Showing Up As Me

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life as p
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Phoenix Ash


A person’s true colours will always show with time, so why slow the process down by not being your true self? In this episode, Phoenix shares her thoughts on the thin line between putting your best foot forward and pretending you do not come with any flaws. Listen in as she explains how she has learned to be her most authentic self, regardless of whether people like her or not!

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Savage Fever
Touch Me First
In Her MakeUp
Soiled Sheets
Cookies & Crumbles


Phoenix: What’s the deal, guys. This is your host P this is life as P. I’m glad that you made it. Thank you. If you are a repeat listener, I appreciate your support, your continued support. If you are a new listener. Thanks for checking me out. Appreciate it. If you’ve listened to the show before you know that I talk about the themes of my week and everything that.

Has been going on in my home journey to evolve as an author podcaster, which actually as an all star, it was just my evolution as becoming an author and following my dreams and following my passion. And of course the whole podcasting just kind of blew out the water for me. And then the different nuances that take place in my life that contribute to who I am becoming.

Sometimes that includes being a single mom. Going through a divorce, working for a sponsor, having some entrepreneurship issues. I have a small business on the side where I do synopsis for other writers. It’s a pain point for a lot of writers. So definitely have a place where I fit in because I love it.

Part of the evolution, right. Is going through divorce, going through single mom stuff. And I was talking to my girlfriend the other day, or we talking about, I had talked to several of my girlfriends, honestly about like the whole dating thing. Which for me honestly, is true pain in the behind. So often I just want to step outside of the thing altogether, but then at the same time, it’s getting cold outside.

When I have somebody, I don’t know, talk to whatever, when you’ve been in a relationship for so long, you don’t always remember. All the things that you like or things that you don’t like, or even the pain points of dating prior to. Being single again, I ain’t like you was somebody for so many years. You have to relearn what you like and what you’re attracted to.

Particularly if you’re like me and you loyal and faithful tunnel vision, right. You just see what’s in front of you. You learn to adjust, you learn to deal with someone’s flaws. What you’re not going to end your relationship over. However, that’s very different from. What you will walk away from in the talking stages or in the dating stages.

Right. Right. So when you do it again, you’re like, okay, well I know this particular flood doesn’t go away. At least in my experience. So this is a deal breaker for me, or this pattern of behavior makes me nervous because it’s very reminiscent of something else that I went through. And I recognize that that pattern leads to some other behavior.

And it’s just not for me. And I myself of course come with many flaws, but I’m also self-aware and know what the flaws are. Not to say that I don’t work on them because I think we’re all just trying to figure out how to be the best versions of ourselves. At least we are right. This clique, listening to the podcast.

I can’t speak for everyone. I definitely am trying to be the best version of myself. However, the best version of myself doesn’t always show up. Some bad habits are hard to replace, but I’m not a fan of suppressing stuff because I feel like if I suppress stuff, I don’t fix it. I don’t face it. But also when meeting new people.

If I suppress it in order to impress you or to convince you that I am who you need in your life or that I’m good for you or any of that kind of stuff. I feel like I’m just sending a representative. I’m not being myself. And if I’m going to date you and we’re gonna. Lead to something serious. I don’t want to present myself as one thing.

And then I get comfortable being myself and these floors make it to the surface. And here you are, what a decision to make? Do I want to deal with this or do I want to walk away? And sometimes that decision is very hard because if someone’s been showing up as their representative for six months, nine months, even the first year, Oftentimes you’ve, you’re falling for that person.

You’re falling in love with that person. You deal with that person for a certain length of time. Your heart starts to grow towards that person. And it’s very hard to break the bond. And I honestly think that’s why people suppress what their flaws are, because they want you to build the bond. They want you to be connected.

And so invested that once the flaws make it to the surface, it’s very difficult to let go that you will. In your mind rationalize how you can work around this thing or how you can negotiate your own emotions, your own flaws, how you can bring your flaws to the front of your own face and say, well, you know, this is my flaws.

So this is my give and take. From my perspective, I would prefer to have those negotiations upfront. I would prefer to have those kinds of decisions upfront. I would prefer not to get connected for us to not bond without the knowledge of at least a couple of our flaws and not just through, Hey, here’s my flaw.

But to see behavior. Sometimes I can be passive aggressive. Right. And I think that’s a popular trait and I don’t like it when people are like that towards me. I be the first to admit it, but I’m also the first to admit that I can dish out a lot of stuff that I can’t necessarily take. And I’ve been told that that’s a popular trait of Sagittarius.

