Hosted by
Phoenix Ash


Grief isn’t reserved for mourning the life of a loved one. We sometimes grieve relationships, business ventures, and the perceived loss of opportunity. How long it takes to get over these things can vary greatly too. Phoenix knows this all too well. Listen in as she gives her best advice for anyone hitting a rough patch in life: “You can feel the pain, but don’t let the pain stop you from moving forward.”

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Savage Fever
Touch Me First
In Her MakeUp
Soiled Sheets
Cookies & Crumbles


Phoenix: Hey, what’s up? What’s the deal it’s your girl Phoenix Ash, welcome to life as P I’m your host. They call me P if you’re a first time listener, thank you for checking me out. If you hear like echo or you hear me moving around and stuff like that, I’m trying to multitask. So I’m trying to do the show while like straightening up my hosting, maybe making some dinner early for the booboo.

Just so I can get my life together. But if you’re a first time listener, I want to say thank you. If you’re a repeat listener, I want to say thank you. I appreciate you. I spent a lot of time in New York this past week. I went for the Thanksgiving holiday, although it’s not much of a holiday that I celebrate, but I’m always thankful for my family, for my friends.

And I had a great time. I didn’t do the traditional, like go be with my parents and stuff like that. They got a lot going on at their house and we agreed that mm mm not this time, but I have a girlfriend that’s similar to me being divorced because yes, it is official. I am divorced. She and her child’s father had broken up a few months ago.

And so it’s just her and her daughter there. And so it was me and my daughter. So we have like a girl’s Thanksgiving and it was wonderful. We went absolutely nowhere. We sat in the house, the girls played, played, played, played, played. We was cleaned and sanitized and we didn’t have a bunch of other people in our faces.

So we were safe. We did not get on any kind of public transportation. We didn’t take the train, a bus, a plane, nothing. We drove. It’s only like two and a half hours from where we live. So it was just wonderful. And I’m hoping that you had a great time, whether it be off from work or time with your family or whatever you did, I’m hoping that you had a great time, because I feel like at the end of the year, we kind of all need some kind of pick me up.

At least. I know I do. Shout out to my home girl who just passed the nursing exam. I’m dumb height. Y’all don’t even know who she is, but I’m dumb height that she passed. She got a bachelor’s in nursing and I’m so freaking proud of her because I been in her ear for the whole time. She was in school for this bachelor’s I’ve been in her ear and I’m like, yes, I can shut up.

Now. She probably happy I could shut up too. That’s probably why she passed. So if you’ve listened to the show before, you know that I’m thinking of themes and stuff like that, And the thing that I feel like has been coming up a lot, I’d say over the past couple of weeks that I’ve seen. And I think I just recognize the pattern the other day is I feel like I have mastered the ability to grieve and move on at the same time.

And I don’t take it lightly that it is for me and what my life requires. It’s an extraordinary skill. And I would implore you to try to figure out how you can use it yourself. Now, understand that I’m not talking about grieving a loved one. If that’s what you want to take it as that’s fine. Because for me it does apply to grieving a loved one.

I do not grieve for long. It’s not because I’m not attached emotionally. It’s not because I don’t miss them or wish they were here. Or I don’t feel things deeply it’s because I have a different perspective of the life that they will want me to live and how they will want me to remember them. And I try to do things and honor them.

I try to accomplish things. In honor of them. I try to keep them in mind and have them be proud. I try to continue their legacy, pour into their people, support their people, like the things that I feel like they would do if they were here. I try to do a little bit of that. In order to extend their legacy rather than sulk or cry or be in my emotions.

However, however you grieve is totally on you. I would never say that my way is better than someone else’s way. This is just the way that works for me. But when I talk about grieving and move on, I’m really talking about situations. We grieve situations. So of course, you know, like in the dating game, right?

Where, you know, whoever is in it, it can sometimes be a constant grieving process. Like, damn, that was disappointing. I wanted that to work, but it happens, right. Things happen where connections that you thought were potentially lifelong, it’s just. Fizzles out people get irresponsible, unresponsive. People start to invest their interests elsewhere.

And what happens between the two of you die down or whatever. And then like people come back around. And when I guess that didn’t work out, whatever. It’s a vicious, nasty cycle, but also like in business, in terms of, I remember my girlfriend, she wrote this series called Indigo in Haze and Oh my God, for me, it’s a series that I totally enjoy.

