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Phoenix Ash

 

Have you ever been on a run and those last few minutes feel as though they drag on for hours? It feels even harder than the majority of the run you’ve already completed. Why is it that when we’ve made it so far the final touches of a task are usually the most difficult? In this episode, Phoenix will be sharing her own experience with that last doggone mile and explaining why perseverance to the end is critical.

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Phoenix: Hey, y’all what’s good. This is “Life As P…” and I’m your host, Phoenix Ash, they call me P. Thank you so much for joining me if you are a first time listener, I appreciate you giving me a shot. Shout out to however you heard me whether it be Twitter, Instagram, Facebook, your mother, cousin, you came across it on Spotify, iHeart Radio, Apple podcasts, however, you heard about me, thank you for joining me. If you’re a repeat listener, you already know what the deal is love, love, love, love, love, love you. Um, yo so it’s summertime is hot. It is. And as you know, I finished Savage Fever, it actually came back from the editors. So I got to do my edits and then I go to the next stage. And let me tell y’all, the whole process intertwined with the process of my daughter leaving me for an extended period of time, for the first time, she’s going to stay with her father for part of the summer. It is gut wrenching. But I’m looking at the process of leading up to the day that she leaves, as well as the process of going through this last portion for Savage Fever. And yo that last mile, is hard as fuck. That last mile is so emotional, that sometimes at least for me, it kind of takes me out the game a little bit, I delay in the steps that I need to take. She’s leaving tomorrow, and I just packed her bags today. I don’t want to pack her bags. Savage Fever needs to come out ASAP, and I’m gonna be honest with you, I got my edits back over a week ago, and I haven’t touched it. I don’t know what it is about the last mile when I used to write music, I would write this is so you know, I’m dating myself. But back then, you know, songs had three verses and they had a hook, and sometimes they had a bridge and whatever. That last verse used to just like knock the wind out of me. I don’t know why I don’t understand. It’s that last mile that’s so difficult to run, and I would imagine that a runner may experience something like that. I know when I’m on a treadmill and I’ll be doing like little, little stints like, like 15 minutes. And yes, that’s how out of shape I am 15 minutes, and I’m telling you the last two minutes, take five minutes, it feels so long.

But those are the important parts, right? Because those are the parts that carry us to finish, that’s the closest we get to finishing, all we got to do is cross over that mile and that’s, when we finish though it’s huge. And for whatever reason, so many of us, myself included, drop the ball at the last mile. You know how many times I’ve shaken my head at people who were in their senior year of high school, senior year of college, had that last mile to run and just decided I’m not going to do this anymore. I’m going to drop out. And at the time when I was seeing this most often I don’t think I truly identified but what it was they were going through or experiencing that would make them want to give up. Now I do, now I do I understand. You know how many times I want to tell myself, you know, my daughter’s not ready to go for this long period of time, you know, maybe next summer, maybe she could go for a couple of days and come right back, but this long period of time is not going to work this year, maybe next year. And then you start trying to find things that will support your argument like you know, you just started living with this woman so you know, I don’t know you might not live there next year, and you might be a little unstable or whatever. But whatever the case is, I am from the standpoint that my daughter needs the presence of her father, despite what I think of him as a dad, despite what I think of him as an ex partner, or co-parent, the importance of her knowing that her father is present is so big, especially for me because I, my father wasn’t present and it wasn’t his choice. He passed away. And he passed away when I was seven years old. And the person who was in my life was not the example of what I should see, as a man. It’s just huge, you know, because no matter how he is with me, she believes he’s good to her. And I want her to continue to have that experience, have her heart jump, have her little giggles when she talks to him, because that’s important to her development. Regardless of how hard he sometimes makes life for me. If she’s having an easier time, if she has more confidence, because she knows that the both of us are present and love her, then it’s worth it for me. When it comes to writing these books, this last mile is so excruciating, honestly. Finishing up the book, look how long it took me to finish Savage Fever, and I honestly didn’t think about it until now that it probably took me so long because it was the last mile of the series, right. I had the four episodes out, boom, boom, boom, bang them out every other month, or however they came out. And then the finale took me over a year. And yes, the finale is twice as long as the previous episodes, but still, if it took me twice as long, I would have had it out in less than six months. So that didn’t work, and yes, I moved, and yes, there was a lot going on finalizing my divorce and everything, but that’s just excuses. This is a pattern with me, that the last mile is very difficult for me to run, and I have no answers. So just so you know, if you’re listening for what I came up with, I don’t have the answer, therapy, possibly therapy. But honestly, I’m like, paying attention to my pattern and I’m like, yo, this the last mile. So now that I know it, I have to push harder. That’s the only thing that I can really come up with until I figure out what’s my block. What’s the reason that when I get to this point, I sort of like halt, and I stop all progress. You know, somebody would say, well, you’re afraid of success, and I don’t believe that that’s what my issue is. I don’t believe it’s fear, that stopping me somebody may say that, no, it is fear. It’s fear of lack of success that once you complete it and once you put it out in the world, that now you have to like measure how successful it was. Which that might contribute to it, that part I don’t think it’s so far fetched.