I’ve only really dealt with one and was married to him for a very long time. So I don’t know if that’s a trait amongst our sign. Or that’s who we taught each other to be either way I can be passive aggressive sometimes and people can react to it. I feel like if we get past it, I can be very apologetic.

However, sometimes I feel like it’s warranted. And unfortunately I haven’t gotten rid of the trait where when my feelings are hurt, I sometimes feel like I need to issue punishment. And that’s just really the honest truth of it is that I use it to punish you sometimes because I’m pissed, but I don’t want to act a total fool.

So I’m usually real chill, but it’s very easy to hurt my feelings. And I don’t always know what to do with that, or how to react, how to express that my feelings are hurt without putting more feelings on the line. If that makes sense. Sometimes that’s my trait. I’m passive aggressive. That’s my toxic trait, so to speak.

So anyway, I’m talking to my girlfriend and she’s like, you know, I don’t think you’re putting the best representative of you forward. And I feel like you could be pushing people away. It could be contributing to the fact that you can’t be in anything steady right now. She didn’t may not be totally wrong.

However, I am getting out of a longterm relationship. So I don’t expect to get into a longterm relationship with the first guy I meet. I don’t expect to date someone for four or five weeks and be like, okay, this is my boyfriend. Does it happen like that? For me? I don’t intend it to. All I bring to the table in terms of love, support, encouragement, my own goals, my own dreams, my own drive my own ambition.

And then on top of it, the encouragement affirmations pouring into someone else’s dreams pouring into someone’s. Aspirations goals. I will uplift. I will figure out how we can grind together, how I can contribute to your grind, how I can network on your behalf, how I can speak your name and rooms that you’re not there.

I feel like there’s a lot that I bring to the table emotionally and definitely in the area of support. And in the area of care, when you have a long day, I’m the person who will be there to rub your back, or you could talk your problems through and we can brainstorm on how to get past a certain obstacle.

I’m not the person who’s going to cook for you every night, straight up. I am not. I know people like, Oh, you can’t get us when you don’t cook. No clean.. hey I was married for a very long time. I will pay someone to clean. That’s not my gifting, but I will try. And that is my gifting. Is that where I lack, I will try.

I will actually make an effort. And what I’m finding in the whole dating world is that effort is scarce. For real, for real, it is. Yes. It’s just not there. And I’m a passionate person, whether it be for my goals, for my ambition, there’s passion all around me. When I get invested in something, I am there. I am trying to put my all into it.

Whether I’m there for two seconds, two minutes, two hours, two years, I’m there. I’m totally present and I’m trying to dive in and if I’m not totally present, I’m trying to figure out why, even as a mom, sometimes when I feel like I’m not totally present, like I have to revisit, I have to revamp because I don’t have a lot of hours in the day and I’ll be tired.

Y’all, I’ll be exhausted because it’s very difficult when you don’t have family members who live by. It’s not that I don’t have a support system cause I would never lie and say that I don’t. However, my willingness to lie on that support system is not always a clear thing, whatever, because I don’t want to burn it anybody out.

And at the same time, it’s like I’m working all these hours with my sponsor and then I need to write these books. And there’s just not a lot of hours in a day. And I don’t want my daughter to ever feel like she doesn’t get enough of me. She doesn’t get enough of my time. I don’t want her to grow out of this stage film.

Like, I don’t know my mom, I didn’t spend time with my mom and I’m just trying to fit it all in, even with my relationship with her. Um, I’m trying to move with the same amount of passion that I move everywhere else, because I’ve talked about her before. That’s my heart. That’s my world. She is the catalyst for a lot of my change.

So I find that if I’m at home, And we just got back from her school and I feel like I have a deadline, or I know I have a deadline and I’m writing sometimes I’ll let her be on her tablet. She’s in, she’s eating dinner. I don’t necessarily sit and eat dinner with her. I go in another room, pull up my laptop and start working away primarily because I want to sleep at night.

I want to not be cranky. I want to have some energy. I want to be able to. Fall asleep in her room sometimes at night, she’s like, mom, can you sit in my room for a little while? And I want to be able to do that without having to think about what time she gonna fall asleep, because I need to go and work on this document.

So I’m trying to multitask and it doesn’t always work out. I find that it’s really as simple remedy for her and I at least everything that she’s doing, everything that I’m doing can be done in the same room. She’s getting older. So focusing is not as difficult as it used to be because she’s independent.

