Phoenix: Hello! What’s the deal. Welcome to life as P if this is your first time listening. Thank you. I appreciate you joining me. I am your host, Phoenix, Ash. If you are a repeat listener, good luck and thanks for coming back. Appreciate you. You know, I got love for all of you guys, especially y’all who got like lots of conversation for me.
I love talking offline. Cause you guys cracked me up. If you’ve listened before, you know that I do things about like messages that have been coming through me as I go through my journey, evolving as a writer, producer, script writer, single mom. And if you follow me for a while, you know that that’s not how I started my journey, but here I end and I don’t have any regrets right now, which is a very important place for me to be in my life because two years ago, if you would have sat me down offline, right?
Not necessarily on the show, but if you just sat me down and maybe on the show, I don’t know if I recorded any of those thoughts, but I had a lot of regrets, a lot of. Contemplation about like where I felt I was moving wrong, or I had accepted something in my life for a long period of time. And that truly wasn’t emotionally healthy for me.
It’s not, you know, definitely not a man bashing session. So I do have those though. I can’t find, I do have those cause you know, I’m in my dating stage. Right. So go through, meet people who have. They’re just abnormal. I don’t know. I was describing people out here. Be crazy. Like I tell you some of the stories, my goodness.
Oh my God. You got to listen to when me and Jess from SayWHA Radio, when we do our crossover shows, yo subscribe to SayWHA Radio cause that’s how you’ll really know about the crossover shows, but. Yo be like, what’s wrong with people. Yeah. Every once in a while you notice, I don’t know, but either way, it’s just, it’s crazy, Lord.
I pray for consistency, but anyhow, I wanted to talk to you guys today about what voice you’re listening to, like whose voice do you hear? And the reason why I wanted to talk about this is because there was an incident that when I was on site with my sponsor and I had to deal with someone who was coming in, looking for work.
And although the incident was just a day in my week, I feel like it impacted me enough to think about it the next day. And then I really wasn’t sure like what other messages will come in early in the week because. I really was just trying to contemplate, like what would make someone act this way? What would make someone come to a place that they want to be employed by an act, a damn fool?
And it just occurred to me that it’s because this is the message that’s coming to me, has gone block out all. And I really want to know whose voice this person was listening to it. And the reason why I say that is because, like I said, they came to a place of employment. Looking for a job and things were not necessarily going the way that they wanted to.
They came in hot. Okay. They have been there before applying for a job and there was an error in some background stuff that was done and it needed to come up back again. And they truly were not appreciative of the fact that they had to come back again, where I could see the annoyance. You taking time out your day to do something twice.
I get that. However, the other option could have been to not call you back and you just not have a job, like suck on those rocks. Like, I don’t know. So I felt like. You know, and, and the guy was the guy and he was like going ballistic. He was rolling up, you know, getting way too close to people. We got a whole pandemic out here.
People are already afraid to get sick. There are so many people who are working from home. Who are caring for their children. So the people who are going into an office or to a warehouse, or to wherever grocery store, wherever they can going every day, there’s like a undertone of fear for a lot of those people.
Every day they fail. I feel like, you know, there’s a group of people will feel like, you know, I’m putting my life on the line in order to make a living. And I’m trying to. Submit to what the requirements are in order for me to make the living that I need. And that’s a undertone. No, you try to go about your day and you try to interact with people the best way possible.
But when someone closes in on your space, you know, there’s a different kind of defense mechanism that goes up, like, don’t get me wrong. I’m one of those people. Prior to the pandemic. If I don’t know you and you get too close to me, I’m offended. I’m stepping back. I’m stepping to the side, I’m asking you like, Oh, can you move back just a little bit, please?
You know, that’s just me because you know, my personal space is reserved for me and my persons. I don’t know. You please do not roll up on me. So anyhow, this person like active, full was not listening to what the. Process was, did not realize that the person they were talking to would be accommodating them.
So like they came, they didn’t have an appointment. So they thought they had an appointment, they received the email and you know, the person at the check in desk is like, you know, my appointment list. However, however, I’m going to see if I can make you an appointment today. And. And they were like, I’m not making no appointment and dah, dah, dah.