However, I think it’s because I’m a pattern thinker, and I’m on pattern mover. So I think that I spend so much time giving thought, time, effort, planning, all of that into a project that’s very difficult for me to let go. I think that’s what it is. I think I’m prolonging letting go of the project. It’s just what I know, I’m so accustomed to saying that this is what I’m working on. To no longer be working on it, means I have to give effort into something new, and have to take a deep breath and jump into another pool. And I don’t know, maybe I’m just tired. Maybe that’s what it is. I don’t know. But um, yeah, I think I it’s just what I know, and I think that that spills over into my personal life. You know, for those who are repeat listeners, you may know that I was married for a very long time, I was married for 14 years. And whenever I meet someone who I’m dating or even just a new friend, and they find out that I got divorced, even though I was married for 14 years. They’re stunned, they’re floored, like, why would you be married for that long and then say, forget it, I’m not doing this anymore. And it’s because I finally took my deep breath and jumped into another pool. I was holding on to something that I knew for a very long time should be over. It wasn’t healthy for me, it wasn’t helping me grow, and it was draining me. It was taking whatever life I had within me it was taking it from me. I was tired, I was worn, I was gaining weight after weight, after weight. I was blowing up my, my face looked 10 years older than I look now. I just was beat, and it was slowly killing me, it was I had to some degree accepted defeat. And just was like, this is the bed that I made. And then one day I was like, well, shit, I ain’t got to keep making this daggone bed, every day I wake up, I’m making the bed and I’m tired of it. New bed, let’s get a new bed, I don’t I don’t want to do this anymore. And I’m so glad I did, I feel like life has been so much better, there’s been so many signs, the universe continues to feed me. There were days prior to my divorce that financially I was like, how am I gonna do this? I don’t know if I’m gonna be able to afford and I have easily I gained weight during the time of my move. And I was like, damn, I thought I wasn’t gonna have no money. But I actually had extra food on the table and it’s evident in my waistline. Which is why today I was doing like a weighted hula hoop. Lord child, if you ever bought a weighted hula hoop, man, I feel like I look like grimace in my reflection, but I’m working it out, I’m working it out, for real. But seriously, I just think that that’s my pattern in several different areas and I don’t think I thought about it until I started questioning myself. Why the hell? Am I not doing my edits for Savage Fever? I’m like telling myself, you’re at the last mile, what is the deal? Get it together, you know. I can blame it on my day job, I can blame it on working with my sponsor, I can blame it on, you know, having to do all this running around for Saadi, I can, I can blame it on a lot of stuff, when truly what it is, is this is how I move or don’t move when I get to the last mile. And I gotta figure out how to crack the code. And the only thing I can come up with is to push harder, like make myself do it, get up and do it. Make it a routine. I’m also like a list maker. And so I’ve been putting it on my list, and I thought that that would be the thing that helped me get it done. And do you know that I will like cross out everything on the list. And then when I make the list the next week, I erase everything except for Savage Fever, because I still haven’t touched it. So the list does not make me get it done. That’s not the deal. Talking down to myself is never going to work ever. Because depression will make you stand up and makes you sit down, and makes you lay down. I’m not going to do that.

But I’m going to get it done, I’m at the last mile. I think recognizing the pattern is part of me breaking the mold. It’s part of me saying, hey, this is my flaw., this is my deal. I can decide that this is how I am, or I can decide that this is not how I want to be and figure out how to work through it so that I am no longer this person at one point in the future. And I think that’s the choice I’m making. Like listen, you know that this is the deal. I don’t want to be in another 14 year marriage that I know, seven, eight years in should be over. I don’t want to do that. I when I picked my partner I know like I’ve said this before and somebody’s probably like you’re so offensive. But it’s my truth. I don’t want to pick the person I marry because I think that I have no other option. I want to be married, I want to pour my love into one person, and this is the person standing before me saying they love me, not necessarily the person that I would choose had I been given a choice. If there was a lineup, you know, this is not necessarily the person that I would choose. And I don’t say that to be hurtful, I say it to tell myself what my pattern is. That I could want something and want to be in a position so bad that sometimes I just settle, and that’s also part of what took me so long to finish Savage Fever. I probably could have slapped something together and been like, alright, I’m tired, I’m done with it. Which I’ve done many times when I wrote music, like the third verse, usually, in my opinion was much weaker than the first two, because I just wanted to finish it. Like let’s just finish it. And I didn’t want to do that with Savage Fever. I love the story, I love the world that I created, the characters I created. And I just I wanted to do them justice by giving them a full story and not rushing the end. And I think I did that, my editor agrees so that’s good. And not just because I paid her, I’m sure she, she was neutral. But yeah, it’s my pattern, the last mile it’s very difficult. Even when I was like starting podcasting, you know keeping this up on a weekly basis is very difficult which I I’m sure you guys know, right, because I sometimes go weeks without dropping a show. And I don’t do that on purpose. It’s always on my list of make sure you know, I record and do whatever, but sometimes I don’t show up to the plate, because I’m not planning properly. Now that I’m in routine, it’s a little bit easier because it never feels like the last mile. But you know, the preparation for the show is usually I have an idea, I’m working towards it, I’m sketching it out, and then I get right before I’m supposed to record and then I’m like, goodness, I don’t even really feel like talking. And if I don’t feel like talking, how can I effectively communicate what this topic is or where we’re going with it, or how it’s impacted me, or how we should be affected by it. I’m tired, and I’m about to start talking gibberish, it’s gonna sound like I had a lot to drink or smoke some trees and that ain’t even the case, I just don’t feel like talking, right. Imagine me not feeling like talking that’s crazy, even to me, it’s so crazy. But yes, this last mile, be whipping my ass. It be whipping my ass. But I know now. So I don’t intend for that to be my situation going forward. I’ll let you know how that progresses. But are you a last mile person? Or is that where you like spring? Like, do you take forever? I have my ex husbands, sister, she takes forever in the planning. She’s quick to execute, but planning takes half. Whoa, ciao, you’ll be waiting on her to plan you’d be like, oh my God, you, you will give up. In her process you will give up because you like I can’t wait, no, it takes forever. But when she executes she commits, it’s full, it’s well thought out. So we’re kind of like opposites. So when we used to hang it kind of worked because like where she was lacking, I was quick. And where I was lacking, she was thorough. So that worked as a friendship. But so, who are you? Are you the one who takes forever to plan? I used to have this professor when I was in school getting my master’s and he was like, it takes him a year to plan a book, but it takes him a month to write it. And I was just like, what, never heard of it. And I mean, it’s these big, thick, thick novels.