However, I know that even if I’m not necessarily engaged, she loves my presence. As much as I love hers, we sit together at one table. If she’s on her tablet and I’m on my laptop. Cool. But if she’s eating dinner, I try to make sure that I’m eating dinner as well. And then we can move on to other things and we can work on what we’re doing simultaneously.

She’s doing her homework, I’m available for questions. And I can write my document, but she’s focused on the homework and I know she’s four, right. But yes, she gets homework. And I’m trying to work that whole equation out, which is not always easy and I’m not always successful. Sometimes it looks like a fail to me, but then I talked to her about it and she’s oblivious to my fail, which thank God for her, but that passion and that try and that.

Try to figure it out. I feel like I applied to every area of my life, whether it be to figure out a story, whether it be to figure out how I’m going to show up as my best self when I’m on site with my sponsor or. I’m just babysitting someone else’s child. How do I show up as the best version of myself when I just go hang out with my girlfriends, which is very rare, right?

You never hear me talk about that? I think I go out for a drink maybe once every two to three months, I have pretty minimal social life. And then I’m trying to fit dating in there. But at the very least I try not to be half-ass. And if you’ve been on my Instagram posts any time, late at night @pwrites on Instagram, you know that sometimes I’ll be up in the middle of the night thinking to myself, like, what the hell?

So you might see some wild, like late night posts because I be all in my head. All that to say that I’m always going to show up as the best representative of myself. And sometimes that also means the version of myself that is working on myself. It also sometimes means the version of myself that is flawed.

So I love that my friends want me to find love. I love that they want me to have this happy romantic life. They want me to meet this great guy, and that sounds wonderful to have a partner who can contribute to my life in the ways that I can contribute to his and sometimes fill in my gaps where I can fill in his.

That sounds great. Wonderful. However, it’s not that it doesn’t sound realistic. It’s just, I know it’s a journey and I know it’s going to be a long walk home, so to speak, but I’m not going to act like I’m somebody else. I’m not going to. Show up as somebody else. And that I feel like it’s me wherever I am.

It’s one of the reasons why I started this podcast is that as I grew and evolved as an author, and they want to pretend that one day I published a book and look, I bet I came out of nowhere and look how successful I am. And I didn’t want to pretend that there wasn’t a journey. I didn’t want to pretend that it wasn’t difficult or it wasn’t hard, or that there were things that I had to figure out or things that people had to show me or shed light on or helped me through.

I didn’t want to pretend, and I don’t want to pretend that in my dating life either I have flaws and I’m wrong sometimes not a lot, but I’m wrong. Even with guessing that you might be a potential candidate for real, for real, sometimes I’m wrong about that. And I gotta work that out. Cause I don’t like being wrong.

I just don’t want to show up as someone else and heartache is heartache. It hurts thinking that you’ve invested some time in someone and you’ve built up this fantasy of their potential of who they could be in your life only to realize that they can’t. Or they won’t, or they lack the effort of matching your energy or they don’t show up in the way that you want them to show up.

They’re not consistent in the way that you need them to be consistent. Recognizing that hurts is no way around that. Yeah, I can shrug it off, but at the end of the day it hurts. Right. It feels like a loss. Most of the time, I know this is about to sound so egotistical, but most of the time I’m disappointed.

Like, damn, you really lost out on a good person. Cause I’m dope. But shit, if I don’t think I’m dope, who going to think I’m dope. Very rarely do I feel like I’m the one who took a loss. I know that that’s probably part of my problem. Because I’m like, well, yes, that person wasn’t for me. But no, honestly, in everything that I do, I want to show up as myself, whether it be my writing, there were people in my life who, prior to me getting there, the publishing deal wee trying to steer me in certain directions.

And they were like, you know, you’re all over the place, you right? A little bit of romance, you write a little bit of drama, you write a little bit of urban, you span all these genres and you need to focus and you need to focus on one genre and make that your lane. And when you make that your lane, then you will truly see success and you’ll be catapulted into the next area.

And then once you’ve experienced that, then you can. Have the freedom to dabble in these different areas because you’ve earned a loyal readership, you’ve earned some popularity and then that will give you the freedom to go into the different areas. And that sounds amazing. It sounds great. Even as I say, it comes out my mouth, it sounds like an awesome plan.

Not the one that’s going to work for me though. First of all, I’m not in a rush. I’m not wanting to be famous tomorrow. I’m not going to sell a million books tomorrow. I would love to sell a million books tomorrow. But I want to do it authentically as myself and who I am. I am all over the place. I got a little bit with G in me.

