What’s On Your Table?

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life as p
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Phoenix Ash


Do you ever feel as though your friends or family use you as a sounding board for their negativity? Maybe you feel like you’re constantly drained because you are trying to be a supportive friend but end up taking on everyone’s emotions or dramas. In this episode, Phoenix helps us re-evaluate the way we communicate with others and how we show ourselves to the world. Giving moral support and providing love will always open new doors for us. Dwelling on the negative only contributes to it’s power.

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Phoenix Hello, hello, hello, welcome to Life as P, I’m your host, Phoenix Ash. If you are a first time listener, thank you so much for joining me, wherever you heard about it, thank you. If somebody retweeted it, put you on, whispered in your ear, whatever. Or if you’re just searching for podcasts and decide to land on mine, I appreciate you. If you are a repeat listener, you know, I love you, I tell you all the time, I’m gonna keep telling you because I appreciate you being here. Let me ramble on. I’m an author, a mom, I am divorced. Um, there’s a whole bunch of stuff that I am. And I announced that because you will hear from my show that there’s layers to this thing, pursuing my dream pursuing the life that I want to live. And there’s just so many things that are happening, so many moving pieces, that I just feel like I have to talk about it all. So I can get it all organized and straight and know what I’m supposed to learn from it. So that I could walk as my best self. And hopefully, you will hear some of my stories or hear some of the things that I’m learning and sharing and be able to apply to your own life. So your own pursuit of happiness, and walking your full self as well. I love to see people elevate, I love to see people get to the next level of their life or, you know, accomplish their goals and live out their dreams, I think it’s a beautiful thing. And I’m so very thankful and so grateful that I have had the opportunity to do so myself, and continue to find new opportunities to live out that best full life. I’m very excited about what life has to offer. But you know, I talked about the messages that I received throughout the week, and the things that are coming to me over and over and over again. And when I hear those messages, and they’re repetitive, or there’s things that’s happening, there’s multiple examples of the same thing. I feel like, you know, that’s the thing I’m supposed to pay attention to. And for this week, I really feel like I want to know, you know, what do you what’s on your table? You know, what do you sit and wait, I feel like we all have our own table we all have, you know, like when you say what do you bring to the table? It’s, you know, your table, I’m sitting at someone else’s. And at the same time, they said that mine. So what is it that I’m serving? What is sitting on my table? What am I sitting with? And I think about that, when I think about recipes, DMX and the things that he apparently struggled with in terms of addiction, but also the joy that he tried to emanate when he lived his life. We see so many examples, particularly if you’re on Twitter, there’s a lot of examples, a lot of videos being put out there of how he just fully embrace life and how he was easy going, joyful, talkative, but I feel like that’s the Sagittarius and I was right. I feel like every Sagittarius I know is talkative, particularly these December Sagittarius I am one. And you see, I can’t shut up. But very anxious to share what he’s learning and what he was learning in life and his revelations and so forth. And I think that a lot of people receive the blessing from him, sharing what it was. Also with his transparency, it wasn’t a secret that he struggled, it wasn’t a secret that he’s sometimes walk the line between, you know, having unhealed so to speak, you know, his faith was strong, but at the same time, there were times that he felt weak, and that, you know, he could not answer the call. So is that’s a lot of stuff to unpack. So it definitely made me think about like, what is it that I’m sitting with? What is it that is at my table? What am I serving the people who are joining me, what am I serving the people who meet me, the people who I invite into my life, and one of the things that I feel like I’m happy to say has shifted finally shifted because it took a long time to shift for a long time I was serving grudges. And I would say that because anybody who knew me knew that I could hold the grudge for a very long time and I could be bitter towards you, or I can be nasty towards you because of whatever slight, I feel that you issued. Now I will say this, that if I’m holding a longtime grudge is probably because you did multiple things, multiple offenses for a very long period of time, because it takes me a long time