Patience On My Last Nerve

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life as p
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Phoenix Ash


There are so many ways to deal with frustration when your patience is being tested. For Phoenix her outlet is her work. In this episode, she will be sharing how she has learned to deal with the things that bother her and roll with punches, so that she can grow evolve to be the person she wants to be.

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Phoenix: What up? What up? What up? Thank you for joining me on Life as P I’m your host Phoenix Ash. People call me P. So that’s what’s up. Thank you for joining me if you hear the washing machine or dryer in the background is because I’m still working from home. So you know, chores, but thank you for joining me. I appreciate however you found me if you saw it on Twitter, if you saw it on Facebook, Instagram or if you had a friend who told you about it or a friend of a friend of a friend’s daughter, son, cousin. I don’t know I don’t care. Thank you so much for joining me if you are a repeat listener, What’s up y’all was good, you know? So who’s still in the storm, y’all still things are a little hazy getting very frustrated, because I’m trying to get some contracts signed in some, some documents in order and it feels like it’s taking absolutely forever. And unfortunately, I’m not number one on my lawyers list. Yeah, I have to accept that. I know people like if you’re not number one, it was like, Yeah, but I want them to have more than one client. So somebody’s got to not be number one. But you know, I’m just getting a little frustrated with that. And I just feel like this past week. My patience has been tried. Patience, nerves, my gangsta. I feel like it has definitely been tested. But I’ve been doing good. I’m doing good. I’m holding on. I feel like there have been some people who have tried to manipulate me who have had like sneak disses, sneak jabs and stuff. And who is trying to fool my head and stuff. And, you know, unfortunately for them, I have tapped into the universe, okay, so I have the power for sight, I can read the room, I can read the writing on the wall, I can read what’s happening. You’re not tricking me. And actually, I probably know some information that you don’t. But it’s crazy. Like I can feel when people are moving funny around me and I don’t like it. I don’t like it. But it’s not for long. It’s definitely not for long. And I just, you know, when my patience is tried, I am good for shutting down. I’m good for like, that’s it. That’s enough. I’m not talking to anybody. I’m going in my corner. I’m just gonna talk to my baby. And she is not here right now. I can’t talk to my baby. But I know there’s so many ways to deal with frustrations and patience and stuff like that. And I’m very lucky that I’ve gotten to a place in my life that those things propel me to go harder in my crafts. It’s so funny that I can say crafts now have more than one. But they do force me to go harder. I guess it’s sort of like the equivalent of throwing yourself into work and becoming a workaholic, to not deal with your emotions. But for me, it’s not not dealing with my emotions. It’s actually how I work through them. And maybe because my work is writing and podcasting, and editing and synopses and all that stuff, maybe because it’s that type of creative work. That for me, it’s not putting my emotions to the side, it’s actually working through how I feel, what the logic is in it and how I need to move forward. Um, I’m very blessed to be able to do that. And even luckier that I’m able to use that to help my friends get through because I’ve had a couple of friends who’ve been tried, tried this past week. And you know, that skill is helpful. And then it allows us to communicate and to work out what we feel. Because I think sometimes we get locked into what we feel and we get locked into the hurt into the pain. And we just make it more hurtful and more painful than it is because we’re locking in so hard with tunnel vision, pain, pain, pain, pain, pain, it hurts. It hurts.  It hurts where we’re not assessing it. The entire situation, we’re not assessing all the different pieces, and the logic of it all. And for me, that’s been my saving grace is to put my logic in front of whatever it is that I feel, I will give myself time to feel what I feel. So I’m not one of those people that like you can tell something hurtful or tell bad news too. And I’m going to be able to process and you know, think clearly, in the moment, I’m going to be super emotional, even if I don’t say it. I’m going to be super emotional. But I’m going to be very direct, I’m going to ask questions, I’m going to get the full pieces of information. And inside is like a raging bull. Raging. I’m like, ah, but I’m going to be direct, I’m going to ask questions, and I’m going to take because I know that I’m gonna have to process and so let me just gather up all the pieces, I need to put them all in my basket, including my raging emotions, let me put them all in my basket. Because, you know, later on, I’m going to need to process and then once I finished speaking to the person, I let myself feel, go ahead and feel get that out. So I get like a half a day, you know, I usually say you know, you get a day, but without I like, calculate the hours, I get like a half a day to cry it out, feel it out, worried it out, whatever. But it’s almost like I exhaust that emotion. Until that emotion is too tired to be the active emotion. And for me, it probably takes like the rest of the day, like half a day. And then I go to sleep. If I can sleep, I’m horrible at sleeping. I need to get better. But the next day, I’m usually fine. Because I’ve exhausted