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Phoenix: Well, hello there. Welcome to Life As P. I’m your host Phoenix Ash. And I thank you for joining me. It’s been a while. At least it feels like it’s been a while. I don’t know. Life been life and summer been summering actually went more places than I normally would during the summer.
So I guess, you know, that’s a blessing I’ve given myself more time. I’ve made sure to take advantage of certain opportunities. So that I could get out there and live life. Um, cause sometimes it feels like I’m just not doing that. I just got my head down and I’m like, okay, I gotta write these books. I gotta help the sponsor.
I gotta do this. I gotta do that. But living life is important. Uh, especially for a writer, at least I feel to give me content, to spark my ideas, uh, for me to experience things. If you’ve ever read any of my books and felt like. The character experiences were rather authentic. It’s because I live life a little bit and I take a little bit of what’s happening around me.
What’s happening within me, my past, uh, what I dream of the future, all those things together and kind of piece it together and, and, and, a lot of it is imagination. So please don’t read Savage fever and think that I’m , I’m off the hook. I might be a little bit, but not to the degree the drop is, but, um, anyway, welcome.
I’m thinking about, I know I’m rambling. I’m going on, off the deep end real quick, but you know, I’m kind of excited about some perspective shifts that I’ve had and really just being in a place for myself where I’m making room for what I want. And that’s what I wanna talk to you guys about making room for what you want.
I kind of feel like I’ve been doing this for a couple of years now in terms of my divorce, designing the circle that is around me. Choosing to relocate. I’ve been just, you know, clearing out some old things, some old habits, some old feelings in my life and making room for the kind of life I want is not enough to just say I want X, Y, and Z can X, Y, and Z be accommodated in my life.
Do I have the room for it? You know, I want friends who are, believing in themselves, believing in each other, encouraging each other, being positive, having mindsets that foster a life of going forward, making progress and really living life to the fullest. But, you know, how does that happen when I’m surrounded by people who are down on themselves, down on life, don’t think it’ll get any better.
Can’t see the sunshine can’t and you know, not to say that I can’t tolerate, you know, bouts of depression or bouts of sadness, because I absolutely can. I very much love my friends through those times as they love me through my times. But when you refuse to see the sunshine at all, ever, when everything is combative, when everything is a fight, when everything is everybody trying to play, you trying to hurt you.
It’s a little, much, it’s so much for me that when I overhear myself complaining too much talking too much, being too negative that I become too much for myself because that is not the energy that I wanna walk in. I don’t wanna be surrounded by that complaining energy by that, you know, this is not enough.
This is not good enough. You know, why is everybody trying to hurt me? My feelings are hurt. Why are you doing this? Like, I don’t wanna be around too much of that. Um, so when I exude it, I start to hear myself and shut it down and be like, wait a minute, because that’s not in alignment with what I want for myself.
And I recognize that when I open my mouth and I talk, I’m talking to the universe and I’m letting the universe know where my focus is and the universe being so good to me is like, oh, that’s what she’s focused on. Let me send her more of that. Well, if it’s going to send me more of that, let me focus on.
Prosperity let me focus on fulfillment. Let me focus on joy. Let me focus on living out my dream life and how I attain that. Let me focus on that. Let me focus on love. I, you know, I’m at a place where I think I’m starting to open up to accepting love in my life in, in a romantic form. I think, I think, um, I’m still very afraid of it, but I’m trying to move past that fear.
I still. Trust many people I’m trying to move past that. And, but still balance it with discernment, but you know, I’m making room for it and recognizing the habits or the friendships or the things in my life that are unhealthy or that don’t, that don’t pour into my desire to, to sort of move those things to the side and back up off of them so that I can make room.
To have the things that I want poured into my life. I took a long time to pursue my dream of being a writer and my dream of being a writer came in many shapes and forms. So now that I say that, I think maybe I didn’t take a long time to pursue it. I think I took a while to be aggressive, but you know, if you’ve listened to the podcast before, you know that, you know, on my younger days I wrote.