And I really think it just didn’t correlate for him that disappointment that was necessary because these people see people appointment only that when the check-in person said, they’re going to make an appointment, they were saying, I’m going to make an appointment. Like, I’m going to give you an appointment for today so that I can service you today so that I can see you today.
But I think that. The guy was so like far in his head and so hot and so resolved to being upset that he couldn’t really hear that there was a solution being presented. He couldn’t hear it so far. And I’m just like, what voice is that? That’s your voice. You’re speaking to yourself. So what voice are you speaking to yourself in?
Because I would hate. And I’m sure I have, but I would hate to, to like know that I’m in a position where I’m so caught up in the passion of my emotions, that I don’t hear the solution being presented right there in my face that I don’t give a person a chance to say, Hey, this is the deal is it’s not that bad that I’ve already decided that my day is bad.
My week is bad. My situation is bad that everything is so bad. I’ve already decided that I’m in a bad space. I’m in a bad mood. I’m annoyed that I don’t hear another voice, but my own, I feel like that’s a dangerous place to be. It really is because, you know, particularly when you are trying to pursue your dream or trying to pursue your goals, your career, your passions, when you’re trying to pursue those things and something doesn’t go, right.
Because a lot of times something doesn’t go, right. Okay. If we could all choreograph everything to go, right. Things wouldn’t happen. You know what I mean? So like, There’s a lot of occasions where things just don’t go right. So how do we like step outside of ourselves and keep ourselves calm enough to be able to hear or see the solution being presented?
Because I know for myself, a lot of times when I looked back on situations, I’d be like, you know, what if I just shut up. For a second. That solution was right there. It was sitting the whole time when I saw the solution, it hadn’t moved. It didn’t get closest to me. It didn’t wave his hand. It didn’t do any of that.
I just went, I finally muted myself. I was able to see or hear what it was, and it was simple nine times out of 10. It’s a simple solution. And I can just, you know, scoop up on it real quick. And I felt like if this guy would just take a second, get out of his head, shut the fuck. He would have known. And he not only was he so far in his voice.
And I feel like this happens to not only, he’s so focused on his own emotion, on his own voice that he kept escalating, but like no one was escalating with him. He was. Escalating his self. And it was like, boy, work yourself up. You know, by the time he got to the door, he had told a checkin person, fuck you.
And I’m just like, so you given up on the job, Sam, like me, you’ve given up on it. You decided you don’t want the job like that to me, like you just made the decision for yourself. So not only did you come down the first time and go through the process, the first time you submitted enough, right? You obliged you, you did enough.
So come down the second time. So you come the second time, but you still leave without that job. You still leave without doing the necessary process in order to make it to the next step. So you had already determined that your second trip would be a waste of time and you fulfilled your own prophecy. You already made the determination that this is going to be a waste of time.
And so. Your actions went in line with what you were resolved to and you fulfilled your own prophecy unnecessarily. How many times do we do that? Like how many times do we just determined that this is going to be a waste of time? You know, I have look as a woman, the story isn’t new. I’m not the only one who’s experienced it.
Other women are not, you know, alone and experiencing it, but like, you know, you. Get into a new relationship or are you getting into a new situationship? Right. Cause there’s a lot of that going on. Um, you get into a new situation. Yeah. And you had determined that this person is going to hurt me. Maybe it’s because, well, you know, I liked them too much.
And when I like someone, this amount, it never turns out well, Or I like him too fast. And so, because you going on, who knows the invisible timeline that you going on, somebody said, it’s too bad. Somebody said that, you know, somebody somewhere is trying to set up blockers for you. Don’t do that. Do not go on somebody else’s timeline because.
I’m going to tell you, I have, and you know, social media is crazy, right? You can’t live your life by social media because first of all, it’s going to have you confused because as much information as there is to support one thing, there’s just as much information to support something else. So if you live your life based upon that, you will literally be in a state of confusion and you would just Jack yourself up.