that emotion. And then the next day I can play. Now I’m actually feeling like I’m getting better at that. Because some stuff, I’ve been able to like within a few hours, apply logic, apply understanding, really, like spend some time with the universe really pray and you know, get some clarity on what it is that I think I’m looking at what it is that I think I’m facing, and how will I handle it? And how will I move on? It’s not easy. It’s not easy, but I feel like particularly in a industry where rejection is so prevalent. It’s helpful. And so if you work in an industry, or if you’re striving to do something where you know, you can easily get 100 rejections before you get a yes. Being able to apply your logic to situations and assess the entire situation as quickly as possible is helpful. Now, I’m not saying rush yourself to this point. But try not to hold on to pain for too long. You know, like I said, the focus on the actual painful part is sometimes a little too much. And sometimes, you know, in my life, what I recognize is that there are some people that will call me unconventional in terms of how I love who I love, what I do, what I tolerate, what I express, what I understand that I could be a bit unconventional. And what I’ve realized for myself is that I was holding on to pain based upon standards that somebody else set. And those standards that they set weren’t even for me, they weren’t set for me, they were set, and they were you know, popular. And it was like you. You shouldn’t feel this, you shouldn’t think this, this is not okay, you shouldn’t want this, you shouldn’t, you know, live with this. It’s not okay. And when I let go of, you know, having those standards, be my standards, I became much happier. Because not only were we on a note like business, friendship relationship, I’m way past the port, where’s the mic and walk all over me? I’m way past that. Okay. So that’s not at all what I’m saying. If that’s what you’re picking up, however, just stuff in general you know, if you spend any time on Twitter first of all, if you spend time on Twitter, you follow me you know I’m on there quite a bit @pwrites. But people will have an opinion like you’re still blah blah or if you don’t. And it’s like all these people chime in like words and I can’t believe in that. And you know, if you don’t have your own mind, that will really twist you into developing a standard for yourself that’s based upon these 1000s of people you don’t know and to be honest, the way that sort of work. Most of them people probably don’t even believe that shit themselves in their own life. So you have to be careful about taking in everyone else’s standard of operation. And you need to figure out what works for you. And it’s okay if it’s unconventional. It’s okay. If it, you know, varies a little to the left, as long as it doesn’t hurt anybody like, right? We’re not violating any children. We’re not taking away somebody’s ability to say yes or no, we’re not doing that. But really for yourself, when you’re setting a standard for yourself, and how you deal with business relationships, as well as personal relationships, it’s good to know what your personal standard is, like, I don’t want to be bothered by something because somebody else said, I should be bothered by it. You know, I was having a conversation with a friend of mine the other day, and they said something to me, and I was like, I’m processing. And they’re like, Okay, what do you process and I was like, You said something to me. And I felt like I should be bothered by it, but I’m not. And so I don’t know what to do with it. I didn’t know what to do with it. Because society said, I should be bothered by that. People that I don’t know, said I should be bothered by that, but I’m not. And so I have a choice, I can decide to uphold a generalised standard that has nothing to do with me and what I personally like and what I personally feel, and I could decide that I’m hurt, I could make a decision, I could decide that I’m hurt. Or I can realize that was good for me, it’s not good for everybody. But I’m in a situation with me. And I’m gonna do and say what’s good for me. But that’s like a lot. That’s like a lot. I really had to bring it down in my head. I had to process it. I’m a straight up kind of girl. I asked very direct questions. When I think something is going on. I don’t sit and watch with cut eyes. And let me see, like I don’t test situations. If I think something is going on. If I feel something is not right, I say I say it out loud, yo, but this is and sometimes when I say things out loud, I hear it back to myself and I go, Hmm, maybe I’m wrong. But if I feel like something is being picked up in my spirit, it may take months for that thing to come to fruition, but it does come? Am I even sitting and watching him for it? But it just happens. So when I pick up on something, rather than trying to decipher what it is, I trust myself enough, where I know, okay, I know what I know. But now, let’s apply some logic to it. And let’s figure out what we’re going to do about it, and how we’re going to move forward and find out if it bothers you? Does this bother you? Or are you going off of what should bother you? You know, do you think that this is a fruitful partnership based upon, you know, popular opinion of who this person is and what they can do for you. Or being that you’ve already had experience with this person? You know, what, what do you think can happen for you, and take the person out of it, take the personality out of it. That too, would trip me up sometimes too. Because, you know, I’d be thinking, Oh, this person’s so nice and so sweet. And they said these good things to me. But the reality of the work being done was that it wasn’t a healthy