I wrote songs and, you know, I recorded some stuff in studios I wrote for other people. And so I did that. I did a lot of that stuff for free. I’m gonna be honest with you. A lot of it for free and never really pursued with aggression, a lifestyle or a, a career in that realm. I thought I was pursuing it, but I really had no idea where to go, what to do, who to talk to, no matter how much I was around it.
But I also had people in my life who were very hesitant to let me go forward in that being afraid of me being a woman in that industry and what may be asked of me, never minding what I would say no to , but, um, and I allowed that. You know, I totally don’t blame those people. I talk to myself about, I allowed that I, you know, I have control over me and I set my boundaries and I decide who’s around me.
Who’s not, and what counsel I listen to. And I think that’s very important for us cuz sometimes we’d be like, you know, this person told me such and such and such and we don’t take accountability for whose council we’re seeking. You know, if this person has never done it never fulfilled. It never went forward with it, you know, is that the council that we should seek?
You know, now when I consider a decision of there’s, you know, a course that I want to take, I’ll give you that as an example. And, you know, I talked to someone who took the course and got their feedback, but I also am arranging to talk to someone who works in that particular industry. and could give me feedback from another angle in terms of how to network what’s available.
Is it realistic? How do you move within it? Is it worth, you know, the investment or whatever, and how did they make it happen for themselves? That’s a conversation that I need to have, um, before going forward with taking this course, because it means this much to me, and I’m hoping that it will be in alignment with some of the other things that I want in my life.
Trying to just pull everything together. I know long time ago I was talking about, and I still feel this way. I just don’t talk about it as much, but pulling my lives together, like feeling like I had too many pockets of life going on simultaneously, and it was getting very difficult for me to focus very difficult for me to, um, put all the energy into one particular pocket that I felt was necessary in order for that pocket to.
because I was just spread too thin. So just really working relentlessly to pull all the strings together so I could get this life aligned and live this one good life for me. And you know, it’s not an easy task I’m doing it. I feel like I’m way, way further down the line than I was a year ago, two years ago, three years ago, you know, and sometimes it takes that long.
To be able to look back and recognize the progress. I just need to make more room. It’s an ongoing process because I’ve gotten some new friendships and some new alignments that, you know, were good for a particular period in my life. But then it’s starting to look like it’s, it’s out of alignment with what I want.
And sometimes that happens because what I want changes. Or, I don’t know if it necessarily changes or evolves or even it’s me evolving and getting to the point where I can clearly accept what it is that I want. When I say I want love in my life. And partnership to some degree. I probably always wanted it even after my divorce.
You know, I was definitely afraid of it while I was going through separation cause I just was like, I don’t wanna do this again. This was, you know, draining and oh my God. And then the process of divorce, like I just. It’s like, I don’t wanna do this again. And so I kind of convinced myself that I don’t want a relationship.
I don’t want to be serious with anyone. I just wanna kind of chill out and have a good time getting to know people, which I don’t think is bad. I think I needed that. At that stage in my life and I probably still need it. You know, I’m only couple years out of divorce. Um, about three years outta separation.
So I, I probably, you know, honestly probably need another two years to like, you know, be ready. Maybe. I don’t know. Um, but I feel myself getting ready. I, I definitely am open to it, but I think that it was just fear that I was just so afraid of it that I didn’t wanna even admit to myself that that’s what I wanted, because honestly, that’s what I wanted before I got with my ex-husband.
I wanted to be loved. I wanted to be cared for by one particular person. Well, I should say by one person and you know, I got with him because he was the one who was saying, he loved me and I was just tired. I was tired. So I. I don’t wanna make that same mistake. I don’t wanna be tired and, and just settle and just be like, well, you know, this is what it is.
I definitely don’t want anyone to do that to me because I feel like when I can find fault in all the things that went wrong within our marriage, that is one major fault on my side, because. I feel like you kind of sense when someone’s settling for you and you kind of sense when someone’s not all the way attracted to you.
And I think that lays the seed for rebellion and, you know, really just trying to act out and trying to like have your voice heard and. Have your face be seen and it can foster an environment of depression. So that’s my contribution. I’m sure I have a bunch of others to where we went wrong. And for that, I’m so sorry.