But he’s like, because I take the year to think it out, plan it out, put it on my board, take whatever pictures go wherever I need to go to study, learn the background, learn the knowledge, like he’s putting serious work into that planning. Whereas me like, I over plan in terms of like, there’s a small detail in my book that I might of took 45 minutes researching the detail to make sure it’s accurate. But that’s just research. I mean, he’s planning the novel but by the time he sits down and writes that novel, bam, it’s coming out. And I mean, this this big, big books. Not like, you know, the the novels, we see now that some people may put something out in a month, but, you know, maybe it’s, I don’t know, 40, 45,000 words, you know, he’s putting out like a 90,000 word book which is twice as long. And it’s thorough and it’s good, they’re held in really high esteem. I can’t plan something for that long. Well, not knowingly, I should say that because there’s a bunch of books that I have on the agenda that’s about to come that’s probably gonna be really quick for me to write because I’ve been thinking about these damn stories forever. So I’m kind of doing that. But look how long it’s taking me to execute because I’m executing one by one, and I’m bullshitting when I get to the last damn mile of, of getting the creation out there. So you know, I have a million ideas I need to get them out. And right now what my problem is, it this last damn mile and I need to get over it. So guys, if you have any suggestions on how I can push myself through the last mile, I know what I’m gonna do. But if you have any suggestions like quick tidbits, or brain exercises or something, affirmations, whatever that you want to share with me definitely do that. Hit me up on Instagram. I’m @pwrites. And that’s p w r i t e s. Same name on Twitter, you know, p w r i t s. Find me on there listen, I misbehave on Twitter a lot. So please don’t come on in judging me or if you’re gonna judge me just talk to your friends about it, don’t tell me. Yeah, like, if you have anything that helps you, talk to me, let me know or if you struggle with the same thing and you want me to let you know when I find something that works, we can do that too. I want us all to succeed, I want us all to push past whatever the barrier is that stopping us from being our best selves and getting to whatever the next level is for us. Like let’s do that let’s move let’s get to the next level. I think that’s it, I think, you know, because now actually talking to you guys, I feel motivated. So I’m actually gonna, like, you know, go get my shit together, and make some moves on Savage Fever right after this. If you want to support please go to Amazon, you could download on the free Kindle app, or if you have Kindle Unlimited or if you want to buy paperbacks I love when you buy paperbacks. You know, check out my books on Amazon, it’s under the writer Phoenix Ashe. Soiled Sheets is still up there Cookies and Crumbles is still up there, Delectable a sweet romance, that was my first romance novel I’m very proud of that, that’s still up there. In Her MakeUp will forever be up there. That’s my first novel, I actually self published that so I definitely appreciate all the love and support on In Her MakeUp. Which is also on Audible by the way, so if you’re an Audible listener, please download In Her MakeUp, support that, several books are going to come down in July because I’m changing publishers so, I have to get my rights back, reupload some stuff, get some new covers and stuff so it’s gonna be a lot of changes. So if you want to support now do that. Don’t wait because listen, I just finished telling you the last mile be kicking my ass, who knows when stuff is gonna go where it’s supposed to go. Anyhow, I thank you so much for your support, your love, I love our messages, thank you. When I be saying like, hit me up, shout out to y’all who actually do that. Because you know, I’m a chatterbox, I want to talk. Alright, until the next time when we can exchange power. I love you guys. Peace.

 

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