We can all agree that 2020 has been all over the place. For many people, working from home and spending additional time with their partners has been challenging. Jenny and Jai are no different. Listen in as they discuss the lessons they have learned throughout their relationship, including their number one tip: Communication!
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Jenny: Welcome to the Hollastic Life show! I’m Jenny.
Jai: I’m Jai. Yo. So it’s been awhile first. Yo let’s let’s I gotta get this off my chest first. So yeah, so we took a little sabbatical. Is that, is that still a thing? Sabbatical, hiatus. Nah. Anyway, we were supposed to take a trip, right? To the West coast. And at the time of this recording, yeah. The West coast was like crazy. Right. And our friends was like, yo, I want to be selfish as fuck and tell you all to still come here. Well, but you know what I mean? I don’t want y’all to be like stuck here and you know, it’d be boring as hell, so, yeah.
Right. So, you know, being in the pivoters that we are. We was like, yo, we still need to get out of the city for a little bit. Right. So we bounced to a place called Titusville.
Jenny: You said TITusville earlier haha.
Jai: Fucking dork, Titusville, Florida, which is on the West coast of Florida. I always get that screwed up because we live on the West coast. Right. And we visited here. Okay. We visited the East coast. Right. Got brand new paddleboards, all that jazz. And I got a mobile set up for situations like that. So we wouldn’t be confined to the house. Right. And when you’re ready to set up record this joint. Everything’s going good. I got the mic set. I’ve got everything looking.
Boom. You know what I mean? Everything we can boom. And then like, it’s like, yo let’s record. And they, all my record is like, yo, you don’t have an SD card. Like, fuck. I don’t know if the card, so yeah. Yeah. It’s 2020 and we’re here. So, yeah, just in case he was wondering why the audio sounded a little different or if you don’t care, you know, you’re just laughing your ass off that little story.
There we are back 2020 strikes again, and today we want to talk about. Well for one little, little preface, 2020 has been crazy. We’re in the, are we in the last quarter? Almost in the last quarter, October marks marks the last quarter. No, I said October marks. Are you fucking high, right?
Jenny: No, I don’t mean like that shit.
Jai: So October marks is what I say. So October marks the last three months of the year. Right. Which is crazy. Cause I’m still waiting for the aliens to be complete, dude. Like he’s been chill all day. I show up for the podcast and he’s over here squeaking. It’s like, take my throw away. I’m still waiting for the aliens, to be honest, like last three quarters of a year, I feel anything happened.
Right. Anything can happen, but my God, Hey man, is this your first time listening to us? Holler. Alright, so anyway, 2020 has been crazy. As you can tell, our dog is going nuts. Is this is wild. What a perfect segue into what we’re going to talk about. I gotta do math real quick at three nine. Okay. The past nine months have been insane. Past nine months have been insane.
Anything and everything has happened. Like I said, I’m still waiting on the aliens. Unfortunately, a lot of stuff has, has come to light with being. Locked down, if you will. You know, unfortunately divorce rates has, has risen. Domestic abuse has risen and it’s crazy. Cause it’s one thing to marry somebody and then, you know, kind of be like, ah, this is cool until you really can’t go anywhere and you’re forced to see that person, like all day, every day, it really puts things in perspective. You know, so we wanted to talk about, and he said he wants to talk about too. We want to talk about basically being a married couple during the pandemic, because we we’re both, we’re on, she’s an extrovert, im introverted not putting labels on it, but yeah, she’s more outgoing or whatever.
So to be locked in the house, It even sounds crazy, crazy saying like finding the compromise in that, but then even with that, you know, it’s not just the marriage, it’s a, it’s a business partnership as well. So yeah, we got to talk about that word.
Jenny: So, I mean, look, are you making fun of my whiteness? Anyways. So, you know, here here’s, what’s going to happen. I’m just gonna predict it right now. So what’s going to happen is I’m going to tell you that everything is rainbows and butterflies because, you know, I don’t know. It’s just like my default man. That’s how I look at the world. But like, if you were just to ask me straight up, like.
