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Phoenix Ash

 

It’s not always easy to speak your mind and say exactly what it is you would like but working on your assertiveness can help you both in your workplace and in other areas of your life. One of the main benefits of being assertive is that it can increase your self-confidence as you gain a better understanding of who you are and the value that you offer. In this episode, Phoenix will be sharing her experience with this and how she plans to improve upon her assertiveness in the future.

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Phoenix: Yo, what’s up? It’s your girl. Phoenix ash. Welcome to life as a pig . I’m gonna take my earrings out for a second so that they don’t like knocking against the mic and all of that Nala my bamboo hoops. Yo, what’s up? Welcome to life. Sp I’m your host, Phoenix Ash. If this is your first time joining me, thank you. I’m glad you stopped by. I don’t know if it was from Twitter or Facebook wherever I G but glad you’re here. If you are a repeat listener, what helped Oh, you already know I’ve got my love for you. I appreciate everything. All the love you guys sent me in my inbox on Twitter and Instagram, which is @ pwrites. By the way, it’s true, I just love us conversing. Talking about the show, talking about other topics. It’s really good. It feels like I really know you guys. So I’m gonna get straight into it. I’m still like in my whirlwind, there’s a lot going on, just all the time, all the time, trying to sell my house trying to buy a new house, trying to just, you know, get myself together, give me in Saudi, you’re going in this new phase of life for both of us. It’s no longer about me, right. So it’s not just me having a new phase. But you know, she’s five, and she’s got to go through some transformation, hopefully, come out unscathed. I’m gonna do my best to make sure that is the situation. And but there’s a lot going on. In all that’s going on, you know, some people who are close to me have their own stuff that’s going on. And you know, I’m trying to do my best to be there. In some stuff, I probably take on a little too much. Because, you know, the more I care about you, the more emotionally I’m connected to your problem. And I feel like, you know, this thing is happening to me and I legit cry over you’re like, what are you going through? Because I can’t help you or because I’m as frustrated as you. So yeah, I’m a little emotional sometimes. But I do not turn my emotions off. So unfortunately, for some people, I ended up appearing a little colder, suddenly, but I see a different show. Not gonna talk about that right now. That’s a different show. Well, we are going to talk about though, is, are you saying what you want? You know, I had a conversation with my friend. And we’re talking about the situation that’s present. And as I’m asking him, I’m also asking myself, like, when you go through things with your job or with your family or with you know, whatever, your siblings, your best friend, whomever? How often do we assert what it is that we want? I know for myself, like I’m often in, I don’t know, evaluation mode, like you tell me what you want. And I either can or cannot give it to you. Right. And I think that a lot of us are in that boat, you know, how does this align with what I want? Or not, but like, are we actively asserting what it is that we want? You know, it goes along with talking to the universe, right? Are we actively saying out loud, what it is that we want, I want a new job, I want to be a successful writer, I want to be an incredible Mom, I don’t know, I want to be in a relationship, I want to be married, I want to be whatever it is, are we actively asserting what we want? And then once we assert it, do our actions line up with that thing. And I probably talked about this before, if not this year, definitely last year or the year before. But as you know, I’ve said before that some revelations come back around more than once, because it’s an ongoing process. And sometimes we forget what we already learned. And we forget the tools that we’ve already sharpened. And we just got to be reminded. So this is my reminder for me to assert what it is that I want. You know, I don’t want to constantly be in a position where I’m asking myself cannot service you and cannot provide what you want. Because it doesn’t say that yes or no is more I would say customer centric, right? It’s very outward. Okay, but we need something that’s inward that balances what would make us happy that balances the thought of how am I going to serve myself? How am I going to benefit in this situation? Am I making too