So, like, I see like stuff like, you know, if you not married, I don’t know. However many years of dating or if after however many years he’s still not ready, then you’re not his wife Sis. Like, because the man knows. You know right away and whatever. And I feel like for some men not might be true. However, I’ve also seen other men in situations where they’ve dated someone for a long time.
You know, my homeboy, he’s an example. He’s been with his girl for. I dunno, maybe like five, six years. And he just recently proposed to her. But when you see him talk about her, that is that’s his baby. That is his bull. You can’t say nothing. That is his girl. And he going to hold her down to the ends of the earth.
Ends of the earth. And if she went on somebody else’s timeline, if she listened to, you know, the inner voice that’s created by modeling yourself after people, you don’t know, she would have walked away from something that she was totally comfortable with. She was totally invested in, she’s not the type of person she has not like harassed.
Like when we get married, when we get married, you know, she just. They just had a good vibe and they kept with a good vibe. They’re both goal oriented. They’re pursuing their passions, pursuing their dreams. They’re just pushing. And, you know, the time was right when the time was right. So, you know, sometimes you do want to listen to your own voice, but.
You want to weigh out things properly. You don’t want to create this inner voice based upon things that your resolve to like this should be okay, this way, X, Y, and Z. And if it’s not this way, I’m going to act the whole fucking fool. Like, you know, she could have easily been like, you know, well, my parents dated for two years before they got married.
And so it’s this way. And after two years, I’m going to act the whole flipping ass because you’re not marrying me. Like. No, I don’t do that. Don’t be so resolved and like, okay. It didn’t happen on my timeline. And I think that the guy who came in for the job, that’s what happened. He came in for process and he expected a particular timeline.
He expected to hear back. He got a job. He expected to get a start date. He expected some things. And when they came back and said ever that email that came in, that came in from the company, he probably was excited to open that email and finding out that there was, that ever was a disappointment. And I get the disappointment.
I do, it happens, like I said, you know, you’ve been through relationships. So whatever you get disappointed by people, well, people can be extremely disappointing, but yeah, can’t be so resolved that this is going to be the same, you know, maybe he. You know, been turned down for jobs in the past. Maybe, you know, things had not been going right.
Maybe he was having baby mama drama. I don’t know, boyfriend drama. I don’t know whatever it was that was going on with him. He was stuck in it. And he only heard the voices of that. He heard that I’m pissed, I’m annoyed. This is a waste of my time and everything he did was in line with those thoughts. And he fulfilled his own prophecy.
Hopefully he predicted that he wasn’t going to get a job because then, you know, at least he’d be right in some area. So like, you know, back on our relationship stuff, like my homeboy and my home girl, like. Loved them, but you know, they couldn’t go based upon like this strict, like, this is what my expertise and you know, this is a big thing for me because when I have expectations, yeah.
It’s very difficult for me to let go. And so that’s why I know this was a message for me know. Oh, it was when I have set expectations. It is crushing to let them go. When people present themselves to be a certain kind of way, or to be a certain, to have a certain level of integrity, to be thorough, you know, I’m from the Buffalo, right.
I’m from Brooklyn. So I’m like, I’m from the Thoreau borough. I expect you to be authentic. I expect, I like you to keep your word. I expect that even if the truth is hard, she’ll share it with me and understand that it’s my responsibility to work out how I’m gonna take it. So I get disappointed a lot and I have these expectations and it’s heartbreaking.
It really is to go through the process of being disappointed by people. It really is like, I have expectations like this is gone. I’ve disappointed myself, you know, Savage Fever, you know, that’s my baby, that’s the series that’s out now. And I had intentions of releasing episode two earlier this month. Now it’s not going to be long before it comes because I’ve turned it in.
Yeah, baby, however, my expectations weren’t met and it was like a crushing blow and I’ve really had to sit with my emotions and sit with my feelings. And I was like, yeah, but you know, you set this expectation. You also though told yourself, like, I don’t know how I’m gonna make it. I don’t know how I’m gonna get there.
I’ll know if this, you know, date makes sense for me. And so everything you did in line fell with that, it did everything I did in line. So with that, because that’s the voice I heard. That was the voice I was listen to that. I don’t know if that doubt that doubt. Like, I don’t know if this, because I’ll tell you that book could have been finished.