What’s it like living and working together. I’m like, it’s fucking awesome. Like, I love it. I love every aspect of it. And then what happens is Jai justs chuckles and he’s like, nah, nah, nah, nah. And then I’m like, wait, what? Like, I kinda do that dog thing. Like, and I’m like, wait. And then Jai kind of breaks down some things and I’m like, Oh, okay.
That might be the fact that might be the case, but that’s just how I wrote. I can’t help it. Like, it’s like my default setting and I don’t plan on changing it. Well, I think it’s awesome living together and working together. I think it’s great. I don’t have any problems, but go ahead and point them all out. Cause it’s not a problem, but like point out like all the things that. Well, cause like seriously, I’m like, I like it.
Jai: That’s, that’s one aspect being overly optimistic about everything. So yeah. Point one, you have one individual. Well, talking about the relationship, like for one we’re very open. With each other, like communication still there’s there’s little things here and there where we choose to work through.
One of the things that we struggled with was. Triggers like emotional triggers, like, you know how someone is and it would say something and it would be heard in a certain way, not necessarily in a hurtful way per se, but you know, one person would say something and the other person here’s something and the initial reaction, which would be like down or whatever, like, cause I did a lot of that.
In the past being completely transparent and vulnerable, you know, she would say something, I don’t have any examples and I just kind of be like, fuck it and shut down and like kind of disappear and be upset and ignore her. And like, I do my own thing, which not speaking for Jen, probably made her feel a certain way and created some resistance and friction.
Jenny: So as you’re saying that, right. Like my first, my first reaction is okay. Yeah, that’s true. Right? Like you may shut down, you turn me off. And then I shut down and I get turned off and then, you know, we ended up coming back to it anyways, but I’m just sitting here thinking like, well, how has anything different with the pandemic?
Because yeah, we spent more time together, but that was still already you. So maybe that’s the point. Some of y’all or people, you know, if it’s not you, are in a relationship, but they don’t really know each other. And maybe they haven’t spent a lot of time with each other intentionally or not. And now they have to spend a lot more time with each other.
And some of the things that maybe already annoyed or frustrated them are just so heightened right now. Right. And we already know that communication is not like a powerful skill for, well, I’m just, I was going to go, I was going to say like where my mind was going was like my, I was kind of going to be like, cheeky here.
It’s like, it’s not a powerful, a really good skill for Americans or the world or whatever right now, because I’m just like, I’m going like. You know, if you think of like a ladder or something, you know, like I’m climbing up the ladder and looking at it from like a big global perspective. And it’s like, humans seem to have a really tough time right now, just communicating period.
Right. Just in general, like social media and all the anger and the frustration and the hate and the, the judging, I’m just talking like huge, like big picture. Right. And then if you kinda come down into the micro and you, and you. Chunked down into families and relationships. So communication literally is the number one skill and the number one thing to help your world go round.
The better you are at communication. The more effective you are communication. The more committed you are to improving that skill, the better your relationships are going to be.
Jai: I want to add comprehension to that too, because yes, you can communicate. But if the other person are you aren’t understanding what each other are saying.
I think that’s an important part too. Hence, why usually when you ask a question, now I stop and say, what are you asking me? Or like, what are you really saying? So I can understand, because I hear one thing which, you know, you might be the way that you’re saying it, you know, I’m not fully comprehending.
Jenny: Right. And that’s where like miscommunications come into place because it’s still a form comprehension, still a form of communication because you’re willing to come back and ask. Right. And a lot of times in relationships and I’m a split relationships, you know, you’ve got intimate relationships and, you know, relationships like friends and family.
And a lot of times, like for whatever reason, we, we feel the need at times to like tiptoe around people’s emotions and shit. And it’s frustrating. Yeah. Think you know, some of it, some of it’s necessary. I really don’t know. I’m not the fricking be all end. All right. I’m more of a tool. Tell her probably, cause I don’t want to hurt people’s feelings, you know?
There’s what did, what am I? Uh, my good friend and previous boss and mentor. Tell me, Roger. Do it tactfully. You know, like you can say some shit, but just do it tactfully, like in a corporate setting, he’s like, go ahead and lay into him, but just attacked, like just, you know, butter it up a little bit. Like you don’t need to slam it on him.
