Phoenix: Hello? Hello? Hello. What’s the deal. Welcome to life as P I’m your host P also Phoenix Ash. How are you guys? If you are a first time listener, I thank you so much for joining me. I appreciate however you got hold of this podcast, whether it be from a retweet repost on Facebook, your home girl texts you your home boy said you should listen to this wherever. Thank you. And welcome. If you are a repeat listener. Thank you so much for continuing to rock out with me. I appreciate all the messages about, you know, content or whatever, and you know, the back and forth that we enjoy on this journey. So let’s get into it. You know, I share, you know, whatever are the themes or whatever.
I feel like the universe is speaking to me as of late. And I want to talk about truth and I want to talk about how much of it we should share and how much of it. We can take, I recently had a situation where I probably shared a little too much of my truth, and I can’t even say a situation is several situations that I’m realizing that I’m sharing a little bit too much of my truth.
Definitely not here. I feel very comfortable on life as P letting you know, what, what steps I’m taking in my journey. And if any of this resonates with you, and if you could. Pull anything from it, or even offer anything to it. I’m very appreciative of that. So I’m going to keep my transparency here.
However, in business, as well as personal relationships, I’m finding that it is very difficult to. Be in a space where truth can be shared without destroying what the space is crazy. Right? ’cause we, we say that we want truth. We say that we want to keep truth in our lives. We don’t want to be lied to, or, you know, we just want situations to be on the up and up.
We want everything to be what it is, but at the same time, our hearts are hopeful for something that doesn’t always align with the truth. We put too much effort. Into the truth. So we’re so adamant about being truthful. So adamant about telling people the truth that we forget that there’s an audience and the audience is impacted differently than how we have been impacted by the truth.
Sometimes I feel like I can get caught up in, send you with the truth. I mean, like real honesty, because the truth can sometimes make you see my asshole. It really can, the way that you notify people of what you see or what you experienced or what you analyze the situation and being. You know, sometimes you volunteer information that don’t need to be volunteered, in all honesty.
Sometimes you just gotta let people have the space to be who they are and do what they do without your commentary. And that’s a, a lesson that I feel like. Unfortunately, I have to learn over and over and over again because I’m, so I guess stuck on the truth where I like to keep it in front of my face at all times.
Although I love to dream and I love to foresee, see that to me is like the thing that I want to always be aware of for me, I caution myself. Against getting caught up in the fantasy of anything. You know, I’m a writer and my imagination goes very, very far. I’m also a perceiver. I discern, I read situations and fortunately slash unfortunately see things from, from very way back before they materialize.
I sometimes can see where things are going. And because I caution myself against what I see might be a pitfall for me. I sometimes treat people in my life with too much caution as well. And a lot of times that can look like control that can look like, you know, I’m trying to stop you from being who you are, or I’m trying to stop you from doing what you do.
Or I’m trying to navigate some waters that honestly are not my own. And I struggled with that in business and business relationships, you know, I have in my mind a way that things should go and I have in my mind a way that information and feedback should be delivered in order for me to receive it. So I kind of have like a script.
They, you should follow and it doesn’t really allow for good interactions on the regular. It does sometimes, you know, because sometimes people follow the script, people do what I think they should do. However, you know, sometimes it’s, uh, Tinge of hurt that comes with it when things don’t pan out in the way that I think they should.
And sometimes I’m disappointed when things show up in the way that I’ve foreseen them to show up like, damn, I wish I was wrong. I didn’t want to see this go down like that. Or whatever, but you know, I’ve said a thousand times I have total belief in my ability to recover from any situation. So sometimes that belief overtakes me so much that I forget that there’s going to be a recovery involved after I share the truth, whether it be on the opposite person’s side or on my side. I sometimes forget that, you know, there’s going to be a recovery involved that I have so much faith in my ability that sometimes I don’t take into account someone else’s lack of ability to recover. And I think I need to work more on why I’m sharing these pieces of truth.
What is my purpose? What is my driving force? Why do I need to share this truth? Isn’t necessary. You know, I buried a piece of myself in everything that I write, not always the same piece, you know, sometimes it’s very subtle. Sometimes it’s very overt. So I have a place to bury the ashes that so to speak, of course I would use a chain reference, but because I have a place to. Lay my truth down. I think I need to be a little more conscientious about the arenas in which I speak that truth. I would never mute myself. To make someone else feel better? No, that’s a lie. That’s a lie. I would quiet myself if I felt like someone couldn’t handle what it is that I had to say.
That’s the honest truth. Whether I like that about myself or not. I don’t know, but I would definitely quiet myself if I felt like you’ve had a little too much in me or a little too much of my truth. But I wouldn’t, you know, walk on eggshells and refuse to be me and refuse to save the things that I feel like I need to say for me, truth is intimacy.