So I don’t want that to ever happen to me. And I don’t want to do that to anyone. And that’s in any realm, not just relationship wise, but career wise, you know, I want to have my facing to have my voice heard to have my skills, my attributes, my. What I bring to the table, so to speak or the table that I’m bringing, so to speak, to be recognized and appreciated and, and truly loved.
And I kind of think that that’s been my craving my whole life. You know, coming from a life where I’m trying not to tear up. Cause I’m thinking about it where I lost both my parents. Um, I was extremely young, you know, I was seven when my dad died eight, when my mom died, um, they died from two different cancers and I was the only child.
And just going through life, feeling like an outsider, feeling like I don’t belong anywhere, feeling very alone. Um, and then coupling that with the regular teenage and young adult heartbreaks at it just wore me out. I was tired and unfortunately I got into a marriage, a relationship. That too wore me out.
Um, not necessarily him, but just the situation. It was too much and it just wore me out. It wore me out and I totally take accountability for the fact that I wore myself out. It was what I decided to take on what boundaries I didn’t set, what expectations I didn’t have, what standards I didn’t have. And I wore myself out.
So now being the woman that I am creating boundaries and standards and, and kind of being able to put my finger on what it is that I’m looking for is, is a weird place for me, just even saying out loud that I’m looking for something feels outta place to me. I don’t know if it’s the Brooklyn girl in me or social media, is this pride of like, you know, why are you looking?
You know, something should find you. Um, you just worry about you focus on you and what needs to come will come. And that, that sounds great, but it doesn’t. Cure the crave. And I don’t think I do myself any justice by ignoring the crave and not calling it out and recognizing what it is not to say that I can’t focus on myself because I absolutely can, you know, I’m writing my books some.
Putting stuff out there. I’m getting great feedback. I’m so in love with Savage fever, you know, that was my baby. I know I was telling you guys for the longest time I’m working on it and working on working on it, just to have it out there and have people read it and appreciate it. Please leave a review.
Thank you. but, um, that is so fulfilling and I can’t wait to put the next project out there and see how that’s received. I’m trying to take my time and not rush it. You know, I’m just very excited about that portion of life. I’m excited about my daughter. She’s starting the second grade. She’s having all these new experiences.
She went horseback riding this summer. She went swimming. She’s been teaching her how to swim along with putting her in swim classes. So she’s elevating and she’s living the life that she wants to live as well. And that makes me so happy. That makes me so happy. And I think people get it twisted that like, because you’re happy and fulfilled in certain portions of your life, you know, you’re not truly happy if you’re still craving or still wanting something.
No, I don’t think that’s it. You know, I just think that there’s another portion of my life that feels like it’s missing something and. Kind of scary to have that feeling that I’m missing something because right. Aren’t aren’t I supposed to be total and fulfilled within just me individually. You know, I wasn’t built to live life alone.
I wasn’t built to go through life without the help of someone else without someone else for me to pour into. I wasn’t built for that. I wasn’t, that’s been my training. I’ve been through that, but I don’t believe that that’s what I’m built for. Cause I don’t believe I’d had this crave. If that was my destiny, I just have to continue to do what I’m doing, which is making room for what I want.
Continue to clear out, not, not just toxic relationships and, and toxic friendships and toxic job situations. Not just that. The toxins within me, the things that I’m not happy about within me, someone took, you know, I’m I stayed analyzing my body, right. Somebody took a picture from me from the side. I saw all this back fat hanging out and I’m just like, oh my God.
You know? And sometimes things like that can make me really self-conscious and, but I gotta work on it. Right. I gotta exercise. I gotta do the things that would make me more confident and sure. You know, body positivity, you wanna accept your body and all of that, but you also want to, you know, confront the things that you wanna change and make those changes, do what you can make the sacrifices necessary to confront those things that, you know, you’re not welcoming.
You’re like, ah, I don’t like that. I don’t like my bad fat. Like, I don’t like it. I don’t like the it’s like the little part by like my under armed towards my back. like, I’m like, oh, that spills out. I don’t like that. You know, I don’t like the, the flabby arms or whatever. So I’m gonna have to do some pushups.
I’m gonna have to list some weights. I’m gonna have to do some things that will help me get those things in order and get those things to a place that I want them. There’s nothing wrong with deciding that I want something for myself and working towards. it doesn’t mean I hate myself. It doesn’t mean I hate my life.