But I was just thinking, as it relates to like what we’re talking about, the comprehension, it’s still, like, if you’re having troubles with your spouse, your intimate partner. And your expectations are not being met. I are right there. That’s one thing. If you have expectations, especially if they haven’t been like communicated, do you, haven’t put things on the table.
People can read your mind, although we wish they could. And maybe some guys or women that you’ve dated in the past have been able to read your mind and this person’s not able to read your mind. And I say that because can anybody really read your mind? Nope. But some people are better at paying attention to the cues and signals.
Right? Some people are better at doing those things. And some people that’s just not one of their skills. And I mean, I feel like I could just talk in circles about this because really it’s like, how do we, Jai and Jenny live together. Work together. Oh. And on top of it, 2020 has been different. So it’s been more time at home in general, right?
Like it’s been more time where each person can’t go out and do their things right. Or you can, whatever, I’m not going to split freaking hairs here about what you can and can’t do because the world is shifting. Humans are going to evolve. Yeah. She had to do people to see, right? Like we got, we got stuff to do.
We got dreams to go after, so I’m not going to split hairs on what we can or can’t do because regardless of where you are in the world, or even in your city or town, it’s going to be so different. We’re not all under the same rules and stuff. Well, I was like, I don’t want to go down that path because it’s like, okay.
So, how do we work together? How do we work and live together?
Jai: It’s so many things. It is so many things, but I think it’s like one of the major things is, is understanding expectations. It’s like, don’t have expectations. It sounds crazy, but it’s like, don’t have expectations because you know, you might want your spouse to do things a certain way.
You know, when you come home and they don’t do it.
Jenny: And then you’re like, let down, you know, into you’re like stewing inside. Cause they didn’t do it. Like whatever it is, like you expected them to pick you up dinner on the way home and they didn’t do it. And now you’re pissed and you’re stewing and you’re waiting for them to notice that you’re stewing and they don’t notice that you’re stewing.
Cause they have no fucking idea that you’re stewing about something that they had no idea they were supposed to do. So you’re over in the corner, pouting ..
Jai: Or you’re a stay at home mom and your husband is at home. You know, you’re kind of expecting him to help out more around the house during the pandemic and he doesn’t feel the need to.
He still feels like he has to work, even though it’s remotely, that’s a whole new dynamic right there. So once again, we go into the one thing which we said before, and it turns out to this thing instead of openly communicating and understanding what the other person needs and understanding that yes.
You’re married. You are a unit, but you’re still two individuals. So there’s still things. You’re still things that you’re both going to want to do, that you don’t need each other to do. And there’s going to be things that you love to do together, but giving each other that, that space and freedom and whatever.
One of the things for me is trust is, is real huge. Trusting that other person like Jen plays sports she’s, she’s active. You know, there might be tournaments softball tournaments that are out of town. There might be volleyball games that run later than usual. So, you know, if I was a jealous husband or I had trust issues, that could be a whole different thing.
You know, cause there’s been many nights where she’s been like, Oh yeah, it should be done. And we’re on nine and then our half later, okay. I’m on my way home. You know what the fuck happened to nine. That could start a whole different thing. But with that, doubling back to the communication, we’re going to give you guys some keys.
It will keep on repeating the shit. So, so pay attention. Communication is me saying babe, I don’t care how long you stay out. Cause I know you coming home. But just let me know. Hey, I said eight, but it’s probably going to be longer. So then I’m like, all right, cool. Right.
Jenny: Cause then you’re not sitting there like wondering.
You know, and kind of an, even though it probably leaves a little into a little bit of that stewing, right? Cause it’s like each minute that goes by or whatever, you’re like, no, where are you? And then the person gets home and you’re like, Oh my God. And you’re all excited that person’s like, get the fuck away.
