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Right For What’s Right For Me

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life as p
Hosted by
Phoenix Ash

 

We all struggle with momentary sadness when we don’t get what we want or someone says or does something that offends us. No matter how hard we try, it can be hard to let go of that disappointment after the fact. In this episode, Phoenix explains how she has freed herself of the need to please everyone, instead focusing on finding what’s right for her. Don’t dwell on the things you’ve missed out on, look forward to what’s coming.

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Touch Me First
Delectable
In Her MakeUp
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*Intro*

Phoenix:

What’s up. Welcome to life as P I’m your host, Phoenix Ash. They call me P. Yo, this has been crazy the past week, couple of days, it’s just been a roller coaster ride. If you’re a new listener, I’m sorry, I’m just jumping in right here. I appreciate you for giving me a shot. If you’re a repeat listener.

Thank you for joining me again, to hear my musings, me going off, talking about whatever’s happening with me. It’s just been a really emotional time for me, for those of you who follow me on Twitter or Facebook or Instagram, you know that my mother had a birthday last week and that was really emotional for me.

I actually woke up in tears that day. My mother has been gone for a very long time. She died when I was a child. I was eight years old. And I think having the day fall in the same week that my daughter’s birthday was falling, it just, it was just a lot going on. My daughter’s birthday is five days after my mom’s.

Just to give you a little bit of perspective on that. So it was just a very emotional time. And then the following day, my uncle on my father’s side, my father’s brother passed away. So. It’s just been one hell of a roller coaster ride when it comes to my emotions. And unfortunately some of my friends have gotten the brunt of that rollercoaster ride and Ooh, shout out to them.

The people who have withstood my emotions and my back and forth and my confusion and my quick anger. And then my settle down. Straight champions for real, for real, because I was tripping and I was just so in my feelings about any and everything, and then my daughter, she had a couple of friends over, it was very low key of course, because of COVID I’m very careful making sure that, you know, The people that she sees are people that she sees regularly because unlike a lot of other kids, my daughter actually goes to school every day.

She goes to the private school so they have a little bit more flexibility in terms of social distancing. Having them come in with their mask. They have backup masks for them at the school. They also have changed the whole way that they execute their curriculum. In terms of the kids don’t go to the gym.

They don’t go to the lunchroom, just really reappropriating the space and they’ve done a good job. And so far she’s safe, I’m safe. It’s working out. So the people that she thought was like three little kids that she sees all the time. And my god, they told him my house up. Y’all tore it up, but she had the best.

The best time I bought her some roller skates and she is learning to roller skate and she picked it up so quickly. And then she also learns how to jump rope. She’s also like five years old. It’s just a big deal for her. You can see just straight brand new. She’s still brand new. If you want to see video of that, definitely check out my Instagram or my Facebook is up there. She’s hilarious. She wanted rainbow hair. So I got somebody to braid her hair with like different colors and stuff. So she lit y’all. I say all that to say, like, I was extremely emotional and one person in particularly I think really caught the elbow with my emotions.

I was just up, down all over plays and they, they were good because they were the same all the way through for the most part. So I really appreciate that. But. There was a time in my life where I think that I tried to control the impact, my emotions, or my thought process or my history or my way of thinking, whatever my fear and all of that, how it impacts the people around me.

And I’m always aware. I’m always self-aware. I, I know what’s going on with my flaws. I feel like I have quite a history of having people in my life, constant instantly point out my flaws. So there’s no where for me to hide from them, it’s been in my face for most of them my life. And I’ve worked on those that I think are the ones that I would like to change about myself, to make myself a better person.

And I say it that way, right? Because sometimes you got to weigh out who is giving this feedback, right? Is it an asshole who’s giving asshole feedback to everybody? Or is it something specific to you that you’re hearing over and over again from several sources and maybe something you can be kind of introspective about and try to see what’s going on with yourself.

