The Fight Against Me

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life as p
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Phoenix Ash


Every day it feels like you are fighting against the world, navigating your way through negative interactions and toxic relationships. But what if the real fight you are having, is actually against yourself? In this episode Phoenix shares why she has decided to be kinder to herself, allowing herself the time and space required to reach the goals she has set.

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Savage Fever
Touch Me First
In Her MakeUp
Soiled Sheets
Cookies & Crumbles


Phoenix: Hello and welcome back. If you are a repeat listener, welcome back to Life As P. I’m your host Phoenix Ash. If this is your first time joining me. Thank you. Appreciate you. Thanks for giving me a shot and listening to what I have to say all my rants and ravings.

Oof. Things have been pretty intense lately to say the least, let’s not even talk about the debate crazy. I’m not recognizing that man as my president. However, my candidate didn’t do his best either. So there’s that. But, um, I’ve been thinking like over the course of the past couple of weeks, like what theme, like I’ve been feeling like there’s a message that’s coming to me that.

I’m kind of overlooking and I’m not paying attention. So I’ve been like sort of tuning in to conversations and tuning into the things that have been frustrating and annoying me because sometimes when you are frustrated and annoyed at the same kinds of things all the time, it could speak to a deeper issue that’s going on within you.

So you have something that needs to be resolved within you, and you’re constantly in a state of discomfort. When you’re coming up against that thing, because you haven’t resolved it. And we don’t always know that. And I’m sorry, I’m jumping right in, but it was really on my mind. We don’t always know what that thing is because we’re still not paying attention.

Right? So once we shut out all the noise and chatter, really talk to ourselves and look at everything that we’re going through and everything we come in to contact and look for the pattern we get. Sometimes I tune into what they, the issue is for me. I think the issue recently has been, I don’t give myself enough of a break, so I’m really hard on myself when I don’t write every day or when I don’t meet a certain word goal.

I’m really hard on myself. And I don’t necessarily say it out loud so that anyone can hear me because part of me just kind of knows that it’s a logical. It just doesn’t make sense. You know, you’re not going to be a robot. You’re not going to do everything all the time. I am new to this whole single mom stuff.

You know, I struggled at night sometimes again to eat her dinner. And she says something sweet to me and letting her fall asleep in my bed. And then I’m waking up later to carry her into her room. You know, she probably shouldn’t have the tablet while she eats dinner, but she wouldn’t say, and I miss her when she’s at her dad’s so when she comes home, I’m extra, like, yeah, yeah. You can have whatever you want. I know that, but, but I, I just feel like, look, I just did it in conversation. Like I said, I know it’s bad or like the whole single thing got me for the past week, I was hearing this beep all over this house and I was like, it’s chirping. I know it sounds like a battery for a smoke detector, but all the smoke detectors was unhooked.

Like, what is this beeping? And I just could not get a good sleep at night. It just was not happening. I had to call my daughter’s Gigi. And I’m like, please whiz, pop up somebody, please come over here and find what this beeping is. So eventually I stood at the top of my bed and was able to see on top of the armoire cause I’m hella short guys, so. And Gigi found it. And it was like this carbon monoxide plugging that my daughter’s father must have just put up there. Obviously I’m not great at cleaning all spots. Cause I ain’t been up there and it was before it was running out of battery. So I took the battery out. I was like, okay.

And it was like being single was like hit me. And I was like, Ooh, but you know, I dare not, you know, settle with a man just so he could come in here and change batteries, but I can change batteries. You know, I was just like really thinking now I’m really hard on myself, particularly when I can’t predict the future.