Like I got a little gangster in me. I got a little romance at well, I got a lot of romance in me and I got a hell of a lot of drama. Okay. My life is full of it and is full of examples and stories and everything that there is to write. My life has an awful lot of material in order for me to craft, to imagine, to put things together and create these fictional stories.

Be clear they’re fictional stories. However, they do have elements of my life. They have elements of things that I’ve gone through, things that I’ve witnessed, things that I’ve talked about with girlfriends and guy friends, things that have happened, that in my imagination, I’ve built upon. I just reconnected with a friend the other day, who was in my past prior to me getting married.

And this friend had taught me a lot about certain ways to move in life and certain maneuvers and little details. And I learned a lot of details from a lot of my friends, whether it be through their life, on the streets or their life. Being abused or struggles through trying to get through school or not connecting with parents or losing children.

I’ve talked about the children that I’ve lost. That’s my experience. I have several experiences that show up in the different books that I write. Sometimes they’re heavy. And sometimes I take them in morph them into something else that is a small detail as opposed to the heaviness of the whole trauma.

But I apply all the passion, the know-how, the research, all of that in every genre, I pick that up. I’m thankful for it. So if anything, whatever I’m going through, true. If all else fails is a story to write. That’s my take on it. All of that, to say that I feel like whole effort is sometimes not putting in so much effort to misrepresent yourself.

Now I’m not saying go into relationships, friendships. Fuck it, honestly, for lack of better words, I’m not saying that you show up like that. Trying to be the best version of yourself is definitely the answer. Right? It’s always the answer. However, I’m not going to beat myself up because of flaws seep through.

I’m not going to purposely suppress my flaws. So that you can bond to me, get to know me. Thank you. Figured me out only for this thing to make it to the surface several months in and for either one of us to get disappointed either. You’re disappointed that you’ve invested so much time only to find out this is a deal breaker for you.

Or I’m disappointed that after all this time is easy or appears easy for you to walk away from me because of what I view to be a small flaw, which is actually a deal breaker for you. So whatever seeps through seeps through, if you see it, if you can’t fool with it, walk away, if you can forward it. Cool.

Because I need to make these same decisions about you. And I would prefer that you not suppress those flaws in my face and then make it to the surface. And I see them because I’m going to go it out. Like, we’re going to talk about it. I’m gonna be like, yo, that right there, like, what’s that let’s talk about that.

I’m going to call it out and I want to know. What’s going on with you before I get bonded, because it’s difficult for me to break a bond. I’m going to be honest. I’ll accept it. Don’t get me wrong. I’m not stalking nobody. I will accept it, but the disappointment comes with it. So I would prefer, I see those flaws before I feel all the way invested.

I have a girlfriend who dated somebody for like a year. And they had like this whole conversation about engaging in sex and this whole buildup of at one point when they were not going to use protection and to get to that point, have all of that in somehow. He was able to suppress the fact that he was married.

That’s not a Florida. You trash dude. You know, people be hot and stuff like it’s crazy. But like, you don’t know who she is. I feel like if you express that upfront, you might’ve met somebody. Who’s just like, you know what it is, what it is. I like you, your marriage is your responsibility and not mine. And not to say that would have been the right thing for her to do morally.

But you never know what plane she was on, but you didn’t give her a choice. You bonded her. This thing made it to the surface. And now she’s got a heartbroken because she has to break the bond. And trust me, this person, this girlfriend of mine, like is no joke. We’re breaking bonds. She will suck it up. Like, Oh, you got to go.

I admire her. I don’t know if I find that you married, ain’t going be no. Well, you know, I might try to slash the tires before on my way out though. Cause I I’d be really pissed. Anyhow. That’s basically just what was on my mind. And what I was thinking about is, you know, the representative that we show up as, and I feel like there’s a thin line between putting your best foot forward and pretending like you don’t come with these flaws.

And so I often walk the thin line sometimes I’m on the wrong side of it, but for the most part, I’m not going to pretend that I don’t come with these flaws, that things aren’t wrong and that I don’t want to fix them. I do, but it’s going to take me a long time. I’m not gonna push him way down deep as we’re in a dating phase.

And then once we get bonded, I’m somehow going to evolve and work on this issue secretly. And you’re not going to know that it exists. So if you go on ride, we go and ride together. We go and figure out these flaws together. We gone figure out how to help each other evolve and get past it. If you’re for me.