It’s a book series. I want to say there’s three books in the series. It might be four, but you could actually get it now on Amazon because. It’s packaged as one book. So you can just get the whole book that has the whole series in it. But either way, I remember when she released that series. Oh my God, that’s the alarm going off?

Y’all I told ya I’m like, and him multitasking. Anyhow, she wrote this series and she was so disappointed in how it did. She knew that she wrote a good story. I knew she wrote a good story. Everyone who read it knew she wrote a good story, but it didn’t pick up the traction in the way that she would have liked it.

Didn’t have all the reads, all the reviews, pages, read all of that, all the things that we measure in the moment to see how well something is doing. She had said it semi publicly, but she and I had a little back and forth because I just was like, listen to us, give it is time. We know that it’s good. Give it its time.

And I like it that comes to mind because I think about my series Savage fever is picking up, but definitely not at the speed that I think it should be picking up. But. I know it’s good. I’ve read the reviews. I see the messages in my inbox and not everybody who’s in my inbox has actually left a review and I try not to harass people and be like, can you go back and put that on good reads, put that on Amazon.

But. I know that I got to give it it’s time to do what it does. So although there’s that disappointing drop in the stomach, Oh, it’s not moving as fast or it’s not doing things as quickly as I would like it to, and I’m grieving the situation. Cause it does feel like grief is so disappointing. It’s so disheartening.

You start to question that I do it right. Did I do it justice? Did I do good? Maybe I’m not as good at all. All those things. Those feelings are natural. So I can’t ever tell myself or anyone else not to have those feelings, but those feelings can’t make me stagnant. Those feelings can’t keep me standing still in the same spot, in the same moment of doubt in the same moment of, I don’t understand what is happening, why is this happening to me?

I thought this and something else came about. Like, I can’t take those feelings and like stay here with it. I had a talk with my girlfriend. We were talking about broken hearts and she’s known me since I was in the ninth grade. And I’m like, I will not stand and sweep up the pieces of my heart. I’m picking up the pieces on the way as I’m walking to the next destination that may possibly break my heart.

Again, I am picking up the pieces along the way, cause I’m like, let me get moving. Let me get moving. Cause that’s what makes me feel better is to get moving. Once I see that I have a plan. Once I see that I have a goal. Once I set my sights on something else, the pain of my past feels further away. It does.

And my past could have been yesterday or two hours ago, which is why, like, you know, and the whole date end game. Right. You can disappoint the fuck out of me, like, damn, but you know, in an hour I’m talking to somebody else cause I’m like, Oh, well, you know, I got to keep it pushing and call it what you may.

I’ll just be like, I don’t have time to sit with feelings that didn’t belong to you anyway. When things don’t work. I just feel like they not one. It wasn’t for me. So what were you that you deserve? So much of my emotion that I should leave my emotion with you. Now I’m going to pick my stuff up and I’m going to go about my business.

So I’m not going to harass you. I’m not going to stalk you. I’m not going to cry behind you. I’m not gonna run behind you even wait. Business situations. There were people who came to me was like, Oh, I’m going to help you, or, Oh, do you want to turn your books into movies? Oh, I know this person. I can introduce you to this person.

And I was all great until I found out that those introductions were hinged on a different kind of relationship and me not finding you appropriate for me to have a intimate relationship with. Closes the door for me. Now I could run behind you and try to figure out how to manipulate, because that’s what people do, how to manipulate the situation and make it look like I’m entertaining you or to convince you to lend me the opportunity anyway.

But that’s just not my thing. That’s just not the Avenue I’m supposed to take. I never feel like one person has my whole destiny tied up in a one pocket. There’s a lot of pockets around guys. There’s, there’s a lot of ways to get to where you going. And sometimes the way you think is faster, ended up being longer.

We talk about that with our parents, right? They’re like, man, you know, you think you’re taking a shortcut and then you end up doing something twice. So you take longer than what it would. Take you, if you just did it straight up your time is your time it’s going to happen in your time. And I’ve talked about it on the show before, like trying to force things through only to be disappointed after you forced them through, or only for it to be catastrophic after you’ve forced them through is counterproductive.

So I’m not trying to force anything. I’m trying to just go with what it is, but it’s not to say that situations won’t disappoint you. It’s not to say that situations won’t break your heart. Won’t leave you stuck. Won’t leave you feeling used. Won’t leave you feeling abused. All of that, all of that. And I say that.

