six months. And then we were like, then the price goes up. I don’t know, it just seemed like there was just all these variables. And then the thought crossed my mind, I’m like, how about we just leave the shit there. So after that, what came after that, and the reason why we are deciding to leave it there is a whole nother podcast episode about abundance and mindset. That’s a whole nother episode. So I’m not going to go into that. But what I am going to go into is what we realized, is I noticed that I was a little bit bummed. I had thought, expectation, right? But I didn’t see it this way. I had thought that my brother would be a little bit more, like sure come whenever you want.

Jai: Flexible.

Jenny: Yeah, like sure come during the day, it doesn’t matter, just be quiet, like go ahead. Like that’s what I had thought so I was a little bit bummed that that wasn’t the case. And I was like, man, you know, like, it’s kind of getting tough to like, make this happen within the timeframes allotted because of the distance and all the other stuff and it was already feeling heavy, right. So then Jai and I were talking and I had realized in that moment, I was like, honestly, that’s not fair of me, because I had noticed the narrative in my mind was starting to go into the place of like, wow, maybe I can’t ask my brother for things. Maybe, maybe I can’t lean on him for anything. Gosh, maybe I should walk on eggshells. Whoo. Like I started having all these stories. And I bring this up because that’s where the expectations come. Let’s say I didn’t notice those stories. Now I may be a little agitated or my brother or I start to put a little distance in our relationship because I feel like he didn’t meet this like expectation, I had

Jai: Right, and he didn’t even know about it

Jenny: When in all reality, he didn’t know about it and like, what am I going to dictate the way he operates his house and his life? It’s his choice. Just because he’s my brother doesn’t mean I need to have like free rein of his house, who am I to expect that that’s what’s going to be the thing.

Jai: And it’s, it’s interesting because we do these things, and this goes back to the whole self awareness thing you were talking about just being aware. We do these things in our own minds, right, because it stems from wherever it stems from. But we have the audacity to get pissed off when people do these things to us.

Jenny: Yeah. Yeah. I mean, it’s it’s part of human nature and I think that when we talk about being withable, and stepping into that unfuckwith ability, like, these are the types of things right, because it’s being able to, when life throws punches at you, I mean, you can still have emotions, we definitely want you to have emotions and process them. But also, the extra stress and anxiety of me getting worked up about my brother and creating this story. And then, you know, I go complain to four friends that my brother won’t do this, that and the third. Now, I’m expending all that energy doing that. I’m stressed out, I’m trying to force this thing that’s not even meant to work or whatever. And that’s why I referenced our previous podcast episode because Beauty in the Chaos. One of the things that was so profound that Jai said in there, is I asked him, like, how does he view chaos. And he said, I think chaos is a choice, and we put ourselves into the chaos. And just me explaining all the things I’d have to do, and we’d have to do and coordinate to move this storage unit. I’m putting myself in this chaotic situation, and then I’m adding stress, and I’m trying to get there at a certain time, not get there before a certain time, you know, oh crap, now I’m driving a trailer I know nothing about and it’s swaying around and oh, crap, I’m making a left turn, like just all the things.

Jai: Right.

Jenny: All the things on top of feeling like, you know, the story I wrote feeling like I’m walking on eggshells around my brother, now that’s creating distance as we’ve already gotten closer. Now, I’m stressed out and I’m anxious, I may be snapping at Jai. You know, like, I gotta get up early and go rush out, like all the things. And the minute that we we realize that I’m so glad I was able to remove like we’re about to go hang out with him saturday, like I was able to remove any tension that could be there underlying subconsciously. Because people can feel that people can feel that energy and that shift, you know, you put up a little wall, you put up a little barrier, you just kind of distance yourself a little bit, you know, you put up a little shell.

Jai: I don’t, I don’t know what it was. I don’t remember what you said what it was either, after calling after, you just got up you’re like, you either said, does it really matter? Or, what if we just leave the shit there?

Jenny: Yeah. And it’s like, upon saying that everything was lifted. It felt so much lighter. And it was like, You know what. And then we started exploring, like, do we actually need it there at his house? Like, what is the purpose? What’s there? And yes, while saving the money was one of the main drivers, we and this is where I said, you know, a whole nother episode, we decided to step into the abundance mindset, knowing that we will be able to provide because this is an easier solution for us right now.

Jai: Right.

Jenny: Another solution could open up and we can still manifest and set the intention that we’ll be able to put our stuff in a different spot or save money or whatever. Like, that’s still a possibility but it doesn’t happen, have to happen at my brother’s house,

Jai: Right.

Jenny: Because that just was creating a lot of anxiety and stress. So here’s the thing, you talk about expectations. This was expectations, that family should do this or that or whatever, which then could cause ruffles. So think about your business. What expectations do you have on yourself, your co-workers.

Jai: Your vendors, your co-workers, your employees, your managers. Like.

Jenny: Especially unspoken.

Jai: Yeah, what stories are you writing? What stories are you, are you narrating that haven’t even happened? What, what books of fiction, what books of magnificent fiction are you creating in that wonderous is head of yours?

Jenny: Yeah. Or maybe you’re like, man, I’m really trying to get to half a million or a million in my business and when I get there, everything’s gonna be fine, I’ll finally be able to take that vacation. You know, and all of the attachment to that. You know what if you’re trying to fit into a box that isn’t meant for you? What happens and you may already be feeling it now what happens when you make that more money or you’re already making the money and you go do that and you still don’t have everything? You expect that that level of money or that level of success or that level of accolades or that level of house or car, or whatever it is, whatever your checkboxes are, you have have an expectation that those things will deliver you happiness and fulfillment.