partnership or a healthy relationship for me. And things really were bothering me. Not based upon what they should. And sometimes the things that do bother me are things that society or popular opinion says should not and but sometimes they do. And so rather than, you know, shut up because they’re not supposed to, I say it out loud, because the people who love me and the people who are close to me, and the people that I have a good relationship with are mature enough to work through these things. Like we all talk things out. You know, I said something to my girlfriend the other day. And she was like, Oh, that was harsh. And I was like, Oh, well I felt attacked. And so because I felt attacked. You know, I’m a Brooklyn girl, I get my back up when I am against the wall. So I was like, I felt attacked. And she was like, there’s no way that I would have attacked you. No way I understand your pain, I understand where you’re coming from, I understand the plate. There’s no way that I would ever try to hurt you like that. And I was like, I’m sorry. I’m sorry. And I’m not going to give another excuse because I am sorry. And I need you to understand the fullness of my sorry. So we are mature enough to be able to speak out loud what we think or feel and work through those feelings and thoughts and maintain relationships. You know, it is good for me because I am a fighter flight. You know, I’ve talked about it before, like I fight to the death. But sometimes my fight looks like flight because my protection of self kicks in this situation is probably something that I’m going to grow and evolve from. And it probably needs to happen for all parties to grow and evolve. However it hurts and it doesn’t feel good. So I’m good to like, turn my back and be like, you know, this little too emotional investment. And I just rather not deal with that I just don’t want to look at it. So let me turn my back and let me just walk away. And that’s not always the best solution. Because I sort of skipped out on that evolution, I skip out on the lesson that’s supposed to be learned, I skip out on the experience. And as a writer, I don’t want to skip out on the experience, because I’m going to document it in a fictional story, you’re going to see pieces of it here, pieces of it there are going to get documented. So I don’t want to skip out on the parts of the evolution that will give me fruit that will contribute to my growth, that will allow me to elevate to my higher self, not all situations that, you know, set you up for the next level are going to be good and dandy and, you know, be full of rosy opportunities. And this is your level upses, they’re not all gonna look like that some of those things are going to be pain that you got to stretch through, some of those things are going to be discomfort that you got to like, figure out is this your norm is this shoe norm. And you know, sometimes you’re going to have to balance your pain, and really apply logic to it. So find out if it’s truly your pain, or have you just decided to be hurt, based upon somebody else’s standards for yourself. Like the whole thing, like I’m saying, I’m frustrated with my lawyer, and you know, is not built on, you know, somebody will say that I should be pissed, I should be pissed, and I should fire him. And I should do all kinds of stuff. I should call the NASA harasser, and I should threaten and I should show up and I should you notice people who would tell me to do all of that. That would be me deciding that I’m upset enough to do all that when my logic says, Listen, they have more than one client, somebody’s got to not be number one. And at the end of the day, the reason why you’re not number one is because what you want done is not necessarily urgent, it’s not. There are other things happening in comparison that are much bigger, and much more urgent. And if you are going to walk around and not understand that, you ain’t gonna get any lawyer that has more than one client. I think you’re not. So that’s me having to apply my logic to something that’s giving me an emotional response. But then me trying to figure out like, Okay, what is it and really, my emotional response is not I’m pissed or upset, is I’m anxious, I’m anxious, I’m anxious to get to the next step, I want to get to the next part, I want to complete this portion, I’m anxious to move no to contracts that I’m waiting on, will allow me to start making more moves towards what the next phase of life is for me. So I’m anxious. However, you know, I do trust timing, God’s timing, the universe, timing, my own timing. So I have experienced where you try to force something and you try to speed it up and make it happen right now. And it doesn’t work. It doesn’t work. It’s a shitstorm it is, every time I try to put my foot on a gas and just force it. It does not work. It does not work. So you know, if you are anyone in a business or personal relationship with me, and you’d be like, yo, she just, you know, she’d be like, and go Hi, go. My girlfriend laughs all the time. And I’d be like, yo, go Hi, go. Like, that’s just what it is, is because I’ve committed to not stressing myself out, trying to force things to happen, and then being more stressed at the tail end of it, because I’ve forced it and it still didn’t go my way. Some stuff, it just got to go how it goes. The situation is either for you or is not you either gonna walk away, you’re going to stay, and you’re going to work through that situation, you know, you’re gonna keep the business relationship, you’re gonna keep the personal relationship, you’re gonna keep the friendship, whatever, it either works for you or it doesn’t. But trying to force things into the box that you have in your mind. It may work for you, it does not work for