In the most genuine way because honey, I am super, super, super, super sensitive. My daughter’s father will tell you something different, but that’s just because he dealing with a different woman right now after all we’ve been through. So he got short memory or something, but I’m super, super sensitive.

Super sensitive, feel things extremely deeply. I mean, I guess I’m what people call an empath because I feel other people’s pain, very deeply other people’s pain gives me pain. If I see you cry, I’m probably going to cry. But if I see you, when I’m going to celebrate, I’m going to jump up and down and I’m quiet the pom-poms right.

But I can’t stay in that spot. I can’t stay in that grieving spot. Like, damn, that was the situation I wanted. It was a contest, a BET contest a couple years ago that I was trying to enter and I was sending them my pitch for a television show. And I was ready. I had it. And I think I talked about it back then, but I had it, I was so ready and the deadline for them to get back to me, I had not heard from them.

And I just was like, Oh my God. And the disappointment of like, I guess I didn’t make it, but they were supposed to get in touch with me whether I made it or not. So I was extremely disappointed because I was like, Oh my God, what is happening? Why aren’t they getting back to me? So I go through my email and I go through my junk mail.

Cause I’m like, maybe they got back to me and it went to my spam or my junk and I missed it. Well, honey. Not only did they get back to me, but they got back to me right away because it was an automated message saying that my father was too big and they couldn’t accept it in that way. So I had missed it altogether.

If I would have got that message right away, I would have been able to fix the file size resend, send how I’m supposed to, whatever. You want to talk about some grief? It was in my feelings. I’m talking about, I had stomach aches, heart palpitations. I just was like, Oh my God, I’m missing an opportunity. And just from not paying attention or not knowing how to send this and beating myself up, like, Oh my God, I should have had an agent.

I should have talked to somebody. I should have. Honey whoop my own ass. So disappointed and really started to grieve, like really had tears dripping from my eyes. Like I had wanted this so bad and just knew that if somebody just took a peek at what it was, that I was submitting, that I just knew it was about to be on from there.

And this thing never made it to anybody. It just it’s like the paper airplanes, it just flop right out the sky and just flew. But, you know, what, if I stayed there and convinced myself that I missed my one and only opportunity, I wouldn’t have books on the market. I wouldn’t have. Opportunity after opportunity after opportunity, I’ve done interviews, I’ve done consultations, I’ve done coaching, I’ve done editing.

I’ve done all kinds of things to help other people, because I love to help other people, but I couldn’t wallow in my own pain. I couldn’t sit there in grieve the situation. If you follow me for a while, you know that I have, you know, a mantra where I cry today and I plan tomorrow that has saved my life on a number of occasions.

It really has saved my life to give myself a day to feel the pain, to cry, to tears, to sit with my emotion. And sometimes I’ll start the plan in the same day, but definitely by morning, I have to sit down and decide, what am I going to do to move forward? Because I refuse to stay in a spot of pain. I refuse to stay in a spot of heartache.

I have no idea when my life will end. I really would prefer not to end on a low note. I don’t know, I could pass out, close my eyes, walk down the street and just collect God forbid, please. Lord. Don’t make it go that way, but it can happen. And I would like the end of my life to be like, it’s okay. Because I had a joyous day out of joyous moment right before.

So how a child not to sit in the moment too much, not to mention if you know my story about my daughter and how long it took me before I was able to have her and how she’s my eighth child, but she’s my only living one. She’s a very happy little girl, very happy in general, very happy. And so I want to keep her that way.

She’s also extremely sensitive and she’s a mama’s girl. She’s always under me. She not here for the pain. She, now she want to know when you all choked up in your feelings and you can’t talk, she don’t know. She’s like, why are you not talking? What’s wrong with you? I say no sensitivity to the subject.

What’s wrong with you? Why are you not talking? Can you talk to me, please? Talk to me. Talk to me, please. And I love that about her because one, it brings me in a reality, right. That like my pain is becoming her pain. Okay. Because she feels shunned and she feels like you’re not giving her her attention or that, for some reason, you’re not talking to her.

And so she’s starting to take it personal and she’s like, what’s happening. She only liked to change. And at five, I feel like, look, I don’t, I don’t need to share too much pain. Well, because she can’t process it or understand it in a way that’s going to allow her to not internalize it and make it into something most when she gets a little older or when.

