Phoenix Hey all, What up? Welcome to Life as P I’m your host, Phoenix Ash. If this is your first time joining me, thank you, I appreciate it. I don’t know how you heard. But I’m glad you did. And I’m glad to here if you are repeat listener, thank you for always coming back. I appreciate you. I appreciate you riding with me. If you’ve been here before, you know that I talked about, you know, the messages that have been coming to me repetitively, and so forth and what my theme has been, and Lord knows that this past week has been so trying on my emotions. I just feel like that’s my story lately. My emotions have been tried. It’s been raining, it’s been pouring. So not even like outside outside. It’s been like real sunny. But I feel like there’s been some storms going on in my life. But I talked about it before that, you know, I get the storm before rainbow, right. So like, when it’s storming is crazy. Everything is coming at me all at once is right before my elevation. So I’ve learned to appreciate the storm, it’s still tough, it still drives me to tears. Sometimes it still frustrates me. But I am solid in my knowledge, that there’s something for me after it, that there’s tools within this storm that’s being sharpened, and it’s a little uncomfortable. It’s actually a lot uncomfortable. But there’s something for me in it. And on the other side of it is, you know, the next level to my greatness. So that’s where I’m at with it right now. But oh, god, oh, god, it has been tracking, I’m talking about people who are like the closest to me not talking to me. Just stretching, trying to figure out so like, you know, I’ve had a lot of trauma in my life. And I’m not going to rehash it all right now, but it’s been a lot, you know, and I probably still not probably I know, I still have some things that have become personality traits, that is leftover from my childhood from the experiences that I’ve had. And as a child with all the trauma that I went through, I probably didn’t get the right amount of therapy, because in all honesty for what I went through, I definitely needed therapy. And although I did see a therapist, I think I started seeing when a little too late in life. But also when I saw when, as a child, I had been a couple years removed from the actual tragic incidents. And I was already in a phase of rebellion, and didn’t want to share with the therapist. So it was kind of like it didn’t produce any fruit. And then like I said, too late in life, I not too late because when I started to see a therapist in my adult life, it was to handle the trauma that was happening then. So it definitely helped me through that. But there’s still some leftover things from childhood. That’s why it’s so important, in my opinion, that we pay attention to our children, my daughter is five, and so many people are like, Oh, you teach her so much. And you know, she knows so much. And she’s, she’s so adult, like, you know, I got a friend who calls a little old lady. But primarily because she’s two years younger than I was when I lost my father, three years younger than when I was when I lost my mother and had my mother and father baby me a little too much. I may not have been able to make it through that. Not to say that I don’t do it on my daughter cuz y’all know, you know, anybody who knows me I don’t on my daughter like that is my boo, that is my mini. That’s my partner. That’s my sunshine. But you know, when she asked the question, I give her an answer. When she is interested in things that seems beyond her years. I don’t hold back. I share it with her. She may not even understand it now. But she’s definitely the type of child who will keep asking questions. And so I’ll keep giving her answers or keep helping her to look for those answers. Because I don’t know what tomorrow will bring. And if there’s something in her that seeking this knowledge, then there’s something in me that wants to help her find it. So that’s what we have with that. And you know, I don’t know why she’s so mature. And I don’t know why she has so many skills of an independent person. I don’t know what the universe or God is preparing her for. But it’s my job as a parent to aid in that preparation, if that makes any sense to anyone else. Behind me, the stuff that’s left over for my child God, you know, the people who love me, I’m so thankful for it because I can be heavy, I can be heavy me and my burdens were heavy. You know, just looking over my life, you know, I’ve had someone very close to me, who I love very dearly, said to me, you know, you’d rather die. And it was a compliment, but at the same time, it made me reflect, like, you know, you know why I rise so hard for the people that I love, in all honesty is because growing up, I wish I had that, I wish I had that feeling that, you know, no matter what you will arrive for me, you know, unfortunately, you know, I’ve had relationships, and I have a big family in some regards. But you know, we go through our stuff, and we’re not, there’s like pockets of one more close. And then people go through their own