Constantly weighing those things out to make sure that I am not taking the word of an asshole. Who’s just trying to be an asshole and crushed me to death because I was, I had an uncle who raised me that way. Like, he’s just an asshole for the sake of being an asshole and trying to crush me to death. So I would often try to control who I was and what I was.

And, and so now I feel like I’m going through sort of like a rebellious phase where like, I refuse to pretend that I’m different from who I am. I talked about before that I’m going to always show up as me. And I think that it’s worth another show because. You have to let yourself be, and it’s not just romantic relationships.

It’s and of course that’s the first thing that’s out of my mouth, because this was on my mind. It’s the pandemic. Y’all everybody drowning. But I’m also talking about when you are reaching out to your network, when you are trying to pursue, you’re trying to grow that dream. You trying to see what’s going on with your next step.

You’re trying to get to the next step. Sometimes we like put on his mask and try to be everything that the person that we’re pursuing maybe once. And I say maybe wants, because we’d probably don’t even know this person that well, and we don’t. No, what they want, we haven’t targeted it and we haven’t discussed it.

They haven’t made, known what they’re looking for because we’re concentrated on the work. And it’s like, you know, my work has to be perfect. It has to be this as the, and honestly, a lot of times the person who is looking to help you is looking to connect to you. So if everything is about the work and the work is just so perfect and pristine, it doesn’t always yield.

The result that you’re looking for because you have not worked on the connection. And the connection is the human side. So sometimes they have to see your process. I’m not saying like give work, that’s riddled with errors so that they know that you’re human. However, I feel like relax just a little bit, let your real self shine through so that people can connect to you because I find at least in my life, the people who have helped me the most are the people who have seen me as a person.

And been able to connect to me as a person. And they’ve only been able to do that because I’ve looked at them as a person. And I’ve only been able to do that because I’ve accepted the person. I am. You know, I’ve talked about it. I’m emotional. Sometimes I’m passive aggressive. I need to say I am emotional like three times because that’s how emotional I am.

I move with my heart and my mind at the same time I do. And a lot of times it’s my heart leading away. If I’m truly honest. I feel things very, very deeply. So like, if I connect to you, I connect all the way. I’m like I have several girlfriends, my girlfriend, Jess, and my girlfriend Nala, my girlfriend, Chaz, Deidre, you know, Eliza, like these are people who have been in my life for years upon years when we connected, it was like, I’ve known you my whole life.

You family now. And it’s always been that way. It’s not like, you know, quick connection and then it fades or fizzles. No, this is family, that’s it? This is my people. That’s it. It’s always going to be like that. Eliza and Deidre, like we’ve known each other friends ever, and these people don’t know each other, but they both know me, but I’ve known them for ever.

And. We’ve gone through cycles of friendships. You know, I, a long time ago did a show about putting me on ice. So was like, somebody is always putting me on ice because I didn’t say something. Am I supposed to say, who knows what I did? If perfection was a thing, it wouldn’t be my thing still, but I aim for it.

Don’t ever, ever attain it right. Still our friendship has gone on for years upon years, upon years, despite whatever obstacles that we’ve come across, because that’s my family. It is. And so. That’s probably what makes networking so hard for me? Well, it used to make it hard. Right? I just did a whole show about networking your worth.

Once I’ve recognized what I brought to the table, it was like, okay, that human connection that I love. That’s my thing. I bring that to the table and I’m okay with you walking away from me. I worked at a place where I was lead of a team and it was the first time in this kind of role. And I’m just like working with everybody and offering them to do walks with me because I was trying to get healthy.

So I was trying to combine one of our work tasks, which people would normally drive to this place. Because you would do it really quick, but I was like, you know, I could go on my lunch break and I’ll do a walk and I would invite people. I would invite the team in general. Like, if anybody want to walk, you could come walk with me and we have a good crowd.

We’d walk, we talk lunchtime, we break bread together. You know, we, I was trying to eat healthy. So there was a girl on the team who was making salads and she would make everybody a salad. So we contribute, you know, to her groceries so that we could all take advantage of this. Then we will eat together. And it was really good.