to come to the place of where I can agree with myself to cut you out of my life altogether. And when I say that has shifted is not that I give people who have slighted me so much access to me. But I refuse to sit with the feeling of anger, I refuse to sit with being upset. You know, I may be upset in the moment, I may go through all these emotions in the first five minutes, 10 minutes, maybe even the first hour. But what you had me experience, whether it be based on your behavior, or just things that are happening, that are out of my control, that are not in alignment with what I want for my life, you know, I talked about last week how I eat my consequences, like I just eat it. And I feel like that’s part of the shift is to just eat it. Because, you know, I had something happened earlier today where it really brought me down for a second because someone was acting in a way that it wasn’t that I was in total disbelief, I was just totally disappointed. And the things that were coming out of their mouth, I just was like, Damn, I hoped that you wouldn’t be this person, I hope that you wouldn’t take me down this avenue. I hoped that, you know, you would see things differently. But you’re being consistent with who you are, who I’ve always known you to be, and who you’ve been with other people outside of me all that to say that I could have easily had a bad day, particularly because the encounter was early in the morning. And I struggled with the encounter for a while because there are a couple of people who are extremely close to me, who want to know what’s going on with me. I have one friend in particular who is very adamant about me not carrying my heavy burdens alone. However, at the same time, I don’t want to be the person who constantly unloads on someone and makes their day heavier, and makes their emotions riled up and makes them have to calm down and cool off. And, you know, I don’t want you to sit with my shit on your mind all day. But at the same time, you know, if you have a friend that gives you permission to unload, I think it’s safe to assume that they have a way to manage what they receive. At least I know my friend has the way to manage what’s been received, and not carry it through today. But you know, it was another moment that I was like, Am I gonna sit with this? Am I gonna make all kinds of bad decisions for the rest of the day? Am I going to soak? What am I going to do? So at one some old school, Michael Jackson. And I started dancing. And my daughter caught on and she started dancing with me. And we had a ton of giggles. And we moved and we got ourselves going. And I got my mind off of the heaviness that could have easily taken over my day. And it was a conscious decision not to sit with something, not to carry it into my next hour. Not to cry or soak about it the next day. I know if you’ve been a longtime listener, you know that I’m of the mind like cry today, plan tomorrow. So yeah, one day to be full of emotion, to spill out everything, let it fall from your, from your eyes, everything, let it just go all through your body. And then the next day like I shake it off, it’s time to plan it’s time to pursue what that thing is that would make this matter less. Honestly, that’s really what it is I need to make this matter less. And I like fluorophore I’m just proud of myself. I was so crazy. Like, you know, we’re taught like you know, don’t don’t be all over yourself. Don’t be conceited or whatever. But in moments like this, like fucka humility. I’m proud of myself for rofo It took an awful long time to get here but I’m glad I’m here because I feel like now that I don’t let things sit with me. I feel like my life is is so much better, is so much fuller, is easy, particularly when you’re a creative and you’re pursuing a dream or passion. And you’re trying to get in alignment with different companies, whether it be television companies, publishing companies, film production studios, music studios, whatever producers, it’s easy to let stuff sit with you, people in the industry can be very disrespectful. They can also be extremely truthful, where you have to like measure was a disrespect or just raw honesty. Constantly, like weighing stuff out doing the math. And rejection is hard. And rejection happens an awful lot. So like, if you just starting to, like pursue anything creative, and you’re trying to get into any kind of industry, just understand, if you get rejected 50 times that’s norm does not, if you get rejected 500 times that’s norm is norm. So rejection is hard. And when you have to receive it over and over and over again, it could make you bitter, could make you nasty, it could make you have an opinion about something as a whole. But I encourage you to not sit with it and not put it on your table and not serve it. I think that when we go through stuff like that, like constant rejection, or people not understanding our work, and so forth, we get to a place where we sometimes communicate to a new person who’s