It means that it was good for now and now I want more and I want something else and that’s okay. That’s okay to want something else and I’m gonna make room for it. And so that means to make room for the body. I want, I gotta lose some of the weight that I have, and I think that’s a perfect analogy for all parts of life, to make room for the thing that I want to fill this body of space to fill this vessel, I have to lose some of the weight that I don’t want.
And. Unhealthy weight in every aspect of life. Did you hear that? My stomach is ground. I think I’m hungry. my body is desperately fighting against this analogy.
but I have to make space and we have to make room. And so just look around you and the things that don’t align with the kind of life that you want. Why are you holding on to. Why is, why is it a crutch for you? Why, why won’t you let it go? It doesn’t align. What promises have you made to yourself or to someone else that now you’ve gotten to the place where like, you know what, I probably shouldn’t have made that promise because it was unhealthy from the start and I shouldn’t have made that promise.
So let me back out of this deal and, and be okay with that accepting you were wrong. You know, we talked about that. Like it’s okay to be wrong. It’s okay. For things to not pan out in the way that you thought it would. It’s okay. You know, once you accept it, you, you can move on. It’s okay. And I tell myself that all the time, cuz I’m a very hopeful person.
You know, I hope this, I, I hope this is the thing I hope, you know, this is how I start the shift and this is how it listen. It’s when you’re this hopeful disappointment comes and it comes regularly and you have to. I refuse to lose my hopefulness in order to accommodate the disappointment. I refuse. I like the hope that I have.
I like being hopeful. I like wishing for the best I, I like the anticipation of this might be it, this, and then the disappointment. No, it’s not enjoyable, but it’s part of the process. And. It’s fine because it means I’m getting closer. I see, I see the aspects. I see the pieces of things that didn’t work, that I could still use in the next thing.
And maybe that’s all it is, is just a bunch of lessons that I have to pull together to make it work somehow some way, but I gotta make room. And that is. Where I’m going in this next season, you know, to continue to make room, but to be more intentional about making the room, I was intentional at one point.
And then I think I kind of was like, Ooh, I like this new space and kind of got used to it and stopped doing so much of the work. And before I knew it, I closed my eyes and I let some things come in that wasn’t healthy. And then I tried to convince myself that they were healthy. And , you. So now I gotta get back to the work and it’s, it’s not always easy.
It’s not, but it’s necessary for what I wanna do, who I wanna be and how I wanna live, make room for what you want, because you can have it. You can have what you want, if you make room for it. All right. That’s the soapbox. I appreciate you. I appreciate your help. I appreciate you allowing me to talk to you.
Whew. Thank you for everyone who has purchased Savage fee for. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. I would appreciate it. If you rated the book left a review. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you for not just purchasing it, but reading it. I love when people send me messages on Twitter or on Facebook or any of my DMS in like, Let’s talk about Savage fever.
I love it. I wanna talk about it. I’m actually gonna host like a book club kind of meeting, I think sometime in September. So look out for that. Get the book so you can be on it, be on the discussion. It’s gonna be a call. So it’s definitely interactive. It’s not like my podcast is not me just talking at you.
like, get it, read it. Let me know what you think. Let’s talk about it. Who’s your favorite character? I wanna know. Do you love drop? Do you not love drop? Do you love dash Warren angel? So sweet, sir. Ellen, who Moxy is Moy your favorite character. Let me know if Moie is your dude. Let’s talk about that. Um, but yes, pick up Savage fever.
It’s available on Amazon. It’s available in paperback. This time it’s available on Kindle, Kindle, unlimited so many avenues. Please pick it. I just, I wanna know, let’s talk about it. I’m thinking about getting a audio book for it, but I think I wanna read it myself. So I have to make time for that crazy.
Right. More things, but yeah. Pick it up. Cookies and crumbles. Got rereleased. So if you haven’t picked that up, please do so it has new cover. It’s on paper back it’s on Kindles. So, so did soil. Rerelease new cover on paperback on Kindle all the books, get all the books. all right, until the next time when we can exchange power.
I love you guys. Peace.