There was a woman on the team who connection is not a simple thing for, I won’t say it’s not her thing, but I feel like it’s not a simple thing for her that she was really apprehensive. And so she wasn’t in a walking. She doesn’t like to walk. She gets her exercise some other way and that’s her business, but she would always decline the walk.

Okay. And then she would decline, you know, not necessarily declined the whole salad thing. Cause it wasn’t an offer. It would just, it was just a thing. It just became a thing. It wasn’t anything that was formalized, but she wouldn’t participate in that. And that was fine. Nobody felt any kind of way. It just felt like it wasn’t her thing.

But. She felt as though we were clique-ish and actually reported that my manager, it was the first time she was in a management role. And I had to talk to her about how some people use keywords to try to manipulate what it is that you think about something. But, you know, if you think about it in a holistic way, you’ll recognize that that’s not, clique-ish, that’s actually her being exclusive and deciding not to include herself in something that’s going on.

So it’s depends on what side you’re looking at. So when she was looking at that was my flaw that I was bringing to the table that I had created somewhat the feeling of a group of people who gravitated toward each other and were doing a lot of things together. And she recognized it as a clique. Whereas my manager looked, you know, started to open up her mind and looked at it differently and was like, you know what?

No, you’re right. You creating an environment where people are loving on each other and because they’re breaking bread together. And because they’re taking these walks together, they’re also helping each other. There’s a, a nice feel. People would come to our site to train and be like, Oh my God, I love it there. It feels so good to be there because. They weren’t just loving on each other. You know, we extended this to everybody who walked in the door, like, Hey, how you doing? You know, it’s a really calm atmosphere. People are really helpful. And then when you make a mistake, we tell you that’s okay. And we walk you through the next steps on how to fix it and how to rectify the issue and how to be better going forward.

And I like to lead that way. But for this person, it didn’t work for them. They wanted it to be more about the work. They wanted less personal interactions, which I’m cool with for me. And you, you know, but I’m not going to let you dictate how I lead and how I bring what I bring to the table, because you’re not going to change it.

If it doesn’t work for you fine. Now, granted, if she was my employer and my employer said that doesn’t work for me. Chances are, I would have looked for another employer, not, Oh my God, I gotta be different. This is horrible in a work atmosphere. It doesn’t work for this employer. It doesn’t work for this employer.

However, if it’s creating an atmosphere where the employees are flourishing, I’m probably going to fight it just a little bit and be like, wait, hold on. Let’s look at some numbers. Let’s look at some data. Let’s compare and see productivity. Okay. You might need to shush because maybe don’t work for you, but it’s working for the company.

So we might need to take it somewhere else. But anyway, All of that, to say that there are some things about you that will work for you in the right situation and in the right circumstance. And we have to be comfortable. I think in knowing that you will be the right person for the right circumstance. You will be the right person for, if you’re looking for the love of your life, are you looking for your soulmate?

Are you looking for, what’s going to be the right relationship for you and all that. You will always be the right person for the person that is right for you. That is my aha of the week. You will be the right person for the person who is right for you. So all of that, I’m talking about jobs, relationships, all of that.

I prayed and prayed and prayed and prayed and prayed and prayed. I wanted to have a child wanting to, I actually thought I was going to have a bunch of kids. Okay. I wanted to have a bunch of kids. There’s a part of me that still does want to have other children, however, Pregnancy was very difficult for me.

So if I ever fall in love again or ever get married, well, I don’t want to say or get married again. Cause I feel like if I fall in love again, that would be the scenario in which I got married again. But we probably have to be very creative in terms of how, how we’d have a child. If we were looking to have more children.

But the person who I’m right for will help me figure that out, or I will help them figure it out. We’ll figure it out together, but all that anxiety and stress of like being in a job that like you’re constantly looking over your shoulder, tryna fix who you are, what you are, how you come across, who you need to talk to, how you talk to them.