Yeah. Okay, cool. Oh yeah. Okay. You know, you’re watching a show. And it’s like, fuck, I’m watching the show. They’re still talking, play. They shut up. Right. I mean, I think, I think earlier in our relationship, I mean, I definitely had a pretty big awakening with this communication thing because being a sales professional, traveling all around the country, Entertaining clients and seeing all kinds of different cities and having great meals and whatever, like just having a blast, honestly.
And Jai came on one of the trips, cause it’s like, Hey, yo, you know, like, come on this trip, you know, you can do your own thing. I got to work. And then I’ll, you know, we’ll hang out where we can, you know, before, after whatever. So hanging out with like one of my favorite clients, it was a whole big annual meeting for them.
They were in Nashville. Right. And what was special about that is our anniversary or something? I don’t know. There was some kind of like a special things. We check them in the hotel and were like, “Oh my God. Yeah. It’s our Anniversary!” And they’re like, “Oh my God. Cool.” So. You know, be in the top notch place they are.
So I go, I go out with the clients and I’m like, Oh, I’ll be back at whatever time. I don’t remember what time. I said, if, I mean, my intentions definitely were to come back at nine or 10. Like man I don’t feel like being out late tonight, I’m gonna come back at 9 or 10. Let’s just say so while I’m here with clients, cause Jai knew I was there for work.
And so, you know, he texted me at some point during the day and was like, “Hey. This is really cool. Like they just sent like champagne and chocolate covered strawberries and that okay. I’m like a flower or something. I don’t know, like a little, little gift.” And so I guess what was happening is he was hinting like, Oh, this is so cool.
Come back, you know, and can’t wait to see you. But like I, because, and this goes back to, this can probably be fun too. Cause this is like my version. Then maybe you’ll hear his version and maybe you should share your version. Cause then that can show like the perspectives and expectations. But like what happened on my side?
Right. As I’m out with clients and I did want to come back at 9 or 10, but because I’m an extroverted and then I get into conversations and then I ended up having a good time and I’m like, woo, this is fun. You know? And I really, honestly, at this point, I don’t remember if I texted Jai or didn’t text him.
Hey, I’m going to be back later. I kept pushing it back or maybe I didn’t say anything. Well, I ended up having quite a few drinks and I’m have more and I’m like, Oh fuck. I gotta go back. And I don’t know. I would say at this point it was 12 or 1 in the morning. And I was hungry. So I found the place that was open and it was some like walk through place with like pizza and stuff.
And I was definitely pretty, pretty drunk where I was like eating the pizza neat and whatever. And I was like still in it and the place. And I was like, woo, this is fun. So I stumbled it into the room. I think I had like pizza on my shirt or something. I finished the pizza in the bed. I finished like the chocolate thing in the bed. I got it on the bed, on the covers. And I’m like what? And he was livid. He was so angry and he just left. He just left. He didn’t say anything. And I had not experienced that yet. And I’m like, Oh my God, why did you fucking leave? I’m having the time of my life. This is a blast. It’s time to hang out with him.
So I ended up calling a good friend of mine. We have a good drunk chat. She was not drunk. She probably hated that chat. And then he finally came back and I’m like, what is wrong? Yeah. So Jai, your version.
Jai: Uh, you know, it was a special occasion. It was cool. Never really experienced. Maybe I did. I did. I don’t have any fucking idea, but it was cool room service. Hey, happy anniversary, blah, blah, blah school, right? Hey, this is dope. Hey, yo, the, the place to sent us something for anniversary, mind you? I do believe she said she would be back at a certain time. Right? I don’t remember if she texted or not or whatever, somewhere in this stories, there was, I don’t give a fuck about strawberries or some shit like…
Jenny: Oh, I forgot about that. I must have said that when I was drunk!
Jai: Yeah. So it was like, I don’t give a fuck bout no chocolate strawberries, something to that effect. And she didn’t get back until like 1:00 or 1:30 and at this, I didn’t even want to look at her. I didn’t want her to see, I didn’t want to be in the same fucking room. So I bounced, I went and worked out in the gym for, I don’t know, 30, 45 minutes an hour.