And if I’m for you and sometimes the harsh reality is I’m not for you. My flaws are too, too big for you. I always talk about it. I be like, yo, my belly heavy it get all day, but on a lot of weight or do whatever you need, the type of person who you ain’t in the big women, or you don’t, you don’t like fat belly.

It’s like, I ain’t for you. So yeah, I’m going to tell you upfront, yo, my belly heavy. Some people don’t see that as the floor, some people like, so, yeah. So you got past that phase, so you might be for me, but then you show up with some other mess and I’d be like, Oh man. Oh, well, but that’s the harsh reality of it.

People don’t have to accept everything about you and you don’t have to accept everything about someone. It’s okay to meet someone like them and then realize that this person is not for you. It’s okay. That you’re not for me. It’s all right. Does it sting a little? Absolutely. But okay. It’s just, I want to pretend I want to be my authentic self at all times.

And that sometimes means I’m flawed. That means I’m wrong. Sometimes that means I’m a Bret. Sometimes it means I’m passive aggressive sometimes, but it also means that I’m going to love on you. I’m going to nurture you. I’m going to let you talk to me about your dreams and your passions, and then I’m going to help you figure out how to achieve all of your goals and make them accomplishments.

I’m going to do all of that. So you pick and choose, but I’m going to show up as me and I’m gonna show up as me every time. Take it or leave it. That’s just what the deal is. And that’s in my writing. I’m not going to force myself to stay in one particular lane because that’s not who I am. I write a little bit of everything because I am a little bit of everything.

I feel a little bit of everything, and that is going to materialized into a success that’s tailor made for me. It’s gone materialize into a journey, into a path, into another story to tell, well, that is tailored to me. Yeah. Then I’m not going to try to fit myself in a box in order to achieve something.

That’s not for me at a faster rate. What’s for me is for me. And it will come in the time that it’s supposed to come based upon my evolution based upon the journey based upon the path that I choose to walk and how I get there as how I get there. I’m not going to force myself to fit into a box. I’m going to be who I am.

And I’m going to show up as me every day, every time. If you don’t agree. Yeah. My inbox, let’s talk about it. Give me some things that you feel are points that I should consider. I know one of my girlfriend’s going to be all up in my stuff. It’s all up in my stuff and that’s okay. That’s what makes us friends that we can talk about these things and we could.

Convince each other of each other’s points and sometimes just be like, all right, well, we’re just not going to see eye to eye on us. And that’s okay. That’s what makes us friends that we have that comfort level to be able to share that. And that’s what makes me comfortable with you guys. I love how you guys getting up in my inbox.

You messaged me on Instagram message me on Twitter. You want to talk about what I talked about on the show. I love how some people would be up in my inbox looking for the next show that touches me. But, yeah, let’s talk about it. I’m at Pwrites on Instagram at Pwrites on Twitter, Phoenix Ash, on Facebook.

If you want to take part in the evolution you want to read what’s happening with my journey, Delectable, a sweet romance, which is the first totally romantic book that I’ve ever written is available on Amazon books, as well as on Kindle, touch me first. That was my first erotica. I did a lot of first this year.

That was my first erotica. That’s also available on Kindle and Amazon books. And my newest venture is Savage Fever. Oof. This is my baby here. This is my baby. Okay. There’s a lot of emotion, a lot of real, a lot of stuff buried in here, but this is my thing. This is my jam Savage fever episode. One drops. The fire is out available on Kindle.

It’s not available on paperback primarily because. I have something special plan for paperbacks, and it’s going to take me a minute to really get it together. Bear with me. But yes, if you have a Kindle device or if you have the Kindle app, it’s a free app. You could download on your phone or on a tablet.

Do that. Savage fevers, the joint ill. If you go on Amazon and you read the comments I’m telling you is the joint is literally TV and a book. This is my love. Y’all. I don’t think I’ve ever talked about anything that I’ve written like this, because this is my joint episode too. We just did the cover reveal.

It’s coming October 29th. That is this week. Y’all this week, October 29th is episode two. Loyalty is relative. I’m so proud of this work. Yo, I doesn’t know, toot my own flute, but pick it up, support me. Let me know that you have some stuff you want me to support. Let’s talk about it. Let’s find out how we can be there for each other.

I appreciate you definitely there for me, but listening to this podcast. So, so appreciate it. Check out SayWHA radio, the whole network is really evolving. It’s getting bigger, The Hollastic Life. What the Finance getting so many shows just because your continued support and just riding. Thank you anyhow, until the next time when we could exchange power piece.

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