It’s probably not the job for you. It’s not. And sometimes I think as humans, we get it confused. We think because we’ve been somewhere a long time that it must be ours. It must be where we’re supposed to be. I’ve been here five years. It must be where I’m supposed to be. I’ve been here 10 years. It must be where I’m supposed to be.

Hell, I’ve been married for 15 years. It must be where I’m supposed to be. But is it really. Or is it, you just kind of like settling and deciding not to do anything about all the signs that are telling you. You’re not where you’re supposed to be. You’re not, you know, I had to struggle with that when I was married, there were plenty of signs that I was not where I was supposed to be forever.

Now I’m not opposed to thinking that I was supposed to be there for some period of time. I don’t necessarily think that it was the wisest decision for me to get married because every reason why I’m getting divorced has residue from things that I was apprehensive about before I even got in a relationship.

So that was me turning a blind eye to lots of stuff in favor of not being alone. Won’t do that again. Alone is something that I definitely don’t mind. I’m not going to do that again. And so I trust myself because I trust that I won’t make that mistake again. Like the, I got to the foundation of the problem and I was like, yeah, I’m not going to do that again.

Yeah. So I, I trusted myself cause that’s another issue too, that I feel like a lot of my friends are, are struggling with is like, do I trust myself to make the right decision about relationships, but that’s a whole nother show child, but because I’ve learned to accept who I am, but also I know that I’m who I am right now is a person that I worked on.

I worked on me. I worked on getting better. I worked on letting go some of my bad habits. I worked on trying to develop the skills and the mindset that I envied in others. I am not put together at all. Okay. I’m a whole mess. I’m a paper hoarder. I am a whole mess. Things. Get disorganized very easily. Over the past few years, I’ve paid attention to friends who are extremely organized, who keep their homes immaculate.

I don’t know if I’ll ever be immaculate, but just, and there came a time where I just had to accept, I got to pay somebody to do this. This is not my thing. I can’t. First of all, I have so much anxiety when I am cooking, cleaning all of that, because I want to be writing. And because I have other responsibilities, other things that I do in order to generate money so that we can live the lifestyle that I like to live and pay our bills.

I don’t have a lot of free time to write. And, you know, between crafting a story, drafting it, editing it. Sending it out, editing it again, all the steps that it takes to develop an actually publish. I get a lot of anxiety when I’m doing other things. When I can take a break from mommy for a second, it’s hard for me to concentrate on tasks like cleaning the house.

I can clean a room. I can probably throw a load of clothes in the wash, but then I want to sit down and write. And so I’m trying to figure out how to balance that. And I think over the past few years I’ve gotten better, but I’m definitely not great. I’m definitely still in the mindset. Like when I get my stuff together, I probably still need to employ somebody to come to like set it off.

But I accept those things about myself. And I know those are things that I work on. I don’t just be like, well, this is me. This is what it is. I know what I’m working on. So. Because I know that the version that you get today is the version that’s been worked on the version. That is my best version thus far.

I’m completely comfortable with you walking away from me because it doesn’t work for you. Whether it be in business, whether it be on pitching a story, pitching a partnership, whether it be exploring if it’s going to be a relationship, a romantic relationship. Does this mean that I don’t get my feelings hurt?

Absolutely not. Absolutely not. Remember I’m emotional and sensitive. All of that. I get my feelings hurt. I do. And sometimes I spats. Sometimes I cuss you up and down and around. Um, that’s the most of my spazz though. I try not to get anybody these hands. I feel like I’m too old to be walking around, giving everybody these hands.

So I may like cop an attitude or whatever, or I may even require an explanation in the grand scheme of things. My status probably lasts for like 10 minutes and then I move on and then I’m just like, well, you know what? I’m going to be rightful what’s right. For me, I’m just walk away. And that honestly, the mindset gives me such peace.

And I know I have friends who have like really held me down through this emotional period of mine. And I’ve been like back and forth. I mean, this past week was probably the heaviest of my emotional period over the past year or so. But I have friends who have helped me down to this whole like divorce thing and everything.