And it was just like, yes, you’re here on work. But you know, I guess it was one of those expectation things. Definitely one of those expectation things. It is like, I don’t like talking to really drunk people, so it’s like, okay, you want to go entertain your clients the entire night and then want to come hang out at one o’clock while you’re like drunk and probably wont even want to remember this in the morning.
So yeah, really, really pissed off.
Jenny: Well, and here’s the thing, you know, as I look back and break it down, because I guarantee you are having have had, or will have a similar experience, not with this same exact story, but something else where expectations are out of alignment, communication completely broke down and someone’s frustrated, or both parties are frustrated.
Because, you know, you could look from the outside in, on this situation and be like, yo girl, just trying to live her life. He needs to back the fuck up. Right, right. Because that’s what sometimes happens when you like go chat with your friends or whatever, but like, girl, he needs to give you some space.
Right. And it’s like, for me, when I look back at it, like I did not realize how much I had hurt him and how potentially disrespectful my actions were towards him because. With the communication. And after we broke it all down and he explained, I was like, Whoa, I had no idea that my actions had that impact on you.
I had no idea that that’s like, what was happening on this end? Because for me, I was like, yo, leave me alone. I’m working. But when it comes down down to it, bottom line, it’s like, okay, you’re working because this is a specific example. It’s like, you’re working, but like, Well, work is really happening after 10:00 PM.
You know, like then you’re just partying, which is fine. You can still party with your clients. This isn’t about like, did I do it right or wrong? It’s the expectations and the communication because how the communication. Already happened and been there and was like, Hey babe, I’m going to go party with them all night. I see. When I see you, it might have been totally different. I mean, he might’ve been bombed because maybe he really had hoped that we could spend more time together. But what happened was is after that all broke down, we really talked about a lot of things. Like, what do you need? What does Jenny need? How can we do this better in the future?
And if I remember correctly, I think it was like, well, I don’t know. Maybe I’m not going to come on a work trip. Or if I do come on a work trip, I need to know that you were going to be completely consumed while you’re working. And I cannot think any, you know, like, or you come to, you know, and say, all right, you know, it was a work trip, but I’m going to cut it off at this time.
You have to figure that out. And I still haven’t mastered the whole cut it off at a certain time and come home when I say, because I just get caught up in the moment, but I have tried to be more mindful of those moments and maybe not tell him a time or just.I
Jai: ‘m perfectly cool. You know, as long as I know, like the position where, like I said, she could be hanging out or whatever, I just don’t want to be to the point where I, like you said seven. It’s like now nine 30 or me, and you ended up playing two or three more games and I’m up here, fucking worried, you know? Cause it’s like, Oh shit, you said you would be home at seven. I haven’t heard from you, you know, your phone could have died or like all this other stuff. Like all of the things that they could possibly happen and two, I was thinking about another, another work situation where.
They did the theme tonight thing, and a couple of your coworkers wanted to meet me. And really I like, I have a social meter and I have to be mentally prepared to be around a lot of people, you know, for an X amount of time. And when I hit that meter, I will disappear like, and one night this happened. You know, and I think you were bummed because like I just left cause I was done.
And then like your coworkers looking for me cause they wanted to hang out or whatever. And so we, we really didn’t talk about, about that at the time. Like, like I have a, I have a threshold. I, I can’t like there’s a limit. And two once again, back to communication, babe, I have a meter. I will give you a certain sign.
You know, it’s not that I don’t want to hang out, but, um, I’m done. I’m spent on whatever, like not saying, you gotta go back to the room or whatever, you can hang out and chill, but this is where I am and just like understanding each other within, cause there’s going to be different situ situations and scenarios.
But like understanding where each other stand in those, those cases.
Jenny: And I think that brings up another good point because. Sometimes, I think some of this is driven by society, friends, family, TVs, movies, whatever, like culture, culturally, there are certain expectations we have of our spouses or our boyfriends or girlfriends or whatever.
And I don’t know, it just, I just think. I always had this vision, right. That like, Oh, you know, if I’m with somebody, they’re going to be the life of the party right there with me, you know? And, and they’re going to be talking and they’re going to be able to talk to everybody. And because I’m so outgoing, I really didn’t understand what it’s like to be an introverted person.