interested in what we do. We communicate our frustrations, we communicate where we haven’t been heard, we communicate where we feel the industry has failed us, whatever it happens in relationships to, I’m still struggling with, you know, not necessarily communicating where I feel somebody else failed me. Or even harping on the things that I’ve accepted, which I shouldn’t have. But you know, I’m not perfect yet. I’m on my way. Seriously, though, you know, but careful of what you which is serving, you know, what is it that you’re sitting with? What’s sitting with you what’s covering you what, you know, when someone comes to greet you with what are they eating? You know, what are you feeding them? My hope is that when someone meets me and engages with me that they feel that I’m serving them love that. I’m your encourager, I am going to lift you up. I’m going to promote your business, I’m going to say yes, you can do it. I’m going to give you the knowledge. I’m going to do all of that because I care. Once I care about you forget it, I’m all in the shade. What is it that you want to do? Oh, what is it that you see yourself doing? Okay, so what do you need me to do to help? Like, I’m all in your biz. But you know, it’s my way of caring. And God forbid, you know, that’s just me hearing about you, me like loving you and feeling like I totally love you. Oh my god, I’m kicking it up five notches. It is just what it is. But, you know, I want you to feel fed with positive stuff. And when I’m going through a lot of negative stuff, it’s very difficult to feed the people around me positive experiences and positive feelings. So I’m trying to be more conscious of that. Because I don’t like I said I don’t want to be the friend that constantly unloads and every day you speak to me I got some negative story and all day is negative and all day I’m in my feelings and all day I got tears coming down my eyes. I don’t want to be that person. So because I don’t want to be I won’t be the decision I decidedly not that person but you know we have to revisit sometimes because we sometimes just go and go and go and go and go and don’t pause to say where are we at and is this in alignment with who I want to be how I want to be how I want to live my life. So you know, like what are you serving was such a table would you sit and wait? What do you say when I come to you and I like literally you at the table and I’m coming in I’m sitting down and I’m like Nice to meet you. What am I meeting because like you know, if you have a meal right and somebody’s sitting down at the table with you, they’re gonna meet the food before they meet you. You know I’m saying like you at the other end of the table whether you across from them or at the other end so like your food is already laid out on the table and somebody comes to join you. The food is closer to them than you are so what you given off is closer to them. Then who you really are or the core of you. So what do you give off? What are you shining a light on? What is it is it everything that You know, that has torn you down all your traumas? is a, how unfair life has been to you? Is it? Who you’ve lost? Is it how you lost? What is it? What do you shining your light on? Because I feel like we all have a light. And I’m just curious, like, what are you shining your light on my hope, like I said is that I’m shining my light on my thankfulness, my gratefulness, and my abundance and so much abundance that I’m pouring into other people. And sometimes I forget that, that’s my intention. And I get wrapped up in what it is that I’m actually quote unquote, going through, without paying attention to the fact that I’ve been through so much, that it’s a guarantee I’m gonna survive. I’m good on I’m gonna be alright, I know that for sure. And, you know, sometimes I don’t know, like, I got to write it down so that I don’t get too wrapped up in the experience of what’s happening. It’s a gift and a curse. Because, you know, getting wrapped up in what’s happening is also what allows me to communicate in my books authenticity, because I can tap into an emotion that I’ve already felt tap into an experience I’ve already had, in order to connect to you as a reader. So that’s the gift in it, but the curse in it is that if I sit with it too long, I start to radiate that emotion. And when people meet me, or people see me or greet me, or call me or whatever, I can give that off. And, you know, to me, that’s energy transfer. So you to get negative shit, you know, transfer it into my life, and here I am giving it off. So other people, and it becomes a barrier, you know, this people will be like, you know, I’m gonna call you for a little while, I’m gonna text you for a little while, because I’m gonna let you get your feelings together, I’m gonna let you get your emotions together. I don’t want to hear that I, you know, my, as somebody who’s like that, where she’s got so much going on in her life, I feel like she don’t even know like she has a threshold. She