And I’ve probably said that before, maybe even on the last show, but when I share that, when I am. Vulnerable. And I share my truth. I feel like I’m giving you an intimate part of me that you have earned to me. It’s my thank you for being authentic or thank you for being who you are in my life. And sometimes that truth is in reaction to something that someone has said to me, something someone had.
Sliding me with or done to me. And, you know, it’s a struggle conversation. It’s a struggle. , you know, somebody very close to me said something that I was offended by and I took a deep breath, took it in conversation I ended and I’m not even sure. No, I’m I’m positive at the end of that conversation, they had not known that they offended me.
So me being who I am struggled to let it go. And so I reached back out to that person and was like, this bothered me. And because this bothered me, I need to share it. And of course that person, cause they love me and they are. Genuine was really apologetic and also needed to understand what it was that they triggered.
And I actually appreciated that conversation that they cared enough to ask what it was that they were triggering so that they could be mindful of it going forward. However, here’s my catch 22. I don’t necessarily want you to be that mindful of it going forward, because I feel like you being too mindful is you not truly being who you are.
You know, I want people who are in my life, who I trust and have conversations with to feel free to express what’s on their mind, say what they think, whether I’m going to like it or not share how they feel. Whether I’m going to like it or not, because I can manage me and I can manage my emotion. I may be upset at first.
I may have an initial reaction. However, given some time I’m back to my normal self and we can maintain our regular relationship. I’ve gotten to a place where. Very rarely do I hold the grudge in order for me to hold a grudge, you have to perpetually be violating me. Like it has to be some ongoing violation that I just can’t shake or you won’t stop.
Or it’s a way of thinking is it’s something that has to go on and on and on. I don’t want to be offended forever. I don’t want to live in that space. I don’t want to be irritated or annoyed feelings hurt. Tearful. I don’t, I don’t want to be all of that forever. So I’ve gotten to a place where, you know, after a little bit of time, I can let it go.
Which guys, if you’ve known me for years, you would know that’s growth. So the catch is, you know, I don’t want you to stop sharing how you feel. I don’t want you to stop saying what it is that you think. However, I want the same freedom. I want to be able to freely tell you that I’ve been offended. I want to be able to freely talk with you and get us through whatever the apparent offense was.
So I don’t want you on eggshells and it’s a very thin line because the person does not want to hurt you. So, because they don’t want to hurt you. They’re like, yeah, but I have to be mindful because this hurts, but. Here. I am like, okay. Yeah, it hurts. I’ll heal. We’ll talk it through. We’ll get through. But the struggle of not being yourself and not being to freely express what you think and feel I believe is more hurtful.
I don’t want you to send to yourself. I don’t want you to pause. So we may have some difficult conversations. We may have some difficult places to get through. That’s just what it is. I don’t want a relationship friendship. Family-wise like any, any situation where you can’t freely put your guard down and be who you are because you feel as though I won’t accept it, or because I’m going to get inadvertently stabbed by whatever it is that you’re saying or doing.
I’m lucky. And when I say I’m lucky, it’s because I have been blessed with the ability to compartmentalize and to separate slights from intention. At least I think that I can be extremely aware of the slight while at the same time being aware of the lack of intention to issue it. So basically you hurt me, but you didn’t mean to hurt me.
You weren’t malicious, you weren’t being facetious. You weren’t trying to hurt me. You weren’t coming for me, so to speak right where it wasn’t coming from me when I ain’t sent for you. Remember when everyone was saying it so I can separate, which is helpful. It’s helpful in not holding a grudge. I’d like to think that the people that I’ve recently aligned myself with.
Yeah. Or the people that have been in my life long time that are still in my life. Are the kind of people who don’t intentionally hurt me. So when I do get hurt by them, I feel like it shouldn’t last long. We should be able to talk about it. I should be able to say what happened and whether they apologize and not, or we just, you know, sometimes it’s breakthrough.
I had a conversation the other day, like it was just breakthrough. It was, you know, like I said, we were talking about triggers and what was it that I triggered in? Well, you know, sharing pieces of my childhood and you know, it was breakthrough. It was definitely breakthrough conversation. And so, but I would not have had that and they would not have had that.
Had we just, you know, tiptoed on out the door and been like, okay, well I heard you, let me not say anything else, or you hurt me. Let me not, you know, show you the love that I’ve been accustomed to showing you because you have the ability to hurt me. Anybody who says like, you know, love doesn’t hurt. I’m not from that school of thought.