When I can’t predict that, Oh, I’m going to write this amount of words in this amount of days, and this is what I’m going to hand in and project. Yeah, I try to, and yes, I make my deadlines that my publisher sets for me, but self inflicted deadlines, you know, sometimes need to change and they need to be flexible because I’m adding information and taking information away or storylines of developing, not everything is fast, fast, fast, fast, fast, like, you know, I’m in the middle of a series and I’m like, Oh, I want this to be spaced out this way. And it just not, did not happen for me. And I’m not going to give my readers lackluster material because I’m forcing it. So all that to say that I realized I need to give myself a break, even, you know, when I sometimes think about my marriage, it doesn’t make me feel good to know that one, that I’m getting a divorce.

Right. So when I chose to get married, I thought it was forever. So apparently it’s not, which is fine with me right now. But I’m kicking myself over and over again for all the times that I could have left. And I didn’t leave all the signs that I saw and chose not to act on all the clarity that I had in terms of seeing that, you know, we’re just two different people and two different mindsets and those mindsets don’t align with each other.

They don’t match up. They don’t. Cooperate and not being brave enough. She stepped out on my own or not having the foresight enough to step out on my own phone, all these things, and just constantly beating myself up over and over and over again about absolutely everything. You know, when I go to work, if there’s any, or how come I didn’t see this era, how come I didn’t know about this era?

How come this didn’t come across my table weeks ago, whatever. It’s just the constant expectation of myself, of being on point all the time is absolutely ridiculous, particularly because it’s more like I’m on point close to none of the time.

Okay. It’s absolutely ridiculous. And I’m so hard on myself that I can’t seem to give myself a break and I need to figure out how. I need to be softer with myself. I need this softer self, particularly when there’s so many outside influences coming in and trying to convince me, you know, that I’m not. Just great and wonderful person that I’m not kind, that I’m not a cheerleader that I’m not supportive when I know that I am, but if I’m beating myself up, like, you know, it doesn’t help.

I sorta like joined the fight against me. You know, there was someone that I was talking to. That I developed a friendship with or whatever, and you’re not hiding. I had to realize that this person triggered me often, if they would say things. And they felt that, you know, I was super sensitive, which I am, but they would say things.

And the way that they will present them would be in a way that I felt was like easy to take as negative, or I would not understand it. Like, what does that mean? Like, are you, what are you trying to say? And I don’t think that the person constantly felt malice towards me. Me, I, I say it like that because I’m like, might be some times that they like intended to piss me off or intended to get at me, but they’re intentions may not have been that all the time, but the way in which they presented information, I felt like it was easy to take differently.

And I’m just like, this person triggers me and sometimes it’s not even like, you’re a bad person or you do bad things. It’s just that our personalities clash or the way that we communicate does not line up with each other. And we’re just not supposed to be in each other’s lives. But recognizing that there was a trigger and rather than beat myself up for being oversensitive or feeling petty or taking things out of context or whatever, just recognizing that I do not understand how this person communicates, how this person communicates does it… doesn’t work for me.

I don’t understand it. They don’t like how I respond and it ends up being this long back and forth. A lot of aggression. A lot of pettiness, a lot of, you know, spacing myself to just be like, I need some time. I need to not interact with you for awhile. But in all honesty is I probably don’t need to interact with this person ever again.

It’s not that this person is bad or they do bad things. It’s just their communication style does not work for me. I can not. I’m not in a space in my life where I’m willing to decipher everyone’s code. I can’t decode everyone and I can’t decode myself for everyone. I can’t give every single person who comes across me.

I can’t give them all the blueprint and how to understand me, how to tap into my mind, how to tap into my heart. And I feel like we do that for a lot of people. We try to give everybody the blueprint, right. On how to communicate with us. And then we’re so frustrated and so violated when they do either the opposite or they don’t take what we’ve said into account.

I always tell people, right. I’m super sensitive. I’m super sensitive. And unfortunately I take for granted the fact that some people will understand that there’s going to be times where I am easily insulted. There’s going to be times there’s going to be times that I have to go to the extreme to cut off communication.