stuff, and they, you know, get in their own corner or whatever, and you lose time, you know, you go through months of not talking or whatever, for some of us, it’s yeas. And, you know, I’m not the greatest, like, you dropped the ball on me, I’m probably gonna let the ball be dropped, depending on who you are. So, you know, I definitely contribute to that, working on it, though, working on it, because I do believe that, that family love is important. But, you know, the feeling of me growing up, when I grew up, I was the only child. So with losing my parents, and, you know, being raised under the thumb of somebody who was just angry person, and just manipulative and all kinds of stuff, he was just horrible. You know, it was the feeling of, like, no one was gonna ride for me, you know, that I always felt left out there. I always felt left out there to deal with whatever it was, I was dealing, honestly, I was too young to deal with any of it on my own. And then the pressure of that being in my face all the time. I was definitely too young and a burden that But somehow, someway, I made it through somehow some way. And, and you know, people be like, I went through such and such, and I’m fine. Okay, wait, hold up, I may not be fine. Let me be clear, I may not be fine. I have moments when I’m not fine. Okay. And yeah, I’m super old compared to when I was going through the tragedy. But we have this expectation that age somehow makes you heal, nah, then how we go. And I think that that expectation comes from the people who don’t want to be burdened with your burden, don’t want to be shouldering your pain, it’s heavy, it’s heavy, and it’s not, you know, an anger against that person who doesn’t want to show that pain, but it’s heavy, they have their own. So we have to try to figure out some way, which is why I’m a big advocate of therapy, go to therapy, those people pay to show at least some of this stuff. Oh, you know, go to therapy. But you know, it’s heavy. And sometimes, as old as I am, I don’t know how much or how little to share with someone. And I’ll give you an example. I have a friend who, like I said, is very close to me, I love very dearly, and will often ask me what’s wrong, or, you know, I can share what I’m going through. But I feel like I have to start keeping things to myself because it’s heavy. And this friend is always positive. Well, for the most part, they’re always positive. And I’m afraid that I’m gonna drain their positivity, I’m afraid that I’m going to give them too much heavy lifting, and that they’re going to see me as weak and as a liability. And that’s my own issue. That’s not their issue. That’s not what they’re making me feel like, that’s me. That’s me worrying. I felt like that most of my life, you know, when I was raised by my aunt. And growing up, I always thought about, like, what big career I was gonna have, and what amount of money I was gonna have, because I constantly felt like I had to pay her back for raising me. Some people you know, is like, well, this is the way that they love you. And I owe them my love because they love me no more. No, I don’t, no one owes you their heart, no matter what you invested. Nobody owes you their heart, I’d never want anybody to force their heart towards me. Because they feel obligated. I want you to be in my life loving me because you just feel like I just want to, because that’s how I’m going to love you. I don’t love out of obligation for real for real. I do not hate me be mad at me. I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I’m sorry, no more loving out of obligation. No, I want to love you because I want to and because I see the beauty in loving you and the beauty in you rising and you seeking joy in your life. And you know, my love is long lasting. But at the same time, I have to measure, you know, my love for myself too. And I have to make sure that I’m not positioning myself to live a life that I don’t want to live, to deal with situations that just are not right for me. And I don’t ever want, there was a time in my life where I felt so trapped. Like, there was no way out that I had built this box for myself and I just could not get out. And I just, you know, I was isolated. I was not sharing my experiences with most people. I was keeping things to myself and I was shouldering my pain, the pain of my house, the pain of my relationship. I was harboring all that stuff. And in trapping myself within it. And I’m like no more, no more. It’s not to say that I don’t still deal with emotional issues I just told you it’s a very trying emotional week, you know, growth is hard. You know, I am in a space where I’ve never really been the type to bite my tongue. Never really. I’ve like kept things to myself, but you’ve been able to like read it on my face. or read it in my attitude, all of that. So in theory, I’m not biting my tongue. And it’s probably best that way. Because in those moments, we read it on my face and read it in my attitude is probably best, I don’t say what’s in my mind. best for everyone. Trust because you know, I’m a writer. So