And I think I’ve said before, I don’t know if you’ve listened to any of the shows that Jess and I have done together from SayWHA radio, but. Getting divorced did not break my heart. And I don’t say that to pretend that I’m tough or pretend that there wasn’t a time where I loved my ex-husband or pretend that he just doesn’t have that effect on me.

I mean, he doesn’t have it on me now, so no, it didn’t break my heart. Getting a divorce was like, It was a relief because it was something that I had contemplated for a number of years that I finally was brave enough to go through with what broke my heart happened years ago, years ago. In our marriage.

But years ago, there was a couple of things that broke my heart. But at the end of the day, what it was is the realization that you are not who I thought you would be for me. That is the thing that got a little crack in art. You are not who I thought you would be for me. And when I thought about how I hinged a whole potential lifelong.

Decision upon the lie of who I believed you would be, that hurt me. And so I kind of felt like he didn’t ever break my heart. I felt like I broke my own heart because everything that he was and everything that. Would make me feel away was right in front of my face. He had not made any attempt to hide any of that.

And so I built up a fallacy that I believed in that I invested in. And then the realization of what that was is what broke me. And so no, getting a divorce. Wasn’t the heartbreaking. Oh, I’m so sorry. You must be really going through the ring. It wasn’t that for me. And I have to. Be honest with myself and don’t ever pretend to grieve because I have enough grief in my life.

I’ve been grieving my entire life for so many reasons in so many different situations that I don’t pretend to grieve situations that I don’t, I don’t force a connection somewhere, just so that I can own the grief that’s happening, you know, like when people pass away and be like, you never even talked to this person and why is it, why is it taking you?

I don’t judge anyone else’s grief over things like that. For me though, I will not build up a bond in my mind or build up a pedestal for someone in my mind, just so I can grieve. I’m very conscious about that though. I just not going to pretend to grieve. And like I said, it’s not a slight towards him.

It’s just is what it is. It’s really a flat. Fact. So it’s been a very long time since I felt like I was in love. I don’t know if I’d even recognize it. If it was in front of my face at this point, either way. I feel as though the person who I am, I’ve worked on and I’ve put a lot of effort into making her the best version of me thus far.

And I’m very conscious about who I am, what I do and how I move. And I make sure that everything is in line with my authentic self. Does it work for everybody? Absolutely not. Does it work in every situation? Absolutely not. There are people who cannot stand me. I can you believe it? There are people who cannot stand me.

I’m okay with that. I’m okay. Not because like, I’m like, man F you not even, I’m just like, I know I’m not for everybody. For some people, I’m not enough for some people I’m just too much. And then there’s this, this little cutout of people that I’m just right for. And those are the people that are just right for me.

You know what, that’s a lie

because there have been people in my life who felt that I was just right for them. And I was clear that  not right for me though. So however though, the people who I do feel are just right for me. I typically the people who believe that I am just right. So I’m just saying that I will be right for the right situations, my friendships that have lasted years, despite my flaws, despite their flaws, we’re friends, because we love each other passionately.

I’m not even talking about like some intimate stuff. It’s just, we love each other passionately. Like, yo, I will go to bat for you. Like for row, for room 10 toes down all the time. Those other people that I’m just right for it. And they’re just right for me. Yeah. And so I don’t have to second guess it. I don’t have to think about it.

And so it’s going to be what it’s going to be. It is, it’s fine. It’s, it’s all love the person who I feel like I’m about to lose because I am myself. Yeah that’s probably not the person for me. Because I’m gonna mess some things up. Now I’m going to do everything in my power, not to violate you. So I feel like whatever I’m messing up, I’m not violating you.

I’m not violating your person. I’m not going to step on your womanhood. Step on your manhood. I’m not going to do anything like that. I’m not going to. Do things that are facetious. I’m not going to go behind your back, but I still mess stuff up. And I know that like these, a big general categories, and it’s just like, well, if you’re not doing all of that and what you’re doing, trust me, I’m gonna do something messed up.