I feel like she has a little more maturity, we can discuss the things, but I would prefer to discuss it through her own experiences and through our own pain, help her understand what she’s going through, as opposed to putting what I’m going through on her shoulders, because what I’m going through is adult stuff.

I mean, she’s five. She only needs to carry adult stuff at five, not if I can help it. So it just, I love that about her because she pulls me back into reality and it makes me know that like, you know what, I have her in. She gives me joy and I’m like, whatever else is going on and stuff like that, I’m gonna have to figure out how to get my joy back on them angles because not, we ain’t sitting here like that.

I love that. She’s happy. I love that. I’m happy. So I’m going to do what I can to perpetuate the happiness in both of our lives. And for me, that means that despite my grief, I have to move on and sometimes I have to do it simultaneously. Most times for me, I have to do it simultaneously. I lost twin girls in 2014 due to preterm labor.

And later that year I lost my son through preterm labor. So I lost three children in one year. The next year, three months after I had my son, I found out I was pregnant again, and I was pregnant with Saudia and all my God was I devastated because I was just not ready. Emotionally, I felt like I was not ready, but you know, she was my full term pregnancy, fairly uneventful pregnancy.

Very eventful labor though. But. There was no time to say, Oh no, I gotta, I gotta heal emotionally from three kids. Did I seek therapy? Absolutely. I switched therapy, but that was me healing. While I had to raise her, I still had to find a way to move on. I still had find a way not to have her inherit, this pain have her inherit, this emotional turmoil.

I had to figure out how to move on. And I feel like it was helpful, might have taken me longer to heal for certain things. Definitely from the loss of my children. It did take me a long time to heal from that. It took me years to heal from that and I missed them and it took me a long time to let go of the guilt of saying that I healed.

Because, you know, people will make you feel like, well, you didn’t really care about them. How do you, how do you heal from that? How do you move on from losing your children? And it’s just like, well, it’s not that I don’t miss them or wish that they were here or love them any less. It’s just that I’m not going to sit in pain.

I’m not going to take a bath in it. Not gonna bathe in my pain. I’m going to shower myself with joy so that I can show them in the universe. You can be happy. You can be happy. I’m a believer in heaven. I’m a believer in angels, and I’m a believer in people who have gone on before you looking down on you or passing you as spirits.

I believe a lot of stuff, but in general, even when my living child, the gift that I feel like I can give you, that would be the most significant is for you to be able to live your life without the burden of mine. I don’t want my child to grow up thinking she has to take care of me. I want to take care of myself.

I went to assist her with taking care of her family until she’s able to do it on her own. And then continue that legacy. I don’t want her to have to turn around and say, my mother can’t pay her bills. My mother can’t pay her mortgage. My mother, I got to do this from, I got to work twice as hard so I could take care of my mother.

I don’t want that for her. I want her to have the freedom to go on and take care of how folks, how people, and I hope folks like parents, but her people and you know, her, her father. And I have very different concepts of that. But for me, I don’t want to think. And she got to take care of me and moved me into her house and disrupt how her family go to take care of me if she does it.

That’s fine. I love that’s fine, but I don’t want her to have my life as her burden because the decisions I make and how I live my life, it’s not her fault. That’s me being my own person. And that’s the gift. My aunt who raised me, she she’s more than able to take care of herself. What I take care of her.

Absolutely. Absolutely. But I don’t have the burden of feeling like it’s necessary or I have to, I have the love to say, I want to, it’s not a burden. I would do anything for you. But I don’t expect Saudia to have that if she has it fine. If she doesn’t, that’s fine too. I don’t love that any less because I’ve raised her to be independent and to go live her life and create a family of her own and just know that her mother will always love her and will always have her back.

But without the moving on you don’t gift your children that, and you need to gift yourself. That is such a burden to have to handle relationships, business ships and whatever. All kinds of relationships is such a burden to have to go at them with referencing all your old pain. It’s such a burden to be like, okay, wait, let me check you against this list of pain.

Let me see who you are. You know, I met a lot of people who acted like they solid, but they not. I met a lot of people who act like, you know, a lot tell it like it is I’m upfront or whatever. And he is full of shit. You ain’t that you ain’t that at all. But I don’t have time or the patience to keep checking you against my list.