as long be mad, creative, mad, deep and mad, just hurtful. It’s just let me Shut up. But I am in a space where I’m speaking up for myself. And when I feel hurt or slighted, I say it. And for some people, it’s too much. For some people. It’s just like, Damn, she always liked it. But you know, sometimes I’m like, do you think to yourself, well, damn, how come I’m always sliding her? I mean, you know, there’s a balance, right? Yes, I’m probably extremely sensitive. Probably not probably I am extremely sensitive, but you know, I have some stuff to work out. Okay, that doesn’t negate the fact that you are off putting and sometimes violate me. It doesn’t, doesn’t negate that I’ve been violated. And I know it’s hurtful to feel like you’ve been told that you hurt someone that you care about. You know, it’s what we got to work through so that we don’t repeat the offense. So that sometimes we look at ourselves because if you are repeating this offense with someone, you may be repeating this offense with everyone. You know what I mean? As a society we victim blame, you know what I’m saying? Like the whole art Kelly thing? You know, I don’t feel what our Kelly, it’s difficult because I’m a woman, because I’ve once been a young girl taken advantage by older dudes, there’s so many layers to why just, you know, I used to love his music. And I can’t find that, you know, if it comes on, like, you know, my instinct is to hum along or to sing the words, but, you know, I try. I just, I just can’t. And he need therapy too. But anyhow. But you know, as a society, we victim like, you know, like, what would a girl’s doing there, or they were old enough to make these decisions, or, you know, they just fast or all these things. And it’s just like, all of that is layers. You don’t just wake up and be fast. You know, I’m saying like this stuff happening in your life contributing to that. There’s images in your life contributing to that there’s access to stuff, there’s mismanagement of where you are and how old you are and your hormones. You know, people just leave you as a young girl to just manage your hormones, like, you know, what the hell to do with this stuff. You know, that’s why you know, I feel bad sometimes for my daughter because she don’t have no older siblings. She don’t have no younger siblings to feel responsible for so that she can make more responsible decisions so that she you know, cuz she’s being an example to somebody younger behind her, she has no older siblings to look towards to say, you know, teach me, you know, have me on guard, you know, prepare me. So I’m trying to play these roles. As you know, Mom, older sister, like, you know, try not to always give things in a mom role. And then I realize I can’t do this shit by myself. Okay? So you know, I’m very adamant about paying attention to the people who around us like, I can’t give you a bunch of siblings, because right now the bars closed. However, however, I can manage the adults that are in your life, and do what I can to make sure those adults are pouring into you, and not extracting or taken advantage of, or exposing you to something that just don’t even make sense for you at age, something that’s gonna confuse you or make you be hard on yourself or have unrealistic expectations of yourself, you know, just adults who can just pour into you, someone poor baby, Yes, she’s a little old lady because she’s got a bunch of adult friends. But they’re the people who are gonna look out for her and protect her. And a few of them have kids of their own, who have sort of like, taken her under like, as a little sister. And then I love to see, I have a girlfriend who has a two year old and my baby just calls that her little sister and I love to see that because me, and my mom was so close, um, she was in my wedding, I just, I love to see that. So you know, I’m making do piecemealing the family together from baby, she doesn’t have her natural grandparents are not alive, you know, my parents are not alive. Her father’s mom is not alive. And I don’t know where her father’s father is. But, you know, she has some makeshift grandparents were really, you know, nobody who is around her on a daily basis, or even on a weekly basis at this point. But you know, we’re just making do, we’re piecemeal, in a family together, give her her the pockets of experiences that I can, you know, trying to be the most and you know, we’re figuring this life out, because I have a lot of emotional work, and she’s going to grow up and have our own. But if I can somehow contribute to her skipping over the emotional work that I had to do, that’s what I’m gonna do. That’s what I’m gonna do. So I’m gonna fight these battles and go through these emotionally tough weeks, in hopes that this baggage is not baggage I pass on. I just feel like as parents, even as entrepreneurs, as writers, you know, we bring a lot of elements to the table. It’s never just the one element that we’re facing. It’s never I’m at the table of parenting, and I’m bringing myself as a parent, right, I’m bringing myself as a person. So