can, she’s very solution oriented. So because she’s solution oriented, she can take but so much of you complaining about your current state, without you’re moving to a solution. So she’s trying to give you a solution, help you with it, brainstorm, she’s waiting for you to say you come up on it or whatever. But she can’t keep hammering the same issue over and over and over again, for long periods of time. She can’t, it’s something that you just got to know. I unfortunately, am able to receive your negative energy, I have a high tolerance for it. So you can keep giving it to me, I could keep listening, I could keep feeling bad for you. I could keep you know, I’m solution oriented as well. I want to, you know, keep dipping into the basket of solutions and say, Well, what about this? What about this? What about this? What about this, but it does take me a long time to start to be like, Okay, let me put up a barrier here. Because I’m receiving a little too much. And I feel like it’s overtaking me and my whole mental state? And how can I be healthy and be there for you? If I’m inheriting your negative feelings? And if that’s taken over me, then like, where do we both go? Should we just both sign up for a therapist at that point. But I just want to make sure that that’s not what I’m sitting with that when some somebody comes to greet me, that I’m not taking on all the trauma, and having them be introduced to my trauma before they are introduced to the core of me, because at the core of me is my positivity at the core of me is my want for you to succeed, my want for you to live your best life, my want for you to be happy, as many moments as you possibly can go from joy to joy to joy to joy, if it’s possible for you. So that’s at the core of me. So I don’t want you to meet my traumas first. I don’t want you to meet my pain first. You see what I’m saying? And it is a lot of pain in it is a lot of trauma. But I don’t want you to see that first. You know, if you’re interested, you may get to that point, or if we’re intimate enough or close enough. You know, I may share those things with you. But I’m also conscientious about who I’m sharing with. I feel as though I share specifically with people who I think have developed a way for themselves to not carry my stuff throughout the different portions of their life. And I know to some degree think like you know, that’s sort of like you think your stuff is that big and heavy that somebody would carry that stuff. But we do we carry each other stuff because we care about each other and sometimes we spend hours thinking about a solution for us to suggest to somebody else. So I just want to make sure that you know, I can share it with you, I could share with you in the moment, we could talk it out, you can either give me advice, listen to me, whatever, we can have a dialogue or whatever. But my hope is that four or five hours from now You ain’t thinking about it. I don’t want you thinking about my stuff I offer my negative stuff. Now, if you think about my work, like my books and stuff, yeah, think about that stuff all day long. All day. You know what I mean? Because that’s my work. That’s my pride. But not I don’t want you feeling sorry for me five hours from now, because of something I told you, or 10 hours from now, because I had a rough morning, we have rough mornings. And if you’re the person that I’m talking to, I want to be able to get through that rough morning with you. And then I want us both to have a better day, if you feel like you want to share with me in exchange or whatever I want to be able to receive. But then I want us both to have a better day later on. So I’m trying to pay attention to what it is that I’m sitting with, what emotions am I sitting with? What traumas am I sitting with, and is the core of me being pushed to the forefront so that when someone comes to join me at my table, they are meeting the true me, not the traumatic me, not the broken me, not the My heart is heavy, this hurts so bad me. But the me that says, Yeah, which what you’re about to do, come on, let’s go do this, let you know, let’s find a way for us to build, let’s find a way for us to get to the next level, that’s the me that I want you to meet. That’s what I want to sit with. That’s what I want out on my table, not just anymore, but out on my table, so that you can eat that. And I don’t I don’t even know if that analogy works for anybody. Or if it makes any sense because I’m tired. If it does make sense to you, you know, I hope you can get what you can get from it. Because, you know, I’m just trying to pay attention to what I’m feeding the people that I care about. If I invite you into my life, or I accept you into my life, or even if I’m just interested in being in yours, I’m trying to pay attention to what we feed in each other. Because sometimes, you know, you see somebody, like in a relationship, you see somebody they find his ugh, like they just so fine, and they just so attractive, and you