I’m gonna say something stupid. I’m gonna be emotional over something. I’m gonna get mad over something. I probably shouldn’t get mad over. I’m going to distance myself. Um, I do not walk away from people I’m not ready to walk away from that. I don’t do so. I never say I’m done with you or I never want to talk to you again.

I never say those things because even the friends that I’ve gone years without speaking to, because we had a fallout or whatever, I’ve never said those words to them because I totally knew that. There was a way to make amends that if they apologized or I apologized, or if we ran into each other in the street or somebody in your family passed away, I’m going to love on you.

There’s a situation in which I’m going to love on you. So if I’m not ready to walk away from you, I will not say it’s over. I will not say it’s done. But I might distance myself. I might retreat to within myself, and that’s just, you know, a defense mechanism might because I’m so emotional, I’m so sensitive.

And I feel like I’m getting hurt and I’m just trying to protect myself from getting hurt. And I do know that I risk that pain when I care about somebody. So just trying to balance that will make me, you know, get quiet for a little while. I don’t want to harass you all day because I could talk your ear off.

I definitely, so I’ll be like, wait, pause, let me chill. And that I don’t feel like is me not being myself. That’s me working on one of the things that I want to work going. I dealt with somebody for a very long time who had nothing but time, nothing but time. So will call me all day. So in going forward with the people who were in my circle, have stuff to do like to have stuff to do.

I multitask sometimes a little better than some of the people in my life and sometimes a little worse than other people, but either way. That’s me managing, like, you know, I just gotta, I care about this person. Let me be conscientious of their time. Let me respect their time. That is my authentic self, because I authentically care about how you’re experiencing me.

Okay. But I’m not going to like, not be talkative when we talk, I ain’t doing it. I’m not going to minimize how much I eat when I eat in front of you. Not doing it. I’m not going to all of a sudden stop eating all the foods you hate not doing that. I may not eat it with you, but I’m not going to scrap all of that from my diet, just so I can fit into who I think you want me to be.

Because most of the time when we do that, we wrong. We wrong because if the person truly cares about us, they’re like, you don’t have to do all of that. Like I recognize that I’m not with myself. You know, when you get hired for a job, they hired team members to execute certain tasks, all team members, not going to do the same thing.

All team members are not going to be subject matter experts in the same area. So they’re choosing you because of what you have something outside of what they have. So they want you to bring you how you developed your skill, all the lessons that are behind you that brought you to this moment. That’s what they’re choosing.

And that’s in romantic relationship, career wise, entrepreneurial, like all of that, you know, or just even when our kids letting my daughter enjoy her birthday party, we didn’t make a fuss. There was no fuss. She didn’t know that she was having more than one friend come over. She didn’t know, I didn’t do this whole, like, we’re going to go to gymnastics and dah, dah, dah.

And that stuff is great, but I’m like, listen, it’s COVID. We basic, she don’t like cake. I want to do the cake, the formality of singing, happy birthday. She likes when people sing happy birthday, she likes gathering around the cake. She likes blowing out the candle. Everybody else eats cake. She don’t eat cake.

So I realized that buying these $200 cakes that are, you know, beautiful and intricate and go to BJ’s and get the 15 allocate that they’re going to airbrush in the proper colors. I don’t even care if they got the cartoon character. She wanted me dumb hyped for the colors, which he was, and we sang happy birthday.

You know, everybody was getting cake. Mom, can I have a slice of cake? Sure. One bite in. Mom, you know, I don’t even like cake. Yeah, I know, go throw it in the trash, but I didn’t spend a lot of money on it. I didn’t spend a lot of money on it because I know who she is. And I’m like, this is, and I didn’t get mad at her for taking a slice of cake.

I knew she wasn’t going to eat it’s her birthday. All right. Because I managed it from the beginning because I knew who she was. I love her. For who she is. I recognize how she moves. And so I’m gone accommodate it, particularly our birthday on my accommodated. I’m going to do nothing fancy. Like I don’t have to do anything extra and she still loves me.