Because I’m so sensitive, I’m tuning into some extra stuff. Yes, it is extra, but I know me. And so it’s like, mm nah, I got to go through these extremes with somebody. I’d be like, Oh, you’re so extreme. You don’t need to go through this and ended up. But I do. If it’s to protect you, you know, I’m at the age where there are things that I want to develop about myself.

There are things I want to evolve. There were things that I want to learn. But I’m not going to attack every thing that someone else considers a flaw within me. And then I’m not going to attack them all at the same time. Even if I agree that it’s a flawed, something that needs to be worked on, I’m not going to attack them all at the same time.

I’m not. So if sensitivity is one of these swells that we’re talking about is definitely not the top one on my list to tackle one, because I feel like it helps me as a writer. I feel like I’m in tune with particular emotions. I’m in tune with, you know, what the b-line is. What else are you saying that you’re not verbally saying, what is your body language telling you?

So that’s the things that I’m paying attention to. And sometimes I think people are just offended that I picked it up. And then I did something with it. Like I don’t just pick it up I respond to it. That’s the thing, that’s the floor right there that I’m like, let’s work on that. Cause I don’t necessarily have to respond to every b-line that you throwin at me.

I could just like, not deal with you. So that is definitely something I work on, but like, I have to decipher, like, what parts am I going to work on? Because I can’t write the code for everyone. I can’t tell everybody the code. And I don’t have the mental capacity to break everyone’s code down to figure out if you meant to offend me, if you didn’t mean to offend me, if you know, one time like cool, like whatever, but yeah.

You know, you constantly talking to me and I’m constantly feeling offended. It means that however you present information, whether your intentions are to offend me or not. However you present information is not in alignment with how I receive it. And you are a trigger for me because you upset me. And I express that.

I don’t even, it’s not anger. It’s not rage. Just discomfort, I guess, or the fact that like, I’m drawing a line and seeing like, I don’t appreciate being talked to like this or being handled like this. The fact that I’m drawing a line, you know, makes other people upset, but I have to protect me and I have to protect my energy and I have to just know myself enough to say, again, it’s not about who you are or who I am, but at the same time it is, you know, we just don’t communicate the same.

I have to do that at work. Sometimes, you know, I deal with a particular manager as opposed to another manager because our communication styles are not the same and how the one manager delivers stuff is very different. How the other manager delivers, you know, I have one who is extremely condescending and, you know, he’s attacking the team every time he talks, you know, that’s not the manager I’m going to deal with.

He may very well not intend to have that effect. He may very well be trying to help or be trying to lead or whatever he calls it, but it doesn’t work for me. It’s not in alignment with how I received information and in order for me to keep my peace and keep the peace of the team, I’m going to have to go deal with a different manager because I’m not blowing up with you every day.

I’m just not doing it. I don’t have the energy. I don’t have the wherewithal. I just don’t. And I’m not going to address everything I pick up on and I’m not going to address how you need to receive what I need to tell you. And I’m not going to bring that energy home to my baby girl. And I am somebody who like, it takes me a minute to come off.

Like I got to come off that rage for a second and it takes me a minute to calm down. Like a lot of minutes to calm down. You have to understand who I am. And I have to give myself a break. I can’t beat myself up because one, I have all these other things working outside of me that you know, is going to beat me up enough.

But two, I have to give myself a break and not. Think of all these interactions as flaws and things that I have, I have to fix that I have to fix all of this about myself, that I have to be better. I have to be received by more people. I have to talk to more like, hold on a second, you know, to some degree yet it’s a public gift that I have.

And. You know, I want to manage that, but at the same time, like I cannot beat myself up in a way. Is that right? The world is going to beat on me too. I can’t join the fight against me. I have to be able to comfort myself. I have to be able to keep my back straight after, keep me strong. I have to raise my head and square my shoulders.

I have to have strength in my limbs and, and peace of my heart so that I could be the best version of myself and so that I can bring that best version around my daughter, which is really what matters to me. I also want to give the best version of myself to my readers and my listeners. I want to be able to share with you guys in a way that is uplifting to you and, you know, getting some of the burdens off of me and in turn, hopefully again, getting some burdens off of you, but.