just want to get with them. And then you meet some other stuff before you get to the core of them. And you know, I don’t care how fine you are. If you’ve got some stuff that I don’t necessarily need to accept in my life, you know, I’m gonna cut it short. I don’t want to be the person who get cut short, because I’m feeling all this negativity, or I’m radiating this negativity or this sadness, or just sadness. You know, I don’t knock anybody from how to grieve or how to handle trauma and stuff like that. But for me in my, you know, cry today, plan tomorrow. And I feel like DMX was such a great example of struggling with something, but not having that be the thing that you meet when you meet him. There’s so many people who have so many wonderful stories about him, because he was serving them something else. He wasn’t serving him his addiction. He wasn’t serving them his struggle. Did he talk about it? Did he, you know, have intimate moments with people or intimate moments with his music, where he shared it? Absolutely. But he didn’t sit with it. So much so that there was something else that radiated from him. And I could appreciate the lesson in that, that despite everything that you know, people think because you have money life is easy, but when you struggling with stuff like addiction, all kinds of stuff happening in the background money is less important. Because everything else is so much of a struggle. You can’t buy away that struggle, but still, you know, he’s like you’re gonna receive something else from his energy. And his energy was always so transferable like that was beautiful. So yeah, that’s that’s what I’m feeling like, I’m paying attention to this week. What I’m sitting with what’s what’s on my table, what am I serving and what you’re going to get when you meet me for referral particularly not everybody getting vaccinated you notice gonna be a lot of meetings. Let’s see about that. But anyway, that’s my soapbox spiel for today. If you want to get at me You can certainly do so on Twitter I’m @pwrites and P-W-R-I-T-E-S I get reckless on air a little now and again, but you know, just let me anyway. I think I’ve been pretty cool recently though. If you want to get at me on Facebook, I’m Phoenix Ash. You can join my reader group which is Phoenix’s fireflies and that’s fire spell FIYAH.  You know, get out and get up in a reader group since imma drop a little, you know extras in there, whether it be sneak peeks or pictures of me and baby girl or whatever. If you want that like personal experience, you can definitely get up in there plus the people in my group is so freakin cool. They love on each other. So definitely get you some of that. Instagram, I’m @pwrites P-W-R-I-T-E-S. You know, you may get a few different things on here as well. If you want to purchase books, I would definitely appreciate that Hotels is the newest, it’s an anthology. And one of the author’s i think is a great collection of books. It’s Inspired by Jasmine solvents, album hotels, there’s a lot of twists and turns in there. It is what you think but it’s not what you think. You know what I mean, I feel like you can only really get the gist of what I’m saying by picking it up. It’s available on Amazon available on Kindle free on Kindle unlimited. My savage fever series y’all. I’m working on the finale tonight. I know I’m constantly saying I’m working on it, but I am it’s a work in progress. I’m not doing it all at one time. Pick up episodes one through four. They’re all available on Kindle all free on Kindle unlimited. Yo savage fevers dope, and I know I got a lot of you waitin in for the finale. But you know, I can’t disappoint. I can’t just slap it together. You know, I mean, that’s not my style. So I’m not even going to try to do that. But yeah, check me out on Amazon, you can follow me as the author, if you want to pick up books, I had this really dope shout out on Instagram, somebody slipped up in my inbox. Never had any interaction with them before. And they had just read like a bunch of my books. And they just wanted to tell me that they enjoyed my writing and so forth. And so you know, my little soft behind I was volunteers. Because that was like. This is so beautiful. I appreciate those messages. So if you feel those kinds of ways, please get at me. Or if you matter the character word up, get out me talk about it because you never know it could open my mind to some other perspectives and you know, may affect what I write in the future. I’m always looking to get better. I’m always looking to develop my craft and always interested in what somebody who’s read my work feels or thinks. Sometimes it’s things but that’s okay, I heal and move on. So don’t even worry about that. If you’ve got to tell me all my wrongs, because I’m not gonna sit with it. You see what I did there? All right. Anyway, thank you so much for joining me. I love you all until the next time when we can exchange power Peace.

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