There was nights that I was like, I’m just going to go to sleep. Okay. There was times where yes, it was hectic when I was on site with my sponsor, but I had the opportunity to be like, you know what? Talk to my coworkers, let me walk away for an hour or something. Let me know, just get some work done. And they totally would have supported that, but I didn’t do it because I was already full of doubt.
I was already thinking that I was not going to make this deadline and saw they make it. Cause I was consumed with that. I was consumed with doubt. I didn’t make it because that’s all I heard was the doubt. And you would think that as much as I do this podcast, I talk myself into some good shit, but it did not.
I did not. I’m going to try not to do episode three. Cause I got to get that shit out. I’m sorry. You know, if you sensitive to my cursing, I feel like I curse more often than I used to, but such as life, anyhow, I just need you to ask yourself, Oh my God, the train is passing by and it’s just going to beep all my life, but whatever, I’ll blow his horn rather.
It’s not a beep. And I’m sitting outside because, you know, I love outside, but anyhow, what I’m saying, it’s like, whose voice are you listening to when you pursuing your goals and you’re pursuing your passions and you are trying to level up or just push harder or like it’s within grasp, like. Make sure that you listen into the right voice and how, you know, it’s the right voice is because it’s encouraging because it’s telling you that you can do it because it’s telling you that you can push past.
It’s telling you that you can grab the pinnacle is telling you that it’s right there. It’s telling you that you have accomplished so much and you have overcome so much that what’s another thing. So overcome. What’s another thing to accomplish. That’s how, you know, it’s the right voice. That’s how, you know, now not to say the doubt doesn’t play a role or fear doesn’t play a role.
Right? Because that, I feel like is our protection mechanism to say like, you know, hold on a second. Let’s think about this a second. Okay. That’s okay. I feel like, you know, to listen to both voices made, serve a purpose. However, I’m like don’t get stuck in the wine. Don’t get stuck in a line for real. Some people stuck in the positive voice, a little too much.
I know it sounds crazy, but some people get stuck in a positive voice, too much. You know who those people are, the people who keep harassing their professors or harass the job that they want and come and keep calling and keep going up there to the point where they ruin their reputation. And they’re like, I can’t hire you because look, the guy you then the damn fool, but his wasn’t a positive situation, but you know what I’m saying?
Like, I’m trying to get a status update. Let me call, let me call. Let me call. I had one job where. Somebody was looking for and status update today, interview and Oh my God. That person didn’t just call every day, they call like three times a day. Like they was trying to catch the decision maker in the middle of making a decision or in the middle of their thought process or something.
And it was just like, yo dog, I know you want this. And I know you’re saying, but my thing is, is like maybe, you know what that’s about that example. Cause I’m like maybe the positive voice wasn’t active because the positive voice would have told you it was yours and that you didn’t have to do all of that.
I’m a firm believer in what’s yours. Got your name on it. So I will put out my effort. I will do my best, but I’m not going, you know, do cartwheels around the subject and thinking that like, you know, this is how I’m gonna make it mine, because when I’ve ever tried that, and I’ve talked about this on the show before, when I’ve ever tried to.
Force something I may accomplish it, but the aftermath is nasty. It’s nasty. It’s like, yo, why did I even force that? It didn’t work out in my favor, in the long run. So I try to be chill and just try to be like, yo, if it’s mine, it’s mine. I did the best that I could. I put the best effort, same thing in relationships for a while.
I think that that is like just adopting that mindset over the past couple months has helped me deal with my disappointment in people is just. Like, you know, if what we got going on between you and I, if that’s supposed to be for me and I’m supposed to be for you, then it’s going to be, but I’m not going to do cartwheels around you, cartwheels around the subject.
You know, there was a time where I would do cartwheels. You know, I was in a whole marriage for half my life. It was cartwheeling around a whole bunch of stuff in order to make it happen and make it forced. But. Here we are here. We are in this result where we are not together. And although I feel better for it, I feel like it was a long time coming in, should have came long time ago.