And let me just let me rephrase because I’m so extroverted. Cause Jai can be outgoing too, but he’s introverted. And so I didn’t really understand. What it was to be an introverted person. So yeah. I’m like, what’s wrong with you? Like, why can’t he do this? You know, I didn’t understand why there were certain things that he had limits to.
And so we could go through our whole marriage without ever talking about that. And me constantly pressuring him and feeling like he doesn’t love me or he’s doesn’t support me, or he’s not there for me because he doesn’t hang out the amount of time. I think he should at events and parties, or if he disappears, then it, Oh my God, how dare he? He leaves me out here and how stupid I look without a. A significant other, nah, like, I mean, you can, you can keep believe in those stories if you want, but go ahead and watch your relationship probably kind of tank down the fucking gutter because eventually someone’s going to break. Eventually someone’s going to be like, dude, clean me the fuck alone, you know? And then it’s gonna be like, Whoa, what’s wrong with you? Because they’ve been stewing it up the whole time. I am so grateful that Jai is open to have conversations so that I can understand. And it’s not something that happens overnight.
Like we can just talk about these things. And so that’s what we do. We talk about things in our business. What do you like to do? What do you not like to do? Where do you feel empowered in the business? Where do you not feel empowered in the business? How do you like to work? How do you want to work? Like we are constantly talking about trying different things when it relates to the business, when it relates to our relationship and still sometimes things stew. Yup. And then eventually it’s like, okay, we need to talk. Let’s talk. But I think that literally is our, is our. Oh, what is it? Your PFD, your personal flotation device. I got those other standup paddleboard. So our PFD is communication. How can you make your PFD communication as well?
Jai: Yeah, I mean, we talked a lot about relationships, but I think it spills over to the business, the partnership as well for us. That, that communication and understanding if you, if you okay. Okay. If you had three keys, three takeaways for the listeners, what would it be? One communicate. You want me to give all three? Alright. One communication, two be mindful of your expectations of yourself and each other. And three communicate. What about you?
Jai: Definitely communicate. Yeah. Check your, check your expectations at the door.
Jenny: Check your ego.
Jai: Yo, your ego will fuck up your whole life game. Definitely leave your ego at the door. My number three. Would it be open-minded, you know, open-minded to try to understand like what’s going on, especially with, with us in business. All right. That’s this is with anything really, but, you know, Jen likes to work a certain way.
I like to work a certain way, but it’s finding that balance that, that homeostasis. In that, because she has strengths that im weak in, vice versa, but it’s like, Oh, you don’t do this this way. This is the right. It’s not about being right or wrong. It’s about compromising to move the relationship, the partnership, the business, us as a unit forward.
And the major thing is like, you asked your spouse to marry you for a particular reason. And so when he, or she or they said, I do that didn’t mean like shit was going to be rainbows and unicorns for the rest of your life. It still takes work. It still takes work and you have to be open to working on it because you’re going to grow. You’re going to evolve. You’re going to have next levels. And if you’re not open to communicating together, one of you guys are going to be left behind.
Jenny: Definitely gave you a lot to think about. We are excited for you to strengthen your own relationship. And even if you are not in a relationship, a committed relationship right now, and you’re looking for one, these are definitely things that you want to put in your “Don’t ever fucking forget” file.
Reach out to us, let us know, let us know what your hurdles have been, what your challenges have been, what you’ve done to overcome them. Of course. What other topics you want to hear us chat about?
Jai: Hit us up on the gram!
Jenny: Yeah. Word. Our gram is 2 underscore J Holla. That’s where you gotta find us. I’m going to say 2JHolla.com, but that’s the other one? That’s the website. Yep. I know the deal. So hit us up over there. Send us a message. And of course. If you think we’re awesome, we know you do, and you want to stay connected with us and you want some cool emails.
Wait, we got a cool, like dope ass, weekly, Ohana that we send out the latest, greatest, like Ohana. We got the latest greatest. You got the, a weekly Hawaiian word of a week. We’ve got where we’re traveling and what’s going on. So hit us up on there 2JHolla.com/Ohana