when I bring myself as a parent to the table, I’m bringing myself as an entrepreneur, as a writer, as a podcaster. As someone who works for a sponsor, as a woman, who has been married, who has been dated, who is, you know, taking advantage of who’s survived who is taking advantage of other people, sometimes, you know, very wrongly so but you know, just as a whole person, when I show up at the table, each table, I show up, as I show up as a whole person, I have baggage from other parts of my life that are going to seep in, no matter how hard we try, or how specific we think we’re being to the moment we are bringing our experiences with us. Okay, so I’m cleaning house, okay. And sometimes it makes you sweat. That’s them tears, yo. That’s them tears. I don’t regret speaking up for myself. I don’t regret letting someone know how I feel. I don’t regret letting them know that I felt this for a long time. We’re either going to deal with it or not. I will receive whatever it is that they have in me. I feel like most of my life, people have told me what was wrong with me. And where I’ve gone wrong. And put, when people violate me put the pressure on me to think about what I did to contribute to this violation or what circumstance I set for this violation to happen. With some degree, it makes sense. But then in other degrees, like your whole lot, people just dickheads just, it was unnecessary. But whatever. It’s a lot of work. And sometimes the work makes you sweat. But I’m gonna do it because when my daughter shows up to the table, I want her to show up as her whole self. And the parts of her mommy and daddy and the people who have poured into her the village that has raised her. I want them to be the best parts as much as I can. You know, I can’t totally control everything. I can’t totally control how she’s impacted by everything, but I can do what I can. And I’m going to do the best that what I can so that I increase the chances of her showing up with the best parts of us because I don’t want to pass on the baggage of my emotions. I’ve seen it happen. I’ve seen it where you know parents can’t get along or, you know, whatever, it’s just a really rocky home situation. And you pass on the baggage. I’ve seen kids, you know, people are like, well, she’s five, and you know, she’s not gonna pass a little bit. And that’d be like, you don’t know, I have friends who have been in tumultuous family situations from childhood, and at three and at five, you know, develop like this way of quietly processing and building into who they are as 40 year olds. So, I’ve seen the evidence, you know, I’ve talked to my therapist and talked to friends who are licensed in therapy. We don’t like to face those childhood traumas spilling out into adulthood, but they happen, and we need to address them and you know, figure out how to heal ourselves, but also be compassionate towards others. And at the same time, sometimes that compassion towards others. Sometimes we have to set boundaries for that. I am good for that. I’m so compassionate towards your issues that not only do I make them my own, but I keep you in my life way too long. Even though you keep violating me because I’m being compassionate to what you experienced as a child. So it makes me overcompensate. And the reason why I overcompensate is because I didn’t get rid of my own shit. So it’s my own trauma. That’s identifying with chores for way too long. Like it’s complicated, y’all is layers, layer layers, but the whole purpose of all it is is for us to heal and move on. Right, and we want to elevate and go to our next level. So I’ve had a trying week, hopefully you have not had a trying week. But if you have, I’m here with you. Okay, but we still stand in. We’re surviving. We’re thriving, right? Because it’s moments. It’s moments. We’re not gonna live in the trauma. We’re not going live in the drama. We are going to survive and thrive. And just here I’m Rami. Yes, whatever. Okay, whatever. In my book. Yeah, it’s been trying and we have these moments. And that’s okay. Because I feel like they contribute to the wealth of growth that’s coming for us. So yes, I’m in a storm. I’m in quite a bit of storm. But I’m gonna pick my head out. I’m gonna pick my head out, not just for a second. For a while. I’m gonna pick my head out. I’m not going to let it hold me in place. I’m not going to let it cower me in a corner. I’m going to brave the storm and I’m going to get through and you know, I want to see what’s on either side. Because I know it’s great. I know. It’s great. It’s great for me, and it’s great for you. What’s on the other side of your storm? Is the next level to your greatness forreal for real, alright child until the next time, when I’m not even I give all my handles and stuff like that out because like you know what to find me. This one was just straight about like, I just love Yo, I love on y’all, you will be fine. You will be okay. I will be fine. I will be okay. Alright. And we’ll both be great. Alright, until the next time when we could exchange power. I love you guys. Peace.