me. It does not work for me. And that is trying my patience. Because my instinct is to just, I’m aggressive. I’m an alpha female. Right? I just let’s make this happen. Let’s do this, you know, I’m accustomed to 20 years taking the lead, you know, and paying bills and everything. So I have to chill out and let things unfold how they may. And that’s not always easy, particularly when you’ve been chasing a writing career for feels like half your life. It’s very difficult to not force things in a box. This has to work. This has to work this way and I had to learn that because I’m very headstrong when I first got signed. My first couple books, I was very adamant about my covers. Oh, no, I don’t like the covers you have, I’m gonna use my covers. And you know, the publisher head covers that they were like, these are tried and true. You know, I’ve done market research, I know what works. And I just was like, well, I could follow your format. But you know, I don’t like any of those covers. And I really thought I knew it. Because I was like, I’m a reader. I read books, and I don’t like those covers. And, and looking back on it, I’m just like, you know, I don’t think my books did any better. Because I picked my own covers. I don’t, I don’t in actuality, I think a couple of those books might did those first two books might have did better had I gone with the publishers cover only because it would have looked more like the publisher style. And people who are accustomed to that publishing house would have picked up wanting. So hindsight 2020 no regrets, though. Because, listen, I rise the fall. I know it’s because of me. And got nobody to blame. And I’m cool with that. I’m good. That’s how I try to sleep at night. Because you know, I’m bad at sleeping. But that’s how I look at myself in the mirror. I’m always able to look at myself in the mirror. Because I ride the fall myself. It’s because of me, good or bad. You know, I’m saying like, I don’t take too much of outside opinions and what I should do. But I do take advice. And I put it all together and decide what it is that I’m going to do. I have my own mind. And it’s so crazy. Because I see it in my daughter. She definitely has her own mind. Sometimes she’d be looking at me like I don’t know, if I trust that information and be like, damn! I’m your mom. I’ve been wrong. You don’t trust the information that you get from me. But I love that she has her own mind. It’s not that it’s not personal. It’s not that she doesn’t trust me, it’s that her brain is saying let me process. Let me do the work. Let me come to the conclusion. I love that. I love that, probably because I see myself in that. But either way, I still love it, I think that she’s gonna need it. I think that, you know, she’s being prepared some way somehow she’s being prepared to do really great and big things. And she can’t need to think for herself. She is I mean, we all kind of do, right. I’ve had some people in my life who don’t think for themselves. But anyway, I say all of that to say that my patience has definitely been tried. But because of the tools that I’ve sharpened in the past, I’m able to apply logic and to get through emotional responses a lot quicker. And I think I’m giving patience and running for less money is trying me but I’m trying it you know what I mean?. I don’t know, I don’t know what that really means. But if you found it tonight, go ahead run with that. I feel like you know, when your patience is tried, it could get on your last damn nerves and be like patience, why are you on this nerve right here like damn but you know, it’s something you need to learn, it’s something you need to, there’s some stretching going on. There’s some stretching going on, and you have to walk it out, walk it out, there’s some things that you just got to walk out. And I’m thankful for the village that I have around me, but there’s some things I have to walk out on my own. Because the logic and the standards and the way that it works and the way that it feels and the decision of feelings and the decision of understanding and all that stuff of what’s happening and reading the room and tapping into the universe and talking to God and really understanding what is in front of me, what am I facing some of that stuff I do by myself. Because I can’t bring your standard into it. I can’t really bring your understanding into it. I have a personal relationship with God. And I feel like I have a personal relationship with the universe. And so sometimes, you know, we just blast it one on one and hash it out. And the universe has been good to me when I have turned to it. To understand what is happening around me. There’s some people who may think that I’m hypocritical like, I believe in the universe, I believe in God and I’d be like, come on now God created the universe. Anyway. That is my belief. If you believe something else, that’s fine. Find a fruit and eat on it. Okay, patience can get tried, but use your other tools, use your other tools. My other tool is logic. That is the thing that saves the day for me. What is the tool that saves the day for you? Some people can be totally opposite for some people be like no I got to follow my heart and whenever I follow my heart that is when I’m happiest. If that’s your tool. When your patience says tried, try to remember within your heart. For me, when my patience is tried, I need logic. Because my heart is super emotional, super reactive, sometimes violent, and non violent physically, I don’t know, just, you know, sometimes I can be off the wall, but whoever I’m dealing with may not make it through that stage. Because logic always shows up. So I’m just learning to apply it early on, so that I don’t go through the trauma so that I don’t go through the hurt