I don’t give myself a break. And so I find myself stressed out missing deadlines, not, you know, doing everything on time, running late with podcasts because not giving myself a break is actually lengthening my process. It’s, you know, getting me in a mindset where I’m thinking and, and I’m going in circles and it’s just.

It’s not good. So I got to give myself a break. I gotta be my softer self and be good to me as much as I want the next person and be good to me as much as I want to show up to work and everything be bells and whistles and, and, you know, the sweet kind, not the, not the alarm, but like, you know, I want everything to be roses and butterflies the same way.

You know, when I find a romantic interest, you know, I want them. Roses and butterflies on the tip of their tongue whenever they talk to me. But you know, what am I talking to myself with? How am I, how am I handling me? I have to be a little gentler with me after be a little more understanding with me, because like I said, I can’t join the fight against me.

I cannot so I feel like that has been the, the reoccurring thing that’s coming back and forth. And probably because it’s a lesson I need. It’s one of those lessons. Yes. That he needs to learn over and over and over again. Because I’m not sure if I’m ever going to get it straight, right. If I’m ever going to like, keep getting that right.

That’s probably something I gotta go over a few times. I may go over with you guys a few times. I feel like I might address something similar last year about like, Your tongue being a sword, but yeah, so that’s my thing. So guys, if you’re suffering, how I’m suffering, please, don’t beat yourself up. Be gentler with yourself, particularly in this pandemic everybody’s running around like, okay, if you haven’t learned a new skill, if you didn’t start a new business, like.

If you got out of bed in the morning and you took care of your kids and you made yourself breakfast and you know, you have some kind of routine, you did something on a day to day. Like, God bless you. You know, you’re doing it. You don’t have to come up with a new business. You don’t have to have the mindset that everyone else has.

You don’t have to, you just have to do that. What’s best for you. And you have to further, like, don’t like. Have a dream just sitting there on the shelf, make it a goal and figure out how to attack it, but also be flexible to understand that you’re going to take some detours. Things are not going to work out exactly how you predicted.

This is all note to self guides for real, for real it’s all and itself. Anyway, I’m going to get off the soap box. But I just wanted to share that with you is really pressing on me. And I was so happy that I finally figured some, that thing that I was missing them, like something, this is a message somewhere, but I finally figured it out.

So I want to share with you. If you want to share my work, or if you want to get in touch with me about my work, I’m definitely available. My inbox is always open I’m @Pwrites on Instagram. I’m also @pwrites on Twitter, Phoenix Ash on Facebook. I have my reader group, Phoenix fiyahflies on Facebook and that’s fiyah.

I spell it. F I Y A H, fiyahhh, my girlfriend, Butterfly Brooks. You thought about that. But anyway, yes, joining the reader group, get at me and get up in them. DMS. You know, I love the conversation if you want to purchase any of my work. Yeah. My erotica touch me first is available. So Amazon, you know, I’m gonna have to repeat that, that joint debut, when it came out, it was number one on a black erotica chart.

Anyway. Yes, it’s available at Amazon CA I’m still getting feedback about that, which is great. My newest book, which is Savage Fever is the first in a series it’s also available on Amazon Kindle and Kindle unlimited. It’s bomb. Yo, it’s a quick read. So like, if you don’t have a lot of time, but you love to read and you love drama and you love, it’s kind of like it’s very much like television.

You definitely are watching something unfold and it’s episode one. You want to get into it drops the fire. Yo the savages a common baby. Yes. I’m working on episode two. It should be out shortly. I thank y’all for rocking with me. Y’all always hold me down. Thank you so much for everybody who reaches out to me is like, can I have a signed copy of the book?

I’m gonna buy one directly from your app. Appreciate that. I love that. Thank you. And so next time when we can exchange power or hold your peace. Yeah.

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