My brain will connect you to the things that I see and I’ll be cautious or whatever, but I don’t have time because you and your lack of being solid I’m to see that eventually it’s going to come out and your actions, you’re going to do something and real recognize real. I see. When you miss that, I see that I see when your words and your actions don’t line up.

I see that. And honestly, people are lazy. So people can’t pretend for long periods of time. They get lazy. After a couple of weeks, they start being themselves. All of that go hard. Go hard, go hard. Yeah. Okay. You may have a business contact. Who’s so excited about you and so excited about your work and.

You’re like, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes. And then after a couple of weeks, or a couple of months, you don’t hear from them anymore, or they not answering your phone calls or they don’t have as much time available as they did before. They suddenly don’t know the right people that they should be introducing you or something else is on hold and people doing contracts, and then they never get back to you because then you’re like, I thought it was on hold and then they lifted the hold.

But why you ain’t come back? It’s a lot. A lot of people, ain’t who they say they are or who they pretend to be. And a lot of people sometimes just lose interest, to be honest, everything ain’t that you fake some things, did you just lose interest okay. That you excited at first and then you lost interest.

Okay. And a lot of people don’t know how to communicate that. They don’t know how to communicate the failed interest because some of us connected to you being fake. You being fraud, you being a phony, you wasted my time. You did it. Sometimes it’s just clearly just a lack of interest. Something happened or something interested the more and because we fight against it because our ego is so bruised.

We have to say something is wrong with that person. Or in order for them to have not liked us longer or liked my work longer or wanting to invest in me longer. Like sometimes it ain’t that. Sometimes it ain’t that until we have to manage our ego as well, to know that people should have the space to change their mind.

People should have the space to no longer be interested and feel comfortable expressing that and not have the carry, the burden of the fact that you’re slighted by their lack of interest. I will tell you this. If you tell me you’re not interested in me or not interested in my work or not interested in my help or whatever, I will respect you.

Well, it sting. Absolutely. But I will respect you and I will not grieve the situation. Won’t be like, okay, that wasn’t for me, but I will respect you. My issue is with people who are supposed to be adults who fear your reaction so much that they don’t communicate what’s going on with them. But I can’t control that.

What I can control is how long I’m upset about it and what I allow me being upset about it to do, and to me, to my life, to my moments and. Will I make this a roadblock or a stepping stone? It’s really that simple for me. I try to turn all my pain into stepping stones. Even if it’s in a relationship arena, you not a roadblock, like please don’t give anybody so much power that they could be a roadblock.

So your heart’s happiness. They are stepping stones because if they’re not for you, you step on that pain. And move closer to the thing that is for you. So the love that is for you to the affection that is for you. They just stepping stones. Don’t allow. I know sometimes when we have children with someone or we’ve been in a relationship for a long time, we let it block us.

We let the end of that relationship block us. And what I’m saying is that if it hurts, let it hurt, but please move on. Please move on because. I don’t want you to be blind to what is for you that you sole focus looking at that thing that you think you lost, that you can’t figure out that there was a gain you need to be able to see that there was a gain .

You gained momentum in the correct direction. If it didn’t work, it wasn’t for you. It wasn’t yours. Feel the pain, but don’t let the pain stop you from going forward. That is the gist of everything I wanted to say. I know you’re like, well, P why you have to, how does the whole long show? It’s just said that in a snippet on Instagram, I probably could have, but you know, I like to talk anyway.

If you’re interested in reading Savage fever, it is so dope. There’s three episodes out now is very much like television. So it’s done in episodes. It’s quick reads probably take you about a half an hour to read each book so you can like get it in. And then, like I said, it’s like television, you get it in real fascinating.

Keep pushing Savage fever is available on Amazon. It’s on Kindle. It’s on Kindle unlimited. Like I said, three episodes is out. Episode one is drops. The fire episode two is loyalty is relative and episode three is blood on a dance floor. I’m very proud of this series. So, you know, I’m gonna tell you, go check it out and leave a review.

Do that, please. Okay. Thank you. I appreciate it. But if you want to get up in my inbox, that’s cool. So you can do both, but that’s cool. All right. I don’t know what else to tell you. If you want to reach out to me, I’m at pwrites on Instagram. I’m also at Pwrites on Twitter. If you’re more of a professional person, don’t mind me on Twitter.

Sometimes I get reckless. It’s all out of love. I’m just having fun. I’m enjoying my life. I hope you’re enjoying yours until next time when we can exchange power, peace.

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Life As P...Episode 271