much of a sacrifice? And am I not making enough of a sacrifice? What is it, but we need to balance what it is, what we want, and what people want from us. And, you know, we know that that’s not often the same thing. But when we’re deciding how much of ourselves we can compromise, we have to take ourselves into account. Sometimes, like I get in trouble, because I’ll evaluate whether I could give you what it is that you need. And it’s strictly about my ability. It doesn’t take my mental health into consideration. It doesn’t take my heart into consideration. It’s strictly about Can I actually do this? And it’s like, yeah, I can do it physically. Yes, I could do it. Theoretically, yes, I could do it. But if I take myself into account, can I really do it? Do I feel like a martyr? Am I putting myself on the line? What will make me say yes to this? Why am I saying yes to this? And is it a yes, I can deal with it? Is it a yes, I can live with it. They don’t know what I can live with? Is this a no, that I feel like I should say something that I don’t necessarily want to say, and two years down the road, I’m gonna be like, Why just do what I felt and just live and worry about it later? I don’t know. So I constantly have to remind myself that when I’m thinking about what somebody wants from me, I have to take me into consideration not just about my ability, you know, somebody will want you to love me. I mean, I can love you. I can. But what does that mean for me? Does it mean that I neglect myself? Does it mean that I accept your bullshit? Does it mean that I’m the one carrying all the bills? What does it mean? What does it mean, for me? That was a hard lesson for me to learn because I feel like when I first got my ex husband, my thought process was really about how he felt for me, and whether or not I could provide what I thought was necessary for him. And it really didn’t take me into account. I didn’t think about what it was that I needed, and what it was that I might need going forward. You know, he felt this little void that I had, I wanted a partner, I wanted somebody who was gonna ride with me. And I don’t even think that I weighed out truth or weighed out actions. You know, I took your word for you. All right, I’ve arrived. We are on right now, of course, I was very young. I was in my 20s. You know, when we got together, I was 21. And, you know, hopefully the 21 year olds in your life, or if you’re a 21 year old that you have way more sense, patience, internal understanding all of that than what I had. But I have none of that. And I just, I don’t really think I took myself into account. I think I was just trying to please. And, you know, if someone would just acknowledge me for chime in, please, then you know, they will arrive me because like, it’s stupid not to. But I’m older now. Life doesn’t look like that any more. Because now if I decide that I’m a quote unquote, ride for you, I’m taking myself into account. I’m taking what I’m sacrificing for me or what I’m gaining for me. I’m very aware, very present of the thought of what is happening. And I’m very accepting of the idea that I don’t care if I said forever. If it ain’t working for me, if it’s screwing me on the back end, if it got me crazy, if it got me hurt, and if it got me to it, I’m not going to stay in stand. It doesn’t matter how much I said I was going to ride. I ain’t doing that shit. No Mo. Like, I’m very okay with that. So I think I’m in a different spot. As you know, I do give a lot of myself to people that I care about. But it’s because I feel as though I’ve received a lot from them. So there’s some sort of balance that’s going on in my life and my time, and I put value on certain things that people are bringing to my life. And once I put value on those things, I decide what the value is when I pay it. When I’ve repaid What am I repaying it with, but I constantly Take me into account. Because if I don’t who will, if I don’t think about myself and think about how I’m going to benefit, it sounds great to be like, oh, let’s be selfless, and you know, just do everything, it doesn’t work. It doesn’t work, I’ve worked for a company, that their claim to fame is that they’re customer centric. And it’s really like an outward mentality and working for that company, and experiencing how little the employees feel are being done for them. I hold no candle to that customer centric idea. And it’s, it’s not fair, right? Like, if customers mean that much to you. And you have a team of people who are going to service your customers who mean this much to you, then you should theoretically, understand how much your team of people mean to you, and act accordingly. And