and the pain so that I don’t have to sit with things for long periods of time. I don’t like to sit in, you know, rejection, hurt, pain, tears, mourning. Life is just way too short for me to spend too many days in those feelings, they don’t feel good. So if I’m going to spend a week with those feelings, they better get down on paper, get down in my laptop or something and go read a book, because I got to give it purpose. I can’t just feel that just for the sake of feeling. It’s just like, even my joy, my joy has purpose. But it’s easier for me to find the purpose in my joy, it’s a lot harder for me to find the purpose in the things that are uncomfortable. It’s a lot harder. And I have to recall my logic and recall what it is that there’s a vision, I’ve seen a vision, I’m in the present moment, because I’m participating in a vision that I’ve experienced. So what’s my part to play, and sometimes, you know, the vision is complete. It’s telling you, okay, it’s complete, you can go now you got what she was supposed to get. And maybe that’s what it is. But whatever your tool is, you need to apply it when your patience is tried, rather than you know, being off the wall. And, you know, I know sometimes it feels good, and it feels very satisfactory to just yell it out, fight it out, or even walk away. It’s so crazy, because walking away used to feel very satisfactory to me. Like I can just walk away, you know, this little joke. Me and my girlfriend guys. Like girl, you bet. I always say my bag, stay packed. So she’s like, if something bothers me and I say something, she’d be like, I know them bags, stay packed. You wouldn’t think so as long as I was married, but my bags do stay packed. Like I just be ready to be like, Okay, I’m always ready to cut it off. But I’m learning that, you know, sometimes I spite my face all freaking light. Like, don’t spite your face, deal with it. Move on. And use your logic, apply your logic, see what the math is. Sometimes, you know, we’ve had friendships, I got friendships, family ships, all of that, where, you know, if it wasn’t for me, using my logic, those relationships would no longer exist. no longer exists. Because families especially you know, when that pain cut that pain cut deep cut deep that violation. That violation feels like you just gave me a buck 50 cross my cheek, you know, I have to weigh it out like does this negate who you’ve been and who you are, and all the different pieces of view, and all the different layers in which our life connects? This is one incident or this one habit or this one way of negating everything else? Sometimes the answer is yes. And sometimes that means the relationship needs to be severed. But sometimes the answer’s no. And so it means that, Okay, I gotta do the hard part and work through my pain, whether it be to talk it out, whether it be to see if it’s me and a trigger, and work out that trigger, or whatever it is, but I have to use my logic and ask the questions and be direct and scoop up all my information and put it in my basket and process. Okay, I gotta process it. And recognizing that I need time to process has been a huge gift for me. A huge gift. I’m trying to teach it to my daughter because she’ll like to answer me real fast. Like, no. Okay, pause. You said that no, too fast. Process, think about what I’m asking you spend some time with it, and then get back to me and usually the answer changes. You know, I want her to learn that because I feel like it has saved me and if it can in any way contribute to alleviating some heavy burdens in her future. I would definitely want her to use that. So there’s that? Yeah, patience. It’s on my last nerve. But we work it out over here for real. Anyway, if you want to get at me, I’m @pwrites and that’s  PWRITES on Twitter, as well as on Instagram. I’m Phoenix Ash on Facebook. definitely follow me link up. You want to hit me up in a DM let me know you heard the podcast that’s cool too. Let’s keep it podcasts and books and exams. Okay, I got enough nonsense happening there is nonsense. But um Yeah, let’s do that, let’s talk about. Is there a topic you want me to talk about? Has this podcast impacted you in any way or whatever? It would be nice to know that if you want to support my writing, I would absolutely love that all my books are available on Amazon. I have a delectable novel which is a romance novel. I have touched me first which is this romance this little nasty parts and he has been categorized as erotica so you know bout to be a hot boy, hot girl summer you might want to check that out see what that’s pop and bout if you like urban I have my savage fever series episodes one through four. They’re all available on Kindle unlimited all Kindle apps. The finale I know I keep saying is coming is coming it is just moving really really slow. You hear my podcasts, you hear all the stuff I’m talking about, you know life is really heavy in the brain right now. Like there’s a lot of activity going on. So it’s coming, it’s moving slow but it’s coming I promise you I will deliver I will deliver, anyway if you want to get at me um what’s up with that? If you want to check out more of SayWHA radio definitely look at the different programs that are on we have a number of programs we’re growing remember it used to just be SayWHA, and then it was just SayWHA and my Life as P, and then it was What the Finance, now is I think Holistic Life and it’s just a lot going on and SayWHA is really growing. So yeah, check us out. We’re on Spotify, Apple podcast, Google Play, iHeartRadio, we’re everywhere you’re everywhere. I really appreciate you guys for allowing us to grow. Alright, until the next time when we can exchange power, peace.

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