I can’t be because it has hurt me a number of times, you know, and the people in my family who have hurt me have not intended to do that. I know that. There’s been some funky, even with my ex-husband has been some funky situations where, you know, a lot of stuff went down that was hurtful. However, most of it, at least prior to the divorce, I should say most of it, I don’t believe was intentional.
I believe that a lot of it was about selfishness, about trying to figure out what the balance was in his life and what was it that he wanted to pursue for himself. And I think that it was multiple circumstances where he just forgot me a little bit, not in terms of like, Oh, forget about me, but focused on himself.
And for me, it wasn’t about that. So offensive, I’m so pissed that I can’t get over what you’ve done or what you’ve said or how you move. It was the realization that what I’m asking of you is not in alignment with who you truly are and what you would really like to do. And so maybe we shouldn’t be here.
Not that we haven’t had all the things that were meant for us. Um, we have a beautiful baby girl. Who’s super smart, super kind, loving, sensitive, sassy, but you know, she’s all the things, all the things definitely meant to be here and definitely meant to be of him and of me. So it’s not about like regret or blame for me in, in what happened throughout our marriage.
It’s me recognizing that me wanting you to be other than what you were most comfortable being in, what you naturally wanted to do was me asking you to become someone else. And I feel to truly love you is to love who you are. To see who you are. See those flaws. Not that I don’t want you to be better or want you to grow.
Not that I won’t support you in your journey, but there’s some things that people are resolved to feeling as though this is who I am. This is how I come. This is, this is it. This doesn’t grow. This. Doesn’t get better. This doesn’t change this right here is the same. And it’s important to recognize what that is.
It’s important to call it out to say, you know this, all right, this is the thing that we’re talking about. That’s probably not going to change. Right. And it it’s at the core and it reaches out into all these different relationships. And, you know, I’m one of the relationships. If I find that I’m spending the bulk of my time.
Trying to redirect you and trying to remold you and stop you from being that thing than perhaps it is not you that I want to be here with. And I feel like that’s no fault of yours and no fault of mine. It’s just what it is. And sometimes that is a truth that is difficult to hear. Difficult to live, particularly when you’ve locked yourself in for so long.
And you’ve built so many of your mentalities and your ways of thinking around this, lock-in this belief of your, you know, I’m here forever breaking that mold is incredibly difficult, incredibly. I don’t wish it on anyone. I wish truth on all of you, but if you can avoid the difficulty of trying to navigate a mold that needs to be broken, honey… it’s difficult.
And so I’m still weighing out how much truth I need to share. And when I need to share it, I’m still weighing out when I need to weigh it out. If that makes any sense, I realized lately I haven’t been weighing it. I just been shooting it off. I just been like poom, poom, poom. Here’s the truth. Here’s the truth is the truth.
It is too much sometimes… I can recognize that is too much because some of it is unnecessary. Some of it is unnecessarily sharing my slights or, you know, feeling some type of way. And some of it ain’t like, I’m not even giving myself the time, the 10 minutes that I know that it’s going to take me to be all right.
Some of it, I’m not giving myself the 10 minutes. I need to give myself the 10 minutes. Thankfully I’m at a place where I’m not afraid of how I feel. I feel how I feel I do what I do with it. Sometimes I do great things with it. Sometimes I horrible choices. It’s me continuously working on who I am and how I develop and who I want to be.
It’s hard. It’s hard even receiving the truth is, is hard. Sometimes I speak it prematurely and the person I’m talking to isn’t ready to accept their portion of the truth. And so they don’t speak theirs. They hold their tongue and I feel it. I feel it. And I recognize the missing information and that in itself is its own truth.
That can be difficult to swallow. It can be. However, I’m a healer, survivor, thriver. So, you know, I’ll get past it, but definitely trying to figure out the line. Um, like I said, I don’t want people to walk on eggshells around me because I’m going to share my truth of being offended or whatever. I don’t want to hold in my emotions and not share that I’ve been slighted or that I feel a certain way or that I have a particular opinion.
I want to feel free to share that. And then at the same time, you know, even though I don’t want people to walk on eggshells around me at the same time, I kind of want to be a little more mindful of how much truth I’m sharing with someone that may be offensive. It’s a lot of lines, you know, it’s a whole matrix.
It’s a whole matrix. It’s really, it’s really like, you know, when we used to watch like the mission, impossible movies and they sneak into a room and it’s got laser beams with all those crisscrosses or whatever, and the person that has to like, do all kinds of weird movements in order to get past all those laser beams not get hurt and yet get to the goal.
That’s what it feels like. All these, all these lines. I’m at the line of so many things and I’ll figure it out. I trust and believe I’m very comfortable figuring it out for myself because I always want to develop into my best self. What was my best me three years ago is not my best me now. I fully surpass that.