take care of them as such. So the whole idea of being outward focused, is not one that works for me. It’s not because I see how it doesn’t work, I see how morale is low, I see how people are doing their jobs, because they feel like they’re being forced to, I hear conversations, you know, where people talk about their dreams and aspirations and what they will prefer to do. And the reason why they’re not pursuing them is because they’ve drunk the Kool Aid. And they’ve decided that this place is the only place as long as they pay you a certain amount of money to do a certain amount of things. It holds you in place, it sticks you, and the whole time that you go into it, that you’re not taking you into account. You know, I can stay at this job longer, because theoretically, I could do the job. The job is not hard. I can do the job. Okay. But are you taking your happiness into account? Are you taking how you exist into account? You need to say it, and you need to say it out loud, you need to assert what it is that you want, what do you want your life to look like? How do you want to design it? I say all the time, like when I set out to do this podcast, you know, if you were here in our early, early seasons, you would know that, you know, I was very intentional, or what kind of circle I wanted to build, you know, I talked a lot about who I want to in my space and how I wanted them in my space that I wanted to be able to eat off each other’s plates. And I want us to, you know, without question or without putting each other down, easily, willingly give to each other, and help each other elevate without, you know, the suspicion that somebody is there to use you. Because you have so much practice with these people in your life, and so much practice weight, gaining successes with the circle, that it’s not a question, you do not have to worry, you don’t have to look over your shoulder, you don’t have to twist your mouth or bite your lip and say I’m not sure. Because you have been living in this circle of elevation and support and encouragement for so long, you know your people. And I was just very intentional with building that kind of circle for myself. And that meant some weight had to get cut. Like here, you have to cut a little for things to grow a lot. The difference is, you know, I’m saying I had to cut a little so that the areas that I wanted to expand in my life had room to grow. But I had to say it, I had to say what it was I wanted and I couldn’t be afraid of who it made me once I said it. I think a lot of times when we go through life and we say you know, I don’t know what it is that I want. I’m not sure what I want. I think that that’s fear. I think you have an inclination to what it is that you want. But one, you’re afraid of what makes you if you actually say that’s what you want. And two, if that’s not the case, it’s the uncertainty, well, maybe I’m wrong. Maybe I want that and think I want that. But in two years, I may decide that I don’t want that. And I’m just trying to figure out who told you that that wasn’t okay. It’s okay to change your mind. It’s okay to be in a different place two years from now. It’s okay to be in a different place five years from now. It’s okay. You know, I don’t owe you a life sentence. And you don’t owe me a life sentence. And that’s, you know, a job career, you know, significant other whatever. You don’t owe me. You don’t owe me that. You know. You don’t owe me a life of being indentured to me because our quote unquote role. No, what we owe ourselves is opening a mouse saying what it is that we want And finding the things that line up with that to go get what we want, go get what you want. But say, this deals to be made when people be like, Damn, if you would have just told me if you would have just told me I could have helped with x y&z if we could have just talked about it, we could have did X, Y, and Z, you know, sometimes it’s just put, you have to say, say, face it, don’t be afraid, face it,particularly if it’s not something that’s physically or mentally or emotionally harming to someone else. Now, if that’s your case, say and say it’s a therapist, because you might have something that you need to help, you need the help to get worked through. So either way, I’m encouraging you to say, What is it? Put your finger on it, and then watch it come to life. That’s how it works. That’s really how it works. We are so empowered. I feel like we just don’t tap into how much power we have. We are so empowered. That’s why, you know, affirmations work. I’m beautiful, I’m intelligent, I’m incredible, I’m successful. I do my own thing. I’m creative. I’m, I’m a bad chick, yeah.