This is something that should have ended five years ago. Thank God it didn’t because my daughter’s going to be five and. I couldn’t imagine her being anybody else than who she is. And fortunately slash unfortunately, like she can’t be who she is without having that little bit of me and a little bit of him, like, that’s what makes her who she is.
She, she has her own self and her own self awareness and her own identity, but she has some of my traits. She has some of his, yeah. And, you know, they come up with a mix to make, you know, her personality and I love her to death. So, but yeah, like just who voice are you listening to? What voice are you listening to?
Is it that voice of doubt or is it that voice of victory? And that thing that says, you know, you got it and if you don’t got it, it wasn’t yours. You put your best foot forward. It wasn’t choice. You know, when I meet someone and we got a good vibe and let me tell you. I don’t meet a lot of people that I got a good vibe with.
Did I tell y’all about my date from hell? Oh my God. I don’t know. We might do that on a crossover show. Cause it was horrible. It was really, really, really, really bad. I was like, Ooh, why? Nah, it was just like, what is wrong with you? Anyway? I feel like that should be my next show. What is wrong with you?
Because I’ve been asking that question a lot. Sometimes I’m myself. Anyway, I just want you to like, keep note of the voice that you listened into because we do sometimes self fulfill our prophecies by sticking. And that’s the whole reason why people say, you know, do self affirmations in the morning or in the afternoon, or at night before you go to bed, like look in the mirror and say all these positive things, because.
Once your mind starts to believe those positive things. All your actions are going to be in line with that. And you very well have the power to fulfill your prophecy. But if you don’t believe that, and you’re focused on the doubt and you’re focused on the disbelief focused on the unit. No, I’m tired. I don’t want to do this is, this is, you know, too much for me.
It’s gone be too much for you. Once you have declared that this is too much for me, it’s going to be too much for you. So, you know, decide what it is that you want to declare and give yourself the freedom to change your mind. I’m one of those people, Oh, you all, you know, my parents would be like you all over the place, you can’t focus on anything.
One thing. And I used to think that that was a bad thing until I got older. And I started to realize Lou, because maybe I’m gifted in more than one area. And the wildest thing is that those different areas where I’m gifted, they actually kind of play into each other one feeds off the other one makes the other better.
So in a way it is a focus just because you’re outside of the gift because you’re outside of the creativity, you just couldn’t target it. You couldn’t figure it out and it wasn’t for you to target it. Wasn’t for you to figure out it was for me, it was for me. So there’s that? Alright. Y’all I know I’ve talked to arrow cause that’s what I do, right.
If you want to hit me up, definitely do that. Um, @pwrites on Instagram, @pwrites on Twitter yall sometimes my tweets are like, kind of reckless, but you just gotta love me anyway. It was like, just. Just roll. It’s just roll please. Don’t chastise though. Oh my God. I can’t stand when somebody is like, take this down and, you know, sit the hell down.
Anyway. If you want to check out like how my evolution is going, particularly if you’ve like, know how to show began and so forth and you want to check out some books, touch me first, which was my first erotica. And it debuted at number one on a black erotica charts on Amazon. You could definitely pick that up.
It’s available on Kindle, Kindle, unlimited it’s available on paperback. That’s available now who Delectable a sweet romance that, you know, it was my first romance novel. That was my first like real true romance. And I’m so proud of it cause I really enjoyed writing it and I enjoyed reading it when I went back over it.
So. That too is available on Amazon books. It’s available on Kindle and Kindle Unlimited. Savage fever, which is the first episode in my series. Savage fever. I got a lot of great feedback. I’m telling you is literally like two. Yeah. And a book. Pick it up. Yeah, drop Savage is a beast yo. She is a true beast.
Pick it up episode, who is coming right behind it. So you want to just like strap up with episode one and know what’s happening. So you don’t come in like, wait, what? Yo, it’s dope. As I’m definitely proud of it. This is probably like, this is my baby here. And my pride and joy. I’m sure. I’ll have a lot more to say next week.
And so the next time when we could it power, love you. Peace.