And I think about. Her clothing and stuff. Like, you know, my daughter don’t know nothing about no Jordans, you know, I see Jordans, or I see in max and I see air force ones. I’m like, Ooh, those are cute. But you know, I be thinking about how I’m not spending $50-60 on something that I’m gonna put on her feet for two, three months, because she’s not at the age where her feet going to stay the same size, where she’s collecting sneakers, where she can put on a pair not wear them for two, three months and then get back in them and wear them like, Oh, I ain’t wear this for a while. Let me wear them. She’s not alternate in every day. Plus at her school, she has to wear black sneakers. So she don’t know nothing about all of that because Mommy is like, I’m not breaking my bank.

It’s just my pocket, not breaking my bank for, and you’re forever growing, you know, as she gets older. Yeah. Well, I purchased the stuff that I would normally purchase for myself. Things that I like that I think are cute. Absolutely. But right now I’m like, I’m not going to spend money on stuff she’s grown out and she don’t care.

She don’t care. She’d be like, this is pink and purple is pretty. It came from Walmart. My mind she’d be like, I like Walmart. I like that store.

Okay. We can keep it simple, keep it G you know, she got a couple of things. Will I be like, Ooh, this polo was on sale, but it’s just like, fuck polo kind of way that like, not, not, you know what I’m saying? Like, she’s simple because I keep it simple and I realize that I don’t have to, I, and I learned that with my little sister, I used to buy her so many Christmas gifts.

The girl would go to sleep and be like, I’m tired. I’m going to sleep on my open this tomorrow. Like Christmas be done and she’d wake up the next day. Like I, and I guess I opened the rest of my gifts. Like we all used to do that because she was the baby of the family. It’s not necessarily show up who you are.

Sometimes I think as parents, we try not to discipline our kids because we think that, Oh, they’re going to love us any less. Or you’re going to look at me as the mean parent or whatever, but I’ve seen kids in situations where I should be like, they should never want to go home. Like, in my opinion, like, I don’t want to be around their mama.

But that’s they mom and they like, nah, that’s my mom. I’m going home. I’m going to be with my mom because they, at the end of the day, did they want to feel loved by that person? And if there’s an inkling of, I could be loved by this person and they’re going to go for it. So I don’t have to buy a hundred dollars sneakers for my daughter in order for her to think that I love her.

I don’t have to impress everyone outside of what she has on. In order for her to think that I love her and I care about her. And I think the world of her, my daughter is very confident that her mother thinks the world of her. Her mother thinks she’s the most beautiful, brilliant little child. She is my favorite person.

She’s so dope. And she knows that I think that, so it didn’t cost me a lot to let her know that I think that. So, and I feel like because of that, she’s always going to show up as herself as well, because it’s not hinged on something else. She’s not, it’s not hinged on impressing everybody that she comes across.

And as a young girl, I’m still trying to teach her that, you know, sometimes she gets her feelings hurt because certain people don’t want to play with her. And I’m just like mama, you know, and I have to explain to her that there are other people who will play with her and she can play with those people.

Or she can choose to play by herself because. She has her own stuff at home. And, and she’ll have time to think about what it is that she wants to think about. And she can lead her own way. She doesn’t have to follow. So just teaching that, not to hinge everything on trying to impress the people around you, just so that they give you the time of day.

Because I feel like that is where a lot of heartbreak comes from. That’s where a lot of disappointment comes from. If I’m hindering who I am, based upon who I’m in the room with. How do I function as myself? Who am I? Who am I? And how am I able to be by myself? If every time someone comes in the room, I’m hinging who I am upon them.

There’s so many people out there, so many people out there. So in every situation I have to show up as me and it’s either going to be okay with you and you going to enjoy it. And eat it up and let me eat up everything who you are or it’s going to be not enough. And you sadly we’ll walk away and you will hurt my feelings.