Jai: Yep.

Jenny: And sometimes we keep striving because we don’t feel that fulfillment. We keep striving and we keep going after this goal, not realizing that it’s just the wrong goal. Think about, so think about the storage thing. I’m still pushing to get our shit up here in his house, and maybe that’s like not, it’s not the path, especially when met with so much resistance. And here’s the thing, maybe we end up doing it, and we put it in his house in two weeks. That’s still an option. We just said no to doing it fucking tomorrow and sunday. We could, before we leave this area, we could be like, you know what, actually, this, this and this opened. We found out about this, it’s easy. There we go. And that would be fine. I think what what the thing is, is I haven’t written that off, I’m just like, no, for right, like, no. We’re not, I’m not going to be so laser focused on this being an outcome, going back to what I said with the trigger, of me having that emotional spike and being like, oh, my God, the price keeps going up. What am I going to do? What am I going to do? What I’m going to do? Okay, solution? Let me get that relief.

Jai: Right.

Jenny: Maybe that’s not the solution. Maybe what you’re doing in your business is not the solution. Maybe what you’re trying so hard for and pushing for and going uphill for is not the solution. Maybe you continuing to be passive aggressive with your significant other trying to get them to realize this, that and the third, and keeps bringing you a lot of anxiety and stress. Maybe that’s not the solution. But if you took a pause, and you took a breath, and you looked to see what the root, what the trigger is where it all originated, Jai, you talked about that today. You were like, man, hold on, let me think back, let me think back to like the beginning. This started like a month ago.

Jai: Or like, Why? Why am I so upset? Why am I having these feelings? Why? And as we always say, you got to dig past the superficial answers. Superficial answers well such and such, made me mad. No one can make you anything. That’s a choice you have. You choose to be upset, you choose to be angry, you choose to be whatever. But asking those, those deeper questions, or I am upset, why? Because X, Y, and Z. Okay, why did you let that get you upset? And every time we say, well they should have known or what, you’re putting yourself in a victim, a victim mindset and a fixed mindset.

Jenny: Yeah. And sometimes, sometimes we’re too close and too attached and to in. You know, like we’re too in, and we’re not able to see, we’re not able to separate because it is a practice. And that’s where coaches can help, right. Because coaches can help reflect things back to you and help you really see those blind spots because I bet you for myself, six months, a year ago, I would have not noticed that subconscious expectation I had of family, I would not have noticed. I would have been annoyed that my brother wasn’t open and flexible, like I thought he should be

Jai: And you would have been passive aggressive about it too.

Jenny: Yeah, I might have made a comment or a little dig. And that too, I also realized was learned behavior, the way my mom has done things, it’s learned behavior. And really, for me, it’s really important for me to wherever, however often I can to like stop the cycle of me just responding on automatic. If I choose to respond in that way I can. But I want to recognize and understand where these subconscious triggers, or where these patterns, or where these beliefs, or where are these expectations, like, where’s this coming from so I can like pull them out.

Jai: Especially if you’re talking about living your best life.

Jenny: Yeah.

Jai: And living your best life doesn’t mean million dollars in the bank. Living your best life means you have relationships that feel you, these personal, significant others family relationships that feel you, you know what I’m saying. And little things that cause confrontation or whatever, and we’re not saying you shouldn’t feel emotion, you’re human, you’re going to feel emotion. But what we’re saying is, when something happens you’re not stuck there.

Jenny: Yeah.

Jai: Or you, you, you look for the reasons why because you’re like, okay, this doesn’t feel good. I don’t want to hold on to this. What’s the lesson I need to learn? Get it and move on. Or, the, the more self aware you are, the more you notice when you’re getting ready to be triggered. And going back to this, this other thing is having these subconscious expectations and expecting people to sort of read our minds or whatever. You can have these conversations where you can say, hey, I had this expectation, or whatever, and either like I’m sorry, or this is the agreement I thought we had like, saying, saying that. That’s like having somebody, a family come, come live with you because you had a brand new kid and you expected them to help out. But you never voiced that.

Jenny: Yeah.

Jai: You know what I’m saying. So they only help out when they see certain things, and you’re like, Oh, this is the agreement we had. No speak up speak on that shit.

Jenny: Right, because maybe they thought they were doing the best they could and you’re over here stewing and thinking that they’re not doing enough. And they feel like they’re doing everything they know how to do without being intrusive or whatever.

Jai: Or we just don’t know and because nothing was said.

Jenny: Right. Yeah. So true. So true. I mean, expectations show up like everywhere. And if you want to have a more like chill life overall, where you’re not like, fucking wound up all the time, you know. We’re going to do I’ll actually write it down here, we’re going to do a future episode on overwhelm and, and stress. I mean, it’s all like I said, expectations are a root cause of stress. Well, there’s a lot of things and we’ll talk a little bit about overwhelm in a future episode. I wrote that down so stay tuned for that, because if you’re feeling overwhelmed, I got I got something for you that will help I unlock that a little bit. I guess we got something for you. I’ll fill J in on what’s in my brain. Alright, guys, so as always, please subscribe. I was gonna be like, subscribe, like, comment. I’ve been watching a lot of YouTube. Subscribe to the podcast, please share the podcast, with anybody who you think would be able to get benefit from this, that really helps us out a lot. And of course.

Jai: Check out older episodes because apparently we have good ones.

Jenny: I know. We were getting texts all this week from like, a friend who was listening and she was just cracking up sending us, like quoting us on things or like we went back and listened, we were like, man, that was pretty good. Alright guys, see you on the next episode.