And it’s because I have these reflections and because I give myself the room to not only be transparent with you, but be transparent with myself. To, you know, recognize where there’s a flaw or recognize where something can be worked on rather than just being like, well, that’s me. That’s how I go.
I definitely don’t like to hear that answer. So I don’t necessarily want to be the person who gives it. I want to be open and honest enough with myself to recognize when there is something that probably needs a little bit more work. And definitely my truth sharing is a space. I have not mastered the, when, why and how, and, and sometimes people get burnt.
They do, I do what I can to repair those burns though. I’m not so, so much of a stubborn person. I am stubborn, but not so much that I can apologize. Some things do require apology. So, anyway, I encourage you to think to yourself about, you know, what, what truths you have been sharing unnecessarily and what truths have been difficult for you to receive and try to figure out why, like, think about what are your triggers what’s what’s happening.
What’s triggering you to share an unnecessary truth that may be damaging, or that may hurt someone. And what. Is it that people trigger within you that makes you offended when you hear the truth or when you hear some part of the truth or their truth. You know, what had me offended earlier in the week was not necessarily that what the person said to me was true.
I was offended by like, why would they think that true? And I was like, wait, wait. It was actually twice two different conversations. I was like, what? You’re completely wrong in that? Like, you know, your assessment of that within me is completely wrong, completely wrong, but it was the truth about what they perceive.
And I’d be a fool not to pay attention to what the perception is. I can’t control the perception, but at the same time, I can be aware on what it is that I’m giving off so that, you know, something that I will contemplate. And I will think to. You know, manage within myself and decide where’s my place to be okay with that.
So it’s a lot. Um, but it’s cool. I’m going to do the work. I’m gonna do the work. I encourage you to do the work within yourself. I feel like once we, you know, start this kind of journey, like we open up amazing doors for ourselves and that’s the whole point, right? To open up these doors, to hit the untapped blessing, to get to, you know, next level.
I feel like that’s the point. That is the point, let us grow, let us evolve. Let us contemplate. Let us think about who we are, what we do and figure out how to elevate to the best version of that. So that everything that we approach, we approach with the best version, I feel like that’s the way to, you know, open those doors for us.
All right. So box done. Thank you so much for joining me. Let me rant, let me rave, let me work through my thoughts. I so appreciate it. If you want to support, I would love that purchase my books. Yo hotels just dropped. It’s a Jazmine Sullivan inspired anthology. I have a story in there. It’s a bit of a unconventional story.
So be aware of that. Very fun though. I think. So, yeah, pick up hotels. It is available on Amazon. It’s available. I have some copies too. If you want to slide up in my inbox, then you want to get an autograph copy. I could definitely make that happen for you. But if you’re like, I’m good on the autograph. I just want the book.
That’s cool. Go to Amazon order that I’ve gotten. A lot of support on Twitter, a lot of support on Facebook. I’m so appreciative of the community. So like on Twitter, I’m part of like this little glow group, I guess. I don’t know this afternoon drive vibe thing. And it’s so popping because it really changes your mood in the middle of the afternoon.
People be in their car, bumping music, you know, like getting you going. A lot of it is like old school music. So like bringing you back memories or whatever, and any house like. A whole bunch of conversation that’s going on. And I definitely encourage you to hop on and join in the conversation because particularly, you know how Twitter go.
I don’t know how much, how long it’s going to last, but I say all of that to say that there’s a number of people within that community. Who’ve been amazing. Uh, amazing who have like purchased my book, retweeted. The book hotels is doing very well. I appreciate all the love and support. It was definitely, um, unexpected, right?
Because you know, a lot of these people are in other States or whatever. And like, you just don’t know, you, you feel like, you know, they seem supportive and loving here, but people have really come through with real live support, real life purchases, real live downloads, reading. I appreciate that kind of love I do what I can to give it back, but I am just like really humbled by how much those people love on me.
And I just want to give my thanks and appreciation. So yeah, come join, join, you know, get popping and get your day going. Download hotels episode five, which is the finale of Savage fever is on its way. So if you want to catch up, please download. Episodes one through four. Those are also available on Amazon right now.
They’re only available on Kindle and Kindle unlimited and Kindle apps. So, you know, if you don’t have a Kindle, but you got a phone and you download the Kindle app, you should be able to download it. Yo I’m telling you Savage Fever is a true feel. And I know a lot of you who have read it are like, girl, shut up, stop talking about it.
Can you please just got in, drop it? Listen, I got to get my mind, right. It’s I want to make it good for you. Alright, so that’s enough. That’s the spill. I love you guys. Thank you so much for giving me your power and letting me give you my peace.