Yes. Or it’s going to be too much and you will walk away and you might hurt my feelings. But at the end of the day, that’s… Remember. I said, my spazz lasts about 10 minutes. That’s my hurt feelings. About 10 minutes. And then, um, I just recognize that like, I’m going to be right for the situation.

That’s right. For me, I’m going to be right for the circumstances that right. For me. I may feel all kinds of attachment. I may feel all kinds of, this is what I want. This is where I want to be. This is where, and that’s great. But if it’s not reciprocated on the other side, whether it be jobs situation, whether it be buying a house, there are houses dying.

This is the house I went and by the time I was ready, it was sold. And so it was like, okay, well that’s clearly not my house. Clearly. It’s not my house. You know, I just have to put myself in the mindset because I can’t convince myself that I keep missing out on something. I can’t convince myself, I keep missing opportunities.

I just don’t believe that I don’t believe it. I believe that I might come across a lot of almost there’s a lot of almost out there, but I’m going to be right for the situation as right for me. That’s just how I think. And you know, there’s somebody out there who think I’m crazy and that’s fine. It might be a bunch of yall.

Yeah, that’s fine. That’s fine. I’m going to be where I’m going to be, how I’m going to be and I’m going to progress. Okay. I saw a quote one day online and I think I retweeted it. I’m going to blossom whether you water me or not. I totally believe that. I totally will because I know I just said, I’ve worked on me.

I worked on me. I know what my worth is. I know what I’m bringing and I’m constantly getting better. So I’m just bringing more and more and more just consistently, like my table was never blink. There’s always something on it. So you can have a seat, build your own. We can put our tables together, whatever, how you can just decide that you don’t even want to be in the same room with me.

I’m good with all of it. I’m good with all of it. Because I’m going to be right for what’s right. For me, if you struggle with that mindset, I really encourage you to at least think about it because I think it will free you from the sadness and depression and the jolt of not getting what you want at the time you want it.

I really think it’s helpful in terms of how to move on and how look forward to the blessing that’s coming, not to dwell on the thing you believe you missed out on, but look forward to what’s coming. Take whatever lesson is offered you and get better and prepare for what’s coming. That’s my soap box.

That’s what I’m on today. Thanks for listening to me. I know I rambled on and on and on. It’s actually a longer show than normal, but I had to get that off. It was definitely on my mind of course, because that’s all I do is just think about it from my mouth. But anyway, if you would like to invest in the evolution, you can definitely pick up some of my books on Amazon.

Long Neck Bottles was my first book. If you’re ever interested in finding out about my journey when I quit corporate and decided to pursue writing full time long neck bottles is a non-fiction book that will help you understand that. And maybe you might find some gems that may hope you make the next move in your life.

My fiction works In Her Makeup is available on Amazon books on Kindle as well as Audible. So if you want to pick that up, it’s in her makeup by Phoenix dash. If you’re into romance, I would definitely suggest my novel delectable, a sweet romance, which is also available on Amazon books. It’s available on Kindle, Kindle unlimited.

Kindle app. So I don’t know if you know that the app for Kindle is free on phones or tablets or whatever. So you can download that. If you’re into erotica, touch me first was my first book that like hit the erotic charts. So I was very proud of that. Although I feel like I could have pushed the envelope a little bit more.

So I was like, this is erotica for y’all. I might have some more stuff come to me. Cause I’m like, uh, okay. But yeah, it’s a fun book. I’ve gotten a lot of great reviews, a lot of good feedback for it. So that and Delectable. So I think you guys should check it out. But my baby, who, my baby, my street lit series, Savage Fever.

So episodes one and two are both available on Amazon Kindle and Kindle unlimited. Episode three is coming this month. So November 27th. Yes. Such a calendar is not long from now. Episode three of Savage fever. Honey is something, something, something. Anyway, thank you guys for checking me out. If you want to hit up my inbox, um, at P writes on Instagram, I’m also at P writes on Twitter.

Thank you so much for chilling with me the next time we can exchange power, I will be so ready for you, please.

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