All of that, all of that, all those affirmations and all of that they work. And they work because we’re saying it out loud to the universe. It’s not just the work, the work definitely needs to be done. Because I feel like the work raises a hand to the universe to say, here I am. And I’m ready. But it’s okay for the universe to hear you to not just wait until the universe happens to glance your way, and give you a morsel of what it is that you want. But legit, Say it, say it, think of the universe as a person and just like say it and know that when you say what you want, it resonates. And it rings through the air of the universe. And things start to align, things start to align. So say, you know, I want to sell content to television sets. And that’s legit my wife, right? But you know, at first I was like, Oh, no, but you know, the processes, they put you want to show first, and the processes are gonna go through this whole first season and the process the process the process, to the point where it got me so afraid to assert what it was that I want? Because it was almost like, Well, does this really exist? And if it does exist, does it exist for me? Is this like an extenuating circumstance? Is it just helpful for somebody who’s already been doing it for a while, so you have to know certain people or whatever, but at the end of the day, I just gotta say it, speak it up to the universe, tell the universe what I want, and then look for the ways that the universe has already set in place for me to pursue a saying it sometimes you gotta say it for yourself to hear it. What does it sound like to you? Does it sound like it is worth your time? Does it sound like it’s worth your grind? Because if it does, say it, and go get it, go get it. It’s yours. You’ve been calling this name for this long. Stay it and go get it. That’s what I want for you. That’s what I want for myself. What I want for my circle. I absolutely love the people I have around me now. Absolutely. From top to bottom, the skin to core level is anything that I will tell any of them. What do you want? And how do we go get it for you? How do we do it? Wait, let’s do it. Let’s do it. Alright, that’s my time. Yeah. If you want to purchase any of my books, please feel free to go on Amazon. The writer Phoenix Ashe. A lot of my books are on Kindle. I think almost all of them should be on Kindle. If you have the Kindle app or even the Kindle itself knows all available a lot of stuff you can download for free or for 99 cents you know it’s really convenient so particularly if you’re a traveler who likes to read you know definitely suggest you at least download the app if you don’t feel like buying and Kindle but yeah, you know my books are all there touch me first is my favorite and it sells the best touch me first between touch me first and delectable. But oh no cookies in crumbles has a has a pretty safely Some are I don’t know. I don’t know. So I think her makeup. Alright. I don’t know. Let’s not call out faves because I’m doing a bad job at it. But yes, my books are available on Amazon. They’re available on Kindle. They’re available on Kindle unlimited. I have a couple of them that’s available on Audible. So if that’s your thing, definitely hit up audibly See what’s up? Look for me Phoenix ash. I know her makeup is on there. My nonfiction longneck bottles may actually be there too, but I’m not sure. But yeah, hit up your kid. If you’re sweaty on Instagram, you know, you may notice that I talked about the shirts that my daughter made. She watches YouTube shows, and really just follows instructions and creates these drawings that I think are so beautiful and for her to be five years old. And as you know, following these instructions is awesome to me. So if you want to purchase a shirt, we’re saving up for her to go to art school. You can definitely hit up see you different, or I believe his name is uncle RJ but I think there’s an underscore between uncle and RJ on Twitter. He’s also on Instagram, but you know, hit him up or hit me up. You know, our related message if you feel like no ravages reach out to me on Twitter. That’s fine to do that. But yeah, we’re selling t-shirts. She has one mood, one call hungry. She’s received overwhelming support. And you know, it’s teaching my five year old how to be an entrepreneur. So you know, it’s all gravy in the wild. She is the epitome of saying what you want. She doesn’t care if you ain’t going to give it to her. She doesn’t care if she says it. And then if she thinks by chance you didn’t hear her she’s gonna repeat it. Okay, she is the bomb at saying what she wants. Like you will never, she’s not going back down. She’s gonna tell you what she wants. And I love that about her. Even though there’s times where I’m like, Lord girl, you can’t have it or whatever. But for the most part, I love it about her that she asserts what she wants and then she figures out how happy going to get it. This girl is good for 30 suggestions? Yeah. Okay, well, maybe my babies will determine. Anyway, reach out to let me know what’s good. Again. I’m at p writes on twitter at p writes on Instagram and as p w r it as hit me up, let me know. Maybe you got an idea for an upcoming show or you just want to bounce some stuff around or maybe even talk about something that’s existed. Let’s do that. Let’s do that. Until the next time when we can exchange power. Love you guys. Peace.

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